Scary thoughts about kids at college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

This is actually fantastic advice. They need to experiment under your roof. Its the kids who a tightly controlled who go off the rails at college.

Perhaps, but irrelevant to this discussion: read the article.

Nothing is irrelevant to this discussion if it opens the eyes of even one parent or student reading this thread. Absolutely nothing.

Actually, more than irrelevant to the discussion, I find those comments disingenuous, arrogant and dangerously misleading to parents or students reading this thread. Back to the point of this thread, if you think you have it figured out (by "loosening the rein" or whatever): read the article. Then maybe you'd understand why some of these deaths are so sad and sobering.

+1
the arrogance of some parents here who have "figured it all out" blows mind.

-1
the arrogance of some parents here who think their way of thought is the ultimate solution blows the mind.

Agree with you, +1. Negative 1 to the faux psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

This is actually fantastic advice. They need to experiment under your roof. Its the kids who a tightly controlled who go off the rails at college.

Perhaps, but irrelevant to this discussion: read the article.

Nothing is irrelevant to this discussion if it opens the eyes of even one parent or student reading this thread. Absolutely nothing.

Actually, more than irrelevant to the discussion, I find those comments disingenuous, arrogant and dangerously misleading to parents or students reading this thread. Back to the point of this thread, if you think you have it figured out (by "loosening the rein" or whatever): read the article. Then maybe you'd understand why some of these deaths are so sad and sobering.

+1
the arrogance of some parents here who have "figured it all out" blows mind.

Exactly. The sad point, lost here to the know-it-all lady, is that we never have it all figured out when it comes to sending our kids off to adulthood. Some of us have the confidence that we did the best we could but that's not at all the same as pontificating that our way is a cure-all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Random violence, stupid drunken antics, suicide. I know it can happen anywhere, any time to anyone. But I have a sense of anxiety about getting the dreaded phone call when my kids are away at college.

Here's a sad article mostly about one of the 5 suicide victims in 6 months at Penn.
http://www.phillymag.com/articles/penn-suicides-madison-holleran/

This story rang hard for me because although I didn't even attempt suicide, had the same pattern - achieved in HS, went to a large university where everyone is an achiever, had all my insecurities take over, and dropped out after a year. Eventually I finished at a commuter school and did well enough to go to a very good grad school and finish successfully. In hindsight, I know that a large state school (attended as an out-of-state student) was not the best choice for someone who struggled socializing in HS but that is from the perspective of an adult years later.

My point? Parents need to get a better understanding of what their kids are feeling - be on top of them, know who their friends are, what their struggles are. My parents were clueless and I could have very easily have gone done a more fatal path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

This is actually fantastic advice. They need to experiment under your roof. Its the kids who a tightly controlled who go off the rails at college.

Perhaps, but irrelevant to this discussion: read the article.

Nothing is irrelevant to this discussion if it opens the eyes of even one parent or student reading this thread. Absolutely nothing.

Actually, more than irrelevant to the discussion, I find those comments disingenuous, arrogant and dangerously misleading to parents or students reading this thread. Back to the point of this thread, if you think you have it figured out (by "loosening the rein" or whatever): read the article. Then maybe you'd understand why some of these deaths are so sad and sobering.

+1
the arrogance of some parents here who have "figured it all out" blows mind.

-1
the arrogance of some parents here who think their way of thought is the ultimate solution blows the mind.

which way of thought? all that happened was, some people saying, in essence, this can't possibly happen to me because i do everything right. they are, of course, free to express that point of view but it does sound a little arrogant, don't you agree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Random violence, stupid drunken antics, suicide. I know it can happen anywhere, any time to anyone. But I have a sense of anxiety about getting the dreaded phone call when my kids are away at college.

Here's a sad article mostly about one of the 5 suicide victims in 6 months at Penn.
http://www.phillymag.com/articles/penn-suicides-madison-holleran/

This story rang hard for me because although I didn't even attempt suicide, had the same pattern - achieved in HS, went to a large university where everyone is an achiever, had all my insecurities take over, and dropped out after a year. Eventually I finished at a commuter school and did well enough to go to a very good grad school and finish successfully. In hindsight, I know that a large state school (attended as an out-of-state student) was not the best choice for someone who struggled socializing in HS but that is from the perspective of an adult years later.

My point? Parents need to get a better understanding of what their kids are feeling - be on top of them, know who their friends are, what their struggles are. My parents were clueless and I could have very easily have gone done a more fatal path.

I think all parents are going to be clueless to some extent. Everyone has a public and private persona. Kids don't tell their parents every single last thing ever.

[Anonymous]

I think our cluelessness, despite our otherwise best efforts, is exactly the "scary" about this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

sounds like a fool proof plan. clearly, nothing bad can happen to you.

o

From someone who graduated college not too long ago, I actually think it sounds like a good plan. The kids I knew in college who struggled the most generally had two types of parents.

