Reply to Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Interesting thread.  I dealt with this myself.  DH was having an EA.  I did not confront the other woman - she actually approached me. There was nothing physical, she was in an unfulfilling marriage and neither one of them was willing to leave their marriages.  Unfortunately, what rekindled our emotional bond (in addition to counseling) was his mother dying.

Two questions for the other DW’s.  If a DH has an EA, do you think he is the only one to blame?  Meaning – do you think that you, as the DW, has any blame?  Second, if DH reveals to you that the reason for the EA was that he felt that you were not supporting him emotionally, would you be willing to step up in that regard?

In my case, I was livid with DH and accused him of stupidly jeopardizing our marriage. In counseling, he revealed that our marriage was in jeopardy long before the EA because he felt that our emotional connection was not important to me.  In fact, the reason he said he did not leave is because the EA allowed him some emotional comfort.  He would want to vent about work and I was either preoccupied with my job or the kids.  He would want to discuss his family issues but, in his mind, I barely seemed interested. So, he would talk to his “friend” and she would offer comfort, kind words and advice.  And I found out that she knew things going on with his parents that I did not even know (like his mother’s initial diagnosis).  In counseling, he was forced to face the fact that he was wrong for not forcing the issue with me and being honest.  But I was also forced to face the fact that I was taking his emotional needs for granted.  Honestly, it would have been easier to “villianize” him had he slept with the woman.  
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I'm the wife of a DH who had an EA. Absolutely there were major problems in the marriage before the EA. But we both contributed to those problems. I didn't "cause" an EA anymore than if he had developed a drinking problem to cope it would have been my fault. Through working on things he has owned up to what he did wrong (for one, he is extremely passive aggressive. Has withheld sex before, affection, has held on to resentments instead of communicating, when things are bad he will lie about working late etc. just to stay away from the house instead of DEALING with them). The EA was one more way not to deal he fully admitted. Rather than come to me with problems he went to her. Not smart and almost cost him his marriage.

I definitely contributed to marriage problems for sure but this was not the solution. This only made things worse and made recovery much, much harder.[/quote]

I just posted and want to reiterate that I really relate to your post, all of it. We both really took each other for granted. It is easy to do with careers and kids etc. Not an excuse but that is how it got so far gone before we dealt with things.

You can't work on a marriage by just blaming one person, totally agree. But the EA was just so damn hurtful. Just such a betrayal. How are you guys now?[/quote]

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