So annoyed about destination event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is trying to make his child's event the center of the family's life for a week. Longer if you consider that it will preclude people from taking family vacations that are *not* about this cousin / nephew that year. Demandimg upwards of $3,000-$4,000 and intercontinental travel for a kid's life cycle event is over the top. It sends a terrible message to the child himself that everyone is supposed to drop everything because he learned a Torah portion and hit puberty.

There's no way you could ask family members to do something like this for more than one child, which means your brother threw down a marker that his kid is the big-deal kid.

This isn't required religiously. All that's required is the reading before a congregation.

If they want to make this into a special trip for their family that's fine and lovely for them, but telling other people to go is beyond the pale.

If he and his family refuse to attend your local, more convenient bat mitzvah because you didn't buy fOur plane tickets and fly 14 hours each way for their destination event, then that's on him and he needs a good talking to. I'm sure his rabbi would disapprove.

Do what you want and hold your head high. You could have trees planted in Israel to commemorate the occasion and send the boy the traditional card and check.

Don't waste a moment feeling guilty he failed to bully your family into makIng the world revolve around his event.

+1 to ALL of this. OP, I don't think you our your family should feel obligated to go if you don't want to. Skip the trip, give your nephew a card, a check, congratulations and a hug when they all get home. There is no reason you should feel obligated to go on this trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is trying to make his child's event the center of the family's life for a week. Longer if you consider that it will preclude people from taking family vacations that are *not* about this cousin / nephew that year. Demandimg upwards of $3,000-$4,000 and intercontinental travel for a kid's life cycle event is over the top. It sends a terrible message to the child himself that everyone is supposed to drop everything because he learned a Torah portion and hit puberty.

There's no way you could ask family members to do something like this for more than one child, which means your brother threw down a marker that his kid is the big-deal kid.

This isn't required religiously. All that's required is the reading before a congregation.

If they want to make this into a special trip for their family that's fine and lovely for them, but telling other people to go is beyond the pale.

If he and his family refuse to attend your local, more convenient bat mitzvah because you didn't buy fOur plane tickets and fly 14 hours each way for their destination event, then that's on him and he needs a good talking to. I'm sure his rabbi would disapprove.

Do what you want and hold your head high. You could have trees planted in Israel to commemorate the occasion and send the boy the traditional card and check.

Don't waste a moment feeling guilty he failed to bully your family into makIng the world revolve around his event.

+1 to ALL of this. OP, I don't think you our your family should feel obligated to go if you don't want to. Skip the trip, give your nephew a card, a check, congratulations and a hug when they all get home. There is no reason you should feel obligated to go on this trip.

PP here again. I should add that I come from a big, loving, local (and Jewish) family, and I get pressured into going to more local events and family get-togethers than I might ideally choose. But I go because I love my family and they are, as you said earlier, my haven. So I get where you are coming from. But I would be PISSED if one of my siblings tried to pull something like this, and I would hope I would put my foot down and say no.

[Anonymous]

"Family is close" may not mean it's emotionally healthy. Op, may have trouble seeing it. It should not continue to the next generation if "this closeness" is based on emotional manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I totally think it's shitty of him to plan this.

But, if you're well off enough to afford it (and sound like you are), I am also in the minority that you should go. I'm a go along to get along kind of person.

The entire rest of the family is going, and you say your family is close. And you say it's a meaningful destination for them. So I think your nuclear family should all go.

I think this is what you need to decide... You'll experience many things in life where someone is in the wrong or doing something you have a problem with. How important is it for you to maintain these relationships in light of whatever it is? In this case the trip seems like a major inconvenience and plain wrong. However, if you don't go it may cause a rift for years if not for the next generation. However, you may not care. I can't imagine this is the only time your brother has acted like this. You can be "right" and not go and politely explain why but you also have to understand the consequences.

My father is the type who wants to please everyone. People love him and he has many friends. But often times I think he lets people walk all over him or he simply ignores egregious behavior. He must want to have friends more than he wants to limit or end a friendship over some of the things his friends do.

