So annoyed about destination event

[Anonymous]

OP tell your brother that you are horrified that he would expect you to leave such a huge carbon footprint for the sake of his status-symbol Bar Mitzvah "event."

#SaveThePlanet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well since you fully admit that you are prepared to travel extensively and expensively again for your own pleasure, I can see why any financial and health excuses will sound like blatent lies. So just be honest that you don't want to go. Explain that it's not because you don't support the event but that you have hesitations for political, religious and group travel reasons. Tell him that you can't help it if he judges you accordingly but that you have to be honest and do what works for you. And then just be big enough to own your decision and the consequences of it - whatever they may be. You can't control people's opinions, just your reaction to them. He may be hurt and you have to see his side just as much as your own. Remind him again that you love and support your nephew/niece (it was a nephew at first but it seems to have morphed into a niece later so I'm not sure where the post derailed and which it really is) and are happy he/she is getting the opportunity to celebrate in a place so meaningful to him/her.

This.

[Anonymous]

You can always say you'd love to attend but you have to have vaginal surgery that weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can always say you'd love to attend but you have to have vaginal surgery that weekend.

OP here.... I was trying not to respond again, because even though there are some eloquent responses, I don't have anything new enough to say to justify bumping my own post again...

However, you have just won the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of saying no to things I don't want to do. The end. But I have to wonder if the long and expensive vacations you've taken were also long flights? If so you can't use/ and shouldn't use flight anxiety as a a reason to not go.

OP here. I've really enjoyed reading all the responses. It has definitely helped clarify my thinking.

At the end of the day, I really can't give one excellent excuse as to why we are not going on the full tour. Because, in reality, we will almost certainly take one more family vacation that is as long, as expensive, and involves flying. But, you know what, I know myself and my immediate family well enough to know that a group travel experience to Israel would be a completely miserable experience. It is honestly the perfect storm of politics, religion, and group travel dynamics that have made for some pretty spectacular disasters over the last decade. And, I'm just going to own that I'm not willing to spend that amount of financial, temporal, or emotional resources on a miserable experience. I am willing to spend the resources necessary to attend the main event. And, if that calculus seems crazy to even a reasonable outsider it's still what works for our family.

Question - why does this have to be at one or the other extreme? The Bat Mitzvah is obviously really significant, but the 'Tour Of Israel' part is really just a (culturally relevant) extended family vacation.

If it would be meaningful to have your whole family there why not bring everyone to the event and then go off for your own family vacation, either in Israel or taking a flight to somewhere you want to go that's on the way home? Basically use the Bat Mitzvah and 2 days as a way to get you all to the event, then go off and do your own vacation in Austria or Moroco or Iceland or wherever it is you all want to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always say you'd love to attend but you have to have vaginal surgery that weekend.

OP here.... I was trying not to respond again, because even though there are some eloquent responses, I don't have anything new enough to say to justify bumping my own post again...

However, you have just won the thread.

Thanks. It's my "go to."

[Anonymous]

This is so bizarre to me, as someone who can only afford to travel overseas because I go frequently for business, and therefore don't pay.

Is it common to insist this many family members shell out $5000 per person for airfare alone?

[Anonymous]

I heard his once and I try to use it in my own life. "If the answer in your head is not 'hell yes!' then say no."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those comments your brother made would seal the deal on me not attending. I can't stand to reward behavior like your brother's. And I'd just prep your daughter for the boycott in advance.

+1. A sibling who is willing to use your religion in an effort to blackmail you is definitely not worth enduring hours of flight anxiety for. Nope. I'd plan on watching the video with your nephew when it's all over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, my brother's family has decided to hold my nephews Bar Mitzvah in Israel. They will be paying for a 3 day tour package for every guest. Airfare and any extended tour is up to the guests to manage. According to my brother, the grandparents, only other uncle, and a handful of other relatives are excited and thrilled to attend.

