DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age discrimination is real. Plus, your husband has the misfortune of being out of work in the worse economy since the Great Depression. Once this damn economy gets going, and it will eventually, finding work will be easier.

In the meantime, can he consult? That is what I have done by preference for 20 years. I have a blog and, yes, network, and can kind of dial my business up or down depending on how much I put myself "out there."

I'm the OP. DH is working on getting some consulting jobs. He was just approached a few days ago about a job. Do you have any suggestions about how to set up a consulting business -- any resources DH could consult? He's starting at the ground level.

TIA

[Anonymous]

In my experience, yes. When you turn 50 you have crossed an invisible line where you are told right to your face that you are a loser and you are not wanted. I have been bashing my brains against this solid rock wall for over 5 years now. It never gets better. I don't see how it ever will.

Even if the economy ads something like 40 million jobs tomorrow, it will not matter. Employers would rather not fill the job than give it to a 50 year old. I am seriously considering killing myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm not the PP either, but why can't you go back to work??!!!!! Work anywhere. Really. Work a minimum wage job. Get up each morning and spend the entire eight hour day looking for jobs. Even restaurants will take you with no experience or work history. I had no experience at a restaurant and they hired me in my late 20's. Don't use your age as an excuse. You could also do after school care, work at a daycare, walk dogs, do elder care, etc...stop making excuses.

She loves the SAHM life . I wonder if she's aware of the fact that her not working has made things worse . She's 50, not a lactating mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice - get off DCUM. This is a skewed demographic and it makes you feel that everyone is 1% of HHI.

Many people are going through what yr DH is going through. Job Search is the worst experience.

PP who agrees, but OP never indicated that she ever applied for any jobs. It's clear she has not. I could have some empathy if she said she's been applying for jobs for years and networking. But that's just not the case.

Agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm not the PP either, but why can't you go back to work??!!!!! Work anywhere. Really. Work a minimum wage job. Get up each morning and spend the entire eight hour day looking for jobs. Even restaurants will take you with no experience or work history. I had no experience at a restaurant and they hired me in my late 20's. Don't use your age as an excuse. You could also do after school care, work at a daycare, walk dogs, do elder care, etc...stop making excuses.

Are you this dense? You were hired in your 20s with no experience b/c you were HOT!

No offense to OP, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to be the case with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, yes. When you turn 50 you have crossed an invisible line where you are told right to your face that you are a loser and you are not wanted. I have been bashing my brains against this solid rock wall for over 5 years now. It never gets better. I don't see how it ever will.

Even if the economy ads something like 40 million jobs tomorrow, it will not matter. Employers would rather not fill the job than give it to a 50 year old. I am seriously considering killing myself.

Whoah, whoah, whoah. Hell no. Please go volunteer with an organization you are passionate about -- a food pantry, an animal shelter -- you will feel better being useful immediately and you may build up skills.

When I was transitioning from being a SAHM to working again,I started writing articles for a non-profit (for free) and I used those clips to help get a job.

And finally, please go talk to someone. Fifty is NOT old, you have many productive years ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Folks, this is a 3+ year old thread revived by someone considering killing him or herself. OP is nowhere in sight.

To the new PP, what field or profession are you in?

[Anonymous]

Get a real estate license and work for a builder sitting on model homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it is any consolation, I am highly qualified in my field and can't even get an interview.

I have young kids and have geographical constraints. I do have a good full time job. I am horrible at networking. It doesn't help that my week is all work-I do have a full time job and spend a ton of time on kid related activities. I know you are looking to provide support for DH and you say you can't get a job at the school but what about part time babysitting? We hired a 50+ year old to pick up our kids after school and watch them until 6. We pay about 20 per hour. With an Ivy degree you should be very marketable. I realize this is not what you thought you would ever do but if you could find someone with a schedule that works with yours maybe it would help take the edge off and maybe an opportunity to network for DH too. Some of these 500k big law families would pay good money for babysitting.

If you ever need income, I would SERIOUSLY consider this. I am trying to hire a nanny and the nanny pool has so many undereducated and unreliable people (no shows to interviews, no followup on something) you would stand out. But as you know, you'd need to provide consistent care, day in and day out. if you can just handle not taking more than 10-15 days off (for vacation and sick, that is. You'd get holidays), I'd hire you in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Add another one to the list. I could have written your post OP. Life is hell for many men in their 50s since the recession in particular but I don't doubt it would be this way even if the recession didn't occur. Age discrimination is rampant for men. We had kids late due to IF and it is so stressful to worry about jobs/losing house/teens/college/retirement etc. DH had to take a paycut with the last two jobs. I'm trying to make up the difference with my work, but we come up short.

Basically we have noticed that he almost always loses jobs to younger, either female or minority or both (his field is one where companies/orgs like to place their token female/minority leader to look PC). I'm sure they are probably paying those people less too which is sad. His current company never promotes from within. Given his age, he feels trapped because he's been burned so much before and the age discrimination now is just huge.

I'm at a law firm where most associates have to leave eventually due to lack of partnership opportunities. Minorities and women get government jobs for which they have no special qualifications very quickly. The white males rarely snag these jobs unless they are perfect for the specific posts. It really is night and day. I feel sorry for your DH. The guys who were told to be team players usually end up completely hosed.

As if. All the SES positions in our agency are staffed by old white men. For the handful of women or minorities, their resumes are stellar (Biglaw, top schools, lots of relevant experience) just to get the same job. Women and minorities, but especially minorities who are women, have to compensate with credentials to get ahead here. Tell me which government jobs these minorities and women got. I want to go there.

