Cheap and stingy parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

That is not for her (or you) to decide.

No one is deciding anything. People have opinions. If other people's thoughts bother you this much, don't go looking for them on this thought-sharing website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

That is not for her (or you) to decide.

No one is deciding anything. People have opinions. If other people's thoughts bother you this much, don't go looking for them on this thought-sharing website.

Sure you have. OP and you have decided their life choice is "cheap and stingy." Read the title. That's one bit*h way to think.

[Anonymous]

My parents (and I + DH, to be honest) are like that. I find peace in having money, I don’t enjoy spending money on many things and I like the feeling of being thrifty. DH’s parents spend every cent as they get it and live way beyond their means. No idea how they sleep at night or what they plan to do in their 80s and 90s, should they live that long. But to each their own. Neither way is exactly right or wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is like this. He’s worth tens of millions and gets stressed if we don’t pull our credit card out super fast to pay for his meal at the McDonald's drive through. Refuses to pay someone to fix serious house problems like big leaks etc and makes us do it.

Obviously at this level and OP’s level it’s a psychological issue that isn’t going to be solved in their twilight years.

How does he make you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is like this. He’s worth tens of millions and gets stressed if we don’t pull our credit card out super fast to pay for his meal at the McDonald's drive through. Refuses to pay someone to fix serious house problems like big leaks etc and makes us do it.

Obviously at this level and OP’s level it’s a psychological issue that isn’t going to be solved in their twilight years.

There's a huge difference between thrifty, which I think of as choosing not to spend your own money on yourself, and being cheap, which is burdening others.

Eating at McDonalds rather than the Inn at Little Washington is thrifty. Refusing to pay for yourself at McDonalds is cheap.

My grandparents wouldn't spend an unncessary penny on themselves but were extremely generous to friends and family. Would we have prefer to see them indulge themselves a little more? Yes. But they were adults who were perfectly able to make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the reason they have that $7 million is that they were frugal and they saved and invested.

They wouldn’t have that much if they had been spending extravagantly all those years- and then you’d be here complaining that you and your spouse would have to be financially responsible for your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:just a vent to be honest.

the In-Laws live in a modest 55+ community and it took a lot of effort to get them to move about 5 years ago. It was great.
the old house was run down and needed to be updated.

The lived conservatively, nice cars but 10 years old, vacations but nothing flashy. we always worried that they would run out of money.
They wouldn't get a new dishwasher even though the last one was a POS. Mostly due to the FIL who ran the house.

FIL passes away and we find out they have $7mm investment account.

Really wish they were able to enjoy the $$ and use the money to make their lives easier - getting a cleaning lady, other help around the house, nicer meals out.

hopefully the MIL decides to live life a bit easier but frugality is hard wired into their brains.

The bolded probably weighed heavily on them, and are you not glad that the burden of taking care of indigent parents did not fall upon your husband? I wonder if your in-laws grew up poor. I gotta admit, that I am somewhat like your in-laws. I grew up extremely poor wearing handmedowns, thrift store clothing and eating the big block of government cheese. Through hard work and some luck, I have what many wold call the American dream. I worry about running out of money all the time (the little girl in me) and it affects the way I refuse to spend money. Will I have enough for longterm care, if I live that long. Will I have enough to leave DC a decent inheritance. My DC does not have the mental money issues that I have because he has never been without. It is what it is, and if you have never been concerned about your next meal, bus fare, or even a good pair of shoes you have no clue of psychological issues that money has on the psyche longterm.

[Anonymous]

I grew up thinking i was poor. Never went on a family vacation (though my mom drove us to see an aunt in another state a few times for "vacation"). There was no "back to school shopping" for new clothes - when I did get something new, I was told to leave it in the car and bring it inside when my dad was asleep. Never went to summer programs. Paid for some music lessons with birthday money. Started babysitting at 12 years old so I could buy my own clothes and shampoo.

It was a miserable childhood and it took years to get over my fear of spending money.

They were sitting on millions.

It was infuriating when I found out. F them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the reason they have that $7 million is that they were frugal and they saved and invested.

They wouldn’t have that much if they had been spending extravagantly all those years- and then you’d be here complaining that you and your spouse would have to be financially responsible for your MIL.

Yeah, I'm sure Op would be complaining if her MIL has $5m in an investment account, and the tremendous financial burden that would have caused them. How dare her ILs spend that $2m on themselves?

