Intimacy vs sex-- which is more important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel no connection without sex. If I'm not getting regular sex or my wife goes long bouts of not wanting sex I withdraw emotionally. Kind of counter-productive but I can't help the way I feel.

38 year old male

Yup. For men, intimacy results from sex (doesn't have to result, but won't result without it). Take away the sex, the intimacy evaporates.

For women, sex results from intimacy. Take away the intimacy, the sex evaporates.

This, x1000. The core difference between men and women in terms of sex. But once the sex evaporates, it is likely to materialize elsewhere for one, the other, or both.

Take away sex and intimacy dies.

Not really, not if you study human sexuality.

Men are socialized to believe they are manly if they obtain sex when they want it. When they don't they get frustrated, feel used and start to feel emasculated.

They don't understand their emotions but they were socialize that anger is the only emotion that is "okay" for men to express. It comes out as being passive aggressive ... like not filling up the tank, not holding their wife's hand, watching sports instead of talking to their wife.

Women are in tune to emotions, when the "gas does not get filled up" they sense their H is angry and they are socialized to "smooth things out" so they have sex.

The marriage turns into a fee for service sexual game and then real intimacy dies... the one that has not connection to sex.

Bullshit. Men are socialized to believe that they only get sex if they gain female approval. When they don't get female approval, they try ramping up the gifts, "choreplay" and other supplications, and then can't figure out why her vagina seems dryer than ever.

If women were actually "in tune to emotions" then they'd realize exactly what is being said here -- if you want emotional intimacy from a man, give him more sex.

NP here. I have been offering sex to my DH for days ! He's like a funny roommate. He is very comfortable in our 19 years relationship. Low sex drive last few years for him. 2x month would be fine for him.

[Anonymous]

PP sorry you had some unfortunate luck to be paired with a relatively rare low drive male.

What exactly does he say when you "offer" ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what point do you continue to blame the man (who, for her, might suck in bed) if the woman who obviously KNOWS that he sucks in bed (for her) but STILL she goes ahead and marries him?

Better for both of them to find a compatible partner. Maybe he really does suck in bed and there is no partner for him. Or maybe one woman's version of "he suck in bed" is actually good sex.

But in no case should a couple EVER marry where the woman believes "he sucks in bed". So I just don't see how this can be such a popular justistification for her libido loss.

I think sex changes after marriage. It goes from lying in bed for hours watching bad tv with lots of affection and eventual sex.

To

We have 20 minutes before nap time is over can you quickly, easily get the job done.

Also the 20 yo body with no artificial hormones can o easily but the pill, SSRIs, fatigue, etc can affect the woman's ability to easily and predictably have an O.

Many men will be like... I didn't change you did so you fix it.
Good, caring and loving partners will read, experiment and gently find new ways to satisfy their partners. (Adaptable marriages)
Sometime both partners are at a loss, embarrassed to go to a somebody to learn to have sex... It should be natural right?

You realize there are some people that still don't have vibrators are too grossed out to have sex during their period, etc... There is a lot of people that have not evolved sexually.

But this doesn't sound like a case of "he sucks in bed"
It sounds like mostly a communication problem. And unless the man is flat out ignoring his partner's clear/specific direction on what she now needs, I am going to have to start by blaming the woman. If your sexual response has changed, then you need to TELL HIM what is going on and WHAT you now need.

Don't claim you have libido problem, or go shopping for female viagra, when actually your sexual needs have changed and sex is now unsatisfying. Buy toys, train him in what your needs have become. And refuse to have sex if he's not willing to adopt to your needs.

But don't blame it on "he sucks in bed"

It's not intuitive. Your body changes and you don't know... You could figure it out by mastrabating... But the H find out you are not having sex with him but mastrabating alone and he gets pissed.

So few women mastrabating after marriage, men act as if it is cheating.

Women lose a lot of their sexual autonomy in a marriage. They have to figure it out as a couple, and some time women can't communicate their needs and some times men's ego is too big to listen.

[Anonymous]

Male here. Sex is more important than intimacy but they are tough to separate. I can have sex without intimacy but I can't have intimacy without sex.

[Anonymous]

I love this topiic.

It seems that lotts of men aren't getting sex, though (see last 300 posts), and are still married to their wives. Seem to be doing fine. They don't fall in love with their APs who are giving them the one thing men seem to say they need (see last 300 posts). So there is more at play here. Men need/want sex but it isn't worth giving anything else up for.

[Anonymous]

I have sex without intimacy (with wife) right now, and it isn't the best.. I had intimacy and sex for a while (with ap), and that was amazing. Don't know how to get that back, though, with spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this topiic.

It seems that lotts of men aren't getting sex, though (see last 300 posts), and are still married to their wives. Seem to be doing fine. They don't fall in love with their APs who are giving them the one thing men seem to say they need (see last 300 posts). So there is more at play here. Men need/want sex but it isn't worth giving anything else up for.

Not if you can have the best of both worlds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this topiic.

It seems that lotts of men aren't getting sex, though (see last 300 posts), and are still married to their wives. Seem to be doing fine. They don't fall in love with their APs who are giving them the one thing men seem to say they need (see last 300 posts). So there is more at play here. Men need/want sex but it isn't worth giving anything else up for.

Not if you can have the best of both worlds.

I don't think it is the best of both worlds. I think most guys would rather have good sex with their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this topiic.

It seems that lotts of men aren't getting sex, though (see last 300 posts), and are still married to their wives. Seem to be doing fine. They don't fall in love with their APs who are giving them the one thing men seem to say they need (see last 300 posts). So there is more at play here. Men need/want sex but it isn't worth giving anything else up for.

Not if you can have the best of both worlds.

I don't think it is the best of both worlds. I think most guys would rather have good sex with their wives.

I have to agree with that. They'll take the additional sex, but they really want to be legit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this topiic.

It seems that lotts of men aren't getting sex, though (see last 300 posts), and are still married to their wives. Seem to be doing fine. They don't fall in love with their APs who are giving them the one thing men seem to say they need (see last 300 posts). So there is more at play here. Men need/want sex but it isn't worth giving anything else up for.

Not if you can have the best of both worlds.

I don't think it is the best of both worlds. I think most guys would rather have good sex with their wives.

DH here: this is absolutely true. The issue is what do you do when it become clear that that isn't an option. No good choices left at that point.

[Anonymous]

DW here....and neither. You want a balance of both!

There've been times in our relationship that's been more have on sex which naturally created more intimacy. But we've also gone through dry spells and relied on the other forms of intimacy.

[Anonymous]

That's not being crazy.
I loved how my husband and I were able to do all those things without sex. It made our relationship strong. I trusted him more knowing that he wasn't just interested in sex but in getting to know me and just being my company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this topiic.

It seems that lotts of men aren't getting sex, though (see last 300 posts), and are still married to their wives. Seem to be doing fine. They don't fall in love with their APs who are giving them the one thing men seem to say they need (see last 300 posts). So there is more at play here. Men need/want sex but it isn't worth giving anything else up for.

Men realize they have more to lose. I want intimacy with my wife but she would rather watch stupid reality shows or decorate the house. Is losing access to my kids, my home and half my assets worth that blonde piece of ass I'm railing twice a week? Nope. She's a nice looking young woman, but too young for serious consideration as a life partner and when I calculate what I lose, she's not worth it.