[Anonymous]

What about his resume makes it obvious he is in his 50s? has he shown his resume to a career coach? My husband (late 40s) worked with one and she said that after age 35 you should take college graduation year off your resume and also consider dropping early career jobs if not relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about his resume makes it obvious he is in his 50s? has he shown his resume to a career coach? My husband (late 40s) worked with one and she said that after age 35 you should take college graduation year off your resume and also consider dropping early career jobs if not relevant.

That is one thing that makes it obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course there is hope!
My DH is 51 and just found a job with difficulty after nearly two years.

He had applied to dozens of positions, most of which did not contact him: probably in part because he has an unusual background and is overqualified, probably also due to hiring freezes/reticence. He made the shortlist for those who did, but was never chosen until a few month ago. He also could not use his network, which is mainly in Europe.

I may add that he looks quite ten years younger than his age, and that I do not think appearance is the direct issue here. Rather, in these difficult economic times where jobs are scarce, an experienced person is perhaps not as desirable as before. People glance at the resume and think: "Yikes! Too expensive. Let's get the job done a little more shoddily by a junior".

It was a painful time, financially, psychologically, on all fronts. Our lives where put on hold for 18 months and I became quite paranoid about weekly expenses, let alone making any kind of long-range plans. I cannot work in this country, so we just conserved money as much as we could, and felt very lucky that we had a bit put by. Uncertainty plays with your mind to an unholy degree!
I completely sympathize with the strain it puts on your family and your marriage. Even though I had input on DH's cover letters and all professional correspondance, I had to walk on eggshells sometimes because the pressure on him was just too great. This is a person who used to work in the ICU! Nerves of steel. But a year and a half sans job will tell on anyone...

Your DH is well-regarded. He has a network that can scout for posts and recommend him. Above all, the more interviews he has, the more confident and in control he will appear. My DH made use of a very practical book called Landing the Job You Want: How to Have the Best Job Interview of Your Life
http://www.amazon.com/Landing-Job-You-Want-Interview/dp/0609804081
He told me it was extremely useful and changed the way he described his past experience during interviews. Borrow it from the library.

You DH does not need to network like crazy if he feels it is not helpful right now. On the other hand keeping up contacts and seeing old business associates will help him stay alert to changes in his field and make him feel he's still part of his industry.

Cut out all unnecessary expense. Are you sure the therapist is working out for him? On the other hand, regular exercise like a morning jog is a great mood booster. Sex is great too, even though you might not be in the mood if he's grumpy

Big hug to both of you! Keep at it.
I'm sure it will work out.

OP. Thank you so much for posting this! It does give me hope! And thanks for the book suggestion. I will run out and get it (from the library!) and make sure DH reads it. If he won't read it I will!

I've tried to get him to exercise, but he won't do it. I've started exercising regularly with my kids just to help maintain my sanity. I'd hoped DH would follow suit, but not so far. His therapist seems OK, but he just started a few weeks ago. I think it's good for him to have another person to talk to outside of the family. He's really embarrassed by his inability to find a better job. Humiliated is more like it.

Curious: Does your DH know why he was finally chosen? My DH can't understand why he wasn't offered all four positions he interviewed for. He felt completely confident about each, thought all interviews went well, and in the end, they chose someone else, generally younger, cheaper, no doubt. But he has nothing on the horizon, and nothing left to do but go back to his contacts for the third or fourth time. Many of the people he's been speaking with have told him they don't have any jobs, but he's not sure if that's true or they are putting him off. This most recent job he lost out on he was recruited for the interview process (through a connection), and he was told repeatedly that his background was very impressive, etc. They didn't choose him, though, and DH is just baffled by this. As am I.

What was the difference that made the employers hire your DH finally?

22:21 here.
The same thing happened to my DH: recruiters always said they were extremely impressed by his resume, DH was always confident he was their top choice, and... no offer. What is surprising is that many of these jobs DH applied to are still open, after one year! I think they have a large pool of applicants to choose from and maybe are not encouraged to hire quickly, given the slump and lack of funding, so positions are not getting filled... on the other hand, I know a few posts were filled by younger, less qualified applicants, so that clearly indicates senior professionals are too expensive. Finally, I have grudgingly come to realize that being already out of work is not attractive to recruiters, which is sad. That's usually the time when people try to apply for jobs!

DH was finally chosen because of specific reasons: the boss wanted a nearly impossible combination of skills, which he finally found in DH, and the boss was also under pressure to fill the vacancy because the previous person had left before the contract ended. DH had to accept a 10% pay cut compared to his previous salary, and we are under very tight cash flow right now. However, what matters most is that DH is back in the game and can hoist himself up from here!

Regarding contacts, I can't tell you how many times DH had to ask the same people over and over again for letters of recommendations in the past few years. I was embarrassed. To ease their pain, he actually wrote them himself and asked his colleagues to look them over and sign! DH is currently in elaborate talks for another position down the road, in which references will have more weight than before. [b]When recruiters notify him that they will be contacting his references, he sends an email to his colleagues to prime them about the exact nature of the post and even for one key person what exact arguments to advance in his favor... hopefully all of this works out, because this new post is much more appropriate for him (and hopefully will pay more!).

There is no shame in being out of work. It's not your DH's fault, and he must try not to feel humiliated, because that is an emotion which will work against him. Your DH has done so much in his life already, he has so much to be proud of, and so much he can bring to a new job! Hold on to that thought!

What a scam.

[Anonymous]

Don't despair. I always feel like I'm going to be homeless if I lose a job because job hunting is so slow and difficult. You'll find something.