I don't respect my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you lost my respect. Seriously are you living in the 50s? Why do yuo expect fulfillment from your husband? you earn 40K, where is YOUR drive? If money is that important to you get to work.

I am a woman, I earn twice what my husbands make (he earns 60K working for a non profit). Financial stability was much more important to me, so even if I also work in development field I chose the slightly less satisfying but better paid job. I know he wouldn't be happy in my shoes.

In exchange, he is a frugal but happy and professionnally fulfilled husband dedicated to his children (he gets home earlier than me). He wondered at some point if he should go work for big law firms and make more money "for us". I said no, I'd rather have a happy husband.

Same situation here. My husband is a teacher in public school. He has a master's degree from an ivy, had great earning potential, but wanted to work with kids, have the stability of an academic calendar, and give back to the community. I, on the other hand, have focused on moving up in my career to fill the financial gap of what is needed to actually survive financially in the DC metro area. I don't make a huge amount of money, but almost double the pittance that a teacher makes.

Sometime I become wistful about being in a relationship with someone with more drive and ambition. But the honorable characteristics of my husband are perfectly suited to his current profession. He's a good and dedicated father and husband. He has respect in his school amongst his peers and his students. He's a stand-up guy. And it means I have to work harder to get my own salary to what makes me comfortable for our HHI. There are always trade offs. You have to decide what you can live with, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only brings in 70K...??!

Are you defining his worth by his monetary value? So only guys who make six figures or more are deemed worthy of respect in your eyes.

No offense, but I think you need to learn a thing or two about the definition of respect.

And it has nothing to do with dollar signs. Or Benjamins....

Men are still quite valued based on how well they can provide. He's a grown up who "graduated with honors" from private colleges. He barely makes an entry level salary. Not exactly a prize this guy.

Nice use of the passive voice. The sentence you're looking for is, "I value men based on how well they can "provide."" ("Provide" of course being code for "give me their money.")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

My DH has a law degree from a top university but chose to work for the government because he wants to be home by 6 and spend time with his family. We have enough $ to be comfortable but will never be wealthy, our home isn't updated, we buy our clothes at Target, etc. But he's all about work-life balance and fortunately we are on the same page with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you lost my respect. Seriously are you living in the 50s? Why do yuo expect fulfillment from your husband? you earn 40K, where is YOUR drive? If money is that important to you get to work.

I am a woman, I earn twice what my husbands make (he earns 60K working for a non profit). Financial stability was much more important to me, so even if I also work in development field I chose the slightly less satisfying but better paid job. I know he wouldn't be happy in my shoes.

In exchange, he is a frugal but happy and professionnally fulfilled husband dedicated to his children (he gets home earlier than me). He wondered at some point if he should go work for big law firms and make more money "for us". I said no, I'd rather have a happy husband.

Same situation here. My husband is a teacher in public school. He has a master's degree from an ivy, had great earning potential, but wanted to work with kids, have the stability of an academic calendar, and give back to the community. I, on the other hand, have focused on moving up in my career to fill the financial gap of what is needed to actually survive financially in the DC metro area. I don't make a huge amount of money, but almost double the pittance that a teacher makes.

Sometime I become wistful about being in a relationship with someone with more drive and ambition. But the honorable characteristics of my husband are perfectly suited to his current profession. He's a good and dedicated father and husband. He has respect in his school amongst his peers and his students. He's a stand-up guy. And it means I have to work harder to get my own salary to what makes me comfortable for our HHI. There are always trade offs. You have to decide what you can live with, OP.

It sounds like he does have drive and ambition, and is following his passion and excelling in his field. Drive and ambition isn't always connected to earning potential. I have enormous respect for teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only brings in 70K...??!

Are you defining his worth by his monetary value? So only guys who make six figures or more are deemed worthy of respect in your eyes.

No offense, but I think you need to learn a thing or two about the definition of respect.

