DH is going to blow a gasket. Give me strength.

[Anonymous]

DH has a habit of flipping his lid if anyone crosses him, makes him uncomfortable, or calls him out. He’s been doing it since he was a child (per his family). If his mom told him to stop bothering his brother, he’d throw a fit so huge everyone would just back off and wash their hands of him. To this day, his family tiptoes around him. He takes a sort of pride in being “stubborn” and “spirited.” He does it now as an adult, and it’s gotten worse as our stressors have increased (typical stuff, nothing devastating: parenting young kids, budgeting, etc).

Things have come to a head at home and his behavior is unacceptable. He’s rude, dismissive, petulant, and unpleasant to be around. In the past, if I’ve gone to him to work on our relationship (and believe me I’m walking on eggshells when I do it) he loses his GD mind. It’s his way of avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. Well, frankly I’m *thisclose* to throwing in the towel. He will lose his marriage, his family, all because he refuses to suck it up and have a straightforward conversation about how we can get to a better place. I don’t want to fight or place blame. I just want to get us the help we need to make it though this.

I’ve got to address this but I know what’s coming and I dread his reaction. I’m so tired. I sleep less than three hours a night. Between work and kids I’ve given all Ive got. I’m shattered physically and emotionally by the burden of parenting with someone who really just doesn’t seem to like me very much. Please give me the strength to follow through with this conversation, despite what I know the reaction will be. Any advice or encouragement would help me so, so much. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I understand. But this is so vague it is hard to be helpful. What happens if you stand up? If you call him out on his behavior and tell him he will lose everything? Then what happens?

[Anonymous]

And you expect him to change? This is deeply entrenched behaviour. Accept it or make a plan to leave.

[Anonymous]

Question - why on EARTH would you marry and procreate with a man who's been like this all his life?

[Anonymous]

OP here I’m sorry for being vague. Here’s an example: the other day he was battling with one of our kids about getting dressed (been there. This child is notorious for being a jerk about getting dressed so I totally felt DH’s pain) and I told DH the kid could stay home with me rather than go to the grocery store with him. That way DH could have a minute to chill and get stuff done, and I’d fight the clothes wars at home. Honestly I just wanted him to stop screaming at our daughter so was just trying to get him out of there.

I said this to him in another room to be SURE I wasn’t giving our child the impression that she’d gotten away with anything. He screamed at me (in front of the kids) that I was undermining his parenting and that our daughter needed to learn a lesson. When I told him (again, in private) that he was never to shout at me in front of our children, he lost it. Yelling, slamming doors, storming out, laughing in my face. It’s crazy. It’s like bringing nuclear weapons to a knife fight, and I’m not even fighting. I seriously feel like I’m always flinching and tiptoeing around so I don’t upset him.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH is exactly the same way. I’ve come to the point where I have completely given up. He’s his own worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

You are sleep-deprived and stressed already without the added burden of a high-intensity hostage-type negotiation with your husband.

What would you rather do:
1. Talk to him about his attitude, which will lead to a fight.
2. Announce a separation, which will also lead to a fight.
3. Do nothing and survive until you are a little stronger.

My husband has plenty of attitude problems, but we're living such a stressed-out life already (one that goes way beyond normal life worries) that it's really difficult to address them. I've tried! We've tried therapy too, which didn't work at all.

So my only option is retrenchment, for now. You'll have to figure out what yours is.

[Anonymous]

I live in an apartment next door to a guy who's like this. I feel so sorry for his family. The walls are already paper thin and I can hear him screaming bloody murder at his three kids. I bang really hard on the wall and I hear it stop suddenly. Anyway, he takes license to behave this way. By staying with him, you're enabling him. He will never change if he's allowed to continue. You've likely been *thisclose* over and over and over and over and over and over again.

For the sake of your children, at the very least, get out.

[Anonymous]

Is he on any meds? If yes, he needs to tweak them.
If not, your only option is marriage counseling with a really good therapist that can gently steer him to individual counseling and meds while you continue to work as a couple. I am sorry - sounds really hard to live with ...

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re not ready to have this conversation. Your next move needs to be to a therapist and a lawyer. You need to unpack why you felt okay having unprotected sex with such an immature jackass not once, but several times. You need to figure out a different to communicate with him because what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked.

And you need to see a lawyer to figure out how you’re going to go out on your own. If you have any hope of saving this marriage, you have to be serious about leaving. Anything else is just wasting time.

There’s no way I’d ever allow my kids to be in a household with such nonsense. Find a backbone and deal with this. Your idiot husband needs to be afraid of what you will do, not the other way around. Stop being bullied.

[Anonymous]

What are his redeeming qualities?

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it, and it doesn't help OP, but there will be a lot of kids growing up to be like him if parents continue to let their kids get away with behaving how they want to behave without consequence.

[Anonymous]

This is how my dad is.

Do your kids a favor and GET OUT.

Life was miserable with him because any little thing could set him off. Put the ketchup bottle back in the fridge on the wrong shelf? Ohhhh boy was it on. Yelling, swearing, laughing, name calling, door slamming, stomping. Loading the dishwasher incorrectly, talking while he was concentrating, washing the car the wrong way, folding towels the wrong way... all dumb little things that will set him off. It’s why he has no relationship with my kids now. I gave him a chance and he blew it by blowing up that my then 2 year old was playing building block incorrectly.

Again, get out for your kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are sleep-deprived and stressed already without the added burden of a high-intensity hostage-type negotiation with your husband.

What would you rather do:
1. Talk to him about his attitude, which will lead to a fight.
2. Announce a separation, which will also lead to a fight.
3. Do nothing and survive until you are a little stronger.

My husband has plenty of attitude problems, but we're living such a stressed-out life already (one that goes way beyond normal life worries) that it's really difficult to address them. I've tried! We've tried therapy too, which didn't work at all.

So my only option is retrenchment, for now. You'll have to figure out what yours is.

PP again. I just read your update.

I draw the line at abusing my kids. I will get in there and defend them, and have threatened to call the police if he lays a hand on them (or me). He did in the past, and has stopped, because of my threats, probably. The thing is, I'm not scared of him, so whenever he crosses a line, I re-affirm boundaries. My kids are middle school and elementary aged, and know exactly what a jerk he can be. It's important for your children to know you are on their side, and to understand what constitutes standard punishment, and how different it is from abuse. I talk a lot to them about that, we have an open, trust-based relationship, because my greatest fear is that they will either become or marry someone like my husband. I point out examples of patient, understanding parenting as often as I can, and try to model this, obviously. What you don't want is a situation such as described by some posters on DCUM, where they blame their mother for not standing up to their father's abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question - why on EARTH would you marry and procreate with a man who's been like this all his life?

It has gotten SO much worse. I swear to you it was never this bad, but I also need to be honest in saying that I did, for awhile, consider ending the relationship before we married, and I didn’t in part because I didn’t want to deal with the fallout. If anyone has seen a spine, I’m missing mine....