Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been jealous in the past, and totally empathize with people who are sad or lonely in their marriages. It is way less lonely to sit on a couch alone every night, than it is to sit next to someone on the same couch that is totally disconnected from you. I'd rather just enjoy the solitude of being alone than trying to connect with someone a million miles away.

I got engaged, started planning my wedding, then started to have reservations. Then I found out I was pregnant.

We decided to go through with the pregnancy, moved our wedding way up, and started our "life". Everything felt like it was on hyperdrive, and I was constantly mentally trying to S-L-O-W it all down, felt so overwhelmed, and was miserable for a long time in my marriage. Honestly, if it hadn't been for my DC, I would have walked my ass out the door without a backward glanceX10 everyday of our first 2 years of marriage. For the next 3 or so, I cannot say that I ever felt close to my DH or happy with my marriage. We still are so different in many ways. None of our issues stemmed from violent behavior, substance abuse, or emotional cruelty (those are true deal breakers and should be for everyone). But we were like angry, resentful ships in the night, and I thought we could never be happy. I was truly in a miserable, loveless, sexless (I'm talking at least a year between sex at times) marriage.

But i can truly say that i am very happy and fulfilled in my marriage today. We actually decided to have another DC after 6 years together, which most of the beginning of our marriage I would have bet was an impossibility. My DH makes me laugh everyday, I am happy to be his wife now, and I seriously love having our family. That doesn't mean he doesn't annoy the crap out of me at times too, but if we were able to weather the initial handful of years, I kind of feel like the rest becomes easier. I don't recommend this for everyone or anyone, because who knows what will happen. I only say all this to offer hope to people that still want to find love with their spouse (which I had almost zero interest in most of the time).

So what's my point? It's that I think it's rare for anyone to have a fully happy marriage from day one to the end. Everyone hits hideous rough patches. And you can truly find happiness in marriages that have been horribly unhappy at times.

Can you share how you two reconnected? How you went from zero interest from wanting to still find love in your husband to being happy with him again?

Dh and I started off similar, then there were long stretches of just surviving. We had multiple moves, a baby and a toddler, him gone a lot for work. Now I just feel like I've checked out. We're kind to each other, we have sex every couple weeks, I love him I just don't feel "in" love. He's a wonderful person, a good dad, and I really want us to work. I'm just not sure how because we are such different people.

I'm also in a similar marriage and would love to know how you improved. DH and I have regular sex, are pleasant most of the time, and are both dedicated parents. We just have some fundamental differences that boil over into sad arguments that make it feel like we'll never truly be happy and would be better off divorced. When things are good we're good, but when the stresses of life pile up we can't handle it. Since we had a kid it feels like everything is triage.

[Anonymous]

Can I just say I positively hate DH's parents for being such MFers?! That feels much better now.

If they communicated, and she did more than stand at attention, DH might have a clue. They gave him nothing, and God forbid we actually talk about it.

[Anonymous]

16:14, I hear you. If fact I could have penned your post word for word. DH are very happy now but it took me years to break down all the poor communication habits created by MIL. He had cut her out of his life before we had kids so thankfully he realized how fcked up she is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it's true that when a couple has young children, they dislike each other most (or a lot) of the time? Anecdotally, it seems like this is the case.

Seems like that's the case on DCUM, but we have a 2.5yo and a 9mo, and we're sort of besotted with each other. I love my little guys, but my favorite thing in the world is curling up next to him to chat and watch tv after they've gone to bed. He honestly makes me a better person; I hope I do the same.

Same here, we have a 5 year old and a three year old and even when are sometimes over-exhausted and arguing, parenting with him is so much fun.

I'm guessing you both SAHM? The well defined roles for each parent makes for much easier relations, because there is a lot less negotiation, and overall a lot less labor to be done (since there is no WOHM job to be done A.T. A.L.L.). Most likely in this scenario, I'm assuming money is not an issue either, otherwise you would feel compelled to work.

To the husband's benefit, when the SAHM is home alone, they are generally interacting mostly with children and maybe other moms; DH is the first male they might really talk to all day, and this adult time seems even more special and fun and like a break from the day (rather than WOH where everyone has already had plenty of grown-up time).

