Cheap and stingy parents

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents were the same way. Always wanted to go to Hawaii but never went. They lived so frugally. Same clothes same carpet, couch for 50 years . When my grandpa died a few years ago I inherited a lot . My grandma is still alive but has no concept of how much money she has. She never worked and they lived so frugal. We knew before he died they were worth a few million but now we know it’s a lot more than a few. It makes me sad they never went to Hawaii. I have tried to get my grandma to go with me but she doesn’t want to fly anymore .

Same with my mother. Father was a workaholic miser and she said she'd travel when he was gone. Now she's scared to go anywhere. I offered to go with her to do whatever she needed me to do, whether it's plan, carry stuff, translate, or just be a buddy. No dice.

What was it all for? The satisfaction of seeing the balance on a bank statement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up thinking i was poor. Never went on a family vacation (though my mom drove us to see an aunt in another state a few times for "vacation"). There was no "back to school shopping" for new clothes - when I did get something new, I was told to leave it in the car and bring it inside when my dad was asleep. Never went to summer programs. Paid for some music lessons with birthday money. Started babysitting at 12 years old so I could buy my own clothes and shampoo.

It was a miserable childhood and it took years to get over my fear of spending money.

They were sitting on millions.

It was infuriating when I found out. F them.

How did you find out? Do you talk to them now? Do you expect to inherit anything? Asking sincerely. Your story is fascinating.

My sibling and I were organizing stuff for donating after my dad died. We found documents for accounts at a few investment firms.

My mother knew about the accounts. I do talk to her, but we are not close.

I hope we'll each inherit something, but I don't count on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents were the same way. Always wanted to go to Hawaii but never went. They lived so frugally. Same clothes same carpet, couch for 50 years . When my grandpa died a few years ago I inherited a lot . My grandma is still alive but has no concept of how much money she has. She never worked and they lived so frugal. We knew before he died they were worth a few million but now we know it’s a lot more than a few. It makes me sad they never went to Hawaii. I have tried to get my grandma to go with me but she doesn’t want to fly anymore .

Same with my mother. Father was a workaholic miser and she said she'd travel when he was gone. Now she's scared to go anywhere. I offered to go with her to do whatever she needed me to do, whether it's plan, carry stuff, translate, or just be a buddy. No dice.

What was it all for? The satisfaction of seeing the balance on a bank statement?

what is people's definition of "workaholic" in this age versus back before?

i feel like people work a ton more now but maybe that's just my mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up thinking i was poor. Never went on a family vacation (though my mom drove us to see an aunt in another state a few times for "vacation"). There was no "back to school shopping" for new clothes - when I did get something new, I was told to leave it in the car and bring it inside when my dad was asleep. Never went to summer programs. Paid for some music lessons with birthday money. Started babysitting at 12 years old so I could buy my own clothes and shampoo.

It was a miserable childhood and it took years to get over my fear of spending money.

They were sitting on millions.

It was infuriating when I found out. F them.

How did you find out? Do you talk to them now? Do you expect to inherit anything? Asking sincerely. Your story is fascinating.

My sibling and I were organizing stuff for donating after my dad died. We found documents for accounts at a few investment firms.

My mother knew about the accounts. I do talk to her, but we are not close.

I hope we'll each inherit something, but I don't count on it.

were they sitting on millions when you were a kid (and had to do all those things you mentioned and no travel, etc)? because i'd suspect it's a huge amount now - assuming this was years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up thinking i was poor. Never went on a family vacation (though my mom drove us to see an aunt in another state a few times for "vacation"). There was no "back to school shopping" for new clothes - when I did get something new, I was told to leave it in the car and bring it inside when my dad was asleep. Never went to summer programs. Paid for some music lessons with birthday money. Started babysitting at 12 years old so I could buy my own clothes and shampoo.

It was a miserable childhood and it took years to get over my fear of spending money.

They were sitting on millions.

It was infuriating when I found out. F them.

How did you find out? Do you talk to them now? Do you expect to inherit anything? Asking sincerely. Your story is fascinating.

My sibling and I were organizing stuff for donating after my dad died. We found documents for accounts at a few investment firms.

My mother knew about the accounts. I do talk to her, but we are not close.

I hope we'll each inherit something, but I don't count on it.

You were snooping, in other words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up thinking i was poor. Never went on a family vacation (though my mom drove us to see an aunt in another state a few times for "vacation"). There was no "back to school shopping" for new clothes - when I did get something new, I was told to leave it in the car and bring it inside when my dad was asleep. Never went to summer programs. Paid for some music lessons with birthday money. Started babysitting at 12 years old so I could buy my own clothes and shampoo.

It was a miserable childhood and it took years to get over my fear of spending money.

They were sitting on millions.

It was infuriating when I found out. F them.

How did you find out? Do you talk to them now? Do you expect to inherit anything? Asking sincerely. Your story is fascinating.

