Dislike DS’s GF

[Anonymous]

What's more concerning is that GF never lived on her own in a dorm, in an apartment or with roommates.

Its no walk in the park to singlehandedly run a household and provide full time care of young children on a limited budget.

[Anonymous]

Anyways, OP's kid is an independent adult so OP can't force her right or wrong fears on who he marries. For all we know, in 10 years she becomes a very dedicated professional and OP is complaining that DIL doesn't pay attention to home and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she has no job is a huge red flag. If she was living with her parents to save money while working, that would be fine. But the lack of a job is not okay. I would aboslutely talk to my son about the red flags if he can't seem to see them.

I agree. There are quite a fraction of young women like that these days. A couple of my sons' high earning friends have girlfriends used to work and now quit. I actually worry more about the girls. I guess they still have the skills to get a tech job if they break up.

[Anonymous]

Given where the country is going any debate that chooses not to work is a dam fool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying in mom's basement at 24 with no job sounds like a loser or someone with mental health issues. In either case I would not want my DD with a career and bright future to be saddled with dead beat BF. (I know I reversed genders to make it more relatable)

Yes, I would be more worried about mental health issues. Being a single earner is a lot of pressure, taking care of someone with mental health issues on top of that is a guarantee for hard life. I can see why OP is worried about her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 24, our second boy out of four, and our fifth is a girl. He’s been dating a girl who is the same age that he met online almost a year ago and she is a sweet and very attractive young lady, rather introverted, but she doesn’t have any ambition or drive.

She doesn’t have a job and she lives with her parents. She did attend and did graduate from our in state university that’s ranked well (as a commuter) majoring in something art related while living at home. My son graduated in 2023 from CMU with a degree in Computer Science and landed an amazing job later that year and has his own apartment and lives alone. He is a very extroverted, and bright. She spends most of the time hanging out at his house waiting for him to get off work and he has recently told me that she wants to move in with him.

DS has said she doesn’t plan to work but he told me that they want to get married in the future, but, considering her future plans, I’m not sure I want them to get married. Is there anything I can say or do to discourage marriage atleast for now or do I just let DS come to his own senses? How can I tak to my son about this ?

You seem really judgmental and kinda sexist against women, OP.

What? Women literally walked out of the house to get jobs so they don't depend on men not having a mid life crisis and leave them with nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either you were a SAHM or your 5 kids were raised by daycare/nannies. Sounds like your son either wants a SAHM too or wants his kids raised differently. How is she as a person? How does she treat your son?

This. That’s all that matters. They might be about that tradwife life. If they are both on board, and she is a good person who treats him well - then mazel tov!

^ This is a valid point. For all OP knows, this may be exactly what her son wants - a wife who doesn't have any interest in working and who essentially waits for his return from the office every day. Add in some kids and they may see that as the perfect marriage.

In any case, OP, you don't have any control over this. None. If your son approaches you and asks your opinion be honest with him. But otherwise it's not your decision to make or try and influence.

FWIW I have a relative with a university degree and a high-paying professional career who married someone who didn't even have a GED, worked in retail and lived in the spare room of a relative. They married within a year of meeting and began having kids right away (now working on #5) and claim to be blissfully happy. So be it. To each their own. (FWIW, the person with the career is the woman and the man worked retail.)

True, OP should find out from her son what their plan is if worried. I would be more worried if I was the girl's parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with a woman taking on a traditional role and being a housewife who makes babies. My wife is a SAHM. We’re fortunate that I make enough money to support us without her needing to work making someone else rich and instead spends time with our children.

But your wife is totally dependent on you. If you want a divorce, she will have to find a job. It would be harder if she never worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 24, our second boy out of four, and our fifth is a girl. He’s been dating a girl who is the same age that he met online almost a year ago and she is a sweet and very attractive young lady, rather introverted, but she doesn’t have any ambition or drive.

She doesn’t have a job and she lives with her parents. She did attend and did graduate from our in state university that’s ranked well (as a commuter) majoring in something art related while living at home. My son graduated in 2023 from CMU with a degree in Computer Science and landed an amazing job later that year and has his own apartment and lives alone. He is a very extroverted, and bright. She spends most of the time hanging out at his house waiting for him to get off work and he has recently told me that she wants to move in with him.

DS has said she doesn’t plan to work but he told me that they want to get married in the future, but, considering her future plans, I’m not sure I want them to get married. Is there anything I can say or do to discourage marriage atleast for now or do I just let DS come to his own senses? How can I tak to my son about this ?

What's the problem, that she doesn't want to wage slave?
Just be sure he gets an air tight pre-nup in his favor and it will all be good.

Pre-nup for a CS major? Won't need one unless DS is planning on starting a company.

I know several already having more than 1 million in cash and stocks after working for 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I did go to university and had a career, but we did have a nanny and as our kids became teens, my husband started traveling for work more so I stayed home.

I guess I titled this wrong, I don’t dislike her, just the future plan and how she isn’t as into a career as my son is. I also think he’s too young right now for marriage. As a girlfriend, my son has no complaints about her though. And as a person, she is decent

Not your life. Not your decision. Your children are not extensions of you. You want the best for him, but interrogate if you think the best for him means some version of young you. If so, your reaction may be as much about you feeling like he’s rejecting your values and his upbringing as it is about whatever else is making you uncomfortable.

I generally think most people benefit from marrying in their late 20s or early 30s for maturity and financial reasons. That said, if he gets married early and gets divorced he will be ok. You can’t protect him from everything! He is who he is!

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, is she at least respectful of your son and what he brings to her life?

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to him about whether he sees this being long-term? Find out from him what he wants from a partner. Explain that the 20s are for growing as individuals and figuring yourself out. Ask him if all she’s going to do is hang around the apartment, not contributing and not doing anything, does she bring enough to the table for him? What does she do all day? Encourage him to have some serious discussions with her before she moves in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with a woman taking on a traditional role and being a housewife who makes babies. My wife is a SAHM. We’re fortunate that I make enough money to support us without her needing to work making someone else rich and instead spends time with our children.

But your wife is totally dependent on you. If you want a divorce, she will have to find a job. It would be harder if she never worked.

Some of you have some serious issues.

[Anonymous]

OP-any update?

[Anonymous]

I'd be a bit concerned about it-- it could be better but it could also be much worse. She sounds nice enough and smart enough. I would gently let him know that if he is considering marrying her, that the burden of paying for everything may very well always be on him. Go over with him how much a mortgage costs, kids costs, daycare costs. I would encourage him to live with her for a few years and experience paying for everything before committing. He may decide on his own that it's not worth it. It sounds like there's some underlying mental health issues with her that you're possibly picking up on. It could definitely be much worse though so if he ends up with her, I wouldn't be shedding tears over it