Day and a half voyage for a wedding...what do to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

OP here. This is an interesting response. We left the States about a year ago for this three year tour, and given the ages of our kids and that we will likely be back in DC for a couple years after this tour that we wouldn’t go home and would emphasize traveling in the part of the world where we are stationed and invite our families to visit as often as for as long as they would like. Our respective families were originally supportive of this but the wedding seems to have changed things.

OP weddings are seminal events. There is no getting around that, that is why you are all already acknowledging that DH goes no matter what. Having a one month old newborn is certainly a valid reason for you not to attend. My DH's brother's wedding was scheduled when I was very very pregnant and it was my second pregnancy, the first had ended at 34 weeks due to huge complication that I was at high risk for the second time around. We also had a 2 year old.

We told everyone from day 1 that we might not be able to make it because it would be very difficult to predict the end of my pregnancy and that if things were looking at all dicey DH himself wouldn't be able to attend (the only thing that trump's sibling wedding is direly ill wife and newborn!). But we still bought tickets, we behaved as if we were coming and it ended up that I was able to attend. We made it look like we WANTED to come, like we wanted to try as hard as we could because that is the type of thing that you show up for. And I don't regret it, it was really meaningful for DH and his family for everyone to be there.

Its one thing to say you're not making any fun trips home, its another to say that NO MATTER WHAT you will not be coming home. What if your mom died a month after you had the newborn. Would you guys skip the funeral or would you all be getting on that plane? I don't say that to be harsh just like, that is the kind of thing this is.

But I do think your kids should be invited, if not to the ceremony itself then at minimum to ALLL the leading up festivities.

Wedding are a joke. They are torture for kid and most of the adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws want you there, they can fly out to you and help you fly back to the states. Same on the return trip. Plus they can pay for your first class seat as you will be nursing a baby. Of, and brother-in-law can invite all 3 kids. Let's see how much they really want you there.

Otherwise, your husband goes and they can fly out to you after the wedding to visit.

+1. If they want to see you this badly, they can help you throw money at this trip to make it reasonable. At a minimum, that means a seat for every person, including the infant. I would probably want another adult, either grandparent or a paid caregiver. I might also ask that the layover be a few days, not 5 hours in the airport. And then the accommodations on the wedding end need to be comfortable, and they need to arrange child care for any wedding events the children aren't invited to.

This is a huge ask, especially since it's an adults-only event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 hours of travel with a new baby sounds miserable and its too much of an ask.

Honestly, bringing an infant that young to a wedding is a big ask even without the travel.

OP here, that's the other thing. Kids aren't invited to the wedding, but the in-laws are insistent because we live so far away and they don't get to see this set of grandkids that much, so they want us to bring the whole family back for a visit. We haven't seen them since we moved overseas last year (and that incredibly long journey with a 1 and 3 year old was a special kind of hell), so I completely understand that they want us to come and stay with them for a week before the wedding so we can all spend time together, but having had two kids already, I know that I am not at my best for a good 6-8 weeks postpartum and this trip sounds so stressful and exhausting.

This is the kind of thing that comes with moving halfway around the world from your family. If you’re not around for the small stuff, there’s less leeway with other people,when you don’t make the effort for the really big stuff. Due to my DH’s work I know a lot of current/former ex pat families and it seems like they all either do a lot of traveling home for big family events, or they’re just kind of distant from their extended families generally. It’s hard to have it both ways, to not make the effort while also not having people read into it.

Expat PP. Most families of expats understand this, and would never ask their daughter or DIL to fly with a month-old baby. My parents and ILs would have positively forbidden it, and been completely fine with my missing a wedding. Understand that living far away doesn't change the risks we take. Most people are reasonable human beings. OP's ILs are not.

Depends on when BIL got engaged. Kind of crappy to decide to have another kid after the engagement has been announced knowing you’ll have to skip the wedding as a result.

What would you do if you were already pregnant (announced) and a sibling set a wedding date 4 weeks after your due date?

In my case, it was 7 weeks, and yes I was in OP's situation. It was kid #1 and it sounds like the cities were reversed from OP. DH went; no regrets. If OP's DH is able to go for at least 10 days and he feels up for finding childcare during wedding, he should bring the older kids. It would be great if the inlaws and BIL could help find child care, but nothing in OP's post suggest that they will be helpful in this score.

