Scary thoughts about kids at college

[Anonymous]

The message students get from each other in college is "I am here to compete with you for grades or internships or I am here to get drunk and use you". College is not a very happy healthy environment for many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many kids get to college expecting it to be amazing and then can't figure out why they are so unhappy. Students work very hard in high school to get to these "perfect" colleges. I think what they find is a lot of stress to keep up and then the extreme opposite when students let loose and spend all their social time getting drunk. I went to a private east coast college 20 years ago. I was a low income student. I thought college would be amazing. It was not. I had never seen so many drunk people, girls with eating disorders, students doing drugs, students hooking up and then pretending the next day they didn't know each other. The work hard, play hard mentality has been going on a long time. There is no real sense of self worth at your on pace or real meaningful relationships being formed. It is a social environment run by teenagers/young adults that have immature brain formation. I was reading one of the online guides about my college a few years ago. A student was saying that many freshmen tried to pretend they were happy and figure out how to survive the party hard/hookup culture. Unless you are like the Wolf of Wall Street, I think that work hard/play hard environment sucks for girls. But teenagers look around and see everyone with a smile plastered to their face and think what is wrong with me. Parents on this board saying if only you let your kids start drinking early so they can handle it are just contributing to the problem.

I was with you until the last line. In my experience, and from what I've learned, its the kids who don;t know their limits who get in trouble with alcohol in school. Allowing them and helping them to learn their limits in high school can prevent the excesses. But I agree with everything else you wrote.

I also think some schools will step in when the partying gets out of control and others won't. It really does make a difference, not only in putting a lid on the most extreme behavior but also in preventing a school from getting the reputation as a party school and therefore attracting the hard partiers. These reps can become self-fulfilling. I think its how UPenn has become so pre=professional.

[Anonymous]

From what I sense, the schools all boast a "no under 21" alcohol policy. Some (most?) RAs will look the other way for drinking in the doom room with a small, not crazy group. Other than that, the kids flock to frat houses for gross frat parties (complete with extreme drinking, games, casual sex, etc). Is that about right?

[Anonymous]

College students believe that the work hard/party hard atmosphere of most colleges will make them happy. That is what all their peers are doing so they feel they should be happy. Binge drinking, casual sex, and drugs are all self destructive behaviors. They will only bring long term unhappiness. The culture at college is self destructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

sounds like a fool proof plan. clearly, nothing bad can happen to you.

Don't be a dick.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I just read that article linked on the first page. I was something like Madison about 29 years ago - an overachiever who went to Penn and found myself miserable and feeling like a failure. I don't think I ever contemplated suicide, but I definitely engaged in a brief faux eating disorder, saw a therapist, and filled out transfer applications. In the end, I wound up staying and having an amazing experience - the doors I opened during my sophomore year opened my mind to worlds I never knew before. That period of my life really shaped my career and indirectly my family too (since I met my husband thru work.) But that possibility wasn't remotely apparent to me during me depressed freshman year.

My kids aren't yet at the college stage, but I have a lot of friends whose kids are applying or already there. I always tell them how much I hated it the first year, how long it took to find my "tribe" etc. Nowadays the pressure is so much higher - schools like Penn are exponentially harder to get into, and social media magnifies everyone else's seeming happiness until I can see how easy it must have been for these young people with so much to live for to lose sight of that.

[Anonymous]

I think this post should have been titled "Scary thoughts from parents on college kids"

The worst thing you can do is believe it will never happen to your kid and ignore subtle signs.

[Anonymous]

I've been following this thread with interest and finally decided to post. As a parent of two college students, and as someone who works directly with college students with mental health problems (I'm a psychologist) there really is no easy answer, and I share the anxiety a lot of you feel about the pressures facing our kids in college today.

