DH is going to blow a gasket. Give me strength.

[Anonymous]

OP, I send you virtual hugs. I also feel for you but I'm not going to tell you to divorce your husband, while your husband may blow up the issue goes deeper than him just being angry at that situation. You recognize this. I suggest therapy or counseling. I don't know your religious background but Focus on the Family has great articles and resources to help you begin looking for a counselor. You still love your husband and it seems you want to be able to work on your communication. No one is perfect and no one can boast that they are or that their behavior is less than someone else's'. I pray that you find a counselor who can help you and your DH.

https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com/#_ga=2.58171618.956805805.1522403703-1766681185.1522403703

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn the tables on him. Outcrazy him. Blow up over the slightest infraction he commits. Break shit, scream obscenities, threaten violence and divorce. He may be so taken aback that he realizes this kind of behavior is batshit crazy.

Don't do this. If he is truly abusive, this is the first step to escalating it, and feeding into the power wheel of abuse. With a normal person who does this one time, maybe it would work. I don't advise it in this case when DH has underlying issues and it has been a lifelong characteristic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turn the tables on him. Outcrazy him. Blow up over the slightest infraction he commits. Break shit, scream obscenities, threaten violence and divorce. He may be so taken aback that he realizes this kind of behavior is batshit crazy.

Don't do this. If he is truly abusive, this is the first step to escalating it, and feeding into the power wheel of abuse. With a normal person who does this one time, maybe it would work. I don't advise it in this case when DH has underlying issues and it has been a lifelong characteristic.

Yes, time to grow up people. When you marry and have kids you need to GROW UP.

[Anonymous]

I know people like this except instead of tantrums they just shut down whenever something stressful happens and they become completely useless, childlike.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have the strength to do this. I didn't read through all 5 pages, but one strategy you may try to use is emotionally detaching during that conversation. Meaning, whatever his reaction is will be his reaction. You need to say what you need to say irrespective of how he behaves during and after you say it. You don't have to get upset/emotional, just state the facts and lay it out there.

Another approach I have sometimes used with someone similar is to write an email. Sounds ridiculous, but it gave the person (DH) a chance to really think about the words rather than have an emotional gut reaction that gets you nowhere. When I've had some things to 'say' that I know will be better received without feeling attacked, I've used that approach.

[Anonymous]

He is emotionally and verbally abusive. Do you want your children to grow up thinking that that is how women should be treated and how men should behave? Because they will. He is a time bomb, and you know it, OP. You should never have? to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Walking on eggshells and too stressed to sleep. You cannot let your guard down. I hope that you find answers for yourself and for your children. Good luck in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound really oversimplified, but you are in a good place because you are done. Because you can walk away, you have all the power. I recommend you see a lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row and financially and logistically - know the law about whether you can take the kids, leave the house, etc. act as if you expect a divorce and expect him to play dirty.

My mom had an awful temper my whole childhood and well into my 30s. She’s just a total bitch. She’s always the victim. No one can do anything right. She used to swear at my dad and I and throw things constantly. We were always on eggshells. One day in my late 20s I decided I was done. When she threw her fits I just reacted totally calmly and deadpan. I took away her power by deciding I didn’t care and that I wasn’t going to let her upset me. It made her super mad - like a toddler being ignored. I didn’t cut her off, I just would sit and listen. Eventually she realized she couldn’t get what she wanted by throwing a fit. We have a great relationship now.

We did this with my dad when we were teenagers. He would start to rant and rave and scream and his face would turnreally red and we taught ourselves to laugh. we would just laugh and laugh and laugh and tell him how funny he looked when he yelled. he didn't know what to make of it but after that he had no power over us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry OP. But this is not a healthy situation. I feel tense reading about it. Has he ever been physically aggressive with you? Does he have PTSD or anything?

Nope - never. It’s sad but I’m sort of surprised by that. I mean he’s never even been close, and he is adamantly against spanking or any sort of physical pinjshement for our kids (we’re on the same page). His reactions are purely verbal. He doesn’t namecall. He just slams and bangs and blusters and refuses to hash out a conversation.

After a few minutes he’s totally fine like nothing ever happened. These incidents don’t faze him in the least, even if I’m in tears. He’s able to move past it very quickly. No PTSD. Quirky family but no major physical abuse. Some mental illness (nervous breakdowns) in the women on his side of the family.

Right. Because he does not want to own his behavior or the impact of it on his family.

[Anonymous]

Your post and update about him screaming at you made me cry.