That said, as much as it sucks, the burden really does fall on the one who moved away to make more trips home. It's nice to say "in this day and age" and all but the reality is that many families with young kids (particularly those living outside the US) just don't have a budget for regular international travel.

[Anonymous]

People are different, I would travel to my siblings wedding under these circumstances because I don't think of sibling weddings as optional. To each their own. I would never move somewhere that would preclude me from being able to attend these kind of events. But I drag my kids all over the country and the world so perhaps we're just different.

It’s weird you how are interpreting OP’s overseas move as some kind of jab against her family. Given the language she is using it sounds like three are in the foreign service or USAID, i.e. serving their country/others. Most families would appreciate the sacrifices these people are making and not give them hell for not toting a 4 year old, 2 year old, and several week old to the other side of the globe for an evening event.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this has been answered already, but who exactly is doing the insisting? Is it BIL? MIL? FIL? If it's anything like my family, it's the mom that is insisting (or making guilt-trippy comments) and the BIL and bride-to-be already understand. I'm sure everyone but your MIL (and maybe FIL) will understand your circumstances.

But you could also send the older kid with DH to make it easier on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't travel with just one newborn so soon post partum, let alone with two more little kids. Your ILs are crazy. Hold firm and ask them to fly to you at a later date instead.

How about suggesting that the IL fly out to you and then they can fly back with your family. Let them be part of the joys of traveling around the world with little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People are different, I would travel to my siblings wedding under these circumstances because I don't think of sibling weddings as optional. To each their own. I would never move somewhere that would preclude me from being able to attend these kind of events. But I drag my kids all over the country and the world so perhaps we're just different.

It’s weird you how are interpreting OP’s overseas move as some kind of jab against her family. Given the language she is using it sounds like three are in the foreign service or USAID, i.e. serving their country/others. Most families would appreciate the sacrifices these people are making and not give them hell for not toting a 4 year old, 2 year old, and several week old to the other side of the globe for an evening event.

DP. I woudn't assume that, plenty of people take posts around the world through private employers and are serving those employers rather than the government.

I also don't think people view OP's choice as a jab at her family, more that moving when they did seems to reflect a lack of concern for being a full part of the family. And I say that as someone who did spend three years living overseas with DH and our kids, but we didn't take that opportunity until our kids were old enough to travel easily and did it with a commitment to come back for the big stuff because it was important to us to stay connected with our families. People are free to make their own choices about where the live, when/whether they visit family, etc., but the rest of the world doesn't stop while they do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

People are different, I would travel to my siblings wedding under these circumstances because I don't think of sibling weddings as optional. To each their own. I would never move somewhere that would preclude me from being able to attend these kind of events. But I drag my kids all over the country and the world so perhaps we're just different.

It’s weird you how are interpreting OP’s overseas move as some kind of jab against her family. Given the language she is using it sounds like three are in the foreign service or USAID, i.e. serving their country/others. Most families would appreciate the sacrifices these people are making and not give them hell for not toting a 4 year old, 2 year old, and several week old to the other side of the globe for an evening event.

DP. I woudn't assume that, plenty of people take posts around the world through private employers and are serving those employers rather than the government.

I also don't think people view OP's choice as a jab at her family, more that moving when they did seems to reflect a lack of concern for being a full part of the family. And I say that as someone who did spend three years living overseas with DH and our kids, but we didn't take that opportunity until our kids were old enough to travel easily and did it with a commitment to come back for the big stuff because it was important to us to stay connected with our families. People are free to make their own choices about where the live, when/whether they visit family, etc., but the rest of the world doesn't stop while they do it.

Seriously? It's not all about you. Get over it. People grow up, get jobs, make their own families. Maybe OP wanted the chance to raise her young children abroad where they could pick up another language. Maybe this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Maybe this is a make-or-break posting that OP or her husband have to take to advance in their career. If OP's family was so dedicated to family, they never would have a no-kids wedding anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People are different, I would travel to my siblings wedding under these circumstances because I don't think of sibling weddings as optional. To each their own. I would never move somewhere that would preclude me from being able to attend these kind of events. But I drag my kids all over the country and the world so perhaps we're just different.

