Poll for men: submissive wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I'm not who you're looking for as I am a woman but by nature I suspect I am more docile, easy going, etc. than most other women I know and the ones I read posts by on here. I'm just not every demanding. I was always very shy which has turned into reserve as an adult. I don't have super strong opinions on most things (except Trump but that's unusual for me). I HATE confrontation. I'm not competitive at all.

I married a man who is very competitive and aggressive by nature. He hates to lose at anything, even board games, which is crazy to me that anyone cares about stuff like that, lol. He makes most of the decisions concerning our lives, taking into consideration my input, and we've both been happy about this situation for a long time. We're coming up on our 12th wedding anniversary. However, a friend's husband died recently and I realized that if that happened to me I'd be SOL because there are sooooo many things that I rely on my husband for. He takes care of all our financial paperwork, taxes, house and yard stuff, our cars, etc. When we go somewhere, he always drives. I decide where we should travel but then he arranges all the details and takes care of the paperwork. He's older than me and has always been a high earner so he's always paid for everything. My name wasn't even on the deed to our first house because I was so young when we bought it and didn't have a source of income or even a credit history. Really my only domain where I take care of the details is the kids and I keep him updated on all that stuff.

We have a happy strong married but yeah I realize that I am probably unusually reliant on him. I'm not sure why I am this way as I had a good, happy childhood, etc. I guess maybe I was too sheltered? I'm used to having someone else take care of me. I married my husband at 24 and lived with him for two years before that so this is all I've known pretty much. I went from my parents' house, to college, to my husband's house. I've never lived on my own.

This was my mom. She graduated from high school the same year my dad graduated from college. They married when she was a freshman (she finished and went on to grad school). I was on the same path almost (met an upperclassman as a freshman and when he graduated and started working, I began feathering our nest. I was 18 (turned 17 rught before my freshman year began). My parents pushed me to choose differently for my life and live a little and learn how to provide myself before marrying. I listened (my college beau wanted a SAHW so we eventually broke up) and now I have an enviable career but no family. I got married older to a man who couldnt make babies without help and our ART didnt work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I'm not who you're looking for as I am a woman but by nature I suspect I am more docile, easy going, etc. than most other women I know and the ones I read posts by on here. I'm just not every demanding. I was always very shy which has turned into reserve as an adult. I don't have super strong opinions on most things (except Trump but that's unusual for me). I HATE confrontation. I'm not competitive at all.

I married a man who is very competitive and aggressive by nature. He hates to lose at anything, even board games, which is crazy to me that anyone cares about stuff like that, lol. He makes most of the decisions concerning our lives, taking into consideration my input, and we've both been happy about this situation for a long time. We're coming up on our 12th wedding anniversary. However, a friend's husband died recently and I realized that if that happened to me I'd be SOL because there are sooooo many things that I rely on my husband for. He takes care of all our financial paperwork, taxes, house and yard stuff, our cars, etc. When we go somewhere, he always drives. I decide where we should travel but then he arranges all the details and takes care of the paperwork. He's older than me and has always been a high earner so he's always paid for everything. My name wasn't even on the deed to our first house because I was so young when we bought it and didn't have a source of income or even a credit history. Really my only domain where I take care of the details is the kids and I keep him updated on all that stuff.

We have a happy strong married but yeah I realize that I am probably unusually reliant on him. I'm not sure why I am this way as I had a good, happy childhood, etc. I guess maybe I was too sheltered? I'm used to having someone else take care of me. I married my husband at 24 and lived with him for two years before that so this is all I've known pretty much. I went from my parents' house, to college, to my husband's house. I've never lived on my own.

This was my mom. She graduated from high school the same year my dad graduated from college. They married when she was a freshman (she finished and went on to grad school). I was on the same path almost (met an upperclassman as a freshman and when he graduated and started working, I began feathering our nest. I was 18 (turned 17 rught before my freshman year began). My parents pushed me to choose differently for my life and live a little and learn how to provide myself before marrying. I listened (my college beau wanted a SAHW so we eventually broke up) and now I have an enviable career but no family. I got married older to a man who couldnt make babies without help and our ART didnt work.