My older son lost a high school classmate freshman year to an overdrinking episode. If you had told me this boy would binge drink to the point of dying in his dorm room I would have never believed it. He was a great kid, likeable and intelligent. I knew his family, and they are lovely people. There were never any signs to them that their son was at risk. It was a tragedy. I can tell you about so many other kids who did the same thing as this boy but they were just lucky that nothing more severe than a massive hangover occurred the next day. Most lived to learn from their mistakes; this boy didn't get that chance. Why? I don't have a reason.

I work almost daily with college students experiencing thoughts of suicide and struggling with anxiety and depression. Some have made attempts, and many gave some sign to friends, a therapist, teacher or coach, and were hospitalized. Most, although certainly not all, recover and go one to better days in their lives. They learn to regulate their emotions better, to exercise self-compassion and not expect themselves to be perfect. They become more emotionally resilient. Others do not. Every college mental health professional has heart-breaking stories of kids who didn't make it. Fortunately suicide is still the great exception and not the normal outcome, but it happens.

As a parent I try my best to know what my kids are going through, to be involved in their internal worlds and their external lives. But I know they keep me in the dark about many of their private struggles. They know my husband and I are here to listen, but I've encouraged them to talk to someone else, including a therapist, if there are things they cannot discuss with us. I pray a lot. It is hard to let go, but I try my best to do it while providing a safe place to land if things get really tough. I think that's all we as parents can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College students believe that the work hard/party hard atmosphere of most colleges will make them happy. That is what all their peers are doing so they feel they should be happy. Binge drinking, casual sex, and drugs are all self destructive behaviors. They will only bring long term unhappiness. The culture at college is self destructive.

I was thinking back to 30 years ago when I was in college, and it was the same atmosphere....work hard/party hard. Sadly, nothing new under the sun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been following this thread with interest and finally decided to post. As a parent of two college students, and as someone who works directly with college students with mental health problems (I'm a psychologist) there really is no easy answer, and I share the anxiety a lot of you feel about the pressures facing our kids in college today.

My older son lost a high school classmate freshman year to an overdrinking episode. If you had told me this boy would binge drink to the point of dying in his dorm room I would have never believed it. He was a great kid, likeable and intelligent. I knew his family, and they are lovely people. There were never any signs to them that their son was at risk. It was a tragedy. I can tell you about so many other kids who did the same thing as this boy but they were just lucky that nothing more severe than a massive hangover occurred the next day. Most lived to learn from their mistakes; this boy didn't get that chance. Why? I don't have a reason.

I work almost daily with college students experiencing thoughts of suicide and struggling with anxiety and depression. Some have made attempts, and many gave some sign to friends, a therapist, teacher or coach, and were hospitalized. Most, although certainly not all, recover and go one to better days in their lives. They learn to regulate their emotions better, to exercise self-compassion and not expect themselves to be perfect. They become more emotionally resilient. Others do not. Every college mental health professional has heart-breaking stories of kids who didn't make it. Fortunately suicide is still the great exception and not the normal outcome, but it happens.

As a parent I try my best to know what my kids are going through, to be involved in their internal worlds and their external lives. But I know they keep me in the dark about many of their private struggles. They know my husband and I are here to listen, but I've encouraged them to talk to someone else, including a therapist, if there are things they cannot discuss with us. I pray a lot. It is hard to let go, but I try my best to do it while providing a safe place to land if things get really tough. I think that's all we as parents can do.

I like that train of thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

sounds like a fool proof plan. clearly, nothing bad can happen to you.

Don't be a dick.

Not the pp you're disparaging but I agree that it's ridiculous to suggest that your kid won't commit suicide because you "loosened the reins." Great it worked for you but it's a sample of 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been following this thread with interest and finally decided to post. As a parent of two college students, and as someone who works directly with college students with mental health problems (I'm a psychologist) there really is no easy answer, and I share the anxiety a lot of you feel about the pressures facing our kids in college today.

