Anyone get married at 23? Or around that age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

I had so much adventurous sex in late high school and college that I didn't feel like I was missing much getting married at 24, to be honest. I had had multiple boyfriends prior to DH, as well as one night stands, weird nebulous fuck buddy relationships, hookups, explorations in kink, hooking up online, and I slept with a woman once. I was pretty safe (always used protection) and luckily never got any STDs, and by my early 20s I was pretty ready for monogamy and to stop fucking around.

If monogamy gets boring, DH and I may revisit the notion of opening things up in the future or having an occasional threesome, but so far monogamy works for us, and it hasn't been something either of us desires to explore.

Oh. I spent high school and college getting good grades. I didn't even begin to explore my sexuality until I was about 22. I was in no way ready to settle down before age 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

Honestly, I didn't want to be a mom for the first time in my late 30's

DH again. We definitely loved each other, and we wanted to be married and start a family in a few years. What's the point of waiting?

The point of waiting? Travel all over the world, work long hours when starting my career, dating more people to determine true compatibility while I matured.

Eh. DH and I spent our twenties traveling the world and developing our careers and going out all the time with our friends. We moved several times and live abroad for several years. He's my best friend. We grew up together. We just "click" in that way. We met at 19 in college, married at 23, married for over ten years. I feel extremely lucky, like I hit a grand slam on my first at bat with no clue as to what I was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey.

The child is a greater commitment than the marriage! Totally different ballgame...

+1
You're stuck with this guy in some ways forever now. Eeek.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

A number of reasons:

-Why wait? I found the person I wanted to be with. The pool only gets worse and worse as time goes on
-We did not want to be having babies in our 30s, for financial reasons and for the sake of vanity. Babies hardly phased my body.

In hindsight, we never felt that we needed to keep up with the Joneses. We were 25 and had our first kid. We bought a small shit shack in Arlington (before prices were crazy) and we did not even notice that it was small and out of date, we were so happy to have a home together.

I SAH until I was the old age of 30 when I returned to work. My career never took a hit. Plus we hit the jackpot when it comes to real estate by being so serious when we were young. We are now 45 & 46, one in college, one graduating HS this June. We have friends our age with toddlers and struggling with the cost of housing and living here. We're established in our careers, have a house paid off, and our boys got scolarships which has been an enormous windfall. I feel like we have a whole life in front of us, I'd do it this way a million times over. I have ZERO and I mean ZERO desire to be running after toddlers at my age. The only thing I'm running in are in triathlons.

+1. I totally agree. I love having grown kids in my mid 40's. Would not have it any other way.

+2. For those of you who are chasing little ones in your 40s, more power to you! I would not want to do it. Our oldest just gave us our first grandchild. We have three in college. One high schooler left at home who has one foot out the door. We are 47 and almost empty nesters.

You're 47 and a grandparent? When do you get time to just be you, not a wife or mother or grandmother? I'm finally feeling like myself again, and my youngest is 13, and I'm 49.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

A number of reasons:

-Why wait? I found the person I wanted to be with. The pool only gets worse and worse as time goes on
-We did not want to be having babies in our 30s, for financial reasons and for the sake of vanity. Babies hardly phased my body.

In hindsight, we never felt that we needed to keep up with the Joneses. We were 25 and had our first kid. We bought a small shit shack in Arlington (before prices were crazy) and we did not even notice that it was small and out of date, we were so happy to have a home together.

I SAH until I was the old age of 30 when I returned to work. My career never took a hit. Plus we hit the jackpot when it comes to real estate by being so serious when we were young. We are now 45 & 46, one in college, one graduating HS this June. We have friends our age with toddlers and struggling with the cost of housing and living here. We're established in our careers, have a house paid off, and our boys got scolarships which has been an enormous windfall. I feel like we have a whole life in front of us, I'd do it this way a million times over. I have ZERO and I mean ZERO desire to be running after toddlers at my age. The only thing I'm running in are in triathlons.

+1. I totally agree. I love having grown kids in my mid 40's. Would not have it any other way.

+2 and will love to have grandkids in my late 50s if it turns out that way.

I cannot even fathom what it would be like right now to have small children or even toddlers and then sending my kids to college when I'm rounding 60.

PP--My own parents married at 22 or so. They made it to 50 yrs the yr my dad died.

