Question for fellow SAHM's with HHI in the $200-$250k range

[Anonymous]

How is it decided if/when updates or renovations are made to the house? This can be anything from paint, to a new substantial piece of furniture, or something big like a kitchen or bathroom. Don't count minor things like new bedding or new throw pillows.

Does one spouse make all the decisions? Is it a collaborative decision? Does x amount go into a seperate account for this per month/year?

Long story short, I am getting a lot of pushback from spouse on what I think are modest improvements to our 25 year old home (not kitchens or bathrooms, like wood floor and a built in in the family room. Granite for existing kitchen.) Would be paid for with cash, and not in any way take away from retirement or college funds. We have no debt at all aside from our 15-year mortgage.

Spouse has basically drawn a line in the sand and said no, end of discussion. Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Well I'm not sure what you being a SAHM has to do with this, unless he's not treating you as an equal because you don't earn the paychecks. But that's a much different and larger issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it decided if/when updates or renovations are made to the house? This can be anything from paint, to a new substantial piece of furniture, or something big like a kitchen or bathroom. Don't count minor things like new bedding or new throw pillows.

Does one spouse make all the decisions? Is it a collaborative decision? Does x amount go into a seperate account for this per month/year?

Long story short, I am getting a lot of pushback from spouse on what I think are modest improvements to our 25 year old home (not kitchens or bathrooms, like wood floor and a built in in the family room. Granite for existing kitchen.) Would be paid for with cash, and not in any way take away from retirement or college funds. We have no debt at all aside from our 15-year mortgage.

Spouse has basically drawn a line in the sand and said no, end of discussion. Is this normal?

It's easy for someone who doesn't earn money to take money for granted. Much different for the person who earns the money to watch their spouse just spend it. I think that perhaps your spouse believes that the changes you want to make are not that important. He is probably wondering why you have to have wood floors and granite countertops...

[Anonymous]

Nothing to do with being a SAHM and sounds like tall have different priorities or some other issue that your husband is upset about. To answer your question, I'm a SAHM so house stuff is my domain and I make those decisions although I keep DH in the loop about everything.

[Anonymous]

Can you get a job/side job to pay for what you want? If you are willing/able to do so, I'd let him know that and see if he changes his mind. If he realizes he is so cheap you are returning to the work force for minimal life improvements he may wake up/change his mind.

Also, I do a lot of DIY. I'm not sure of what dollar amounts we are talking about but you both could do it if he is unwilling to pay others to do it and wants to save money.

Finally, why are you ASKING? You must already have a dynamic where you ask for money. That must suck. I'd just have put it on a card already and reminded myself to let him know so he wasn't surprised by a charge.

Having said that, we make more that that, but we both work. We are into house improvements and consider all money 'ours', so there's no asking, there's deciding together (large $) or telling the other (smaller $).

[Anonymous]

Well, I recently had a huge remodeling project done in my house - new floors, new bathrooms, paint, change in fixtures. new doors and windows, structural changes, carpeting, build-ins, electrical changes etc. It started off as a small project but once I realized that the amount of headache and inconvenience you undertake when you get ANY remodeling done in the house, I decided to have everything done at once. The thing that my DH made clear to me was that he would not help in anything at all - no decision making, no design aspects, no trips to home depot, no looking at websites + He did not want to be inconvenienced - he did not want to move to a hotel, he needed at least one bathroom working at all time, he did not want to empty out the rooms, he did not want to breathe in any dust....

Long story short - he left everything on me, which is in some ways easier. I did not ask his permission for the money because I am smarter about how I use money than he is. I just asked him to transfer money in our checking account. I don't feel I am answerable to anyone about how I spend money. If I had to take permission from him to spend our money, I would have not quit my job to stay at home. I probably would not have remained married to him either.

