DH is going to blow a gasket. Give me strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- what makes you so certain he won't be violent once you change your response to his tantrums? How can you know what he'll do when his behavior isn't just being accepted and overlooked until it passes? I think this is what some PP's are seeing that you are not.

Stop. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- what makes you so certain he won't be violent once you change your response to his tantrums? How can you know what he'll do when his behavior isn't just being accepted and overlooked until it passes? I think this is what some PP's are seeing that you are not.

DP. Maybe because he has a history of 30+ years of this tantrum behavior with no evidence of a physical or violent component to the behavior and no signs of escalation?

OP--you have to understand that DCUM is filled with people who see abuse everywhere they turn. They are so indoctrinated in Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" that they will identify anything that beyond yoga and meditation as a developing abusive relationship. It's like specialists who only see their specialty wherever they turn. Humans are complex creatures but many look for ways to distill down the complexity of emotions into tangible simple steps and the armchair psychologist of DCUM always see abuse.

OP, I was one who suggested that you write down your thoughts and send them to him when he has time to digest it by himself before you talk to him (like taking the kids out for a few hours). I hope you are able to follow through with this and that he can have his tantrum in solitude and then be reasonable when you get home and talk to you about it. Please keep us updated and let us know if this works. If this does, then you and he can try to find a way for him to cope and develop techniques for isolating his bad behavior so that you can work on more positive developments.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what makes you so certain he won't be violent once you change your response to his tantrums? How can you know what he'll do when his behavior isn't just being accepted and overlooked until it passes? I think this is what some PP's are seeing that you are not.

DP. Maybe because he has a history of 30+ years of this tantrum behavior with no evidence of a physical or violent component to the behavior and no signs of escalation?

OP--you have to understand that DCUM is filled with people who see abuse everywhere they turn. They are so indoctrinated in Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" that they will identify anything that beyond yoga and meditation as a developing abusive relationship. It's like specialists who only see their specialty wherever they turn. Humans are complex creatures but many look for ways to distill down the complexity of emotions into tangible simple steps and the armchair psychologist of DCUM always see abuse.

OP, I was one who suggested that you write down your thoughts and send them to him when he has time to digest it by himself before you talk to him (like taking the kids out for a few hours). I hope you are able to follow through with this and that he can have his tantrum in solitude and then be reasonable when you get home and talk to you about it. Please keep us updated and let us know if this works. If this does, then you and he can try to find a way for him to cope and develop techniques for isolating his bad behavior so that you can work on more positive developments.

Good luck.

He has a 30 year history of tantrums going unchallenged. The point was how can OP know how he'll react when she finally doesn't just take it anymore? Even she doesn't think he'll just take it in stride or there would've been no need to post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update and some clarification. I know many of you won’t believe me, but there is zero threat of violence here. Think of it like this: DH’s outbursts are a lot like a skunk spraying. He makes a stink and runs because he feels threatened by anything that makes him feel uncomfortable and inadequate. He is not looking to engage.

His tantrums are more like a five-year-old’s irrational blowup that passes almost instantly. He is quick to recover and is back to his loving self. I’m more emotional (and sensitive because I’m so worn out) and carry the hurt longer. I don’t mean to diminish anything. His behavior is dumb, and it’s affecting our family. But I feel perfectly safe, I am not terrified, my children are fine. They are of course seeing an adult behave the way they do when they’re angry, and that’s something we need to address. This is not worthy of an emergency exit.

I’ve been really touched by the support and suggestions here. I’m concerned that my initial posts have misrepresented my situation, and the suggestions I’m getting to divorce, to run for my life, are so well-intended but way beyond what is required here.

I’m not sleeping because we have an infant/young kids and because of my work shift. So much of my irritation comes from the fact that I’m tired and don’t have the energy to devote to diffusing silly outbursts. He’s tired too, but he’s not getting up with a baby all night either so i have little sympathy there.

I plan to write down my thoughts when I’m not exhausted and emotional, let him process them when he’s not tired and emotional, and come up with a time when we can sit down and talk like partners, not enemies. Thank you to the PPs who suggested this because I do agree so much of our issue is that we’re trying to work things out in the middle of already stressful moments.

OP, I know people like this - they are in long term marriages, and it gets worse with time. The DHs I know throw things in the house, have a violent temper, which is hair trigger about most anything not their way. It is like walking on eggshells. Their behaviors are entrenched (as PP stated) in their families. Your DH needs professional help. To the outside, the DHs I mention look like the "all around nice guy/great husband/great catch/great dad" - when in reality, life is very, very, very different. The DHs that I know refuse to get the help they so obviously need. It is no way to live. Your children will learn that this volatile and hostile behavior is acceptable - is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Op. I’m late to the game but does your husband have undiagnosed bipolar disorder? It sounds similar to my mom who has bipolar disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother, two years older than me, expressed from his earliest days the type of behavior you described. He made my life a living hell. He sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing.

I left home at 18. Attended a family reunion in 1989. Spoke to my mother in 2000. Attended my oldest brother's birthday in 2010. More than enough contact given the toxic atmosphere.

Leave.

It's devastating to read about what you suffered. Your family doesn't deserve the smallest fraction of who you are. They never did and never will. I pray you're doing well.