I was born when my parents were 45/42. My sister was 16yrs older than me and I really did not want to be an older parent. My parents started having health issues the yr I finished HS. They were early 60's at my graduation. I did not remember my own grandparents and I wanted my own kids to know my mom and dad.

There is no way I would want an infant at this age. I admire the women that do it though.

I think having a "young" mom myself influenced me. My mom is 59 and I'm 37 with a 12 & 10yr old. Luckily my parents are active and healthy and semi retired at this point. They are also local and have been an enormous part of my kids lives. Grandparents can be such a positive force in kids lives And my parents are no exception. You are smart to recognize that grandparents play an important role.

Grandparents weren't important to me and wanting my ILs or my parents to be grandparents would never have influenced the timing of my childbearing. If I was from a close family, it might be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey.

The child is a greater commitment than the marriage! Totally different ballgame...

OP here. So what are your thoughts now that you know we have a child?

NP, but my thoughts are that marriage is completely irrelevant in your situation. You are already bound to your child's father for the rest of your life (assuming he stays involved) and you are already responsible for another human being, which is life-altering. Who cares if you get married or not.

I know this won't go over well with the - I'm a 50-year old grandma and it's awesome - theme of this thread but to me getting married young is a separate issue from having kids young. Lots of people meet the person they want to be with very young. Having kids is a whole other thing. Your life changes forever and there is no going back. You will never ever again be young and carefree with no responsibilities in the world and nothing to do but explore the world, yourself, friendships, relationships, life, etc. And no, I personally don't think living the empty nest lifestyle in your 50s is the same thing in the least. But I am ready for everyone to tell me how wrong I am. Rock on 50-something Grandmas.

Honestly my early 20s was full of partying and wasted time. Time wasted sleeping all weekend and taking shitty trips because I only made 50k/yr.

I think it sounds pretty spectacular to be 45, well off and have the time and money to travel, drink nice wine, and have the luxury of a body that was not ravaged by kids in my middle age.

I have a good friend who had her first her freshman year in college. She went on to quickly have 3 more. Same dad. Still married. She managed to finish college though at George Mason over 6 years as she SAH. She's 44 and her and her husband have done really well. They take amazing trips and looking at her body you would never even think she had a baby. She has her whole life ahead of her. she is always somewhere warm and luxurious. Time and money are way better at 45 than 25.

We have lots of time and money in our late 40s, even though we still have teens at home. There are options between popping out a bunch of kids before you're 30, and having one or two in your early to mid 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey.

The child is a greater commitment than the marriage! Totally different ballgame...

OP here. So what are your thoughts now that you know we have a child?

NP, but my thoughts are that marriage is completely irrelevant in your situation. You are already bound to your child's father for the rest of your life (assuming he stays involved) and you are already responsible for another human being, which is life-altering. Who cares if you get married or not.

I know this won't go over well with the - I'm a 50-year old grandma and it's awesome - theme of this thread but to me getting married young is a separate issue from having kids young. Lots of people meet the person they want to be with very young. Having kids is a whole other thing. Your life changes forever and there is no going back. You will never ever again be young and carefree with no responsibilities in the world and nothing to do but explore the world, yourself, friendships, relationships, life, etc. And no, I personally don't think living the empty nest lifestyle in your 50s is the same thing in the least. But I am ready for everyone to tell me how wrong I am. Rock on 50-something Grandmas.

Honestly my early 20s was full of partying and wasted time. Time wasted sleeping all weekend and taking shitty trips because I only made 50k/yr.

I think it sounds pretty spectacular to be 45, well off and have the time and money to travel, drink nice wine, and have the luxury of a body that was not ravaged by kids in my middle age.

I have a good friend who had her first her freshman year in college. She went on to quickly have 3 more. Same dad. Still married. She managed to finish college though at George Mason over 6 years as she SAH. She's 44 and her and her husband have done really well. They take amazing trips and looking at her body you would never even think she had a baby. She has her whole life ahead of her. she is always somewhere warm and luxurious. Time and money are way better at 45 than 25.

We have lots of time and money in our late 40s, even though we still have teens at home. There are options between popping out a bunch of kids before you're 30, and having one or two in your early to mid 40s.

Yep, and they are equally valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

Honestly, I didn't want to be a mom for the first time in my late 30's

DH again. We definitely loved each other, and we wanted to be married and start a family in a few years. What's the point of waiting?

The point of waiting? Travel all over the world, work long hours when starting my career, dating more people to determine true compatibility while I matured.