My DH has never once, not one time, screamed at me. Never.

I think you should leave-but don’t divorce him yet. Threats and conversations don’t work with type of person. Can you take the kids and go stay with your parents for a time?

This is assuming you’re really not ready for divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, read The Gift of Fear, and make your plans, and GET OUT. For your kids, and for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I send you virtual hugs. I also feel for you but I'm not going to tell you to divorce your husband, while your husband may blow up the issue goes deeper than him just being angry at that situation. You recognize this. I suggest therapy or counseling. I don't know your religious background but Focus on the Family has great articles and resources to help you begin looking for a counselor. You still love your husband and it seems you want to be able to work on your communication. No one is perfect and no one can boast that they are or that their behavior is less than someone else's'. I pray that you find a counselor who can help you and your DH.

https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com/#_ga=2.58171618.956805805.1522403703-1766681185.1522403703

OP I divorced a man like this and I flat out tell you counseling is not going to work. THY DONT BELIEVE THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND WILL NOT BE TOLD OTHERWISE OR, uh, THEY FLIP OUT.

Dont let posters like this blur your focus.

SAVE YOUR LIFE and you childrens lives. THAT is truly FOCUSING ON FAMILY.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not going to like this but it needs to be said. You are in an abusive relationship. Abusive people have their good points but that doesn't mean they aren't abusive and that you should be married to him.

I advise you to contact JCADA - Jewish Council Against Domestic Abuse. You do not have to be Jewish to reach out to them, they help everyone. AT least call their confidential helpline and talk to someone. If you don't believe you are in an abusive situation then they will tell you that too.

They will help you make the right plan for your safety. Do not confront him until you have gotten good professional advice.

Confidential Helpline: 301-315-8041 or 1-877-88-JCADA (52232)
Office: 301-315-8040

Good luck and please check in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid in your own house. That is the bottom line.

OP here. Let me be clear: I am in no way afraid for my safety or that of my kids. No way. I’ve known this man half my life and I genuinely can say he is nonviolent. I’m actually not even sure he’s been in a fistfight. What I am is weary of not being able to talk about stressful stuff (parenting, disagreements, money) without having to diffuse his temper first. I want him to see that his go-to response (taking it to 11) hurts me. What are the words I can use to convince him that he needs to tone down his reactions?

Then why are you so afraid of expressing how you feel? You’re terrified of his reaction. You’re terrified of the fallout. What’s going on with you that his adult temper tantrum is so intolerable?

You have to talk to him, and deal with your fear; if he screams and yells, he screams and yells. Don’t give him any more power - change your reaction. Stay calm, and unfazed, at least on the outside.

If he’s shouting and unwilling to converse with you, very calmly state, “I can’t do this anymore. If we can’t have a basic discussion about the state of our marriage without escalation, then we need to get some outside help.” Tell him, “I’m this close to throwing in the towel. Please come to counseling with me.”
Let him know his behavior isn’t acceptable to you, and that you’re at the end of your rope.

We can’t give you the words - sounds like no matter what you say, he blows up. Obviously don’t name call or scream. Remain calm and tell him how you feel.

He knows he can s**t all over you and act like a toddler and there will be no consequences. There are no stakes.

[Anonymous]

Also - why are you only getting three hours of sleep a night? You don’t deserve to live like this, OP. Nor do your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I send you virtual hugs. I also feel for you but I'm not going to tell you to divorce your husband, while your husband may blow up the issue goes deeper than him just being angry at that situation. You recognize this. I suggest therapy or counseling. I don't know your religious background but Focus on the Family has great articles and resources to help you begin looking for a counselor. You still love your husband and it seems you want to be able to work on your communication. No one is perfect and no one can boast that they are or that their behavior is less than someone else's'. I pray that you find a counselor who can help you and your DH.

https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com/#_ga=2.58171618.956805805.1522403703-1766681185.1522403703

OP I divorced a man like this and I flat out tell you counseling is not going to work. THY DONT BELIEVE THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND WILL NOT BE TOLD OTHERWISE OR, uh, THEY FLIP OUT.

Dont let posters like this blur your focus.

SAVE YOUR LIFE and you childrens lives. THAT is truly FOCUSING ON FAMILY.

He thinks he is "strong willed" and has the audacity to be proud of his craziness! Everyone has always accommodated him so he thinks his toddler-like tantrums are perfectly fine. The only thing you need to pray for is the strength to leave.