Don’t know how Thanksgiving isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

Those people are completely pleased by not having to host nor by being hosted, that is, being obligated to drive or fly to someone else's house with little kids instead of having Thanksgiving at their own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

Correction: they don’t want to host you, and they don’t want to be hosted by you.

Generally it's polite to reciprocate hosting. But manners are rare here.

Reciprocation is only called for by etiquette where the social relationship is truly an equal one with no power imbalance. The demands of self centered domineering matriarchs are not conducive to reciprocity. Extending an invitation to the OP would be perceived by her as implying that they want to continue hosting her, or continue having her host them. They don't.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. It sounds like they misinterpreted your intent. You needed to be clearer. I think it’s a lesson for all of us parents of adult children that we need to be crystal clear that we want to see them but don’t want to host. It would have been nice if they’d stepped up and invited you but it sounds like they interpretered this as “let’s not do Thanksgiving this year”. Do you have other family members you can spend the holiday with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, did you ever actually teach your sons how to host? Most men are clueless on how to host a holiday unless they've specifically been taught.

And your DILs should not have to host their husband's family.

Presumably OPs sons discussed what to do about Thanksgiving this year with their own spouses and mutually arrived at a decision that was satisfactory to themselves. Which is all OP should have expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

Correction: they don’t want to host you, and they don’t want to be hosted by you.

Generally it's polite to reciprocate hosting. But manners are rare here.

Reciprocation is only called for by etiquette where the social relationship is truly an equal one with no power imbalance. The demands of self centered domineering matriarchs are not conducive to reciprocity. Extending an invitation to the OP would be perceived by her as implying that they want to continue hosting her, or continue having her host them. They don't.

+100 this. The effort of a retired couple hosting in their home, which requires families with young kids to schlep to them and cram into not enough guest quarters is not the same effort expended by the younger family hosting ILs who can simply drive or fly a few hours, managing one themselves, and then manage only themselves in a guest quarters.

Retiree hosts have all the time in the world to plan, shop, buy and cook and clean ahead. Working adults have to fit that all in with work, school, kids, activities, etc.

These two scenarios are not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

NP and do you realize you’re talking to every mother of adult children? Any mom who has hosted tons should be able to say, I’m tired. And a son should step up and host for once. Even if that means heating up food from Wegmans or arranging a restaurant and everyone pays their own way. At the very least, there should have been more discussion. To leave it with “we’ll figure it out” and then to pull a fast one that leaves your frequent hosts out in the cold isn’t fair.

This is very dependent on the ages/health/capability of all of the parties in question.

A empty nest healthy retired couple in their early 60s expecting their adult children with busy jobs and young kids to host them for thanksgiving because they’re “tired” and no longer feel like hosting comes across as selfish and tone deaf.

However if the grandparents are elderly or have health issues and are actually no longer positioned to step up to host then obviously just abandoning them at that point to make other plans is cruel.

From OP’s posts it sounds like she is in the first category.

This. Are the parents of young children not tired? If retirees overextend and get tired they can rest as much as they like. Is OP under the impression that because she was a SAHM, her DILs should be too?

At least 1 DIL offered to host at some point. Plenty of parents with kids host their own Thanksgiving.

Yes, and OP turned down DIL and kept playing Perpetual Hostess for multiple years after. Even if it’s true she had CA guests that year, she should have made a point to say, “But that said, I would absolutely love to visit your home for Thanksgiving, and help in any way that would be helpful. Can we take you up on that next year?”

Seriously - so tired of the Boomers who won’t give up control until the last minute. AND also trying to control everyone else’s time off (beach week, which presumably they took time off work for) and Thanksgiving every year. I’m a similar DIL and I am going to be 60 before I get to host my own holiday in my own home at the rate things are going. Love my mother and MIL, but they both will not relinquish being hostess, even though they can barely handle it in their late 70s. I help out, when they allow it.

You’re such a doormat you haven’t simply hosted at your house and invited them? I did that years and years ago. DH and I didn’t register for entertaining items in our wedding registry never to use them. For two years in a row, we told both sets of parents we’re celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas at our home, and they were welcome to join. They caved pretty fast. It was particularly satisfying the first year when MIL said no to Thanksgiving and both her other children and their families showed up at my house instead; both of those families live HOURS closer to us, so it made sense for them to accept our invitation. MIL and FIL had Thanksgiving at their club.

The minute my adult children offered to host, I was thrilled. I offer to help with whatever they ask of me and we live within a few hours driving distance, so we don’t need to stay overnight. I’ll happily host again if asked, but I love the new traditions.

[Anonymous]

OP, Take a cruise over Thanksgiving with your husband or book a meal at your club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let it go for this year. Next year, say that you missed everyone and offer to host it again. Get it catered so it will be less work for you.

Lock it in early next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let it go for this year. Next year, say that you missed everyone and offer to host it again. Get it catered so it will be less work for you.

Lock it in early next year.

There is nothing to lock in. The DILs have been trying to untangle the màmas boys they married from their enmeshment with Big Mama.

Theyre free now


They're finally free.

And there's no turning back. Big Mama will try all her narcissistic guilt tripping but it won't work.

Cry Freedom!

[Anonymous]

OP- I commend you for raising this, in person, with everyone affected present. I think they likely didn't understand your intentions, or maybe they all needed to see some other relatives/take some vacation.