Don't be dense, PP - OP isn't wishing that her ILs spent their last nickel, just that they enjoyed themselves a bit more, or made their lives a little easier, with some of that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is like this. He’s worth tens of millions and gets stressed if we don’t pull our credit card out super fast to pay for his meal at the McDonald's drive through. Refuses to pay someone to fix serious house problems like big leaks etc and makes us do it.

Obviously at this level and OP’s level it’s a psychological issue that isn’t going to be solved in their twilight years.

There's a huge difference between thrifty, which I think of as choosing not to spend your own money on yourself, and being cheap, which is burdening others.

Eating at McDonalds rather than the Inn at Little Washington is thrifty. Refusing to pay for yourself at McDonalds is cheap.
My grandparents wouldn't spend an unncessary penny on themselves but were extremely generous to friends and family. Would we have prefer to see them indulge themselves a little more? Yes. But they were adults who were perfectly able to make their own decisions.

I would not think of making my parents or grandparents pay for a Big Mac. And I definitely would not complain or make a big deal about buying gramps a McAdees meal. I would laugh about it with other family members in conversations about one of many of pops/gramps peculiarities.

[Anonymous]

I once read an interview with a drapery fabricator. He said many of his clients were recently widowed women finally replacing their 40 year old drapes because their husbands wouldn't spend the money while they were alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the reason they have that $7 million is that they were frugal and they saved and invested.

They wouldn’t have that much if they had been spending extravagantly all those years- and then you’d be here complaining that you and your spouse would have to be financially responsible for your MIL.

Exactly this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just a vent to be honest.

the In-Laws live in a modest 55+ community and it took a lot of effort to get them to move about 5 years ago. It was great.
the old house was run down and needed to be updated.

The lived conservatively, nice cars but 10 years old, vacations but nothing flashy. we always worried that they would run out of money.
They wouldn't get a new dishwasher even though the last one was a POS. Mostly due to the FIL who ran the house.

FIL passes away and we find out they have $7mm investment account.

Really wish they were able to enjoy the $$ and use the money to make their lives easier - getting a cleaning lady, other help around the house, nicer meals out.

hopefully the MIL decides to live life a bit easier but frugality is hard wired into their brains.

The bolded probably weighed heavily on them, and are you not glad that the burden of taking care of indigent parents did not fall upon your husband? I wonder if your in-laws grew up poor. I gotta admit, that I am somewhat like your in-laws. I grew up extremely poor wearing handmedowns, thrift store clothing and eating the big block of government cheese. Through hard work and some luck, I have what many wold call the American dream. I worry about running out of money all the time (the little girl in me) and it affects the way I refuse to spend money. Will I have enough for longterm care, if I live that long. Will I have enough to leave DC a decent inheritance. My DC does not have the mental money issues that I have because he has never been without. It is what it is, and if you have never been concerned about your next meal, bus fare, or even a good pair of shoes you have no clue of psychological issues that money has on the psyche longterm.

It is good, PP, that you admit that these are "psychological issues" that can and should be overcome. OP is just wishing that her ILs had recognized that, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just a vent to be honest.

the In-Laws live in a modest 55+ community and it took a lot of effort to get them to move about 5 years ago. It was great.
the old house was run down and needed to be updated.

The lived conservatively, nice cars but 10 years old, vacations but nothing flashy. we always worried that they would run out of money.
They wouldn't get a new dishwasher even though the last one was a POS. Mostly due to the FIL who ran the house.

FIL passes away and we find out they have $7mm investment account.

Really wish they were able to enjoy the $$ and use the money to make their lives easier - getting a cleaning lady, other help around the house, nicer meals out.

hopefully the MIL decides to live life a bit easier but frugality is hard wired into their brains.

The bolded probably weighed heavily on them, and are you not glad that the burden of taking care of indigent parents did not fall upon your husband? I wonder if your in-laws grew up poor. I gotta admit, that I am somewhat like your in-laws. I grew up extremely poor wearing handmedowns, thrift store clothing and eating the big block of government cheese. Through hard work and some luck, I have what many wold call the American dream. I worry about running out of money all the time (the little girl in me) and it affects the way I refuse to spend money. Will I have enough for longterm care, if I live that long. Will I have enough to leave DC a decent inheritance. My DC does not have the mental money issues that I have because he has never been without. It is what it is, and if you have never been concerned about your next meal, bus fare, or even a good pair of shoes you have no clue of psychological issues that money has on the psyche longterm.

It is good, PP, that you admit that these are "psychological issues" that can and should be overcome. OP is just wishing that her ILs had recognized that, too.

No she is not. She has judged them and believes she is better. Just read the title of this thread. How dare they be so cheap.