Intimacy vs sex-- which is more important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female viagra only failed because they could not account for women not wanting sex due to men being terrible in bed and abusive.

From a pharmaceutical standpoint it is effective, not more effective then men being a good loving and intimate partners.

1) sex has to be good
2) H can't be an ass
3) thrn you can test to see if "the pink pill" works.

Unfortunately many men can't do 1 or 2 hence the study failing, they want to blame their wives and not change themselves.

That's an interesting theory, unfortunately it makes absolutely no sense.
If a woman is with an asshole, or he sucks in bed, why on earth would she want to have sex with him?
She shouldn't!!
So WHY is that woman taking any pink viagra???
How pointless is that!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you are making an atmosphere of sex that is not fun/free/healthy/pleasurable, many men do that with the "I will act grumpy until I get it" phenomenon.... aka emotional abuse, or lack of sleep, or down time, or a million other things.

The female viagra pill failed the 1st time because they did not control for mean/controlling/abusive men. It only works in mutually supportive relationships. Being grumpy because you don't get it would be a factor that would make the viagra pill fail for women. Acting like a woman is broken because she does not want to have sex is also considered emotionally abusive.

I think somebody that does not know sex is variable, and if you think women have complete control over this... you don't understand women's bodies/minds/spirits (or people for that matter). Just like men who can't perform for various reasons. Things change, if you really want to talk about biology.

It's interesting you equate having sex with a measurement of how much your wife loves you, this is a key indicator of marriages that will fail.

Adaptable people do try to change a bad situation, then they try to change their perception (this is something I don't think you will ever get), then they try to change their reaction to it.... if they can't they perpetuate suffering.

Sex is plenty fun/free/healthy/pleasurable in my bedroom. But I love your circular argument: if I withhold a basic need for long enough for you to naturally react, then I can use your negative reaction as a reason to withhold. What if I stop being a financial provider for my wife, when she starts complaining how our bank account is always empty, should I then blame her grumpiness as the reason I keep my whole paycheck for myself?

Sex need not be (highly) variable. This is 100% a choice that is fully within my partner's control, like the decision to treat one another with basic respect/dignity there is some leeway here but not as much as you seem to be suggesting. And why would a woman want to NOT have sex for any significant period of time? Please give me an example of some legitimate reason. Note that I define "sex" rather broadly, its not just PIV.

"Can't perform" might preclude some sexual activities, but it sounds more like you are saying "won't perform" and I consider that a core relationship problem where I'd expect to see concrete actions (on BOTH sides....) to quickly repair the relationship and resume normal marital relations. So this would be a brief period of active, hard work (on BOTH sides) to mend things, not indefinite waiting around until one person suddenly "feels like" having sex again.

The male viagra pill does NOTHING for a guy's sex drive, because the guys taking viagra have plenty of sex drive but can't get an errection.
So viagra addresses the physical symptom of low penile blood flow.
No female viagra pill is ever possible because women's primary sexual dysfunction is mental (loss of desire) not physical.

Women who can enjoy sex and easily and predictably O don't turn down sex. That is also backed up by research... so if you are not getting it, you most likely are not giving her an O easily and predictably or you have turned it into her "responsiblity"... both don't describe free/healthy/fun.

If you wife does not expect any money from you she won't be grumpy when your money is gone... it's her expectation that as a grown adult she needs somebody else's money that makes her unhappy not the fact there is no money.

You have clearly turned your wife into a fee for sex marriage... you have money and she has the booty and she better give it up. You are unhealthy ... it's sad actually. I have empathy for your wife and future lovers.

What planet do you live on... there is a "woman's viagra" pill... there is also a pill that kills the sex life ... it's call "the pill" ... educated yourself

good luck with your very uneducated and rigid view on marriage... your step children are bound to love you.

I can reliably and easily o. When I have a strong intimate connection with my husband. Otherwise ...not as easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intimacy, duh.

This. All you people who say SEX actually mean INTIMACY because your spouse needs the INTIMACY to have SEX.

Unless she was one of the millions of people who ever enjoyed a one-night-stand.

That doesn't count. ONS doesn't need intimacy. But you do with your spouse.