And it has nothing to do with dollar signs. Or Benjamins....

Men are still quite valued based on how well they can provide. He's a grown up who "graduated with honors" from private colleges. He barely makes an entry level salary. Not exactly a prize this guy.

Not by everyone. I value being a dedicated husband and father far more than numbers on a paycheck. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you lost my respect. Seriously are you living in the 50s? Why do yuo expect fulfillment from your husband? you earn 40K, where is YOUR drive? If money is that important to you get to work.

I am a woman, I earn twice what my husbands make (he earns 60K working for a non profit). Financial stability was much more important to me, so even if I also work in development field I chose the slightly less satisfying but better paid job. I know he wouldn't be happy in my shoes.

In exchange, he is a frugal but happy and professionnally fulfilled husband dedicated to his children (he gets home earlier than me). He wondered at some point if he should go work for big law firms and make more money "for us". I said no, I'd rather have a happy husband.

Same situation here. My husband is a teacher in public school. He has a master's degree from an ivy, had great earning potential, but wanted to work with kids, have the stability of an academic calendar, and give back to the community. I, on the other hand, have focused on moving up in my career to fill the financial gap of what is needed to actually survive financially in the DC metro area. I don't make a huge amount of money, but almost double the pittance that a teacher makes.

Sometime I become wistful about being in a relationship with someone with more drive and ambition. But the honorable characteristics of my husband are perfectly suited to his current profession. He's a good and dedicated father and husband. He has respect in his school amongst his peers and his students. He's a stand-up guy. And it means I have to work harder to get my own salary to what makes me comfortable for our HHI. There are always trade offs. You have to decide what you can live with, OP.

Op here. I understand what you mean. I love my dh. What has always attracted me to him was that he was erudite and a really good guy with a good head on his shoulders. He is incredibly intelligent and kind and generous and works vet very hard in his jobs as he did in his schooling. It's that he never factored in how to maximize his earning potential in the field he chooses to work in. He works in private intelligence and excels at it. And is only bring in $70 at 26 years old. Upon graduation he could've gotten into much more lucrative fields and he just didn't even try. All the while he also says that he wants to earn more so that I can stay home when we have children in about 5 years. We'll see I guess. As others have said, I'll have to up my game.

Men don't realize how much it stresses women out when they opt out of their role as the money maker. We then have to deal with being the primary child care provider AND earning $$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

That's what I mean. He's graduated from really well respected private schools. He was groomed to do so much more.

Well, he's wasted his time and money on a bunch of nonsense private schools. He probably has wealthy parents and doesn't know the meaning of working hard and getting ahead. That's what happens when life is handed to you.

what a turn off.

To clarify then, you are defining success completely in monetary terms. And he graduated with honors, yet doesn't know the meaning of hard work?

Honestly, you sound petty and jealous.

We are talking about monetary success and not bloviating on the transcendental.

Jealous? Of what exactly? The 70K salary? Or the distinguished degrees from Bucknell and Tulane?

Jealous of the fact that it's possible to have wealthy parents, work hard, and land in a job that's comfortable and family-friendly. Then again, if you have a wife like OP, there's probably not much to hurry home to.

Guess what else is possiblr? work hard and land a job that pays 3xs what the OP makes and is family friendly. I'm not jealous of the OP'S DH. I'd be depressed if I had two expensive degrees and still hadn't managed to man up and bring home a good DC paycheck.

serious question: what family friendly job earns $210k with just a little hard work?

Being a trust fund baby.

Someone already answered.

I can also say that my DH makes great money primarily working from home except whrn visiting a client. He coaches our kids teams, walks the kids to school each morning, does laundry during the day, and is out of his office most days by 4pm. He's in IT and bills out as a consultant at $250/hr. I know he grossed 310k last year so that means he billed out around 1240hrs. If you blend that against 52 weeks a year, he's looking at working 24hrs a week. In reality he took 4 weeks of vacation. So he works some weeks 50hrs and some 15.