1. The over bearing type who never let them do anything. They tended to go crazy and drink too much which can lead to many issues. These parents generally had very high expectations from their kids, and they were afraid to be honest if they were struggling in a class or having issues. Too afraid of dissapointing their parents.

2. The completely uninvolved parents. Kids couldn't reach out to parents for help because parents didn't really care

So yeah, I actually think pp has a good idea.

+1

As a former RA and the parent of a rising college senior, I concur. The most vulnerable kids are the ones with either no parent involvement or helicopter parents.
My daughter learned to drink responsibly during trips to foreign countries with a lower drinking age. That really helped with peer pressure to drink to excess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

sounds like a fool proof plan. clearly, nothing bad can happen to you.

o

From someone who graduated college not too long ago, I actually think it sounds like a good plan. The kids I knew in college who struggled the most generally had two types of parents.

1. The over bearing type who never let them do anything. They tended to go crazy and drink too much which can lead to many issues. These parents generally had very high expectations from their kids, and they were afraid to be honest if they were struggling in a class or having issues. Too afraid of dissapointing their parents.

2. The completely uninvolved parents. Kids couldn't reach out to parents for help because parents didn't really care

So yeah, I actually think pp has a good idea.

+1

As a former RA and the parent of a rising college senior, I concur. The most vulnerable kids are the ones with either no parent involvement or helicopter parents.
My daughter learned to drink responsibly during trips to foreign countries with a lower drinking age. That really helped with peer pressure to drink to excess.

The profile described doesn't fit your description of "the most vulnerable kids" not does the kid from tj who killed himself at Yale. It's amazing how people can read a story and learn absolutely zero from it.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I'm sort off baffled by the non lessons learned from this article.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I loosened the reins in 12th grade - so they could screw up at home, before they went off to college and screwed up there where nobody would notice it.

This is why I insisted my kids call home once a week. This is why any time they invited me to come visit, I go. So if there are any warning signs, I'm around to see them.

This is actually fantastic advice. They need to experiment under your roof. Its the kids who a tightly controlled who go off the rails at college.

Perhaps, but irrelevant to this discussion: read the article.

Nothing is irrelevant to this discussion if it opens the eyes of even one parent or student reading this thread. Absolutely nothing.

Actually, more than irrelevant to the discussion, I find those comments disingenuous, arrogant and dangerously misleading to parents or students reading this thread. Back to the point of this thread, if you think you have it figured out (by "loosening the rein" or whatever): read the article. Then maybe you'd understand why some of these deaths are so sad and sobering.

Hey, poster who uses multiple adjectives to abuse other posters: cut it out!

That wasn't me you were abusing, but I saw you abusing somebody else on the orientation thread yesterday. I'm sick of your sanctimonious, preachy, verbose, arrogant, disengenuous judginess!

[Anonymous]

^^^You forgot self-righteousness.

[Anonymous]

So far someone has blamed the parents for cajoling for As. Someone else blamed the parents for being too strict in general, or too lax. The article doesn't support any of these conclusions.

Maybe nobody is to blame. Maybe she suffered from major depression and/or anxiety. In many cases depression and/or anxiety are genetic. Or, sometimes the pressure comes from the kid herself (the article says dad supported the Lehigh option but she chose Penn herself).

FWIW, Lehigh might have been the answer, and then again it might have not. I'm from the Allentown-Bethlehem area, and Lehigh has quite a reputation for frats. A female friend of mine was fairly unhappy at Lehigh.

We will never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^You forgot self-righteousness.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think our cluelessness, despite our otherwise best efforts, is exactly the "scary" about this story.

I agree. And yet, the article mentions how dad was open to her going to Lehigh.

Would a more perceptive parent have forced her to go to Lehigh? She was the one who chose Penn over Lehigh, and she seemed to be pushing herself against her own yardstick of perfection while giving everyone the impression that she was happy and well-adjusted. I don't see an easy way a parent could have helped her. That's what's so sad, to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So far someone has blamed the parents for cajoling for As. Someone else blamed the parents for being too strict in general, or too lax. The article doesn't support any of these conclusions.

Maybe nobody is to blame. Maybe she suffered from major depression and/or anxiety. In many cases depression and/or anxiety are genetic. Or, sometimes the pressure comes from the kid herself (the article says dad supported the Lehigh option but she chose Penn herself).

FWIW, Lehigh might have been the answer, and then again it might have not. I'm from the Allentown-Bethlehem area, and Lehigh has quite a reputation for frats. A female friend of mine was fairly unhappy at Lehigh.

We will never know.

While I agree with your basic premise, you should read carefully what the posters said. One poster said in general related to his/her experience of parents who push for As, others spoke in general about parents being lax or strict. But no one accused the parents of the young woman who committed suicide.

Should we misinterpret your comment that if she attended Lehigh she would have been unhappy because you have a friend who was unhappy. Please don't insinuate things that aren't there.