What do you say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We love you and support you in all your choices.

This, plus I'm available to listen to anything you'd like to talk out.

All of this. Let me know how I can support you.

So in response to what people tell us, even yes, chidren, we are supposed to support them in whatevery choice they make, just because it is their choice, there we must support?

When it comes to their reproductive choice, you 100000% do. How is this not clear to you?

It is not clear that another person in the world could possibly disagree with you?

What is there to disagree with? Not your body, not your decision.

[Anonymous]

I feel pretty badly for today's young adults. They are treated like they are 12. I got married at 18 (1973), had two kids by 24, stayed married for 25 years, my first got married at 20, had two kids by 22, stayed married for 20 years, everyone is doing fine and actually raised their own kids, supported their families, and led productive lives.

I did not ask my mother for advice at age 18, I did what adults do and made my own decisions. So did my kids. Mid 20s people ought to be well on their way to mid life with everything pretty much under control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel pretty badly for today's young adults. They are treated like they are 12. I got married at 18 (1973), had two kids by 24, stayed married for 25 years, my first got married at 20, had two kids by 22, stayed married for 20 years, everyone is doing fine and actually raised their own kids, supported their families, and led productive lives.

I did not ask my mother for advice at age 18, I did what adults do and made my own decisions. So did my kids. Mid 20s people ought to be well on their way to mid life with everything pretty much under control.

SO after 18 you never ever asked anyone else for advice because you had it ALL figured out.

Yeah, I didn't think so. I also have a feeling why your kids never came to you for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I got a text message I didn’t see for 2 hours. Please Please Mom call me. 3pm. I called back 2x but apparently Verizon was down in our area for a little while. I even texted his dad (my ex) saying what’s the emergency I can’t get through. Never heard back from the ex.

Son called back at 8pm and told me the story. They had the Planned Parenthood appointment today.

Regardless of the story I just told him, she has all the choices. Welcome to adulthood. Women don’t have the choice when they have to bleed every month with pain and carry pregnancies and give birth and breastfeed, and you have had your choices all along.

I said:

“OK, so this is where you grow up. It’s not the end of the world, this is no one’s first rodeo. This has happened throughout history. You have a good support system whatever she chooses - but it’s not your choice because you’re not the one who gets to make the choice now, and she has many choices that no longer involve you.

She can terminate the pregnancy. She can deliver the baby and give it up for adoption. She can have the baby and keep it and you’ll have to pay child support for up to 22 years. It’s no longer your choice. Your choice was to have sex.”

The thing is, they don’t know how far along she is. He did ask how hard is it to give a baby up for adoption. I said, “it’s very easy legally to give a newborn up for adoption. But it’s very hard emotionally, traumatic, actually, and you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. You will never forget it. And it’s even worse on (his girlfriend’s name)”

“We are a support system for you always. But I can’t solve this one for you. I can’t show up at the appointment for you. I can’t have any opinion. I can’t have any input. That’s what being an adult means, your mom and dad can’t do anything today, you are the adult today.”

That’s all I had. He asked me not to tell anyone, including his dad, of course I would not do that.

I think I just told him, “things will be OK no matter what you decide, I can’t promise that they will you ever be the same, but this is not a new thing and for centuries people have found ways around it. Whatever decision you both make will be OK in the end.”

You did good.

Agreed. My son hasn't had a girlfriend yet. But I've told him a variant of what OP said.

"She can terminate the pregnancy. She can deliver the baby and give it up for adoption. She can have the baby and keep it and you’ll have to pay child support for up to 22 years. It’s no longer your choice. Your choice was to have sex.”

I only have two teen kids. I would be willing to open adopt or share custody of a grandchild instead of letting a child be adopted out of the family. I have experience being a married working mom and I could do it again and enjoy the ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel pretty badly for today's young adults. They are treated like they are 12. I got married at 18 (1973), had two kids by 24, stayed married for 25 years, my first got married at 20, had two kids by 22, stayed married for 20 years, everyone is doing fine and actually raised their own kids, supported their families, and led productive lives.

I did not ask my mother for advice at age 18, I did what adults do and made my own decisions. So did my kids. Mid 20s people ought to be well on their way to mid life with everything pretty much under control.

OP here

So you were born in 1955 and got married at 18

OK cool

But the part where you think that 2026 is the same as everything when you were 50 years ago is ... different

You honestly sound like when I went to a town meeting on replacing the old little league field and there were all these old people who stood up in town meeting with their yellow legal pads and scrawls and they were all like, "so when I was a kid we played baseball hitting rocks with sticks and we liked it"

Even the old ladies who weren't even allowed to play baseball at the time

[Anonymous]

We got married in our mid 20's, moved to another country for career, had kids, built a life, bought a home, all that without any support network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We love you and support you in all your choices.

This, plus I'm available to listen to anything you'd like to talk out.

All of this. Let me know how I can support you.

So in response to what people tell us, even yes, chidren, we are supposed to support them in whatevery choice they make, just because it is their choice, there we must support?

When it comes to their reproductive choice, you 100000% do. How is this not clear to you?

It is not clear that another person in the world could possibly disagree with you?

What is there to disagree with? Not your body, not your decision.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got married in our mid 20's, moved to another country for career, had kids, built a life, bought a home, all that without any support network.

WOW YOU'RE SO COOL!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got married in our mid 20's, moved to another country for career, had kids, built a life, bought a home, all that without any support network.

The world is not the same place now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We got married in our mid 20's, moved to another country for career, had kids, built a life, bought a home, all that without any support network.

The world is not the same place now.

And even if it was, who cares? He asked his own mother for advice and support, not half a million dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you describe them more?

Are they mid-20s like 25 or 26, working full time jobs with benefits, and have been dating for a year or more?

Or are they 22 and 26 and one is between jobs and one is in grad school and working as a barista and lives at home and they met last summer?

HUGE difference here. I was 25 when I became surprise pregnant. I considered all options. But we had been together for a while and got married. That baby is headed to college next year and my husband is a pretty good husband and dad. I have friends who could not have swung this. So it really depends.

OP here

son is 27 and I think she's the same (but am not sure, it's mostly same)

I think they've got some days ahead of them where they will be sorting things out for themselves

I am intentionally not getting emotionally involved because it's not my choice about anything that happens in the next week

I'm just hovering here on dcum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound like fools and careless if they both don't know how far along she is. She knows. She's not being truthful.

I know a woman who did this to her boyfriend. She was really beautiful so he married her.
They went on to have a few more kids but divorced very quickly. I'd say the marriage lasted about 5 years.
She was really crazy though and it was a volatile marriage. Everyone wondered why he would marry someone who trapped him like that.

If she purposefully got pregnant, that is a huge red flag about her personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We got married in our mid 20's, moved to another country for career, had kids, built a life, bought a home, all that without any support network.

WOW YOU'RE SO COOL!!!!!!!

I meant to say mud 20's aren't that young, naive useless as many people assume.

[Anonymous]

*mid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got married in our mid 20's, moved to another country for career, had kids, built a life, bought a home, all that without any support network.

+1

We starting dating at 15,got engaged at 19, and married at 21, right after college. We bought our first house and had our first baby at 22, followed by our second at 24. While still in our 20s, we focused on building our careers and raising four kids. Now, at 47, our eldest daughter is 25, a PhD student, engaged, & we’re planning her wedding.