I work for the public schools 9 months a year in order to carry health insurance.

A few questions: how did he get into the field and find clients?

Not every hour is billed; there is overhead, proposal writing, business development, probably training to as IT always evolving? How many hours for that, maybe avg 10 a week? Is 310k gross after all expenses but before taxes or does some business expense come out of that?

It's sounds nice, I expect he worked hard for a decade or so building up the skill and reputation to enjoy this phase of his career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you lost my respect. Seriously are you living in the 50s? Why do yuo expect fulfillment from your husband? you earn 40K, where is YOUR drive? If money is that important to you get to work.

I am a woman, I earn twice what my husbands make (he earns 60K working for a non profit). Financial stability was much more important to me, so even if I also work in development field I chose the slightly less satisfying but better paid job. I know he wouldn't be happy in my shoes.

In exchange, he is a frugal but happy and professionnally fulfilled husband dedicated to his children (he gets home earlier than me). He wondered at some point if he should go work for big law firms and make more money "for us". I said no, I'd rather have a happy husband.

Same situation here. My husband is a teacher in public school. He has a master's degree from an ivy, had great earning potential, but wanted to work with kids, have the stability of an academic calendar, and give back to the community. I, on the other hand, have focused on moving up in my career to fill the financial gap of what is needed to actually survive financially in the DC metro area. I don't make a huge amount of money, but almost double the pittance that a teacher makes.

Sometime I become wistful about being in a relationship with someone with more drive and ambition. But the honorable characteristics of my husband are perfectly suited to his current profession. He's a good and dedicated father and husband. He has respect in his school amongst his peers and his students. He's a stand-up guy. And it means I have to work harder to get my own salary to what makes me comfortable for our HHI. There are always trade offs. You have to decide what you can live with, OP.

Op here. I understand what you mean. I love my dh. What has always attracted me to him was that he was erudite and a really good guy with a good head on his shoulders. He is incredibly intelligent and kind and generous and works vet very hard in his jobs as he did in his schooling. It's that he never factored in how to maximize his earning potential in the field he chooses to work in. He works in private intelligence and excels at it. And is only bring in $70 at 26 years old. Upon graduation he could've gotten into much more lucrative fields and he just didn't even try. All the while he also says that he wants to earn more so that I can stay home when we have children in about 5 years. We'll see I guess. As others have said, I'll have to up my game.

Men don't realize how much it stresses women out when they opt out of their role as the money maker. We then have to deal with being the primary child care provider AND earning $$$.

6:51 poster here, my husband makes what your husband makes after 15 years as a school teacher. DC is a weird place where if you're not making 6 figures by 25 years old you feel like a "failure." Well, reality check, a lot of those cops, firemen, teachers, clerks are not pulling in that kind of cash despite hard work and a good education. Honestly, you'll have to make your peace with it or go to counseling. The resentment of being expected to be the primary breadwinner if that wasn't your original expectation will destroy your marriage. I do much less of the child care work because I gave traded flexibility for a better income. Our financial security is where my focus has to be for my own peace of mind. My husband is an awesome dad, so it makes sense for him to put his energy toward our child. Good luck. Again, counseling! Try to make it work and if in the end you discover you have different goals and incongruent visions for your future, then you'll have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only brings in 70K...??!

Are you defining his worth by his monetary value? So only guys who make six figures or more are deemed worthy of respect in your eyes.

No offense, but I think you need to learn a thing or two about the definition of respect.

And it has nothing to do with dollar signs. Or Benjamins....

Men are still quite valued based on how well they can provide. He's a grown up who "graduated with honors" from private colleges. He barely makes an entry level salary. Not exactly a prize this guy.

Nice use of the passive voice. The sentence you're looking for is, "I value men based on how well they can "provide."" ("Provide" of course being code for "give me their money.")

are you new to planet earth?

