Don’t know how Thanksgiving isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

I think you should have said “would one of you want to host Thanksgiving this year?” It sounded like you’re tired and don’t want to celebrate anything.

I have tried over the years to host various holidays and it gets shot down (mostly by sisters) so I just don’t bother. For Christmas I offer anyone who wants to come, can. I cook a lot and my family is pretty celebratory. No one visits me. My MIL is so sad she never sees her only grandkids over Christmas but she won’t let me host.

[Anonymous]

It definitely sounds like OP didn’t communicate the message clearly. The reactions of her kids make it appear that they received it as OP is done with Thanksgiving and everyone is on their own. So they planned accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Op why don’t you just enjoy your husband and go on vacation too? Holidays on vacation can be really lovely.

Why don’t you travel to them for Christmas? grandkids should spend Christmas in their own beds.

[Anonymous]

Take this as a lesson in being more direct.

If you wanted one of them to host, ask "does someone else want to host?"

How old are the grandkids? If they are in school or day care, so much of vacationing and travel revolves around that calendar. It's hard and expensive. Maybe they're seizing an opportunity to take a trip for less money or stress. As for the other family spending it with your DIL's family, you can't fault them for that really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do something fun and enjoy not having to host. Go to Bermuda, or wherever.
Next year, ask them if they would like you to host Thanksgiving and, if so, whether they will be able to come. No drama needed.

That is what I was thinking. OP you should just do something nice for yourselves and enjoy. Oddly enough I was thinking about Thanksgiving earlier today and my relatives come and stay for five or six nights, which is too long. I might ask that they onlystay a few days and if that doesn’t work out, I am going to plan a neighborhood 3K run/walk/breakfast on Thanksgiving day and then go out for dinner.

[Anonymous]

I mean, did you ever actually teach your sons how to host? Most men are clueless on how to host a holiday unless they've specifically been taught.

And your DILs should not have to host their husband's family.

[Anonymous]

People who start talking about Thanksgiving plans in June stress me out! On the other hand, as a daughter and DIL, if I saw an opening to opt out in November 2026, I’d take it and never look back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

I am sure they were secretly relieved too!

[Anonymous]

I am going to be the perfect MIL! I hate hosting, I don’t care if I am home alone (don’t feel lonely), my future DIL can have all the holidays she wants!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take this as a lesson in being more direct.

If you wanted one of them to host, ask "does someone else want to host?"

How old are the grandkids? If they are in school or day care, so much of vacationing and travel revolves around that calendar. It's hard and expensive. Maybe they're seizing an opportunity to take a trip for less money or stress. As for the other family spending it with your DIL's family, you can't fault them for that really.

Or she can offer to babysit while parents take a short trip right before or after TG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

Dp. I think it’s even more than that. Many adult children don’t want their parents around for the holidays, but feel obligated to come if invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

Correction: they don’t want to host you, and they don’t want to be hosted by you.

Generally it's polite to reciprocate hosting. But manners are rare here.

They had offered just not this year.

Frankly I think it’s rude OP always hosted instead of alternating or offering to alternate with DILs. Once children marry they should at least be offered. I love to host and wish I could have the chance. I host my own family often but my in-laws have never let me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take this as a lesson in being more direct.

If you wanted one of them to host, ask "does someone else want to host?"

How old are the grandkids? If they are in school or day care, so much of vacationing and travel revolves around that calendar. It's hard and expensive. Maybe they're seizing an opportunity to take a trip for less money or stress. As for the other family spending it with your DIL's family, you can't fault them for that really.

Or she can offer to babysit while parents take a short trip right before or after TG.

So I realize OP will hate this but grandparents that babysit get more access to everything. My dh will do anything for my parents because they babysit one week a year. When they ask for his help patching drywall or cutting down trees, he always says it’s worth it and brings up the babysitting. He’s a kind son in law and would do it regardless but he loves that babysitting. It’s also great for our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Can't people share the cooking? Pot luck? Its one meal.

[Anonymous]

I mean what did you expect?
Create a new plans for the holidays with your husband..

Travel
Eat out at a restaurant

Either way enjoy your new norm