FIL not cool with our spanking rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please update us and let us know how this conversation goes.

Yes, please do!

[Anonymous]

Find another option OP.

Your kid, your rules. Some flexibility with treats and spoiling etc... but as for your choice in discipline? Non-negotiable.

I have a father who was extremely physically and verbally abusive. He will never be allowed to discipline my child. If/when he violates the understanding his access to his grandchildren will be cut-off, with an explanation as to why.

I fully expect extremely difficult times ahead but I actually find it much easier to advocate for my child's best interests than my own - maybe thinking about it that way would help free up your husband a bit.

But in any case, be grateful the grandfather is this open about his approach so you can change your plans beforehand, rather than coming home to a situation you wish you had never allowed.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi. OP here.

From my point of view, it went well. But I think that's mainly because I got what I wanted -- out of FIL having alone time with our son. He asked about it and I said "Look, FIL, to be very honest, I'm uncomfortable having SON go stay with you after the comments you made about 'your house, your rules' and spanking. We just don't do that and we don't want anyone ELSE to do it. So, I think we should hold off on any visits."

He grumbled a bit about kids being soft, it's not like he was going to whip him with a belt, etc. And then pointed out several times throughout the weekend when our son misbehaved and said "a quick swat would have fixed that a lot faster!" That made me really angry, but I sucked it up because my husband was already freaked out about us telling his dad no.

What sealed the deal, though, was the blatant racism -- asian drivers suck, lots of black people in dc, comments on our jewish neighbor, etc. I don't know how many times the words "we don't talk like that in front of our children" came out of my mouth, but it was a lot. So, one more problem to add to the list. I get that my kids will hear that out in the world one day, but holy hell they don't need to hear it from a grandfather and his wife.

BTW, if any of you saw the "SMIL claps for my baby" thread on general parenting, that was FIL's wife.

So, anyone wanna adopt some grandparents? I don't really want them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, OP, you have a couple of real winners for in-laws. I read both this thread and the other one, and I feel for you. They would make me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

You'd send your kid to his grandparents' when your DH is 'petrified' of his own dad? There's your answer.

+1 You think this man's patience has become better or his tactics less punitive? Answer: no. Do not send your son for unsupervised time with this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, OP, you have a couple of real winners for in-laws. I read both this thread and the other one, and I feel for you. They would make me crazy.

Can you post the link to the "SMIL claps for baby" thread? I can't find it.

OP, you did the right thing! They sound like awful role models.

[Anonymous]

Here you go:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/382342.page#5100593

[Anonymous]

Your child, your rules. Simple as that. And you should have said it

Your husband needs to stand up for his child too by the way. You need to contact your FIL and set up a meeting. They are in your life, so you need to set the rules. Tell them clearly "There will not be a discussion on this. You are not to spank my child and if you do, I will call the cops." If he doesn't agree, cut the contact immediately and never look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi. OP here.

From my point of view, it went well. But I think that's mainly because I got what I wanted -- out of FIL having alone time with our son. He asked about it and I said "Look, FIL, to be very honest, I'm uncomfortable having SON go stay with you after the comments you made about 'your house, your rules' and spanking. We just don't do that and we don't want anyone ELSE to do it. So, I think we should hold off on any visits."

He grumbled a bit about kids being soft, it's not like he was going to whip him with a belt, etc. And then pointed out several times throughout the weekend when our son misbehaved and said "a quick swat would have fixed that a lot faster!" That made me really angry, but I sucked it up because my husband was already freaked out about us telling his dad no.

What sealed the deal, though, was the blatant racism -- asian drivers suck, lots of black people in dc, comments on our jewish neighbor, etc. I don't know how many times the words "we don't talk like that in front of our children" came out of my mouth, but it was a lot. So, one more problem to add to the list. I get that my kids will hear that out in the world one day, but holy hell they don't need to hear it from a grandfather and his wife.

BTW, if any of you saw the "SMIL claps for my baby" thread on general parenting, that was FIL's wife.

So, anyone wanna adopt some grandparents? I don't really want them anymore.

Thanks for taking the time to update, OP.

Your FIL is quite the piece of work. Pro-hitting- kids, pro-patriarchy, and a racist as well? You're way more generous and kind-spirited than I'll ever be, just for tolerating his presence under your roof.

At this point, if it were my son we were talking about, I would not allow even supervised visits. Racist talk is going to plant evil seeds in a yong, impressionable mind. Or, at the very least, your child could repeat what his grandpa said even without really comprehend it, as little kids are wont to do. That would make things very awkward for your whole family and reflect poorly on you and your DH as parents.

[Anonymous]

Sure. Swat my toddler because he is in your house.

When you come to my house, and have low muscle tone, poor bowel control, and difficulty remembering routines & details, I'll remember how much you think a good swat gets seniors back in line.

Not with a belt, though.

GOOD JOB SETTING LIMITS.

[Anonymous]

Sure. Swat my toddler because he is in your house.

When you come to my house, and have low muscle tone, poor bowel control, and difficulty remembering routines & details, I'll remember how much you think a good swat gets seniors back in line.

Not with a belt, though.

GOOD JOB SETTING LIMITS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

I think you should say something like "Aiden is very excited to spend time with his Grandpa and we are excited for him to spend time with you but there is one small point I want to clarify before the weekend gets underway. We want to confirm that you understand that we don't swat Aiden for any reason and that you will agree to manage his behavior with timeouts." If he says he can't comply then don't send him but give him a chance to understand that this is a real issue for you. People soften up as they get older and if he's anything like my FIL, who spanked his kids, he wouldn't even consider raising a hand to his grandson.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

I think you should say something like "Aiden is very excited to spend time with his Grandpa and we are excited for him to spend time with you but there is one small point I want to clarify before the weekend gets underway. We want to confirm that you understand that we don't swat Aiden for any reason and that you will agree to manage his behavior with timeouts." If he says he can't comply then don't send him but give him a chance to understand that this is a real issue for you. People soften up as they get older and if he's anything like my FIL, who spanked his kids, he wouldn't even consider raising a hand to his grandson.

This

Insane.

[Anonymous]

OMG OP - you got the Clapper and this gem of a FIL?

I'm so sorry. But I have a set of inlaws that thanks you because you've managed to make them look good, and that takes some doing!

Good for you for sticking to your guns. At least the FIL made it really easy to make the decision.