Do you have an age cut off on supporting adult kids?

[Anonymous]

How would you handle this? DD is off to graduate school in the fall. She is moving to that town and we were planning on helping her with the cost of an apartment. Her boyfriend wants to move there too, and of course they’d want to share. Are we being forced to support the boyfriend here? He doesn’t have a lot of income. DD is acting oblivious to our point of view that we are not comfortable paying for a shared apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this? DD is off to graduate school in the fall. She is moving to that town and we were planning on helping her with the cost of an apartment. Her boyfriend wants to move there too, and of course they’d want to share. Are we being forced to support the boyfriend here? He doesn’t have a lot of income. DD is acting oblivious to our point of view that we are not comfortable paying for a shared apartment.

I wouldn't like that either. Can you pay for grad school and tell her to take out loans for the shared apartment if she insists on living with him? Or if you're okay with them living together, you can say you'll pay for 50% of the rent directly to the landlord, and he's responsible for the other 50%? Tenants are typically jointly and severally liable, but going in with some clear division and expectations is a requirement if you want to make it work. It's pretty common for grad students to have roommates, so figuring out a fair division seems like a good idea to me. But is your daughter going to end up subsidizing him anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this? DD is off to graduate school in the fall. She is moving to that town and we were planning on helping her with the cost of an apartment. Her boyfriend wants to move there too, and of course they’d want to share. Are we being forced to support the boyfriend here? He doesn’t have a lot of income. DD is acting oblivious to our point of view that we are not comfortable paying for a shared apartment.

Why can't she work while she's in grad school to pay her rent?

[Anonymous]

I personally believe that parents ensuring that their retirement and health care is secure in their old age so that they are not a burden on their children is the best financial leg-up they can give to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generational affluence wow. Those that have get and keep getting.
Poor kids, kids from MC families dont get $$$ no matter how much they are loved.
Don't forget to be grateful for the position you are in to even contemplate full pay, cars, down payments, etc.

This is not true. It's actually insulting as if I don't have the smarts as a low income earner.
There are so many things poor/middle class can do for their kids and for themselves to get the ahead. Money helps, but what really helps is great health, consistency, avoiding mistakes, human capital, and many other things.
Not making enough money barely makes it to top 10 reasons. I lived this life and I lived among the poor.
It's like people telling the sad immigrant stories about arriving with $10 in the pocket. Many of the people have 'intangible assets'.
There is no reason why poor and middle class can't have them also. They may not see them clearly and then someone like PP also piles on that it must be the $$$. It's such a disservice to people already blaming the income.
My kids grew up with the knowledge that low income is NOT the problem. Having such knowledge and now experience, is an asset.

This is just repugnant. You've lived "among the poor." Have you ever actually been poor? Having low income isn't a problem? I'm grateful to be UMC because I grew up in a big family with scarce resources. It's really hard to get ahead if you're under constant financial stress. I don't take it for granted now that we can weather unexpected life events, and feel nothing but compassionate for those who don't have the resources to support their children as they transition to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

DD graduated college in January at 21. I gave her a 2 month grace period before she was responsible for paying for phone and car insurance. She works part-time hopefully to turn FT in a low COL city. I pay health insurance—have keep the family plan anyway and would not save a penny if she left the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this? DD is off to graduate school in the fall. She is moving to that town and we were planning on helping her with the cost of an apartment. Her boyfriend wants to move there too, and of course they’d want to share. Are we being forced to support the boyfriend here? He doesn’t have a lot of income. DD is acting oblivious to our point of view that we are not comfortable paying for a shared apartment.

Why can't she work while she's in grad school to pay her rent?

She could, but she has a robust 529 that would cover most of it and she will be busy studying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this? DD is off to graduate school in the fall. She is moving to that town and we were planning on helping her with the cost of an apartment. Her boyfriend wants to move there too, and of course they’d want to share. Are we being forced to support the boyfriend here? He doesn’t have a lot of income. DD is acting oblivious to our point of view that we are not comfortable paying for a shared apartment.

Oh hell no. Boyfriend needs to get a job and pay half the rent and if he can't he is a loser she shouldn't date.

And I would not want to support her living with him anyway. She's young and living with someone can cause relationship inertia. I think you should think about whether you want to support her living with him, even if he does pay rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this? DD is off to graduate school in the fall. She is moving to that town and we were planning on helping her with the cost of an apartment. Her boyfriend wants to move there too, and of course they’d want to share. Are we being forced to support the boyfriend here? He doesn’t have a lot of income. DD is acting oblivious to our point of view that we are not comfortable paying for a shared apartment.

Oh hell no. Boyfriend needs to get a job and pay half the rent and if he can't he is a loser she shouldn't date.

And I would not want to support her living with him anyway. She's young and living with someone can cause relationship inertia. I think you should think about whether you want to support her living with him, even if he does pay rent.

