My parents don't want to vacation with us

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's interesting to read these responses. Just wanted to clarify a few things:

-If we did vacation with my parents, we would be fully paying our own way. My parents have never offered to pay for anything for me since I was in college. They have not given me a dime since college. They would certainly never pay for our vacation, nor would I ever expect them to.

-We tend to only go on beach trips because we have very young kids and it's an easy vacation that is fun for them. My parents also go on beach trips, however, it's to "fancy" beaches in Mexico, not your average New Jersey beach town. However, since it's just the four of us on vacation, we always stay in a hotel, usually the nicest hotel in the beach town (which just isn't nice enough for my parents' standards). We have never rented a beach house, though that is my dream--to rent a beach house with family for a week. I know that will never happen though, either with my parents or with DH's family.

-My parents have never babysat my kids. They wouldn't be able to, nor have I ever asked them. So they know that babysitting is not an expectation if they were to vacation with us.

-The reason I want to vacation with them is to: a) see them more often than just twice a year, b) have a difference and more fun experience than when they come to our house and stay with us for 5 days, never wanting to do anything outside the house--that is just so boring to me, and c) to make meaningful family memories--and do something different for once other than them sitting on our sofa for 5 days not wanting to do anything.

-Besides the beach town idea, I have also suggested a cruise, vacationing in other locales (such as Florida, Disney, etc.) to my parents. They are not interested in any of those. I am flexible with other suggestions but they only want to do "fancy" travel which is just not possible with our vacation time (one week max) and our budget. Usually their trips are 3-4 weeks long which is just not feasible with our vacation time, budget and two very young kids.

-The idea of going on vacation with friends is appealing, and we have invited friends to vacation with us, but no one has ever been interested. I think that people have their own ideas of how they want to vacation/cost is a big factor, so it's probably just going to be the four of us on vacation. Which is fine, but I feel like it would be nice once in awhile to travel with other people too.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, OP, I have limited time and money, and when I vacation, I really don't want to go with either extended family or friends. That is a lot of togetherness and accommodating other people. I want to have the exact vacation that our immediate family wants, and then see other family and friends on our own turf for more limited time periods when we get back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's interesting to read these responses. Just wanted to clarify a few things:

-If we did vacation with my parents, we would be fully paying our own way. My parents have never offered to pay for anything for me since I was in college. They have not given me a dime since college. They would certainly never pay for our vacation, nor would I ever expect them to.

-We tend to only go on beach trips because we have very young kids and it's an easy vacation that is fun for them. My parents also go on beach trips, however, it's to "fancy" beaches in Mexico, not your average New Jersey beach town. However, since it's just the four of us on vacation, we always stay in a hotel, usually the nicest hotel in the beach town (which just isn't nice enough for my parents' standards). We have never rented a beach house, though that is my dream--to rent a beach house with family for a week. I know that will never happen though, either with my parents or with DH's family.

-My parents have never babysat my kids. They wouldn't be able to, nor have I ever asked them. So they know that babysitting is not an expectation if they were to vacation with us.

-The reason I want to vacation with them is to: a) see them more often than just twice a year, b) have a difference and more fun experience than when they come to our house and stay with us for 5 days, never wanting to do anything outside the house--that is just so boring to me, and c) to make meaningful family memories--and do something different for once other than them sitting on our sofa for 5 days not wanting to do anything.

-Besides the beach town idea, I have also suggested a cruise, vacationing in other locales (such as Florida, Disney, etc.) to my parents. They are not interested in any of those. I am flexible with other suggestions but they only want to do "fancy" travel which is just not possible with our vacation time (one week max) and our budget. Usually their trips are 3-4 weeks long which is just not feasible with our vacation time, budget and two very young kids.

-The idea of going on vacation with friends is appealing, and we have invited friends to vacation with us, but no one has ever been interested. I think that people have their own ideas of how they want to vacation/cost is a big factor, so it's probably just going to be the four of us on vacation. Which is fine, but I feel like it would be nice once in awhile to travel with other people too.