Weird that a spouse should have to jump through more hoops for sex than a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can reliably and easily o. When I have a strong intimate connection with my husband. Otherwise ...not as easy.

That is great news! Because if your H is like most men, frequent sex will create a strong intimate connection. This is a positive feedback loop, just do your part to keep it going, and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women who can enjoy sex and easily and predictably O don't turn down sex. That is also backed up by research... so if you are not getting it, you most likely are not giving her an O easily and predictably or you have turned it into her "responsiblity"... both don't describe free/healthy/fun.

If you wife does not expect any money from you she won't be grumpy when your money is gone... it's her expectation that as a grown adult she needs somebody else's money that makes her unhappy not the fact there is no money.

You have clearly turned your wife into a fee for sex marriage... you have money and she has the booty and she better give it up. You are unhealthy ... it's sad actually. I have empathy for your wife and future lovers.

What planet do you live on... there is a "woman's viagra" pill... there is also a pill that kills the sex life ... it's call "the pill" ... educated yourself

good luck with your very uneducated and rigid view on marriage... your step children are bound to love you.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female viagra only failed because they could not account for women not wanting sex due to men being terrible in bed and abusive.

From a pharmaceutical standpoint it is effective, not more effective then men being a good loving and intimate partners.

1) sex has to be good
2) H can't be an ass
3) thrn you can test to see if "the pink pill" works.

Unfortunately many men can't do 1 or 2 hence the study failing, they want to blame their wives and not change themselves.

Clearly you intend for this to be critical towards men, instead you've insulted such women who are taking female viagra instead of, you know, maybe telling him he sucks in bed, or telling him he's an asshole, and refusing to have sex unless/until he makes the necessary positive changes?

Are women really that stupid or submissive or lack agency so as to medicate themselves instead of confronting what is obviously a major problem in their partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female viagra only failed because they could not account for women not wanting sex due to men being terrible in bed and abusive.

From a pharmaceutical standpoint it is effective, not more effective then men being a good loving and intimate partners.

1) sex has to be good
2) H can't be an ass
3) thrn you can test to see if "the pink pill" works.

Unfortunately many men can't do 1 or 2 hence the study failing, they want to blame their wives and not change themselves.

That's an interesting theory, unfortunately it makes absolutely no sense.
If a woman is with an asshole, or he sucks in bed, why on earth would she want to have sex with him?
She shouldn't!!
So WHY is that woman taking any pink viagra???
How pointless is that!!

That is exactly what the study found. They decided counseling and not the pink pill was the "treatment plan".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female viagra only failed because they could not account for women not wanting sex due to men being terrible in bed and abusive.

From a pharmaceutical standpoint it is effective, not more effective then men being a good loving and intimate partners.

1) sex has to be good
2) H can't be an ass
3) thrn you can test to see if "the pink pill" works.

Unfortunately many men can't do 1 or 2 hence the study failing, they want to blame their wives and not change themselves.

Clearly you intend for this to be critical towards men, instead you've insulted such women who are taking female viagra instead of, you know, maybe telling him he sucks in bed, or telling him he's an asshole, and refusing to have sex unless/until he makes the necessary positive changes?

Are women really that stupid or submissive or lack agency so as to medicate themselves instead of confronting what is obviously a major problem in their partner?

I am just reporting what the first round of the study found.

Lack of libido is mostly due to marital discourse, some times from physical pain, often women just don't have O's.

The pink pill does not work for women with these issues.

Yes, some women are not in touch with their bodies and emotions.

1/3 of women were raped, so yes... There is a whole host of things that need to be examined before using a pharmaceutical solution.

[Anonymous]

At what point do you continue to blame the man (who, for her, might suck in bed) if the woman who obviously KNOWS that he sucks in bed (for her) but STILL she goes ahead and marries him?

Better for both of them to find a compatible partner. Maybe he really does suck in bed and there is no partner for him. Or maybe one woman's version of "he suck in bed" is actually good sex.

But in no case should a couple EVER marry where the woman believes "he sucks in bed". So I just don't see how this can be such a popular justistification for her libido loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you are making an atmosphere of sex that is not fun/free/healthy/pleasurable, many men do that with the "I will act grumpy until I get it" phenomenon.... aka emotional abuse, or lack of sleep, or down time, or a million other things.

