FIL not cool with our spanking rules

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't send him.

When they ask why, just say "Oh, I thought you understood that we don't believe in hitting him for any reason. Maybe we can try the visit when he's older and won't get himself in situations that you think warrant hitting him. Right now, he can't help it. He tests boundaries. All kids that age do. It's a developmental thing, not a behavior problem."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Kid reached for a light socket, her hand would get swatted and she would get re-directed."

Interesting. In my house Kid reached for a light socket, I would take her hand, say no, and redirect.

Never occurred to me to "swat" her.

Go ahead - Super Parent!

Never occured to me to judge over people's parenting.

former teacher who is judging, children hit because they don't have the language skills to express themselves- your are an adult who does and models the appropriate language for these situations- why do you think hitting her helps her understand better than the word "no"? I will never understand this logic. These are all teachable moments, if I can personally manage 14, 3 year olds at once without striking a single one you can manage your 1 or 2 snowflakes without acts of aggression.

Justify it all you want, but it doesn't make it a good tool for discipline or learning just shows you lack the coping skills to use you words, not your hands...

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread by my IL's who were pro-spankers with their own kids threatened to spank my kids when the visited but never did. They know that we are against it and I think that they realized the ramifications of "spanking" on their ability to grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread by my IL's who were pro-spankers with their own kids threatened to spank my kids when the visited but never did. They know that we are against it and I think that they realized the ramifications of "spanking" on their ability to grandparent.

Why did you risk it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread by my IL's who were pro-spankers with their own kids threatened to spank my kids when the visited but never did. They know that we are against it and I think that they realized the ramifications of "spanking" on their ability to grandparent.

Why did you risk it?

They are really good people and they've been an important part of our lives. I was spanked as a child and survived so if they had I would have been mad but I thought it was worth the "risk". It never happened so for our family it was the right choice.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if your husband would agree that he is petrified of his father because he got swatted?

A swat on the butt left him petrified? I doubt it.

It seems there is a lot more going on between DH and his father if he really is petrified or a lot more than a swat happened when he was a child. Either way - seems like there are more issues that would give you pause than a swat.

[Anonymous]

Even if you lay ground rules and they agree they will use time-outs, I wouldn't trust that in this situation. You will have no way of knowing if they comply or not and husband is scared of his father, all of this spells disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

I think you should say something like "Aiden is very excited to spend time with his Grandpa and we are excited for him to spend time with you but there is one small point I want to clarify before the weekend gets underway. We want to confirm that you understand that we don't swat Aiden for any reason and that you will agree to manage his behavior with timeouts." If he says he can't comply then don't send him but give him a chance to understand that this is a real issue for you. People soften up as they get older and if he's anything like my FIL, who spanked his kids, he wouldn't even consider raising a hand to his grandson.

That is by no means a small point! If this happened with my FIL or children, I wouldn't let them go this time or any other time through the distant future, until I was completely certain that the people I leave my child with will follow my and DH's rules about how we raise them.

OP, most others have given good advice: if DH is scared of FIL, that is a really good sign. I'm all for the adult child standing up to their own parents about their families; but if they can't or aren't able to, the spouse/partner/etc. should be free to do so.

[Anonymous]

^^^^^ PP here - by "good sign" I mean it's all the indication you need to not leave your kids with this guy. And I would investigate more into why DH feels this way (if you don't already know).

[Anonymous]

OP- updates?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL and his wife want our preschooler to come spend a weekend with them. Great, no problem, kid loves them. I was talking to FIL and telling him a little about our son and how he may need to do some timeouts if son gets a little nuts. FIL says "oh, I'll just give him a little swat, that always makes them pay attention!". I said no, that's not ok, we don't hit our son or use spanking as a punishment. FIL says "my house, my rules!". I got off the phone quickly. I'm inclined to not send my son now. I don't want to retaliate with "my kid, my rules", as that sounds kind of petty (even if it's what we mean) but I'm also just not comfortable sending our son into a situation like that.

What am I missing here? Is there any reason to not pull the plug?

This IS a serious matter and a big deal, in my book. I'm fiercely anti-corporal punishment in any shape or form, and if it were my child, any visit with Grandpa would be supervised. Your FIL told you in no uncertain terms that he's not going to stick to this very important rule concerning how you and your husband parent. He basically told you you can't trust him on that regard - and, to his credit, at least he was upfront and honest about it. You should do the same concerning visits. Give him a choice between supervised time with his grandson, or no time with grandson at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

Then you take on the "dirty work". And after that part is done, if it were my husband, I'd gently suggest he might want to consider counselling. He should not be petrified of his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

You'd send your kid to his grandparents' when your DH is 'petrified' of his own dad? There's your answer.

Yes, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A swat is no big deal. The child will finally learn discipline. Go FIL way to stand your ground. I'd hit any kid who came to my house if I felt they needed it.

Trash.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not sending our son. I'm waiting to tell FIL in person when he is here visiting the first weekend of May. We don't talk to him via phone all that often and he's usually distracted -- I want to make it clear why we aren't sending him. FIL really believes in the patriarchy and the Grandpa Rules the Family bit, so I'm actually going to enjoy this JUST a little....

This guy sounds charming. Ugh.

The pro-patriarchy mindset is as serious a problem as the pro-corporal-punishment issue. Grandpa would be a very bad example for your child.

I'm so happy you're not sending him over.