Poll for men: submissive wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do the mail thing, but my husband always manages the family passports on trips. He hands them to the border agent for the family. He also does all the bills and all the taxes. I feel happy in my marriage after nearly 20 years, I think he does too, and our relationship is strong. If he likes to hold the family passports, and I don't, why would that mean anything? PP sounds pretty happy. Why assume otherwise?

It's not just the passports it's the totality of everything. PP doesn't sound happy to me. She sounds fearful and resigned, like she'd like to make some changes but doesn't know how.

I did not pick up on the fearful thing. I think she wants to make changes because she's getting to the age where people DO start dying young, like her friend's husband, and she realizes she's unusually reliant on him. But other than that, she mentions over and over that they're both happy with how things are. I agree with the person who said "If he likes to do X and I don't, why should it matter?" People can overthink this gender role stuff. In a long term relationship that lasts for decades, there should be a lot of mutual dependence imo. If there isn't, THAT can be indicative of a different set of problems.

I don't think dependence is ever a sign of a healthy relationship. Longevity does not equal healthy. That's a mistake many people make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do the mail thing, but my husband always manages the family passports on trips. He hands them to the border agent for the family. He also does all the bills and all the taxes. I feel happy in my marriage after nearly 20 years, I think he does too, and our relationship is strong. If he likes to hold the family passports, and I don't, why would that mean anything? PP sounds pretty happy. Why assume otherwise?

It's not just the passports it's the totality of everything. PP doesn't sound happy to me. She sounds fearful and resigned, like she'd like to make some changes but doesn't know how.

I did not pick up on the fearful thing. I think she wants to make changes because she's getting to the age where people DO start dying young, like her friend's husband, and she realizes she's unusually reliant on him. But other than that, she mentions over and over that they're both happy with how things are. I agree with the person who said "If he likes to do X and I don't, why should it matter?" People can overthink this gender role stuff. In a long term relationship that lasts for decades, there should be a lot of mutual dependence imo. If there isn't, THAT can be indicative of a different set of problems.

Ok this might be true but how is he dependent on her? All we hear about is how he takes care of all the details and she goes along with it.

NP. Maybe he depends on her for an emotional outlet? IME these kind of hyper competitive "alpha men" don't have a lot of close friends they can open up with. They have their wives (or maybe APs) and that's it. I don't know why people are picking on her posts. It doesn't seem that uncommon to me. The mail thing is weird but that's really the only thing that stood out to me as being unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got a good friend, he's mid 30's, a narcissist, but he's that guy in our group of friends who is hilarious, but can be so demanding and self centered at times. He's prone to delusions of grandeur and white lies. He has a good job though. He married a very pretty, but essentially opinion and temper free, woman in her mid 20's, who basically caters to his needs. He kind of belittles her at times, but is generally caring. To the guys out there who are in long term relationships or have been married for a while and the power dynamics are different, and actually equal, or flipped the other way, where the woman is moodier, or more type-a, or demanding than you are...do you wish you'd married someone more docile, agreeable, etc? Someone who would let you lead? This is just a random poll and not an admission that I consider a doormat perfect wife material. Just wondering if you're like "hmm, that could seem less stressful now that I think about it." Anyway, I'm sure there will be some people flaming away at this post.

This relationship sounds like a disaster, if it anything like the one I know. The wife is prone to random OCD thoughts and behaviors. She is generally okay, on the outside, but will attach to a crazy idea (about someone outside the family, like a neighbor), and not subside until he "takes care of it" - by any means possible. He would be what most people call NPD, so she is submissive in the house about 90% of the time, until she locks in on something irrational, then he goes along with the crazy. I wouldn't live with either of them, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do the mail thing, but my husband always manages the family passports on trips. He hands them to the border agent for the family. He also does all the bills and all the taxes. I feel happy in my marriage after nearly 20 years, I think he does too, and our relationship is strong. If he likes to hold the family passports, and I don't, why would that mean anything? PP sounds pretty happy. Why assume otherwise?

It's not just the passports it's the totality of everything. PP doesn't sound happy to me. She sounds fearful and resigned, like she'd like to make some changes but doesn't know how.

I did not pick up on the fearful thing. I think she wants to make changes because she's getting to the age where people DO start dying young, like her friend's husband, and she realizes she's unusually reliant on him. But other than that, she mentions over and over that they're both happy with how things are. I agree with the person who said "If he likes to do X and I don't, why should it matter?" People can overthink this gender role stuff. In a long term relationship that lasts for decades, there should be a lot of mutual dependence imo. If there isn't, THAT can be indicative of a different set of problems.

I don't think dependence is ever a sign of a healthy relationship. Longevity does not equal healthy. That's a mistake many people make.

+1

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

I would say longevity + happiness = healthiness. I mean, she's telling us that they're both happy (and I would assume this is true, otherwise they'd change things as they've been together for a long time). Who are you to say otherwise? lol. Are we just going to choose not to believe what she's telling us? What's the point in posting on these boards then if we're not going to take anything at face value?

[Anonymous]

NP. Am I the only Type A woman on here who recognizes herself in the description of that husband? LOL. Knowing what I know now, I wish I had married someone more laid back and go with the flow who would let me handle things because I am objectively better at doing so. I let my husband do our taxes on year and he made a big, expensive mistake. Last time that happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the DW and while DH can be demanding about certain things, essentially I make all the major decisions in our family, contribute equally financially and am definitely not intellectually or emotionally submissive--I am outspoken, confident, comfortable in my skin and a leader in my field at work. But i do wish that in the bedroom DH would take charge more often. My hottest relationships have been that way--I'm such a control freak in many areas that allowing myself to let go is intense. Unfortunately DH doesn't really know how to go there; it is not a role he assumes naturally.