Eh. DH and I spent our twenties traveling the world and developing our careers and going out all the time with our friends. We moved several times and live abroad for several years. He's my best friend. We grew up together. We just "click" in that way. We met at 19 in college, married at 23, married for over ten years. I feel extremely lucky, like I hit a grand slam on my first at bat with no clue as to what I was doing.

So you've never been alone as an adult? Wild. Do you ever travel, go out or do hobbies without him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey.

The child is a greater commitment than the marriage! Totally different ballgame...

OP here. So what are your thoughts now that you know we have a child?

NP, but my thoughts are that marriage is completely irrelevant in your situation. You are already bound to your child's father for the rest of your life (assuming he stays involved) and you are already responsible for another human being, which is life-altering. Who cares if you get married or not.

I know this won't go over well with the - I'm a 50-year old grandma and it's awesome - theme of this thread but to me getting married young is a separate issue from having kids young. Lots of people meet the person they want to be with very young. Having kids is a whole other thing. Your life changes forever and there is no going back. You will never ever again be young and carefree with no responsibilities in the world and nothing to do but explore the world, yourself, friendships, relationships, life, etc. And no, I personally don't think living the empty nest lifestyle in your 50s is the same thing in the least. But I am ready for everyone to tell me how wrong I am. Rock on 50-something Grandmas.

Honestly my early 20s was full of partying and wasted time. Time wasted sleeping all weekend and taking shitty trips because I only made 50k/yr.

I think it sounds pretty spectacular to be 45, well off and have the time and money to travel, drink nice wine, and have the luxury of a body that was not ravaged by kids in my middle age.

I have a good friend who had her first her freshman year in college. She went on to quickly have 3 more. Same dad. Still married. She managed to finish college though at George Mason over 6 years as she SAH. She's 44 and her and her husband have done really well. They take amazing trips and looking at her body you would never even think she had a baby. She has her whole life ahead of her. she is always somewhere warm and luxurious. Time and money are way better at 45 than 25.

Totally disagree. Things I did in my 20s that were not a waste of time:

Traveled internationally alone, which on some level scared the shit out of me but I did it and it was truly life changing
Moved to an entirely new city for a dream job
Formed friendships that have lasted me decades - I still am close with many of the people from that period of my life

Sure, everything is less luxurious because you're not rich. But that's the beauty of it too. You're young and up for anything. Now I'm old and I want to stay in nice hotels. I really enjoyed having a lifestyle where I had a large group of amazing friends and we all had about the same amount of money and everyone was really just up for any adventure at any time. I wouldn't trade any of that time.

How did you all "travel all over the world" in your 20s? I grew up in a pretty affluent family (went to Sidwell) and when i was in my 20s I was busting my ass 12hrs a day at a job. I was building my career so that I now, at 38 get to work a cushy barely 40hr a week job. Sure, I studied in Spain for a semester and did a few trips with family whrn I was in college and on break. And then I of course did the cheap Caribbean party vacations.

How did you fund this world travel and how did you get so much time off? did none of you work or did you have jobs at unicorn factories that gave you a teachers schedule with an executive package? I have parents that are loaded and they expected me to get a job after spending, probably 600k on my education. No way were they going to fund me running around Paris and Istanbul for years on end. the only reason why I now have 6 weeks vacation Is because of years of service and being in upper management which affords me some nice perks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

A number of reasons:

-Why wait? I found the person I wanted to be with. The pool only gets worse and worse as time goes on
-We did not want to be having babies in our 30s, for financial reasons and for the sake of vanity. Babies hardly phased my body.

In hindsight, we never felt that we needed to keep up with the Joneses. We were 25 and had our first kid. We bought a small shit shack in Arlington (before prices were crazy) and we did not even notice that it was small and out of date, we were so happy to have a home together.

I SAH until I was the old age of 30 when I returned to work. My career never took a hit. Plus we hit the jackpot when it comes to real estate by being so serious when we were young. We are now 45 & 46, one in college, one graduating HS this June. We have friends our age with toddlers and struggling with the cost of housing and living here. We're established in our careers, have a house paid off, and our boys got scolarships which has been an enormous windfall. I feel like we have a whole life in front of us, I'd do it this way a million times over. I have ZERO and I mean ZERO desire to be running after toddlers at my age. The only thing I'm running in are in triathlons.