The female viagra pill failed the 1st time because they did not control for mean/controlling/abusive men. It only works in mutually supportive relationships. Being grumpy because you don't get it would be a factor that would make the viagra pill fail for women. Acting like a woman is broken because she does not want to have sex is also considered emotionally abusive.

I think somebody that does not know sex is variable, and if you think women have complete control over this... you don't understand women's bodies/minds/spirits (or people for that matter). Just like men who can't perform for various reasons. Things change, if you really want to talk about biology.

It's interesting you equate having sex with a measurement of how much your wife loves you, this is a key indicator of marriages that will fail.

Adaptable people do try to change a bad situation, then they try to change their perception (this is something I don't think you will ever get), then they try to change their reaction to it.... if they can't they perpetuate suffering.

Sex is plenty fun/free/healthy/pleasurable in my bedroom. But I love your circular argument: if I withhold a basic need for long enough for you to naturally react, then I can use your negative reaction as a reason to withhold. What if I stop being a financial provider for my wife, when she starts complaining how our bank account is always empty, should I then blame her grumpiness as the reason I keep my whole paycheck for myself?

Sex need not be (highly) variable. This is 100% a choice that is fully within my partner's control, like the decision to treat one another with basic respect/dignity there is some leeway here but not as much as you seem to be suggesting. And why would a woman want to NOT have sex for any significant period of time? Please give me an example of some legitimate reason. Note that I define "sex" rather broadly, its not just PIV.

"Can't perform" might preclude some sexual activities, but it sounds more like you are saying "won't perform" and I consider that a core relationship problem where I'd expect to see concrete actions (on BOTH sides....) to quickly repair the relationship and resume normal marital relations. So this would be a brief period of active, hard work (on BOTH sides) to mend things, not indefinite waiting around until one person suddenly "feels like" having sex again.

The male viagra pill does NOTHING for a guy's sex drive, because the guys taking viagra have plenty of sex drive but can't get an errection.
So viagra addresses the physical symptom of low penile blood flow.
No female viagra pill is ever possible because women's primary sexual dysfunction is mental (loss of desire) not physical.

Women who can enjoy sex and easily and predictably O don't turn down sex. That is also backed up by research... so if you are not getting it, you most likely are not giving her an O easily and predictably or you have turned it into her "responsiblity"... both don't describe free/healthy/fun.

If you wife does not expect any money from you she won't be grumpy when your money is gone... it's her expectation that as a grown adult she needs somebody else's money that makes her unhappy not the fact there is no money.

You have clearly turned your wife into a fee for sex marriage... you have money and she has the booty and she better give it up. You are unhealthy ... it's sad actually. I have empathy for your wife and future lovers.

What planet do you live on... there is a "woman's viagra" pill... there is also a pill that kills the sex life ... it's call "the pill" ... educated yourself

good luck with your very uneducated and rigid view on marriage... your step children are bound to love you.

I can reliably and easily o. When I have a strong intimate connection with my husband. Otherwise ...not as easy.

I can as long as a toddler is not knocking on the door.

Which happened all the time for 8 years.

So many things f up married sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At what point do you continue to blame the man (who, for her, might suck in bed) if the woman who obviously KNOWS that he sucks in bed (for her) but STILL she goes ahead and marries him?

Better for both of them to find a compatible partner. Maybe he really does suck in bed and there is no partner for him. Or maybe one woman's version of "he suck in bed" is actually good sex.

But in no case should a couple EVER marry where the woman believes "he sucks in bed". So I just don't see how this can be such a popular justistification for her libido loss.

I think sex changes after marriage. It goes from lying in bed for hours watching bad tv with lots of affection and eventual sex.

To

We have 20 minutes before nap time is over can you quickly, easily get the job done.

Also the 20 yo body with no artificial hormones can o easily but the pill, SSRIs, fatigue, etc can affect the woman's ability to easily and predictably have an O.

Many men will be like... I didn't change you did so you fix it.
Good, caring and loving partners will read, experiment and gently find new ways to satisfy their partners. (Adaptable marriages)
Sometime both partners are at a loss, embarrassed to go to a somebody to learn to have sex... It should be natural right?