Plus I make a litthe more than my DH. however, a man who collects degrees and still can only make an entry level salary is not a prize.

[Anonymous]

This is so typical after a few years:

Women: I love you, now I want you to be different.

Men: I love you, why are you being different.

Men marry the girl who wants to make love all day Sunday and five times during the week, when that changes we go out of our fucking minds.
Women marry the guy they see fitting their needs long-term or at least what they think they can mold him into, then become incredulous when it doesn't go their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you lost my respect. Seriously are you living in the 50s? Why do yuo expect fulfillment from your husband? you earn 40K, where is YOUR drive? If money is that important to you get to work.

I am a woman, I earn twice what my husbands make (he earns 60K working for a non profit). Financial stability was much more important to me, so even if I also work in development field I chose the slightly less satisfying but better paid job. I know he wouldn't be happy in my shoes.

In exchange, he is a frugal but happy and professionnally fulfilled husband dedicated to his children (he gets home earlier than me). He wondered at some point if he should go work for big law firms and make more money "for us". I said no, I'd rather have a happy husband.

Same situation here. My husband is a teacher in public school. He has a master's degree from an ivy, had great earning potential, but wanted to work with kids, have the stability of an academic calendar, and give back to the community. I, on the other hand, have focused on moving up in my career to fill the financial gap of what is needed to actually survive financially in the DC metro area. I don't make a huge amount of money, but almost double the pittance that a teacher makes.

Sometime I become wistful about being in a relationship with someone with more drive and ambition. But the honorable characteristics of my husband are perfectly suited to his current profession. He's a good and dedicated father and husband. He has respect in his school amongst his peers and his students. He's a stand-up guy. And it means I have to work harder to get my own salary to what makes me comfortable for our HHI. There are always trade offs. You have to decide what you can live with, OP.

Op here. I understand what you mean. I love my dh. What has always attracted me to him was that he was erudite and a really good guy with a good head on his shoulders. He is incredibly intelligent and kind and generous and works vet very hard in his jobs as he did in his schooling. It's that he never factored in how to maximize his earning potential in the field he chooses to work in. He works in private intelligence and excels at it. And is only bring in $70 at 26 years old. Upon graduation he could've gotten into much more lucrative fields and he just didn't even try. All the while he also says that he wants to earn more so that I can stay home when we have children in about 5 years. We'll see I guess. As others have said, I'll have to up my game.

Men don't realize how much it stresses women out when they opt out of their role as the money maker. We then have to deal with being the primary child care provider AND earning $$$.

He's 26? Get over yourself. I was sympathetic, but now I see you are just another entitled bratty millennial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you lost my respect. Seriously are you living in the 50s? Why do yuo expect fulfillment from your husband? you earn 40K, where is YOUR drive? If money is that important to you get to work.

I am a woman, I earn twice what my husbands make (he earns 60K working for a non profit). Financial stability was much more important to me, so even if I also work in development field I chose the slightly less satisfying but better paid job. I know he wouldn't be happy in my shoes.

In exchange, he is a frugal but happy and professionnally fulfilled husband dedicated to his children (he gets home earlier than me). He wondered at some point if he should go work for big law firms and make more money "for us". I said no, I'd rather have a happy husband.

Same situation here. My husband is a teacher in public school. He has a master's degree from an ivy, had great earning potential, but wanted to work with kids, have the stability of an academic calendar, and give back to the community. I, on the other hand, have focused on moving up in my career to fill the financial gap of what is needed to actually survive financially in the DC metro area. I don't make a huge amount of money, but almost double the pittance that a teacher makes.

Sometime I become wistful about being in a relationship with someone with more drive and ambition. But the honorable characteristics of my husband are perfectly suited to his current profession. He's a good and dedicated father and husband. He has respect in his school amongst his peers and his students. He's a stand-up guy. And it means I have to work harder to get my own salary to what makes me comfortable for our HHI. There are always trade offs. You have to decide what you can live with, OP.