Why can't you join them for one long-weekend leg of their longer vacation? Go to Mexico to a nice resort for four days, they stay longer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP, I have limited time and money, and when I vacation, I really don't want to go with either extended family or friends. That is a lot of togetherness and accommodating other people. I want to have the exact vacation that our immediate family wants, and then see other family and friends on our own turf for more limited time periods when we get back.

OP here. I understand what you're saying but the difference is that they don't have limited time and money. They are retired, vacation frequently, and money is not an issue. So that is part of the reason I feel hurt and rejected by their not wanting to vacation with us ever. I think having family visit you for 5 days in which they don't want to leave the house and in which I am expected to cook and clean for them on top of taking care of my kids, only to get criticized that my housekeeping isn't up to their standards, is a lot of accommodating other people.

[Anonymous]

Can you find out some fancy place they like to go and go there? And invite them to go too?

[Anonymous]

Wow. I"m so glad I have such fond memories of my grandparents, who did "babysit" us for weeks at a time. They actually liked to spend time with us. They didn't view it as "babysitting" but as spending time with their grandparents. And, they still traveled on their own to have their free time.

And, there is a medium between one night all "all week", as you are well aware. But, that would entail a discussion as to what your expectations are with your kids. Sounds rather difficult for you if you're that testy about a week with your grandchildren. You're a sad person.

You have some really high standards for what grandparents should be expected to do with and for their grandkids. If your grandparents wanted to do that, that's cool. My parents get my kids from school two days a week and do fun things with them on weekends once a month or so. Occasionally the kids will stay overnight at their place for fun. But they don't want to watch the kids alone for weeks on end, or go on vacation with us - and that's fine. They raised their own kids and are enjoying their more limited role as grandparents. Obviously different grandparents can make different reasonable choices about what they want their relationship with their families to be, and that is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP, I have limited time and money, and when I vacation, I really don't want to go with either extended family or friends. That is a lot of togetherness and accommodating other people. I want to have the exact vacation that our immediate family wants, and then see other family and friends on our own turf for more limited time periods when we get back.

OP here. I understand what you're saying but the difference is that they don't have limited time and money. They are retired, vacation frequently, and money is not an issue. So that is part of the reason I feel hurt and rejected by their not wanting to vacation with us ever. I think having family visit you for 5 days in which they don't want to leave the house and in which I am expected to cook and clean for them on top of taking care of my kids, only to get criticized that my housekeeping isn't up to their standards, is a lot of accommodating other people.

Then don't do it. Limit their stay to 3days. Plan outings for your family, and if they don't want to join in, fine. Order in, go out for dinner. These are all circumstances you can control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP, I have limited time and money, and when I vacation, I really don't want to go with either extended family or friends. That is a lot of togetherness and accommodating other people. I want to have the exact vacation that our immediate family wants, and then see other family and friends on our own turf for more limited time periods when we get back.

OP here. I understand what you're saying but the difference is that they don't have limited time and money. They are retired, vacation frequently, and money is not an issue. So that is part of the reason I feel hurt and rejected by their not wanting to vacation with us ever. I think having family visit you for 5 days in which they don't want to leave the house and in which I am expected to cook and clean for them on top of taking care of my kids, only to get criticized that my housekeeping isn't up to their standards, is a lot of accommodating other people.

Have you asked them directly why they don't want to do that? Told them you feel rejected? What did they say?

If you haven't done that, you really should. Then you'll know where you stand, whether there is a compromise to be made or if you should just let this idea go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP, I have limited time and money, and when I vacation, I really don't want to go with either extended family or friends. That is a lot of togetherness and accommodating other people. I want to have the exact vacation that our immediate family wants, and then see other family and friends on our own turf for more limited time periods when we get back.