I personally wouldn't go because my own kids and wellbeing would come first. However, I have a few close friends and mostly go on double dates with other couples. I tend to concentrate on my career and my husband. In other words, I'm not trying to win a popularity contest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my brother's family has decided to hold my nephews Bar Mitzvah in Israel. They will be paying for a 3 day tour package for every guest. Airfare and any extended tour is up to the guests to manage. According to my brother, the grandparents, only other uncle, and a handful of other relatives are excited and thrilled to attend.

We are not. I could list about a half dozen reasons, but, at the end of the day, my family of four is not taking a vacation to Israel. So, basically, it's about me flying there solely for a 2 hour ceremony. One of the multiple reasons we are not going is I have severe flight anxiety, so basically this is not fun, it's actually rather horrifying, and I'd rather do the trip as quickly as possible and without my children. (This is not, by far, the only reason, but it's the only reason still in play if I alone go just for the ceremony)

My brother told me straight out that our family's not attending would be a big statement about both our relationship and my commitment to Judism. Basically, because we have taken long, expensive vacations in the past, we have no excuse for not doing this one. I find off of this extremely insulting. I'm still getting massive grief about just going for two days.

Honestly, I'd just blow the whole thing off if it weren't for the fact that my daughters Bat Mitzbah is 18 months later, and it would break her hear and mine if there were any tit for tat boycotting. However, the fact that if having family there is a priority, it would make sense not to make it hundreds of miles away from family.

This would seal my decision not to attend. He doesn't get to decide or make judgments about how you spend your money or your commitment to your religion.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that I would skip this event. We skip pretty much all foreign destination weddings because they are ridiculous. That said, I would just say to your brother along the lines of "I'm sure you understand, but we just cannot swing this trip right now" and make it more about the money/time aspect. I would not get into your anxiety about traveling, because honestly that just sounds like you're digging the bottom of the barrel to come up with a million excuses, and lessens the import of the primary issue for you: that you don't want to spend your limited money and time on this particular trip.

[Anonymous]

"Steve, it's a financial burden for me to attend the bat mitzvah in Israel, and it isn't doing my anxiety about flying any good either. But I love you all and I want to be there for Julie's big day, so I'm willing to accept those downsides to be there for the actual event. The thing is, you don't seem to think that's good enough. If my coming for the service isn't going to make you happy, speak up now, because if I show up and you're a grouch, we're all going to end up unhappy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So don't go.

+1.

Simply don't go.

[Anonymous]

RSVP no and send a gift. Your brother is being unreasonable. You can't reason with crazy.

[Anonymous]

You can't reason with crazy

and would solve most of the problems on DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Steve, it's a financial burden for me to attend the bat mitzvah in Israel, and it isn't doing my anxiety about flying any good either. But I love you all and I want to be there for Julie's big day, so I'm willing to accept those downsides to be there for the actual event. The thing is, you don't seem to think that's good enough. If my coming for the service isn't going to make you happy, speak up now, because if I show up and you're a grouch, we're all going to end up unhappy."

This is a great way to start the conversation.

[Anonymous]

OP - I haven't had time to read any of the posts above but for what it's worth we have a family rule: "no destination anythings". The party can go along just fine without us. We're a busy family of four. We just can't drop everything and spend the money to fly anywhere just because a bride and groom have chosen Napa or the beach in Hawaii. It's very inconsiderate of guests so we just don't go.

[Anonymous]

Do not go

[Anonymous]

I'm a big fan of saying no to things I don't want to do. The end. But I have to wonder if the long and expensive vacations you've taken were also long flights? If so you can't use/ and shouldn't use flight anxiety as a a reason to not go.

[Anonymous]

OP said that the last vacation she took that had overseas flights ended up with her needing to go to therapy for the extreme flight anxiety. So she found out that she wasn't able to tolerate it. That's enough reason to give, unless she's planning on future vacations soon that involve overseas flights.

Add that to the fact that she was willing to put herself through that to go for the bat mitzvah itself and stay a short time, but her brother is not satisfied with that and insists that if she doesn't do the full long vacation with the rest of the family, she's not committed to family or her Judaism? That is really outrageous, insulting, and super judgmental of things that are not his business to decide.

If he's not going to be happy with OP if she puts herself through that but doesn't do exactly what he wants, she may as well not go.