Op here. I understand what you mean. I love my dh. What has always attracted me to him was that he was erudite and a really good guy with a good head on his shoulders. He is incredibly intelligent and kind and generous and works vet very hard in his jobs as he did in his schooling. It's that he never factored in how to maximize his earning potential in the field he chooses to work in. He works in private intelligence and excels at it. And is only bring in $70 at 26 years old. Upon graduation he could've gotten into much more lucrative fields and he just didn't even try. All the while he also says that he wants to earn more so that I can stay home when we have children in about 5 years. We'll see I guess. As others have said, I'll have to up my game.

Men don't realize how much it stresses women out when they opt out of their role as the money maker. We then have to deal with being the primary child care provider AND earning $$$.

He's 26? Get over yourself. I was sympathetic, but now I see you are just another entitled bratty millennial.

I'm confused? There's lots of guys his age that make 80k+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you lost my respect. Seriously are you living in the 50s? Why do yuo expect fulfillment from your husband? you earn 40K, where is YOUR drive? If money is that important to you get to work.

I am a woman, I earn twice what my husbands make (he earns 60K working for a non profit). Financial stability was much more important to me, so even if I also work in development field I chose the slightly less satisfying but better paid job. I know he wouldn't be happy in my shoes.

In exchange, he is a frugal but happy and professionnally fulfilled husband dedicated to his children (he gets home earlier than me). He wondered at some point if he should go work for big law firms and make more money "for us". I said no, I'd rather have a happy husband.

Same situation here. My husband is a teacher in public school. He has a master's degree from an ivy, had great earning potential, but wanted to work with kids, have the stability of an academic calendar, and give back to the community. I, on the other hand, have focused on moving up in my career to fill the financial gap of what is needed to actually survive financially in the DC metro area. I don't make a huge amount of money, but almost double the pittance that a teacher makes.

Sometime I become wistful about being in a relationship with someone with more drive and ambition. But the honorable characteristics of my husband are perfectly suited to his current profession. He's a good and dedicated father and husband. He has respect in his school amongst his peers and his students. He's a stand-up guy. And it means I have to work harder to get my own salary to what makes me comfortable for our HHI. There are always trade offs. You have to decide what you can live with, OP.

Op here. I understand what you mean. I love my dh. What has always attracted me to him was that he was erudite and a really good guy with a good head on his shoulders. He is incredibly intelligent and kind and generous and works vet very hard in his jobs as he did in his schooling. It's that he never factored in how to maximize his earning potential in the field he chooses to work in. He works in private intelligence and excels at it. And is only bring in $70 at 26 years old. Upon graduation he could've gotten into much more lucrative fields and he just didn't even try. All the while he also says that he wants to earn more so that I can stay home when we have children in about 5 years. We'll see I guess. As others have said, I'll have to up my game.

Men don't realize how much it stresses women out when they opt out of their role as the money maker. We then have to deal with being the primary child care provider AND earning $$$.

He's 26? Get over yourself. I was sympathetic, but now I see you are just another entitled bratty millennial.

I'm confused? There's lots of guys his age that make 80k+

And there are many more who dont.

Of course you are confused. You were raised to think thr planet revolves around your wants and desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute.....Did OP say she makes $40k...come again now?

Really? You are a piece of work OP. You basically make half of your DH and are complaning? Bahahaha!

That's my favorite part too.

Pretty much sums up my feelings on this as well, particularly since it's been revealed he's only 26. I think you should get a divorce for his sake before you drag him down like an anchor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute.....Did OP say she makes $40k...come again now?

Really? You are a piece of work OP. You basically make half of your DH and are complaning? Bahahaha!

That's my favorite part too.

Pretty much sums up my feelings on this as well, particularly since it's been revealed he's only 26. I think you should get a divorce for his sake before you drag him down like an anchor.

He's 26!?!?!? OMG, that makes this even more hilarious. Poor guy.