I'm sorry, PP. What does ART mean?

[Anonymous]

There's nothing worse than sex with a pushover. If that's what someone wants then god speed but for me I want an equal intellectual and sexual adversary (wrong word but I can't think of the right one) otherwise I fell like I might as well have sex with my Roomba.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing worse than sex with a pushover. If that's what someone wants then god speed but for me I want an equal intellectual and sexual adversary (wrong word but I can't think of the right one) otherwise I fell like I might as well have sex with my Roomba.

Being submissive is different from being a pushover. It doesn't mean being a passive starfish.

[Anonymous]

Guarantee this dude isn't posting in the sexless thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing worse than sex with a pushover. If that's what someone wants then god speed but for me I want an equal intellectual and sexual adversary (wrong word but I can't think of the right one) otherwise I fell like I might as well have sex with my Roomba.

Being submissive is different from being a pushover. It doesn't mean being a passive starfish.

Right it means the dominant partner can do whatever they want - out act whatever fantasy they want, use any position they want - and the other person will go along with it. Thats why people like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is what I'm describing really that unusual? I don't know why so many people are quoting me.

I think it is unusual for people on this board. Ultra feminism, "women are exactly like men" crowd. They have such a wildly different world view that it is apparently blowing their minds that one or both of you don't secretly hate each other. I have known several couples with the kind of marriage you are describing, so it doesn't seem so crazy to me. And obviously it works if each of you have the personality type for it.

I am kind of what you describe and don't think what she's doing sounds particularly unusual or concerning as long as both sides are happy. I do think the mail tiny sounds intense, but honestly every relationship is really different so whatever makes both parties the happiest is best imo, regardless of what gender norms you fall into

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got a good friend, he's mid 30's, a narcissist, but he's that guy in our group of friends who is hilarious, but can be so demanding and self centered at times. He's prone to delusions of grandeur and white lies. He has a good job though. He married a very pretty, but essentially opinion and temper free, woman in her mid 20's, who basically caters to his needs. He kind of belittles her at times, but is generally caring. To the guys out there who are in long term relationships or have been married for a while and the power dynamics are different, and actually equal, or flipped the other way, where the woman is moodier, or more type-a, or demanding than you are...do you wish you'd married someone more docile, agreeable, etc? Someone who would let you lead? This is just a random poll and not an admission that I consider a doormat perfect wife material. Just wondering if you're like "hmm, that could seem less stressful now that I think about it." Anyway, I'm sure there will be some people flaming away at this post.

Yes, now that I am nearing 40, I am far less tolerable of stressful people. My wife loves criticizing everything and has a short temper. Sometimes I wonder what the hell it is like being married to someone who is calm and collected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is what I'm describing really that unusual? I don't know why so many people are quoting me.

I think it is unusual for people on this board. Ultra feminism, "women are exactly like men" crowd. They have such a wildly different world view that it is apparently blowing their minds that one or both of you don't secretly hate each other. I have known several couples with the kind of marriage you are describing, so it doesn't seem so crazy to me. And obviously it works if each of you have the personality type for it.

I am kind of what you describe and don't think what she's doing sounds particularly unusual or concerning as long as both sides are happy. I do think the mail tiny sounds intense, but honestly every relationship is really different so whatever makes both parties the happiest is best imo, regardless of what gender norms you fall into

My relationship is actually similar to this since I am very laid back and my husband like taking control of household details. The mail thing is similar and the passport and traveling thing we do too. But the underlying fundamentals are very different...I was on my own financially since 18 and didn't get married until 30. I know how do my taxes and take care of myself. I also earn more than DH. I consider myself a feminist.

[Anonymous]

We don't do the mail thing, but my husband always manages the family passports on trips. He hands them to the border agent for the family. He also does all the bills and all the taxes. I feel happy in my marriage after nearly 20 years, I think he does too, and our relationship is strong. If he likes to hold the family passports, and I don't, why would that mean anything? PP sounds pretty happy. Why assume otherwise?

