FIL not cool with our spanking rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

I think you should say something like "Aiden is very excited to spend time with his Grandpa and we are excited for him to spend time with you but there is one small point I want to clarify before the weekend gets underway. We want to confirm that you understand that we don't swat Aiden for any reason and that you will agree to manage his behavior with timeouts." If he says he can't comply then don't send him but give him a chance to understand that this is a real issue for you. People soften up as they get older and if he's anything like my FIL, who spanked his kids, he wouldn't even consider raising a hand to his grandson.

Please don't bother with this. Your FIL is old-school where swattings were a common disciplinary practice. He's not going to change and he's told you explicitly that he will discipline his grandson the way he wants in his house "my house, my rules." So, you now tell them that their rules are not compatible with your family rules and so the grandson will not be spending a weekend with them. Tell them that you will be happy for all of you to spend time together in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

I think you should say something like "Aiden is very excited to spend time with his Grandpa and we are excited for him to spend time with you but there is one small point I want to clarify before the weekend gets underway. We want to confirm that you understand that we don't swat Aiden for any reason and that you will agree to manage his behavior with timeouts." If he says he can't comply then don't send him but give him a chance to understand that this is a real issue for you. People soften up as they get older and if he's anything like my FIL, who spanked his kids, he wouldn't even consider raising a hand to his grandson.

Please don't bother with this. Your FIL is old-school where swattings were a common disciplinary practice. He's not going to change and he's told you explicitly that he will discipline his grandson the way he wants in his house "my house, my rules." So, you now tell them that their rules are not compatible with your family rules and so the grandson will not be spending a weekend with them. Tell them that you will be happy for all of you to spend time together in other ways.

+1. You know where your FIL stands. He was clear about that. Don't send your son.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pretty "live and let live" with grandparents person, but there's not a chance in hell that I would send my kids. None.

My parents give my kids soda, take them to McDonalds every time they leave the house, and spoil them rotten. I couldn't care less. But no hitting my kids. None.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a pretty "live and let live" with grandparents person, but there's not a chance in hell that I would send my kids. None.

My parents give my kids soda, take them to McDonalds every time they leave the house, and spoil them rotten. I couldn't care less. But no hitting my kids. None.

+1 on all of the above. My parents can spoil my kids all they want, but there's no way I'd let them use physical force as discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm also just not comfortable sending our son into a situation like that."

Don't send him where he will get swatted. Problem solved.

+1

There is no way I would put my child into a situation where he might get hit, much less on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Don't let him go over alone. Even if FIL says he won't hit your DS, he is lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't let him go over alone. Even if FIL says he won't hit your DS, he is lying.

Even if he plans to make an effort not to "swat" it's clear it's his automatic default. In the heat of the moment, when kid does something that he doesn't like, the automatic reflex will kick in and kid will get a swat.
Agree with others that your DH's fear of his father is just proof of the lasting damage.

You can all visit, or they can visit, but no solo visits. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't let him go over alone. Even if FIL says he won't hit your DS, he is lying.

This. He's told you what he's going to do. And he's made a long-time habit of getting your DH to bend to his will, so he thinks he can do whatever he wants with your kid. Don't send your kid there.

[Anonymous]

You are the parents; you make the rules. I agree with other posters - this isn't about some extra junk food or a late bedtime. This is non negotiable in my book. As much as you may need the babysitting, this is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

I think you should say something like "Aiden is very excited to spend time with his Grandpa and we are excited for him to spend time with you but there is one small point I want to clarify before the weekend gets underway. We want to confirm that you understand that we don't swat Aiden for any reason and that you will agree to manage his behavior with timeouts." If he says he can't comply then don't send him but give him a chance to understand that this is a real issue for you. People soften up as they get older and if he's anything like my FIL, who spanked his kids, he wouldn't even consider raising a hand to his grandson.

NP. I wouldn't do this.

Here's the thing - don't you thing the grandpa will "agree" but then do what he wants anyhow? And will do it somewhat to show OP and her husband up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

I think you should say something like "Aiden is very excited to spend time with his Grandpa and we are excited for him to spend time with you but there is one small point I want to clarify before the weekend gets underway. We want to confirm that you understand that we don't swat Aiden for any reason and that you will agree to manage his behavior with timeouts." If he says he can't comply then don't send him but give him a chance to understand that this is a real issue for you. People soften up as they get older and if he's anything like my FIL, who spanked his kids, he wouldn't even consider raising a hand to his grandson.

Please don't bother with this. Your FIL is old-school where swattings were a common disciplinary practice. He's not going to change and he's told you explicitly that he will discipline his grandson the way he wants in his house "my house, my rules." So, you now tell them that their rules are not compatible with your family rules and so the grandson will not be spending a weekend with them. Tell them that you will be happy for all of you to spend time together in other ways.

+1. You know where your FIL stands. He was clear about that. Don't send your son.

THIS.

My MIL told me once to send my DS to her for the weekend. She would "smack him up the side of the head" and straighten him out. Neither DS nor DD has ever been to MIL's alone. When we are there or she is here, she is NEVER alone with them. She believes in beating until a child complies. That is not ok. DH doesn't "remember" but MIL has told me what she used to do to him.

[Anonymous]

You don't agree with FIL's disciplinary practices, and he's made it clear already he won't follow yours. So your son won't go.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is rare to have such unanimous agreement on DCUM. Take note.

[Anonymous]

A swat is no big deal. The child will finally learn discipline. Go FIL way to stand your ground. I'd hit any kid who came to my house if I felt they needed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A swat is no big deal. The child will finally learn discipline. Go FIL way to stand your ground. I'd hit any kid who came to my house if I felt they needed it.

Trash.