OP here. I understand what you're saying but the difference is that they don't have limited time and money. They are retired, vacation frequently, and money is not an issue. So that is part of the reason I feel hurt and rejected by their not wanting to vacation with us ever. I think having family visit you for 5 days in which they don't want to leave the house and in which I am expected to cook and clean for them on top of taking care of my kids, only to get criticized that my housekeeping isn't up to their standards, is a lot of accommodating other people.

Have you asked them directly why they don't want to do that? Told them you feel rejected? What did they say?

If you haven't done that, you really should. Then you'll know where you stand, whether there is a compromise to be made or if you should just let this idea go.

+1

In any case, I'm sorry OP. I feel for you. What you are describing sounds quiet lousy. I don't think there is anything out of the ordinary with your being disappointed by their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you find out some fancy place they like to go and go there? And invite them to go too?

OP here. Given that our kids are 12 months and 3 years old, we are not interested in spending $$$ and going to fancy places right now. Our inexpensive beach town vacations where we can take a lot of naps, eat kid friendly food and that are within driving distance seem like the best and easiest choice for right now, especially given that we won't have any childcare help on the trip. When they're older, sure, fancy vacations may be more appealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP, I have limited time and money, and when I vacation, I really don't want to go with either extended family or friends. That is a lot of togetherness and accommodating other people. I want to have the exact vacation that our immediate family wants, and then see other family and friends on our own turf for more limited time periods when we get back.

OP here. I understand what you're saying but the difference is that they don't have limited time and money. They are retired, vacation frequently, and money is not an issue. So that is part of the reason I feel hurt and rejected by their not wanting to vacation with us ever. I think having family visit you for 5 days in which they don't want to leave the house and in which I am expected to cook and clean for them on top of taking care of my kids, only to get criticized that my housekeeping isn't up to their standards, is a lot of accommodating other people.

Have you asked them directly why they don't want to do that? Told them you feel rejected? What did they say?

If you haven't done that, you really should. Then you'll know where you stand, whether there is a compromise to be made or if you should just let this idea go.

OP here. When I have asked them why they don't want to vacation with us they don't say anything. They just say they prefer to come and visit us and sit around doing nothing. I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP, I have limited time and money, and when I vacation, I really don't want to go with either extended family or friends. That is a lot of togetherness and accommodating other people. I want to have the exact vacation that our immediate family wants, and then see other family and friends on our own turf for more limited time periods when we get back.

OP here. I understand what you're saying but the difference is that they don't have limited time and money. They are retired, vacation frequently, and money is not an issue. So that is part of the reason I feel hurt and rejected by their not wanting to vacation with us ever. I think having family visit you for 5 days in which they don't want to leave the house and in which I am expected to cook and clean for them on top of taking care of my kids, only to get criticized that my housekeeping isn't up to their standards, is a lot of accommodating other people.

Then don't do it. Limit their stay to 3days. Plan outings for your family, and if they don't want to join in, fine. Order in, go out for dinner. These are all circumstances you can control.

Exactly. Stop letting them dictate everything. If they only want to visit you, fine, but have it be on YOUR TERMS, not theirs.

[Anonymous]

Why not visit them and stay in a hotel near where they live and plan a few nice activities without them and a few with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you find out some fancy place they like to go and go there? And invite them to go too?

OP here. Given that our kids are 12 months and 3 years old, we are not interested in spending $$$ and going to fancy places right now. Our inexpensive beach town vacations where we can take a lot of naps, eat kid friendly food and that are within driving distance seem like the best and easiest choice for right now, especially given that we won't have any childcare help on the trip. When they're older, sure, fancy vacations may be more appealing.

Ding ding ding. Here's the issue.

They only like $$$ places and you don't want to/can't afford to vacation that way now. Which are both valid choices. They don't want to eat kid friendly food, wait around during naps and limit themselves to driving distances.

Good for you not expecting or asking for them to drag your family along at their expense. But you need to let this go for your own sanity.

[Anonymous]

Is there a nice hotel or vacation area within a quick drive from your house? If so - how ideal is that!