My older son lost a high school classmate freshman year to an overdrinking episode. If you had told me this boy would binge drink to the point of dying in his dorm room I would have never believed it. He was a great kid, likeable and intelligent. I knew his family, and they are lovely people. There were never any signs to them that their son was at risk. It was a tragedy. I can tell you about so many other kids who did the same thing as this boy but they were just lucky that nothing more severe than a massive hangover occurred the next day. Most lived to learn from their mistakes; this boy didn't get that chance. Why? I don't have a reason.

I work almost daily with college students experiencing thoughts of suicide and struggling with anxiety and depression. Some have made attempts, and many gave some sign to friends, a therapist, teacher or coach, and were hospitalized. Most, although certainly not all, recover and go one to better days in their lives. They learn to regulate their emotions better, to exercise self-compassion and not expect themselves to be perfect. They become more emotionally resilient. Others do not. Every college mental health professional has heart-breaking stories of kids who didn't make it. Fortunately suicide is still the great exception and not the normal outcome, but it happens.

As a parent I try my best to know what my kids are going through, to be involved in their internal worlds and their external lives. But I know they keep me in the dark about many of their private struggles. They know my husband and I are here to listen, but I've encouraged them to talk to someone else, including a therapist, if there are things they cannot discuss with us. I pray a lot. It is hard to let go, but I try my best to do it while providing a safe place to land if things get really tough. I think that's all we as parents can do.

Thanks for this. I've found this entire topic sobering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

sounds like a fool proof plan. clearly, nothing bad can happen to you.

Don't be a dick.

Not the pp you're disparaging but I agree that it's ridiculous to suggest that your kid won't commit suicide because you "loosened the reins." Great it worked for you but it's a sample of 1.

Why do you keep pushing this? Everyone else has moved on to more productive comments except two of you with the 'nothing bad can happen.' We all know there're no guarantees. Move on, will you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

sounds like a fool proof plan. clearly, nothing bad can happen to you.

Don't be a dick.

Not the pp you're disparaging but I agree that it's ridiculous to suggest that your kid won't commit suicide because you "loosened the reins." Great it worked for you but it's a sample of 1.

Why do you keep pushing this? Everyone else has moved on to more productive comments except two of you with the 'nothing bad can happen.' We all know there're no guarantees. Move on, will you?

That's at least three posters there. With you, that's 4 (unless you're also 1 or 2 or 3).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been following this thread with interest and finally decided to post. As a parent of two college students, and as someone who works directly with college students with mental health problems (I'm a psychologist) there really is no easy answer, and I share the anxiety a lot of you feel about the pressures facing our kids in college today.

My older son lost a high school classmate freshman year to an overdrinking episode. If you had told me this boy would binge drink to the point of dying in his dorm room I would have never believed it. He was a great kid, likeable and intelligent. I knew his family, and they are lovely people. There were never any signs to them that their son was at risk. It was a tragedy. I can tell you about so many other kids who did the same thing as this boy but they were just lucky that nothing more severe than a massive hangover occurred the next day. Most lived to learn from their mistakes; this boy didn't get that chance. Why? I don't have a reason.

I work almost daily with college students experiencing thoughts of suicide and struggling with anxiety and depression. Some have made attempts, and many gave some sign to friends, a therapist, teacher or coach, and were hospitalized. Most, although certainly not all, recover and go one to better days in their lives. They learn to regulate their emotions better, to exercise self-compassion and not expect themselves to be perfect. They become more emotionally resilient. Others do not. Every college mental health professional has heart-breaking stories of kids who didn't make it. Fortunately suicide is still the great exception and not the normal outcome, but it happens.

As a parent I try my best to know what my kids are going through, to be involved in their internal worlds and their external lives. But I know they keep me in the dark about many of their private struggles. They know my husband and I are here to listen, but I've encouraged them to talk to someone else, including a therapist, if there are things they cannot discuss with us. I pray a lot. It is hard to let go, but I try my best to do it while providing a safe place to land if things get really tough. I think that's all we as parents can do.

Thanks for this. I've found this entire topic sobering.

Agreed. And nice to be back on topic. Hope it stays so.