Question for fellow SAHM's with HHI in the $200-$250k range

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another "freeloading" SAHM, now SAHW. I've been at home for over 25 years. Married nearly 30 years. My DH loves that I am at home. I love being at home. I love decorating, cleaning, cooking, gardening, volunteering, taking care of my DH and our kids, etc. The money he earns is "our money". He would be the first to tell you that. He doesn't care how I spend it. I pay all the bills and manage our finances. If I wanted to do some home improvements, he would assume I had budged appropriately. If anything, he asks me before spending.

I think some of you have a very weird idea about how marriage should work. And it has nothing to do with who earns the money.

For you it doesn't but I would feel like a freeloader if I didn't bring in half the income. Different marriages work differently.

Yikes. I did SAH for a few years when my kids were little and now I work but I am now working my way back up the ladder and make less than half of what DH does. My staying at home those few years allowed him to work really hard without having to ever worry about who would do the pediatrician appointment or pick up the kids or any of that stuff. Obviously it wasn't great for my career. Should I have him earn less now so I won't feel like such a freeloader?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Also, lots of my male friends with Sah wives are technically supportive of the arrangement, but it doesn't mean they don't resent that they're the only ones working.

Lol. Translation: "I like what I get out of it but resent what I have to put into it".

If the Op is actually having these intimate discussions with multiple men- where they tell her things that they alledgey don't tell their wives.... perhaps that poster had larger problems.

[Anonymous]

You know what? People are ridiculous around here. I know a family that makes around 250K, husband and wife are equal earners, no student loans, 1 kid in daycare - who deprive themselves of really basic, basic things so the husband can direct all of their savings into retirement. Of course, the guy is so uptight that he will probably drop dead of a heart attack well before then.

200k, in the absence of student loans, daycare, or other typical costs, is not a terrible income. Maybe it is a little tough if you live in DC proper or want to be in McLean or North Arlington, but in most places, it is perfectly fine.

OP, our HHI with 2 salaries is below yours. No way would DH expect me to put up with a stinky, moldy washer (although, have you tried Whirl Out?) and our house, though not updated to the 9's, has granite in the kitchen.

I think you and your husband have some differences when it comes to what you are willing to live with. This is common. A situation like yours would piss me off into oblivion though. That's partly why I went back to work. I'm surprised your DH wouldn't take a little pride in providing things that might give his wife a little happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for instance my W/D are 15 years old and I'd like new ones. Washer is moldy and smells, dryer takes FOREVER. According to DH, they still work so we are keeping them.

We're a two-worker household with roughly your income range and also feel like we often can't afford new things. Although this completely ignores your fundamental relationship communication issue, the proximal problem of your W/D has another solution. If you or DH is handy, clean the washer (bleach is a start, but there are other ways) and dismantle/repair the dryer (lint buildup in the internal and external ducting are a likely cause of slow drying). You'll be glad of the results and can work on the deeper issue while you wait for the appliances to die a more permanent death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another "freeloading" SAHM, now SAHW. I've been at home for over 25 years. Married nearly 30 years. My DH loves that I am at home. I love being at home. I love decorating, cleaning, cooking, gardening, volunteering, taking care of my DH and our kids, etc. The money he earns is "our money". He would be the first to tell you that. He doesn't care how I spend it. I pay all the bills and manage our finances. If I wanted to do some home improvements, he would assume I had budged appropriately. If anything, he asks me before spending.

I think some of you have a very weird idea about how marriage should work. And it has nothing to do with who earns the money.

For you it doesn't but I would feel like a freeloader if I didn't bring in half the income. Different marriages work differently.

Yikes. I did SAH for a few years when my kids were little and now I work but I am now working my way back up the ladder and make less than half of what DH does. My staying at home those few years allowed him to work really hard without having to ever worry about who would do the pediatrician appointment or pick up the kids or any of that stuff. Obviously it wasn't great for my career. Should I have him earn less now so I won't feel like such a freeloader?

My husband made a about $30K more than me when we started dating. I suppose I should have dumped him as we were not "equals" and I was freeloading?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not HHI if you stay home. It's his income.

presumably she works at home. this is labor as well and has value--the idea that she has no power or right over their income because she has chosen to take on unpaid labor as an offset to what otherwise would be a joint expense (childcare and other forms of house work) is sexist and outdated.

I work at home too in addition to my full time job.

It sounds like you've made poor choices in life but you want a pat on the back for it.

Are you proud of your need to slave all day and night?

I don't need to "slave," I choose to have both a career and a family. Why is that a poor choice? I'd rather work and raise kids than watch TV or have coffee with neighbors at 10 am or go to that 11 am yoga class. Are you really so threatened by my ability to be a good mother and a good employee that you think doing both enslaves me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused as to dependent argument here. SAHM since June here, so yes technically, I am dependent on my husband's income. That is what it is and I don't see any problem with it. However, my DH is not a jerk and this is our mutual decision that makes him more happy than me. Not for sexist reasons, my teen DD has ADHD and has made some irresponsible choices(nothing huge) and we both feel that she needs somebody to be with her. Issues were when she was home alone in the afternoons due to us both working and having to travel for work.