You're an idiot if you think that the only "adult" and "grown-up" time SAHMs have is with their husbands at the end of the day, and it is "special and fun and like a break from the day".

I could not even respond to that poster. Her statements were so idiotic on all levels. I have no idea what alternate universe her brain inhabits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it's true that when a couple has young children, they dislike each other most (or a lot) of the time? Anecdotally, it seems like this is the case.

Seems like that's the case on DCUM, but we have a 2.5yo and a 9mo, and we're sort of besotted with each other. I love my little guys, but my favorite thing in the world is curling up next to him to chat and watch tv after they've gone to bed. He honestly makes me a better person; I hope I do the same.

Same here, we have a 5 year old and a three year old and even when are sometimes over-exhausted and arguing, parenting with him is so much fun.

I'm guessing you both SAHM? The well defined roles for each parent makes for much easier relations, because there is a lot less negotiation, and overall a lot less labor to be done (since there is no WOHM job to be done A.T. A.L.L.). Most likely in this scenario, I'm assuming money is not an issue either, otherwise you would feel compelled to work.

To the husband's benefit, when the SAHM is home alone, they are generally interacting mostly with children and maybe other moms; DH is the first male they might really talk to all day, and this adult time seems even more special and fun and like a break from the day (rather than WOH where everyone has already had plenty of grown-up time).

You're an idiot if you think that the only "adult" and "grown-up" time SAHMs have is with their husbands at the end of the day, and it is "special and fun and like a break from the day".

I could not even respond to that poster. Her statements were so idiotic on all levels. I have no idea what alternate universe her brain inhabits.

Weird. I'm the first pp with the 2.5yo and 9mo. No, DH and I are both lawyers. I get more than enough "adult time," but I prefer my husband's company to anyone else's. He feels the same way. I definitely get the brunt of parenting (he's private litigation, I'm govt) and sometimes it's frustratingly, painfully hard, but he's an awesome dad, does anything he can to help, and we treat each other very well.

Weird that someone thinks only a SAHM could love her time with a DH; also weird that someone thinks a SAHM doesn't have other meaningful interactions with adults. Weird all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it's true that when a couple has young children, they dislike each other most (or a lot) of the time? Anecdotally, it seems like this is the case.

Seems like that's the case on DCUM, but we have a 2.5yo and a 9mo, and we're sort of besotted with each other. I love my little guys, but my favorite thing in the world is curling up next to him to chat and watch tv after they've gone to bed. He honestly makes me a better person; I hope I do the same.

Same here, we have a 5 year old and a three year old and even when are sometimes over-exhausted and arguing, parenting with him is so much fun.

I'm guessing you both SAHM? The well defined roles for each parent makes for much easier relations, because there is a lot less negotiation, and overall a lot less labor to be done (since there is no WOHM job to be done A.T. A.L.L.). Most likely in this scenario, I'm assuming money is not an issue either, otherwise you would feel compelled to work.

To the husband's benefit, when the SAHM is home alone, they are generally interacting mostly with children and maybe other moms; DH is the first male they might really talk to all day, and this adult time seems even more special and fun and like a break from the day (rather than WOH where everyone has already had plenty of grown-up time).

You're an idiot if you think that the only "adult" and "grown-up" time SAHMs have is with their husbands at the end of the day, and it is "special and fun and like a break from the day".

I could not even respond to that poster. Her statements were so idiotic on all levels. I have no idea what alternate universe her brain inhabits.

Weird. I'm the first pp with the 2.5yo and 9mo. No, DH and I are both lawyers. I get more than enough "adult time," but I prefer my husband's company to anyone else's. He feels the same way. I definitely get the brunt of parenting (he's private litigation, I'm govt) and sometimes it's frustratingly, painfully hard, but he's an awesome dad, does anything he can to help, and we treat each other very well.

Weird that someone thinks only a SAHM could love her time with a DH; also weird that someone thinks a SAHM doesn't have other meaningful interactions with adults. Weird all around.