It’s weird you how are interpreting OP’s overseas move as some kind of jab against her family. Given the language she is using it sounds like three are in the foreign service or USAID, i.e. serving their country/others. Most families would appreciate the sacrifices these people are making and not give them hell for not toting a 4 year old, 2 year old, and several week old to the other side of the globe for an evening event.

My parent moved overseas. While it wasn't a 'jab' against me, it was a life choice that separated them from their family in a meaningful way that skype calls, while great, cannot fully make up for. They are foreign service BTW so in the same bucket. They're not making a sacrifice because they believe in the cause, they like traveling and always have. Their choice to join the foreign service was one in a long line of choices that allowed them to have an arm's length of distance from their family. They have an impression similar to yours kind of baffled as to why anyone would be bothered by this. Incapable of understanding that people want to see the people they love. And that making a choice that means you don't see the people you love for sometimes a year or more at a time impacts that relationship. And that if you make that choice, yes there is an obligation on you, IF you want to maintain that close relationship with your family, to come back and see people at important events because you are absent for all the little ones. I also have military family members in the same situation and I will say that it feels different since they aren't making a choice to leave and they don't have a lot of other career options. And they literally don't have the money to make a trip like this.

My post said VERY clearly that I believed being one month post partum was a perfectly understandable and reasonable reason for OP to not attend this wedding. 100%. But it doesn't mean there isn't a cumulative effect of being gone on their family stateside. Maybe that isn't fair but it is reality for MANY people with family abroad. And a SIBLING'S wedding is the kind of thing that is big enough to warrant a serious conversation about whether it is worth the effort, because you can't go back on missing an event like that.

And for the record I love my parent very much and we are close. But I have always felt like they valued their lifestyle more than me, they love me a lot, but never enough to stay put for longer than a few months. Perhaps in response to this I have become a person who always shows up, because I know what it feels like when people don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

PP, that's quite a guilt trip you're laying on OP.

OP, I've gotten a very similar guilt trip from my own mother (who is the one who moved overseas in our case). You and your family are allowed to choose your jobs and home just like everyone else in your lives. Just because you live further away doesn't mean you're a bad family member, not interested in your relatives' lives, etc. etc. You describe a very long journey with very young children, and that's without any delays, which we all know can happen. It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page about not traveling for this wedding, and that's your choice. Don't let others (especially ones who haven't made the trip and don't know what you're in for!) tell you that you owe them this or any other trip that doesn't work for you.

It isn't a guilt trip to point out that someone is not the center of the universe and should be willing to extend a little effort if they want to stay connected with people.

Exactly. And just because someone is getting married- that doesn’t make him the center of the universe, either.

[Anonymous]

I didn't go to my sister's wedding because it was across the country and I was 36 weeks pregnant. She got married on a Saturday and I gave birth early Monday. Thank goodness we weren't there or flying back.

Anyway, 3 years later they were divorced.

It's nice of you to let your DH go, having a new baby and all. Your in laws are selfish.

[Anonymous]

DH goes. Your pre-2 month vaccine NB ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT FLY FOR 30 hours. (This is especially true if you will be in airports in areas of the world where vaccine prevalence is not high and/or serious illnesses that spread via close contact are endemic.) Talk about a stupid risk to take for a party they are not invited to. Your pediatrician will absolutely take your side in this if you want "support" for your decision to quote to your ILs.

Maybe your DH brings the 4 year old if that would help smooth things over? Frankly though, with the kids not invited anyway, your ILs are being extra unreasonable. There is no reason the family trip has to coincide with the wedding when that is very inconvenient for you for very legitimate reasons.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. Just send him if you must. Maybe with the oldest child.

[Anonymous]

DH's brother

He absolutely needs to go
No one else should go - too expensive, too far, not convenient

[Anonymous]

For people encouraging travel for parent and infant, please Google measles and airport. Measles vaccine is not before 6 months of age, but due at 12 months. Lots of unvaccinated people and herd immunity is decreasing as a result. Not worth it.