Of course you could have handled your teen DD's time after school differently, without giving up your job, if you and your DH had wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused as to dependent argument here. SAHM since June here, so yes technically, I am dependent on my husband's income. That is what it is and I don't see any problem with it. However, my DH is not a jerk and this is our mutual decision that makes him more happy than me. Not for sexist reasons, my teen DD has ADHD and has made some irresponsible choices(nothing huge) and we both feel that she needs somebody to be with her. Issues were when she was home alone in the afternoons due to us both working and having to travel for work.

Of course you could have handled your teen DD's time after school differently, without giving up your job, if you and your DH had wanted.

My DH works overseas, has for past two years and will for another two. How should we have handled it? Working overseas is not by choice, the only choice would be him quitting and giving up a good job and good retirement. Do tell me what we should have done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused as to dependent argument here. SAHM since June here, so yes technically, I am dependent on my husband's income. That is what it is and I don't see any problem with it. However, my DH is not a jerk and this is our mutual decision that makes him more happy than me. Not for sexist reasons, my teen DD has ADHD and has made some irresponsible choices(nothing huge) and we both feel that she needs somebody to be with her. Issues were when she was home alone in the afternoons due to us both working and having to travel for work.

Of course you could have handled your teen DD's time after school differently, without giving up your job, if you and your DH had wanted.

My DH works overseas, has for past two years and will for another two. How should we have handled it? Working overseas is not by choice, the only choice would be him quitting and giving up a good job and good retirement. Do tell me what we should have done?

Hired someone to drive her around while supervising her for the two or three hours after school before you got home is a possibility. I'm sure you did what you and your DH thought was best, I'm not questioning that, just saying each marriage works differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a really low income in this area to stay at home.

Lol. That is my husband's ay my combined income and we had childcare expenses until this year, which we would not have if one of us stayed home and one of us made $200-$250k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused as to dependent argument here. SAHM since June here, so yes technically, I am dependent on my husband's income. That is what it is and I don't see any problem with it. However, my DH is not a jerk and this is our mutual decision that makes him more happy than me. Not for sexist reasons, my teen DD has ADHD and has made some irresponsible choices(nothing huge) and we both feel that she needs somebody to be with her. Issues were when she was home alone in the afternoons due to us both working and having to travel for work.

Of course you could have handled your teen DD's time after school differently, without giving up your job, if you and your DH had wanted.

My DH works overseas, has for past two years and will for another two. How should we have handled it? Working overseas is not by choice, the only choice would be him quitting and giving up a good job and good retirement. Do tell me what we should have done?

Hired someone to drive her around while supervising her for the two or three hours after school before you got home is a possibility. I'm sure you did what you and your DH thought was best, I'm not questioning that, just saying each marriage works differently.

Maybe so, but after reading the thread in teens about lawyers mom whose 12 year old is jealous of her work, which I see as a plea for having her mom with her, I am even more convinced that we made the right decision. I am not saying that some DCUM thread made my decision valid, just that there were many factors to take into consideration. I will most likely go back to work when I am sure that she is fine, sometimes teens need their parents around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused as to dependent argument here. SAHM since June here, so yes technically, I am dependent on my husband's income. That is what it is and I don't see any problem with it. However, my DH is not a jerk and this is our mutual decision that makes him more happy than me. Not for sexist reasons, my teen DD has ADHD and has made some irresponsible choices(nothing huge) and we both feel that she needs somebody to be with her. Issues were when she was home alone in the afternoons due to us both working and having to travel for work.

Of course you could have handled your teen DD's time after school differently, without giving up your job, if you and your DH had wanted.

My DH works overseas, has for past two years and will for another two. How should we have handled it? Working overseas is not by choice, the only choice would be him quitting and giving up a good job and good retirement. Do tell me what we should have done?

Hired someone to drive her around while supervising her for the two or three hours after school before you got home is a possibility. I'm sure you did what you and your DH thought was best, I'm not questioning that, just saying each marriage works differently.

Maybe so, but after reading the thread in teens about lawyers mom whose 12 year old is jealous of her work, which I see as a plea for having her mom with her, I am even more convinced that we made the right decision. I am not saying that some DCUM thread made my decision valid, just that there were many factors to take into consideration. I will most likely go back to work when I am sure that she is fine, sometimes teens need their parents around.

I didn't read that thread. If the only way that mom can spend time with her daughter is to give up her job entirely, I defer to her. I can't imagine giving a 12 year old veto power over a career that had flourished for 25 years, but I am lucky in that my children understand that I work just like dad works.