I could not address it because I was a SAH for 5 years and now working. Every single word she wrote was nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been jealous in the past, and totally empathize with people who are sad or lonely in their marriages. It is way less lonely to sit on a couch alone every night, than it is to sit next to someone on the same couch that is totally disconnected from you. I'd rather just enjoy the solitude of being alone than trying to connect with someone a million miles away.

I got engaged, started planning my wedding, then started to have reservations. Then I found out I was pregnant.

We decided to go through with the pregnancy, moved our wedding way up, and started our "life". Everything felt like it was on hyperdrive, and I was constantly mentally trying to S-L-O-W it all down, felt so overwhelmed, and was miserable for a long time in my marriage. Honestly, if it hadn't been for my DC, I would have walked my ass out the door without a backward glanceX10 everyday of our first 2 years of marriage. For the next 3 or so, I cannot say that I ever felt close to my DH or happy with my marriage. We still are so different in many ways. None of our issues stemmed from violent behavior, substance abuse, or emotional cruelty (those are true deal breakers and should be for everyone). But we were like angry, resentful ships in the night, and I thought we could never be happy. I was truly in a miserable, loveless, sexless (I'm talking at least a year between sex at times) marriage.

But i can truly say that i am very happy and fulfilled in my marriage today. We actually decided to have another DC after 6 years together, which most of the beginning of our marriage I would have bet was an impossibility. My DH makes me laugh everyday, I am happy to be his wife now, and I seriously love having our family. That doesn't mean he doesn't annoy the crap out of me at times too, but if we were able to weather the initial handful of years, I kind of feel like the rest becomes easier. I don't recommend this for everyone or anyone, because who knows what will happen. I only say all this to offer hope to people that still want to find love with their spouse (which I had almost zero interest in most of the time).

So what's my point? It's that I think it's rare for anyone to have a fully happy marriage from day one to the end. Everyone hits hideous rough patches. And you can truly find happiness in marriages that have been horribly unhappy at times.

Can you share how you two reconnected? How you went from zero interest from wanting to still find love in your husband to being happy with him again?

Dh and I started off similar, then there were long stretches of just surviving. We had multiple moves, a baby and a toddler, him gone a lot for work. Now I just feel like I've checked out. We're kind to each other, we have sex every couple weeks, I love him I just don't feel "in" love. He's a wonderful person, a good dad, and I really want us to work. I'm just not sure how because we are such different people.

I'm also in a similar marriage and would love to know how you improved. DH and I have regular sex, are pleasant most of the time, and are both dedicated parents. We just have some fundamental differences that boil over into sad arguments that make it feel like we'll never truly be happy and would be better off divorced. When things are good we're good, but when the stresses of life pile up we can't handle it. Since we had a kid it feels like everything is triage.

First PP here. The little kid years are tough, although the temperament of your child can play a huge part in how tough. But at some point, they do get old enough for you to have a *little* more breathing room.

How did we learn to reconnect (or in a lot of ways, really connect for the very first time)? One huge thing was that we started not watching tv every night after the kids were in bed. We put away the mobile devices. We didn't have any crazy deep discussions, or focus on each other intently or anything like that. We just started playing cards, and when we would play, we would chat and end up actually talking to each other. We started laughing a lot more. We were truly having fun together, and it wasn't planned fun (like a date night), but just regular, everyday fun. Even if it was only 30 mins, things started to really change. I started to like being around DH, and felt myself getting to know him in ways I hadn't before. That interaction was so key.

Once things started rolling with actually nurturing our friendship, we started to send text messages to each other throughout the day with a lot of naughty innuendo - not gross or pornographic or anything - but they just kept him on my mind all day and me on his mind. That majorly turned around our sex life , which in turn had the domino effect of turning around many other things. The more really connected, intimate time with each other we had, the more consideration and kindness we naturally had towards each other in every other part of our lives.

Hope you get out of the triage stage soon - it's a tough place to be and I totally feel your pain and frustration. As they say, this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Very happy marriage after 25 years, but the first four years were rough. We had to do a lot of negotiating, and our communication skills needed serious help. Now we very rarely argue, and with older/grown kids, there's very little stress. Definitely ups and downs, but he's the kindest and sweetest person I know, and he's my best friend. Sappy but true!