Don’t know how Thanksgiving isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

Last week DH and I hosted our adult sons, our DILs and four grandchildren at our beach house. We had a fantastic time. It couldn’t have gone better.

One evening after dinner, I brought up that I don’t want to host Thanksgiving this year, I’m just tired of it and I need a break. We rarely see our whole family at once, so I thought it was a good time to discuss. My sons and DILs said oh of course, that’s a lot of work, we’ll figure something out. This week, one of my sons texted to say that they’re going to his wife’s aunt’s house for Thanksgiving, and the other son told me they booked a vacation over Thanksgiving as they said they never vacation as their own family.

Of course I understand all of this, I’m just a bit surprised that neither of my sons nor their wives volunteered to host. My eldest DIL wanted to host a few years ago, but that was the year I was already set to host because there were already relatives visiting from California. Even a restaurant idea could have been part of “we’ll figure this out.” I get that DH and I don’t have a right to all of their time, but we rarely get Christmas with either son, and now we don’t get Thanksgiving either? I just feel very used, like if I don’t “pay” with my labor, I don’t get to play with my grandkids.

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is real…the timing of their responses leads me to believe that your sons conferred before separately responding to you.

[Anonymous]

Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Well, *you" had a fantastic time last year but really consider whether they also did or were they just pretending to.

Ask yourself what you can do to make it easier for young families who are likely feeling short on time.

I think maybe you could get on an alternating schedule where each year you get together for *either* Thanksgiving or Christmas. And see if a different holiday would work better for them. Labor Day or 4th of July. Whoever is the most flexible usually gets the best deal.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you weren't clear what you wanted. You want a big family Thanksgiving hosted by someone else. Same people different location. Did you actually say that? Or did you just say you don't want to host and hoped someone would take the hint?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. I can completely see how this must hurt.

When you brought up not hosting Thanksgiving did you follow immediately with other options ("perhaps one of you will host all of us this year?" or "shall we go to a restaurant instead?") or did you just discuss your decision to not host? Unless you followed with other possible options for your sons and their families this Thanksgiving you inadvertently "broke the pattern" and allowed all other options to now be on the table.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

You told them that you didn't want to host Thanksgiving and they made other plans. Did you say something like "but we'd still love to spend Thanksgiving with you, maybe we could take everyone out to dinner" or, "if one of you might be up for hosting, we could all work together on dinner"? Or did you expect them to read your mind and now you're choosing to be offended? This sounds martyr-y and your sons/DILs with kids don't have time for that.

[Anonymous]

So you as an empty nester don’t have the energy or bandwidth to organize/host a Thanksgiving meal but are salty that your sons and DILs with young children, who presumably have far more demands on them, similarly don’t want to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

NP and do you realize you’re talking to every mother of adult children? Any mom who has hosted tons should be able to say, I’m tired. And a son should step up and host for once. Even if that means heating up food from Wegmans or arranging a restaurant and everyone pays their own way. At the very least, there should have been more discussion. To leave it with “we’ll figure it out” and then to pull a fast one that leaves your frequent hosts out in the cold isn’t fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you as an empty nester don’t have the energy or bandwidth to organize/host a Thanksgiving meal but are salty that your sons and DILs with young children, who presumably have far more demands on them, similarly don’t want to do so?

And you just said they whole family was at your beach house. So that is enough for 2026. How many holidays do you want the whole family together? You got the one this year.

[Anonymous]

When my children are adults and partnered, I'll feel happy if we get to spend every other Thanksgiving with them, since presumably their partners' families might also want their chance. Heck, every third year would be great, so everyone doesn't have to travel every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you weren't clear what you wanted. You want a big family Thanksgiving hosted by someone else. Same people different location. Did you actually say that? Or did you just say you don't want to host and hoped someone would take the hint?

+1

You blew it, OP! You should have been clear about your intentions and desires for someone else to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you weren't clear what you wanted. You want a big family Thanksgiving hosted by someone else. Same people different location. Did you actually say that? Or did you just say you don't want to host and hoped someone would take the hint?

+1

You blew it, OP! You should have been clear about your intentions and desires for someone else to host.

I also said OP blew it. Was the opportunity they were waiting for to be able to make new plans, see other family. The horse has left the barn, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

NP and do you realize you’re talking to every mother of adult children? Any mom who has hosted tons should be able to say, I’m tired. And a son should step up and host for once. Even if that means heating up food from Wegmans or arranging a restaurant and everyone pays their own way. At the very least, there should have been more discussion. To leave it with “we’ll figure it out” and then to pull a fast one that leaves your frequent hosts out in the cold isn’t fair.

No, it isn't fair at all. But it has happened and now OP must accept the new order of things.
I have to wonder if the DILs took advantage of OP's pronouncement about Thanksgiving this year as they may have both enjoyed but grown tired of not seeing their families for the holiday?