My sibling and I were organizing stuff for donating after my dad died. We found documents for accounts at a few investment firms.

My mother knew about the accounts. I do talk to her, but we are not close.

I hope we'll each inherit something, but I don't count on it.

You were snooping, in other words.

You are bonkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They get to live their own lives. I think all of my Silent Generation family members live this way. They saved everything. In my opinion, people today could learn at lot from this perspective.

Growing up during the Great depression and then experiencing WW2 definitely affected my parents. My dad's greatest fear was going broke, which really came out after dementia took hold. They barely had 500k though, after saving all their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

I could have written this about my own parents. After my dad died, we find out they have a $6M portfolio plus a house. They flew business class exactly once, and only because I suggested it. My mom still doesn't fly business class, but then she's not traveling much these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the reason they have that $7 million is that they were frugal and they saved and invested.

They wouldn’t have that much if they had been spending extravagantly all those years- and then you’d be here complaining that you and your spouse would have to be financially responsible for your MIL.

Yeah, I'm sure Op would be complaining if her MIL has $5m in an investment account, and the tremendous financial burden that would have caused them. How dare her ILs spend that $2m on themselves?

Don't be dense, PP - OP isn't wishing that her ILs spent their last nickel, just that they enjoyed themselves a bit more, or made their lives a little easier, with some of that money.

OP Here - exactly, i mean it's pretty hard to spend $100k extra per year when your whole life you never did.
A
But a cleaning lady is $5-10k a year. They shouldn't be cleaning toilets at 75 years old.

I’ve been very critical of you OP because of how you described your inlaws. Yes, I agree about as you age, you should spend the money to make your everyday lifestyle easier. I’m thinking after saving and spending frugally, they would not have known where to begin to hire help. Eighty year old people aren’t actually on the internet searching for trustworthy housekeepers. That’s something her son, your husband, should have helped his parents lean into a long time ago. But it’s never too late for him to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can look at this a couple of different ways. I think you have to take a generous view and think he was more concerned with making sure that his money would last his whole life and his wife would not want for anything after he passed than that he was cheap or stingy. Many older people keep using old appliances that aren't functioning at top performance because using something until it actually dies was just the way things went.

And those appliances will last longer than a new one purchased today, even if not at top performance.

Oh BS.

That new crap is planned obsolescence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

OP here:

it's our family of course it's our business.

I just wish he had spent more to make their lives easier.

MIL did let us get her a new dishwasher recently. the car will be next.

but more importantly we would like her to have help come 3 hours a day and not have her worry about paying for it. they didn't want to
pay for someone to help even though it could have helped with appointments, shopping etc.

Don’t let the help take advantage and steal the money

[Anonymous]

Some people are just wired to always worry about money. This reminds me of my friends old relative who had been a kindergarten teacher. At the end of her life she suddenly panicked and called every relative and people she knew, to tell them not to spend money on her funeral.
After she passed the family was surprised to see that she had about $90k just sitting in a plain checking account.
Fortunately the family ignored her last wishes and gave her what they thought was a decent dignified funeral.

[Anonymous]

My father died a few years ago and was similar - Greatest Generation and extremely frugal. He spent money on education for the kids and grandkids, weddings and help with homes, but neglected his own care when he got older. Hated to go out to nice places, drove instead of flew on trips, and didn’t treat his friends to meals. He was fiercely independent and we had to lie and spend our own money getting house repairs and lawn care. Died with enough wealth that a 706 was required. I have a few financially hang ups now as a result of our childhood but overall am very grateful. I knew this legacy would be the majority of my retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the reason they have that $7 million is that they were frugal and they saved and invested.

They wouldn’t have that much if they had been spending extravagantly all those years- and then you’d be here complaining that you and your spouse would have to be financially responsible for your MIL.

Yeah, I'm sure Op would be complaining if her MIL has $5m in an investment account, and the tremendous financial burden that would have caused them. How dare her ILs spend that $2m on themselves?

Don't be dense, PP - OP isn't wishing that her ILs spent their last nickel, just that they enjoyed themselves a bit more, or made their lives a little easier, with some of that money.

OP Here - exactly, i mean it's pretty hard to spend $100k extra per year when your whole life you never did.
A
But a cleaning lady is $5-10k a year. They shouldn't be cleaning toilets at 75 years old.

I’ve been very critical of you OP because of how you described your inlaws. Yes, I agree about as you age, you should spend the money to make your everyday lifestyle easier. I’m thinking after saving and spending frugally, they would not have known where to begin to hire help. Eighty year old people aren’t actually on the internet searching for trustworthy housekeepers. That’s something her son, your husband, should have helped his parents lean into a long time ago. But it’s never too late for him to start.

You don't think we have tried? What do you do when they keep sending the caretaker home. And the siblings are paying for it so it's not even the money.