We are not. I could list about a half dozen reasons, but, at the end of the day, my family of four is not taking a vacation to Israel. So, basically, it's about me flying there solely for a 2 hour ceremony. One of the multiple reasons we are not going is I have severe flight anxiety, so basically this is not fun, it's actually rather horrifying, and I'd rather do the trip as quickly as possible and without my children. (This is not, by far, the only reason, but it's the only reason still in play if I alone go just for the ceremony)

My brother told me straight out that our family's not attending would be a big statement about both our relationship and my commitment to Judism. Basically, because we have taken long, expensive vacations in the past, we have no excuse for not doing this one. I find off of this extremely insulting. I'm still getting massive grief about just going for two days.

Honestly, I'd just blow the whole thing off if it weren't for the fact that my daughters Bat Mitzbah is 18 months later, and it would break her hear and mine if there were any tit for tat boycotting. However, the fact that if having family there is a priority, it would make sense not to make it hundreds of miles away from family.

This would seal my decision not to attend. He doesn't get to decide or make judgments about how you spend your money or your commitment to your religion.

I am not Jewish but my children and I have been to many Bar Mitzvahs. Large events with family and MANY friends of the young teen. Wonderful memories in the young teen's life and community of family and friends. How many other kids does the brother have? It sounds to me like he is being cheap and trying to combine a vacation to Israel with his son's ceremony.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go after what your brother said. It would sour the whole experience. Not going to suffer anxiety and pay tons of money because of emotional blackmail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is trying to make his child's event the center of the family's life for a week. Longer if you consider that it will preclude people from taking family vacations that are *not* about this cousin / nephew that year. Demandimg upwards of $3,000-$4,000 and intercontinental travel for a kid's life cycle event is over the top. It sends a terrible message to the child himself that everyone is supposed to drop everything because he learned a Torah portion and hit puberty.

There's no way you could ask family members to do something like this for more than one child, which means your brother threw down a marker that his kid is the big-deal kid.

This isn't required religiously. All that's required is the reading before a congregation.

If they want to make this into a special trip for their family that's fine and lovely for them, but telling other people to go is beyond the pale.

If he and his family refuse to attend your local, more convenient bat mitzvah because you didn't buy fOur plane tickets and fly 14 hours each way for their destination event, then that's on him and he needs a good talking to. I'm sure his rabbi would disapprove.

Do what you want and hold your head high. You could have trees planted in Israel to commemorate the occasion and send the boy the traditional card and check.

Don't waste a moment feeling guilty he failed to bully your family into makIng the world revolve around his event.

+1 to ALL of this. OP, I don't think you our your family should feel obligated to go if you don't want to. Skip the trip, give your nephew a card, a check, congratulations and a hug when they all get home. There is no reason you should feel obligated to go on this trip.

+2 The brother is being a bully as only a brother can be --anyone else and you would call BS and decline immediately.
What amazes me about this plan is how the bro make everyone else pay for his DD bat mitzvah. What balls. Then he pays for the few people that can make it and has himself a "very meaningful and pious" trip to Israel with a few friends. What a jerk! it makes me sad the OP feels that the only excuse is "vaginal surgery"

[Anonymous]

The cheapest people I know do the "mizvah in Israel route" make others pay instead of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can't you get meds for flying? My grandma used to take valium.

OP here. I can and I do! As well as a ton of other techniques. So I can manage to get on the plane. It's just an awful experience. It's worth it to be at my neices Bat Mitzvah. The vacation aspect is a totally different calculus.

I haven't read the entire thread, but OP I also have severe, a SEVERE flight anxiety. I lived in Pentagon Row above the HT on 9/11, I've never been the same. I went into CBT over it and have a 1mg Xanax prescription for it. My therapist recorded a meditation exercise I listen to during take off, it has really helped. I take the Xanax about an hour before my flight, and then maybe a second one while in flight depending in the length. I know your brother sounds like he is being a jerk,,but you should seriously consider going. Sometimes keeping the family peace worth the trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would, er, boycott this trip.

Very bad (and hilarious)!