[Anonymous]

I am the DW and while DH can be demanding about certain things, essentially I make all the major decisions in our family, contribute equally financially and am definitely not intellectually or emotionally submissive--I am outspoken, confident, comfortable in my skin and a leader in my field at work. But i do wish that in the bedroom DH would take charge more often. My hottest relationships have been that way--I'm such a control freak in many areas that allowing myself to let go is intense. Unfortunately DH doesn't really know how to go there; it is not a role he assumes naturally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't do the mail thing, but my husband always manages the family passports on trips. He hands them to the border agent for the family. He also does all the bills and all the taxes. I feel happy in my marriage after nearly 20 years, I think he does too, and our relationship is strong. If he likes to hold the family passports, and I don't, why would that mean anything? PP sounds pretty happy. Why assume otherwise?

It's not just the passports it's the totality of everything. PP doesn't sound happy to me. She sounds fearful and resigned, like she'd like to make some changes but doesn't know how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do the mail thing, but my husband always manages the family passports on trips. He hands them to the border agent for the family. He also does all the bills and all the taxes. I feel happy in my marriage after nearly 20 years, I think he does too, and our relationship is strong. If he likes to hold the family passports, and I don't, why would that mean anything? PP sounds pretty happy. Why assume otherwise?

It's not just the passports it's the totality of everything. PP doesn't sound happy to me. She sounds fearful and resigned, like she'd like to make some changes but doesn't know how.

I did not pick up on the fearful thing. I think she wants to make changes because she's getting to the age where people DO start dying young, like her friend's husband, and she realizes she's unusually reliant on him. But other than that, she mentions over and over that they're both happy with how things are. I agree with the person who said "If he likes to do X and I don't, why should it matter?" People can overthink this gender role stuff. In a long term relationship that lasts for decades, there should be a lot of mutual dependence imo. If there isn't, THAT can be indicative of a different set of problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do the mail thing, but my husband always manages the family passports on trips. He hands them to the border agent for the family. He also does all the bills and all the taxes. I feel happy in my marriage after nearly 20 years, I think he does too, and our relationship is strong. If he likes to hold the family passports, and I don't, why would that mean anything? PP sounds pretty happy. Why assume otherwise?

It's not just the passports it's the totality of everything. PP doesn't sound happy to me. She sounds fearful and resigned, like she'd like to make some changes but doesn't know how.

I did not pick up on the fearful thing. I think she wants to make changes because she's getting to the age where people DO start dying young, like her friend's husband, and she realizes she's unusually reliant on him. But other than that, she mentions over and over that they're both happy with how things are. I agree with the person who said "If he likes to do X and I don't, why should it matter?" People can overthink this gender role stuff. In a long term relationship that lasts for decades, there should be a lot of mutual dependence imo. If there isn't, THAT can be indicative of a different set of problems.

Ok this might be true but how is he dependent on her? All we hear about is how he takes care of all the details and she goes along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do the mail thing, but my husband always manages the family passports on trips. He hands them to the border agent for the family. He also does all the bills and all the taxes. I feel happy in my marriage after nearly 20 years, I think he does too, and our relationship is strong. If he likes to hold the family passports, and I don't, why would that mean anything? PP sounds pretty happy. Why assume otherwise?

It's not just the passports it's the totality of everything. PP doesn't sound happy to me. She sounds fearful and resigned, like she'd like to make some changes but doesn't know how.

I did not pick up on the fearful thing. I think she wants to make changes because she's getting to the age where people DO start dying young, like her friend's husband, and she realizes she's unusually reliant on him. But other than that, she mentions over and over that they're both happy with how things are. I agree with the person who said "If he likes to do X and I don't, why should it matter?" People can overthink this gender role stuff. In a long term relationship that lasts for decades, there should be a lot of mutual dependence imo. If there isn't, THAT can be indicative of a different set of problems.

I agree with you about the gender stuff and ultimately if it works for their relationship it's fine.

I disagree with you about the fear. I see fear all throughout her post, and her repeated mention of being happy does not read as happiness, but as a need to convince.