I would make it clear that you would love to host or be hosted for Thanksgiving in future years. I would also make it clear that if anyone else hosts, you're happy to help by bringing a dish or anything else. If you end up hosting again, there's no shame in catering the whole thing, or doing a combo of catered and homemade food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

NP and do you realize you’re talking to every mother of adult children? Any mom who has hosted tons should be able to say, I’m tired. And a son should step up and host for once. Even if that means heating up food from Wegmans or arranging a restaurant and everyone pays their own way. At the very least, there should have been more discussion. To leave it with “we’ll figure it out” and then to pull a fast one that leaves your frequent hosts out in the cold isn’t fair.

This is very dependent on the ages/health/capability of all of the parties in question.

A empty nest healthy retired couple in their early 60s expecting their adult children with busy jobs and young kids to host them for thanksgiving because they’re “tired” and no longer feel like hosting comes across as selfish and tone deaf.

However if the grandparents are elderly or have health issues and are actually no longer positioned to step up to host then obviously just abandoning them at that point to make other plans is cruel.

From OP’s posts it sounds like she is in the first category.

This. Are the parents of young children not tired? If retirees overextend and get tired they can rest as much as they like. Is OP under the impression that because she was a SAHM, her DILs should be too?

At least 1 DIL offered to host at some point. Plenty of parents with kids host their own Thanksgiving.

Yes, and OP turned down DIL and kept playing Perpetual Hostess for multiple years after. Even if it’s true she had CA guests that year, she should have made a point to say, “But that said, I would absolutely love to visit your home for Thanksgiving, and help in any way that would be helpful. Can we take you up on that next year?”

Seriously - so tired of the Boomers who won’t give up control until the last minute. AND also trying to control everyone else’s time off (beach week, which presumably they took time off work for) and Thanksgiving every year. I’m a similar DIL and I am going to be 60 before I get to host my own holiday in my own home at the rate things are going. Love my mother and MIL, but they both will not relinquish being hostess, even though they can barely handle it in their late 70s. I help out, when they allow it.

You’re such a doormat you haven’t simply hosted at your house and invited them? I did that years and years ago. DH and I didn’t register for entertaining items in our wedding registry never to use them. For two years in a row, we told both sets of parents we’re celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas at our home, and they were welcome to join. They caved pretty fast. It was particularly satisfying the first year when MIL said no to Thanksgiving and both her other children and their families showed up at my house instead; both of those families live HOURS closer to us, so it made sense for them to accept our invitation. MIL and FIL had Thanksgiving at their club.

The minute my adult children offered to host, I was thrilled. I offer to help with whatever they ask of me and we live within a few hours driving distance, so we don’t need to stay overnight. I’ll happily host again if asked, but I love the new traditions.

My parents and ILs, who live a mile apart but can’t stand each other, were doing separate holidays for years. We had to go to two Christmases and two Thanksgivings and both moms wanted us to eat, eat. Finally I put my foot down and said you can come to my house and tolerate each other or not come but we’re not going to both your houses. So now I host everything and I think they’re both relieved.

[Anonymous]

I love the thread title. "Thanksgiving isn't happening."

Yeah Congress passed legislation cancelling the holiday because OP isn't getting things her way for once.

What a piece of work you are OP.

[Anonymous]

You learned things about your family OP and you can either take those lessons to heart or stamp your feet.

1. You disregarded a DIL offering to host and now she doesn’t want to host you. Sounds like there was some disrespect there, you should apologize.
2. Your kid feels like they never have a chance to go away. Why not change beach week so parents come out for a long weekend, grandkids stay midweek, and parents come get them the following weekend, maybe making another 3 day? Then you get a couple of days grandparenting and they don’t burn all their leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let it go for this year. Next year, say that you missed everyone and offer to host it again. Get it catered so it will be less work for you.

Lock it in early next year.

There is nothing to lock in. The DILs have been trying to untangle the màmas boys they married from their enmeshment with Big Mama.

Theyre free now


They're finally free.

And there's no turning back. Big Mama will try all her narcissistic guilt tripping but it won't work.

Cry Freedom!

Seek help. Stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a suggestion for families who are within driving distance to spend a day together.

It started after I got divorced and had the kids every other year. On the years I did not have them, I scheduled "Thanksgiving" dinner at my house on the Sunday before.

Groceries are fully stocked, you shop early before the last minute crowds, and the dinner feels just like Thanksgiving. As your kids age and partner up, they especially appreciate this, since it frees them up to go to their in-laws gathering on the actual holiday.

Over the years, I came to prefer Thanksgiving dinner on the Sunday before. I could spend the next week transitioning the house over to Christmas while everyone else was fretting about seeking water chestnuts for the stuffing or mini marshmallows for the yams. Meanwhile I have a full selection of Christmas lights to choose from at Target or Lowes before the crowds pour in that Friday.

That said, I would have picked up a clue when the OP's DIL asked to host a few years back. OP should have worked something out with her own guests to go to the DIL's that year, or at the least OP should have encouraged it for the year after. Some DDs or DILs want to host and I think it's important to support this and even if we "matriarchs" feel it is our right, I think it is more important to let the next generation take on the challenge when they express an interest.

At the same time, if the adult children are overwhelmed from work and kids and the retired grandparents have the time, money and space to host, by all means do so to make it easier on the young parents, if that is what your adult kids prefer.

This is lovely, thank you.