[Anonymous]

with granite installed running between 63 - 99 per square foot. My kitchen has 60 square feet of counter which is between 3780 - 5940 for granite. That is not "inconsequential" amount of money. Consider that at 200 - 250K of income your take home (after all deductions: fed, state tax, retirement, etc.) then your husband has to earn 8,000 - 12,000 in order for you to have new counter tops. That is about half a months work for him. something like 4 - 5% of your annual income. That is not "inconsequential." 4% here... 5% there.... "its only a few thousand... we make over 200k...." so on and so on....

[Anonymous]

We make those kind of decisions together - Same as when I was a wohp. Are you both on the same page regarding college savings, retirement savings and parenting?

Plus, how often do you buy new sheets and comforters?

[Anonymous]

I also said no to home improvements when my now ex-DW demanded them. I knew she was plotting a divorce, and she wanted the house all fixed up so she could live there and cash in on the equity.

Also, home improvements never pay off. You are much better off putting the money into a low-fee Vanguard fund and buying a nicer house with the proceeds one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:with granite installed running between 63 - 99 per square foot. My kitchen has 60 square feet of counter which is between 3780 - 5940 for granite. That is not "inconsequential" amount of money. Consider that at 200 - 250K of income your take home (after all deductions: fed, state tax, retirement, etc.) then your husband has to earn 8,000 - 12,000 in order for you to have new counter tops. That is about half a months work for him. something like 4 - 5% of your annual income. That is not "inconsequential." 4% here... 5% there.... "its only a few thousand... we make over 200k...." so on and so on....

This. Your new granite countertops mean that your DH literally will have to postpone retirement by 2 weeks. And next year it's something else, and then something else. So you are asking your DH to work more. It seems that he should have a pretty big veto option on this decision, then.

I always laugh when people talk about how there is no consequence to spending X$ since they already paid mortgage, debts etc. But just because money isn't allocated for a specific pot (car payment, mortgage, 10% savings) doesn't mean there aren't consequences to spending it.

Also, lots of my male friends with Sah wives are technically supportive of the arrangement, but it doesn't mean they don't resent that they're the only ones working.

Suggest the OP get a job or stop asking for granite.

[Anonymous]

Often the SAH parent is more in tune with home values and updates than the non-SAH parent. I'm a SAHM and my husband was indeed initially resistant to large-scale projects (and by large I mean kitchen or basement reno, not 4,000sqft addition), but he would come around when I'd point out that other families with similar incomes and homes had recently done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:with granite installed running between 63 - 99 per square foot. My kitchen has 60 square feet of counter which is between 3780 - 5940 for granite. That is not "inconsequential" amount of money. Consider that at 200 - 250K of income your take home (after all deductions: fed, state tax, retirement, etc.) then your husband has to earn 8,000 - 12,000 in order for you to have new counter tops. That is about half a months work for him. something like 4 - 5% of your annual income. That is not "inconsequential." 4% here... 5% there.... "its only a few thousand... we make over 200k...." so on and so on....

This. Your new granite countertops mean that your DH literally will have to postpone retirement by 2 weeks. And next year it's something else, and then something else. So you are asking your DH to work more. It seems that he should have a pretty big veto option on this decision, then.

I always laugh when people talk about how there is no consequence to spending X$ since they already paid mortgage, debts etc. But just because money isn't allocated for a specific pot (car payment, mortgage, 10% savings) doesn't mean there aren't consequences to spending it.

Also, lots of my male friends with Sah wives are technically supportive of the arrangement, but it doesn't mean they don't resent that they're the only ones working.

Suggest the OP get a job or stop asking for granite.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP are you the same person who started the thread about SAHMs and their working spouses disagreeing about purchases under $200? if so I think you have bigger problems in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

We have talks about what needs to be done in the next year, two years, 5 years., etc. We prioritize and then I get estimates and then we re-evaluate the list.

Not sure if this is a sahm thing or a communication/relationship thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you the same person who started the thread about SAHMs and their working spouses disagreeing about purchases under $200? if so I think you have bigger problems in your relationship.

No, not me. My DH doesn't have an issue with regular recurring expenses.