I would like a situation like this too. Needless to say, I haven't found it. I think the problem is that you want a man who is comfortable being really dominant in the bedroom, you are basically looking for a man who naturally takes charge in all areas of his life. So then you have to put up with him wanting to hang on to your passport at the airport or not letting you open the mail, lol. Honestly, at this point in my life, I might agree to those compromises for some really hot sex

[Anonymous]

^ YES to the above! Why can't men understand that we want them to help us 50/50 with the housework and kids but then throw us down on the bed and ravish us on occasion? That is HOT.

Don't they know anything about the kind of erotic fiction women read? That 50 Shades series was poorly written and the premise was dumb but there is a reason it is so popular despite those problems, LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ YES to the above! Why can't men understand that we want them to help us 50/50 with the housework and kids but then throw us down on the bed and ravish us on occasion? That is HOT.

Don't they know anything about the kind of erotic fiction women read? That 50 Shades series was poorly written and the premise was dumb but there is a reason it is so popular despite those problems, LOL.

Because not all of us want to be thrown down and ravished. Not all of us find that hot. Speak for yourself not the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say longevity + happiness = healthiness. I mean, she's telling us that they're both happy (and I would assume this is true, otherwise they'd change things as they've been together for a long time). Who are you to say otherwise? lol. Are we just going to choose not to believe what she's telling us? What's the point in posting on these boards then if we're not going to take anything at face value?

Because her entire pot reeks of insecurity and uncertainty. She's saying she's happy. Happy people don't say they are happy it shows, or it comes through in the confidence of their writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ YES to the above! Why can't men understand that we want them to help us 50/50 with the housework and kids but then throw us down on the bed and ravish us on occasion? That is HOT.

Don't they know anything about the kind of erotic fiction women read? That 50 Shades series was poorly written and the premise was dumb but there is a reason it is so popular despite those problems, LOL.

Because not all of us want to be thrown down and ravished. Not all of us find that hot. Speak for yourself not the group.

You might not want that but you can't deny that a LOT of women apparently fantasize about it. More to the point though is that specific combination (dominant in the bedroom, flexible with everything else) is really hard to find and I wonder why.

Men: why don't you ever just push your wife up against a wall or throw her down on the bed? Have you ever tried?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Am I the only Type A woman on here who recognizes herself in the description of that husband? LOL. Knowing what I know now, I wish I had married someone more laid back and go with the flow who would let me handle things because I am objectively better at doing so. I let my husband do our taxes on year and he made a big, expensive mistake. Last time that happened.

I think they best marriages are when each party is able to play to their strengths it works best for the family as a whole.

Personally, I think people who need to type A or control everything are better off single, same for those that need constant leading ( notice the word constant as good marriages require leading and following), marriage isn't a solo sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ YES to the above! Why can't men understand that we want them to help us 50/50 with the housework and kids but then throw us down on the bed and ravish us on occasion? That is HOT.

Don't they know anything about the kind of erotic fiction women read? That 50 Shades series was poorly written and the premise was dumb but there is a reason it is so popular despite those problems, LOL.

Because not all of us want to be thrown down and ravished. Not all of us find that hot. Speak for yourself not the group.

You might not want that but you can't deny that a LOT of women apparently fantasize about it. More to the point though is that specific combination (dominant in the bedroom, flexible with everything else) is really hard to find and I wonder why.

Men: why don't you ever just push your wife up against a wall or throw her down on the bed? Have you ever tried?

I didn't try to deny it. You however claimed that all women wanted it . I was simply pointing out to you that isn't true.

As for the rest of your post open your mouth and communicate. Marriage is not a fantasy where you pick your partner from a shelf and they come preloaded with info on how to please you. That is not people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ YES to the above! Why can't men understand that we want them to help us 50/50 with the housework and kids but then throw us down on the bed and ravish us on occasion? That is HOT.

Don't they know anything about the kind of erotic fiction women read? That 50 Shades series was poorly written and the premise was dumb but there is a reason it is so popular despite those problems, LOL.

Because not all of us want to be thrown down and ravished. Not all of us find that hot. Speak for yourself not the group.

You might not want that but you can't deny that a LOT of women apparently fantasize about it. More to the point though is that specific combination (dominant in the bedroom, flexible with everything else) is really hard to find and I wonder why.

Men: why don't you ever just push your wife up against a wall or throw her down on the bed? Have you ever tried?

I didn't try to deny it. You however claimed that all women wanted it . I was simply pointing out to you that isn't true.

As for the rest of your post open your mouth and communicate. Marriage is not a fantasy where you pick your partner from a shelf and they come preloaded with info on how to please you. That is not people.

NP. Eh I know what she's talking about. I've seen many similar posts from women on here. My theory is that that kind of romance and passion is largely incompatible with long term domestic partnership. It's hard to feel spontaneously sexy in that way when you're bitching at someone for not doing the laundry or packing the lunchboxes, kwim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Men: why don't you ever just push your wife up against a wall or throw her down on the bed? Have you ever tried?

I can't speak for all men, but I've been inundated my whole life with messages such as the following:
1. Women are sick to death of sexual attention they get from boorish men.
2. Women sometimes want sex, but usually they don't.
3. Women live in fear of rape culture.
4. "No means no."
5. "No means no" isn't enough - enthusiastic consent is necessary to avoid rape.
6. Don't be a rapist.

Sure, she's my wife but: a) a lifetime of conditioning is hard to break; and b) she's never indicated that she wants to be treated that way. In fact, she's often talked with anger about the unwanted, unsolicited sexual harassment she was subject to in her teens and early twenties.