You realize there are some people that still don't have vibrators are too grossed out to have sex during their period, etc... There is a lot of people that have not evolved sexually.

[Anonymous]

Veered way off subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. My wife and I both feel like we have a great marriage. I would rate sex first. Without it, I just don't feel connected to her. Normal conversations seem to turn to arguments more often for some reaon (even after just a week or so without). With sex I feel much more connected, in love, conversational and just overall wanting to invest more in the relationship. With really good sex I feel like I'm dating the hottest girl in the world.

I don't consciously decide to not feel connected - I even recognize it when I don't. When I try to force myself to feel the connection it doesn't work. I think that good regular sex is just part of the bonding process.

Conversation is important for her to feel connected so I make sure that I spend time every day talking to her without interruption (no TV, phones, etc).

My DH is 42 and have very little interest in sex or intimacy and I'm the opposite. Very disappointing at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what point do you continue to blame the man (who, for her, might suck in bed) if the woman who obviously KNOWS that he sucks in bed (for her) but STILL she goes ahead and marries him?

Better for both of them to find a compatible partner. Maybe he really does suck in bed and there is no partner for him. Or maybe one woman's version of "he suck in bed" is actually good sex.

But in no case should a couple EVER marry where the woman believes "he sucks in bed". So I just don't see how this can be such a popular justistification for her libido loss.

I think sex changes after marriage. It goes from lying in bed for hours watching bad tv with lots of affection and eventual sex.

To

We have 20 minutes before nap time is over can you quickly, easily get the job done.

Also the 20 yo body with no artificial hormones can o easily but the pill, SSRIs, fatigue, etc can affect the woman's ability to easily and predictably have an O.

Many men will be like... I didn't change you did so you fix it.
Good, caring and loving partners will read, experiment and gently find new ways to satisfy their partners. (Adaptable marriages)
Sometime both partners are at a loss, embarrassed to go to a somebody to learn to have sex... It should be natural right?

You realize there are some people that still don't have vibrators are too grossed out to have sex during their period, etc... There is a lot of people that have not evolved sexually.

But this doesn't sound like a case of "he sucks in bed"
It sounds like mostly a communication problem. And unless the man is flat out ignoring his partner's clear/specific direction on what she now needs, I am going to have to start by blaming the woman. If your sexual response has changed, then you need to TELL HIM what is going on and WHAT you now need.

Don't claim you have libido problem, or go shopping for female viagra, when actually your sexual needs have changed and sex is now unsatisfying. Buy toys, train him in what your needs have become. And refuse to have sex if he's not willing to adopt to your needs.

But don't blame it on "he sucks in bed"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what point do you continue to blame the man (who, for her, might suck in bed) if the woman who obviously KNOWS that he sucks in bed (for her) but STILL she goes ahead and marries him?

Better for both of them to find a compatible partner. Maybe he really does suck in bed and there is no partner for him. Or maybe one woman's version of "he suck in bed" is actually good sex.

But in no case should a couple EVER marry where the woman believes "he sucks in bed". So I just don't see how this can be such a popular justistification for her libido loss.

I think sex changes after marriage. It goes from lying in bed for hours watching bad tv with lots of affection and eventual sex.

To

We have 20 minutes before nap time is over can you quickly, easily get the job done.

Also the 20 yo body with no artificial hormones can o easily but the pill, SSRIs, fatigue, etc can affect the woman's ability to easily and predictably have an O.

Many men will be like... I didn't change you did so you fix it.
Good, caring and loving partners will read, experiment and gently find new ways to satisfy their partners. (Adaptable marriages)
Sometime both partners are at a loss, embarrassed to go to a somebody to learn to have sex... It should be natural right?

You realize there are some people that still don't have vibrators are too grossed out to have sex during their period, etc... There is a lot of people that have not evolved sexually.

Guy here with a few young kids and a very active married sex life, and I totally agree with this, esp. the bolded part. It takes both wanting to make it work for the other, and not blaming or shaming the other. But that pretty goes for most things in marriage - not just sex. You can't keep score and have a happy marriage.