Day and a half voyage for a wedding...what do to

[Anonymous]

Oh and OP, immediate PP here. Your kids are 2 and 5! To say they won't see their family for three years, those are BIG years...they'll be entirely different people! Has anyone made the effort to come see you guys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

OP here. This is an interesting response. We left the States about a year ago for this three year tour, and given the ages of our kids and that we will likely be back in DC for a couple years after this tour that we wouldn’t go home and would emphasize traveling in the part of the world where we are stationed and invite our families to visit as often as for as long as they would like. Our respective families were originally supportive of this but the wedding seems to have changed things.

Of course it has changed things. It was one thing when they were thinking about how they’ll miss all of you but you’ll be back and you all can make up for lost time then. But now it’s the reality that you are missing major life milestones for the rest of the family and those things can’t be made up, which feels very differentl

I don't even have kids, and when I lived overseas with similar sorts of flights home I got a lot of pressure to be there for family events - I did miss a bunch of weddings, but I tried to come in for family reunions and other stuff. It was a pain and expensive, but it also meant a lot to people for me to be there - like I hadn't just disappeared from their lives.

But: I did not have a newborn! I do think that changes things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

PP, that's quite a guilt trip you're laying on OP.

OP, I've gotten a very similar guilt trip from my own mother (who is the one who moved overseas in our case). You and your family are allowed to choose your jobs and home just like everyone else in your lives. Just because you live further away doesn't mean you're a bad family member, not interested in your relatives' lives, etc. etc. You describe a very long journey with very young children, and that's without any delays, which we all know can happen. It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page about not traveling for this wedding, and that's your choice. Don't let others (especially ones who haven't made the trip and don't know what you're in for!) tell you that you owe them this or any other trip that doesn't work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

OP here. This is an interesting response. We left the States about a year ago for this three year tour, and given the ages of our kids and that we will likely be back in DC for a couple years after this tour that we wouldn’t go home and would emphasize traveling in the part of the world where we are stationed and invite our families to visit as often as for as long as they would like. Our respective families were originally supportive of this but the wedding seems to have changed things.

Of course it has changed things. It was one thing when they were thinking about how they’ll miss all of you but you’ll be back and you all can make up for lost time then. But now it’s the reality that you are missing major life milestones for the rest of the family and those things can’t be made up, which feels very differentl

I don't even have kids, and when I lived overseas with similar sorts of flights home I got a lot of pressure to be there for family events - I did miss a bunch of weddings, but I tried to come in for family reunions and other stuff. It was a pain and expensive, but it also meant a lot to people for me to be there - like I hadn't just disappeared from their lives.

But: I did not have a newborn! I do think that changes things.

It changes how challenging it is to travel, sure. But here's the thing: OP and her husband made the deliberate decision to leave the country with two very young children and then have another baby while they were abroad. That was a choice they made knowing all of the challenges it would present to being involved members of their families (especially given their lack of intention to make any trips back home for three years and instead put all of the travel burden on the rest of the family), and the fact that there will seemingly be no exceptions even for a close family wedding speaks volumes. They were entirely within their rights to make those decisions, but they don't get to then dictate to everyone else that they don't get to have their own feeings about it. People are allowed to be disappointed in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

PP, that's quite a guilt trip you're laying on OP.

OP, I've gotten a very similar guilt trip from my own mother (who is the one who moved overseas in our case). You and your family are allowed to choose your jobs and home just like everyone else in your lives. Just because you live further away doesn't mean you're a bad family member, not interested in your relatives' lives, etc. etc. You describe a very long journey with very young children, and that's without any delays, which we all know can happen. It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page about not traveling for this wedding, and that's your choice. Don't let others (especially ones who haven't made the trip and don't know what you're in for!) tell you that you owe them this or any other trip that doesn't work for you.

It isn't a guilt trip to point out that someone is not the center of the universe and should be willing to extend a little effort if they want to stay connected with people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

OTOH if their family shares your attitude I can see why OP moved half way around the world to get away from them.

[Anonymous]

You have every out you need with the babies age! They cant be innairports that young! The germs! Not to mention your wellbeing. That would be a big no for me without question. Get a letter from your pediatrician of you need to.... Tell the couple you would love to host a dinner in their honor down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost believe this is a made up post. What in laws would be so unreasonable?

Actually, it's pretty consistent. Those who choose child-free weddings often don't understand or sympathize with those who can't or won't travel with young children. They don't understand how difficult it can be to have young children and try to find child-care in a different city (when the family has to travel to the wedding) and they don't understand the complications of travel with young children (or they have forgotten). The attitude of pressuring them to come to the wedding despite young children goes hand-in-hand with having a child-free wedding and not making any plans for those who have to travel to the wedding with small children.