Unless you have a religious reason to oppose it, just make sure they are both on the lease and only fund her half directly to the landlord and let him figure out his. Maybe she’ll use the extra money from saved rent to indirectly enable/support him, but what can you do? I have a unit I rent to a twenty something couple and half the rent payment comes from on of their parents. That parent also guaranteed the lease.

[Anonymous]

i think it is ridiculous for parents to be supporting "kids" well into their 40s. my neighbor does this, and she has some money, but nothing like 30 million. IMO it hinders their growing up and being responsible for themselves.

my kids have been on their own since starting their first jobs. each has lived at home for a bit. one, until she got married (a year or so) and the other, during the covid times. she paid for an apartment in another city while she lived with us.

we do take them on a vacation once a year, but other than that, they are on their own.

we don't have enough to help with down payments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two in college, and it's obviously the most they have ever cost us. Tuition/ dorm we pay for with 529, but there is car insurance, healthcare, huge amounts of food they consume when at home which is a large part of the year given college schedule. They do work but so far are only using their money for their own "fun spending" and saving. At what point do you stop supporting kids financially? Did you stop cold turkey after college? Or did you phase things out so they progressively became independent? I read that 64% of parents support their Gen Z kid but that is not such a helpful stat given the age range of gen Z including college kids.

Nope.

My parents stopped cold turkey around 18 and it was so, so hard. They could have helped some and reneged on paying for college (I picked the school they wanted b/c of costs). While others my age were buying houses and investing, I was paying back loans and scraping by w/o health insurance and living paycheck to paycheck. Costs are even worse now.

As long as my kid is a functioning and hard-working adult, I'll help whenever I can. But my child is grateful and kind about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this? DD is off to graduate school in the fall. She is moving to that town and we were planning on helping her with the cost of an apartment. Her boyfriend wants to move there too, and of course they’d want to share. Are we being forced to support the boyfriend here? He doesn’t have a lot of income. DD is acting oblivious to our point of view that we are not comfortable paying for a shared apartment.

Oh hell no. Boyfriend needs to get a job and pay half the rent and if he can't he is a loser she shouldn't date.

And I would not want to support her living with him anyway. She's young and living with someone can cause relationship inertia. I think you should think about whether you want to support her living with him, even if he does pay rent.

I was that "boyfriend," actually the girlfriend. We had started dating the year before graduation and boyfriend got into law school in a different city. We decided to move to that city and live together because we were not ready to get married yet and who wants to pay for separate apartments in an expensive university town? I had been applying for jobs in that city before the move. My boyfriend's mother told him they would not "support" me as well as him. They assumed that was my plan. It was not. They did not know me at all. I started a job two weeks after the move and significantly saved them money by paying half of everything that they would have paid in full because he would not have shared a one bedroom with anyone else. We ended up getting married. I got my MBA and had a career. I never forgot that insult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD graduated college in January at 21. I gave her a 2 month grace period before she was responsible for paying for phone and car insurance. She works part-time hopefully to turn FT in a low COL city. I pay health insurance—have keep the family plan anyway and would not save a penny if she left the plan.

Why only PT? Serious question. If my kid didn't have a job at graduation, they had plans to come home, work FT at the job they'd had thru College (on breaks) until they landed a FT job, or a PT job in their field and then they'd still work PT at this Previous job. But once you graduate College, you can live with me and we will pay for food/basics, but you must be working 35-40 hour/week. It's not a choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i think it is ridiculous for parents to be supporting "kids" well into their 40s. my neighbor does this, and she has some money, but nothing like 30 million. IMO it hinders their growing up and being responsible for themselves.

my kids have been on their own since starting their first jobs. each has lived at home for a bit. one, until she got married (a year or so) and the other, during the covid times. she paid for an apartment in another city while she lived with us.

we do take them on a vacation once a year, but other than that, they are on their own.

we don't have enough to help with down payments.

So you might think differently if you had "more money". We are at the 30M+ level, so yes we will help our kids as we deem appropriate. However, they must all have a career path and be working 40 hour/week jobs for this to happen. It doesn't "hinder their growing up". Our funds help ensure they max their retirement (this 24 yo would be putting away 15-18% without our help). Instead of driving a 10+ year old vehicle, they got a new one, so there are not any mechanical issues (they have a job they have to be in office for---limited amount of time to work from home for appointments/taking car in for servicing, etc). But the old care was running fine and they could have gotten another 3-5 years out of it. But we have the $$ so why make them wait?
Our kid also saves for other things and lives within a budget (they can afford their apartment and all monthly living expenses...but they wouldn't save as much---only 15% for retirement and another 5%). If they chose to buy a $100K vehicle, we wouldn't fund that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this? DD is off to graduate school in the fall. She is moving to that town and we were planning on helping her with the cost of an apartment. Her boyfriend wants to move there too, and of course they’d want to share. Are we being forced to support the boyfriend here? He doesn’t have a lot of income. DD is acting oblivious to our point of view that we are not comfortable paying for a shared apartment.

You help her with half the rent. He pays the other half or they figure it out.