You're only mid 40s and you've been sleeping with the same guy for more than 20 years? Gee.

Yup. At an average of 3xs a week. I'm also bisexual and am able to express that side of my sexuality. My DH is not only a great life partner, but a great sexual partner. The wonderful thing about growing up together is that there are no secrets and no inhibitions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

You are either into monogamy or not. It has nothing to do with how young you married. Nobody who enjoys varied sex "gets it out of their system" and then gets married. If you like variety, then you like it and if you can't get it because you've forced yourself into a traditional role, then you are going to be pretty miserable. I'm in an open relationship and I can tell you that MOST people who are married, but not monogamous are in their late 30s/early 40s. This is when sex drive for women especially started to fire up and when you got married has no bearing on if you do or don't practice monogamy.

So everyone who marries, young or old, is cool with monogamy? Has that been your experience?

I actually think most people are not cool with monogamy, but everyone has varying degrees as to how much they admit this to themselves or their partner (assuming they still actually have a sex drive). I'm not monogamous. see above post.

As an openly bisexual woman I cannot even tell you how many married women have come onto me presumably wanting to live out their fantasy, behind their husband's back. That's not my thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

Honestly, I didn't want to be a mom for the first time in my late 30's

DH again. We definitely loved each other, and we wanted to be married and start a family in a few years. What's the point of waiting?

The point of waiting? Travel all over the world, work long hours when starting my career, dating more people to determine true compatibility while I matured.

Eh. DH and I spent our twenties traveling the world and developing our careers and going out all the time with our friends. We moved several times and live abroad for several years. He's my best friend. We grew up together. We just "click" in that way. We met at 19 in college, married at 23, married for over ten years. I feel extremely lucky, like I hit a grand slam on my first at bat with no clue as to what I was doing.

So you've never been alone as an adult? Wild. Do you ever travel, go out or do hobbies without him?

Nope! I don't even go to the bathroom without him!
was that a serious question?
Not everyone who gets married young is a co dependent dolt. Not everyone who marries later is haggard and dropping 100k on fertility treatments.

[Anonymous]

OP, between this thread and the other one you posted about engagement rings, it sure seems as if you are overly romanticizing what it means to be married and trying to gather arguments (to use on your boyfriend) to rationalize moving toward marriage at your age. You need to focus on the most stability for your child, whether the two of you are married or not. While I do believe that marriage has a certain undefined "magic" in terms of building the foundation for a family, you already have that. Honestly, you seem very naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the purpose of marrying so young? I'm not a fan of monogamy and I waited until my early 30s to get married. No way could I have married the guy I was dating at 23. Most people mature a lot in their tastes and preferences in their 20s.

Honestly, I didn't want to be a mom for the first time in my late 30's

DH again. We definitely loved each other, and we wanted to be married and start a family in a few years. What's the point of waiting?

The point of waiting? Travel all over the world, work long hours when starting my career, dating more people to determine true compatibility while I matured.

Eh. DH and I spent our twenties traveling the world and developing our careers and going out all the time with our friends. We moved several times and live abroad for several years. He's my best friend. We grew up together. We just "click" in that way. We met at 19 in college, married at 23, married for over ten years. I feel extremely lucky, like I hit a grand slam on my first at bat with no clue as to what I was doing.

So you've never been alone as an adult? Wild. Do you ever travel, go out or do hobbies without him?

Nope! I don't even go to the bathroom without him!
was that a serious question?
Not everyone who gets married young is a co dependent dolt. Not everyone who marries later is haggard and dropping 100k on fertility treatments.

And clearly not everyone who gets married later in life is capable of forming and articulating mature thought.

[Anonymous]

Not PP, new poster.

DH and I met at 19 (both traveling abroad - while backpacking we met in prague). We ended remeetinf again during the start of our graduate school program @ 21. We were soulmates. We've been together ever since. Not a single regret.

We've now been married 15+ years and have lived in many parts of the country. We travel extensively and support each others' careers. I am lucky (do feel like I hit the lotto) by meeting him so young. I snagged a good one and was smart enough to not let him go.

It can work out. I relate with PP who said she found her best friend. That is my DH to me. And I am super extroverted and have a lot of friends (with whom I go out with regularly). My DH is an introvert. We work. We click.

Our one son (we decided to stop at one so we can continue to travel extensively as we do), is amazing and enjoying growing up with two parents that are having a blast in life.