I personally would not go to the wedding in OP's circumstances and my family (and in-laws) would understand. However, OP should understand and be prepared that this may cause a long-term rift or distancing between her husband and his family if at least some of the family does not attend the wedding. I personally think that OP's husband goes to the wedding; OP stays home and they divide the children. DH takes one or both of the older kids to the wedding with him depending on how much he can handle. I understand that it's very, hard to deal with two young children when traveling. I have twins and we have had to travel with them since they were 3 months old, but until they were about 4 years old, we always traveled as a family, two adults for two children. But it would probably be good for the family to bring the two older grandkids because the family will want to see them as they change so much in their formative years. The infant and mom have a good reason to stay home and rest/bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have every out you need with the babies age! They cant be innairports that young! The germs! Not to mention your wellbeing. That would be a big no for me without question. Get a letter from your pediatrician of you need to.... Tell the couple you would love to host a dinner in their honor down the road.

But only if the happy couple travels a day and a half each way for said dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't been home in a year and now this pregnancy/baby will mean it'll be even longer before you'll all go home to visit, they can see the kids, etc. It's not unreasonable to not want to travel for this wedding given the timing, but it would have been nice if you'd made an anticipatory trip home while travel was still manageable. Yes, too late for that now, but might be worth acknowledging to them and figuring out when you might finally feel ready to make a family trip so they know you're not just blowing them off.

Have you made multiple 36 hour trips with toddlers and preschoolers who can’t sleep on the plane, get air sick, and are messed up for a good week because of jet lag?

Agree. I had family living in HK for 5 years and I certainly never expected them to visit every year! I think they made 2 long visits during that time.

[Anonymous]

No, no, no. Don't go and shame on your in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They are the ones who decided to move overseas with young children. It was their choice. So now they either can make the effort to travel back for a visit once a year, or acknowledge that this move reflects a deeper lack of interest in being part of the family.

OP here. This is an interesting response. We left the States about a year ago for this three year tour, and given the ages of our kids and that we will likely be back in DC for a couple years after this tour that we wouldn’t go home and would emphasize traveling in the part of the world where we are stationed and invite our families to visit as often as for as long as they would like. Our respective families were originally supportive of this but the wedding seems to have changed things.

Of course it has changed things. It was one thing when they were thinking about how they’ll miss all of you but you’ll be back and you all can make up for lost time then. But now it’s the reality that you are missing major life milestones for the rest of the family and those things can’t be made up, which feels very differentl

I don't even have kids, and when I lived overseas with similar sorts of flights home I got a lot of pressure to be there for family events - I did miss a bunch of weddings, but I tried to come in for family reunions and other stuff. It was a pain and expensive, but it also meant a lot to people for me to be there - like I hadn't just disappeared from their lives.

But: I did not have a newborn! I do think that changes things.

It changes how challenging it is to travel, sure. But here's the thing: OP and her husband made the deliberate decision to leave the country with two very young children and then have another baby while they were abroad. That was a choice they made knowing all of the challenges it would present to being involved members of their families (especially given their lack of intention to make any trips back home for three years and instead put all of the travel burden on the rest of the family), and the fact that there will seemingly be no exceptions even for a close family wedding speaks volumes. They were entirely within their rights to make those decisions, but they don't get to then dictate to everyone else that they don't get to have their own feeings about it. People are allowed to be disappointed in them.

Eh - they are overseas for a few years (it sounds like). Family should be able to deal with that maturely and supportively. They can be disappointed not to see OP and her kids as often as they'd like, but they should try not to be assh*les about it.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. It is just too hard. Save the visit for when the baby is older and you can be the focus.

We used to go back overseas as often as we could. Used up all our money and all our vacation. There are so many ways to keep relationships going now, so we don't make the trip more than once every three years. I would never drag a newborn on a trip like that.

[Anonymous]

It’s wedding hyp/craziness. Tell anyone(mil etc) who asks or applies pressure, you and the kids are not going. Your husband is going and that will be a sacrifice for the family. Just be blunt and direct. Let’s face it no one will remember this wedding two weeks after it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 hours of travel with a new baby sounds miserable and its too much of an ask.

Honestly, bringing an infant that young to a wedding is a big ask even without the travel.

OP here, that's the other thing. Kids aren't invited to the wedding, but the in-laws are insistent because we live so far away and they don't get to see this set of grandkids that much, so they want us to bring the whole family back for a visit. We haven't seen them since we moved overseas last year (and that incredibly long journey with a 1 and 3 year old was a special kind of hell), so I completely understand that they want us to come and stay with them for a week before the wedding so we can all spend time together, but having had two kids already, I know that I am not at my best for a good 6-8 weeks postpartum and this trip sounds so stressful and exhausting.

This is the kind of thing that comes with moving halfway around the world from your family. If you’re not around for the small stuff, there’s less leeway with other people,when you don’t make the effort for the really big stuff. Due to my DH’s work I know a lot of current/former ex pat families and it seems like they all either do a lot of traveling home for big family events, or they’re just kind of distant from their extended families generally. It’s hard to have it both ways, to not make the effort while also not having people read into it.

Expat PP. Most families of expats understand this, and would never ask their daughter or DIL to fly with a month-old baby. My parents and ILs would have positively forbidden it, and been completely fine with my missing a wedding. Understand that living far away doesn't change the risks we take. Most people are reasonable human beings. OP's ILs are not.

Depends on when BIL got engaged. Kind of crappy to decide to have another kid after the engagement has been announced knowing you’ll have to skip the wedding as a result.

What would you do if you were already pregnant (announced) and a sibling set a wedding date 4 weeks after your due date?