Dislike DS’s GF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 24, our second boy out of four, and our fifth is a girl. He’s been dating a girl who is the same age that he met online almost a year ago and she is a sweet and very attractive young lady, rather introverted, but she doesn’t have any ambition or drive.

She doesn’t have a job and she lives with her parents. She did attend and did graduate from our in state university that’s ranked well (as a commuter) majoring in something art related while living at home. My son graduated in 2023 from CMU with a degree in Computer Science and landed an amazing job later that year and has his own apartment and lives alone. He is a very extroverted, and bright. She spends most of the time hanging out at his house waiting for him to get off work and he has recently told me that she wants to move in with him.

DS has said she doesn’t plan to work but he told me that they want to get married in the future, but, considering her future plans, I’m not sure I want them to get married. Is there anything I can say or do to discourage marriage atleast for now or do I just let DS come to his own senses? How can I tak to my son about this ?

No. There is nothing you can do and it wouldn’t be appropriate in any case.

And shame on you.

[Anonymous]

I do worry someone who's lived with her parents and never worked doesn't know how to take care of herself at all. Like even a SAHM should understand budgets, home maintenance and such. And other things like, does she do a full share of chores, actually know how to shop, budget, meal plan and cook?

Look I think any adult, male or female, should have these skills, but if her plan is to be a housewife/sahm, she needs to really pull her weight on these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I did go to university and had a career, but we did have a nanny and as our kids became teens, my husband started traveling for work more so I stayed home.

I guess I titled this wrong, I don’t dislike her, just the future plan and how she isn’t as into a career as my son is. I also think he’s too young right now for marriage. As a girlfriend, my son has no complaints about her though. And as a person, she is decent

Troll. I highly doubt a gen Xer worked full time with 5 kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m shocked at these responses. I think she’s a giant red flag, too. And I’m a stay at home mom! But before that I had a career. Now I run our home like it’s my job. Staying home with kids and a house is NOT the same as her staying at home now.
But not much you can do, other than maybe ask once if she has any thoughts on a job before kids. But just once and you have to ask happy and supportive whatever the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m shocked at these responses. I think she’s a giant red flag, too. And I’m a stay at home mom! But before that I had a career. Now I run our home like it’s my job. Staying home with kids and a house is NOT the same as her staying at home now.
But not much you can do, other than maybe ask once if she has any thoughts on a job before kids. But just once and you have to ask happy and supportive whatever the answer.

Maybe his Mom is super intense and he's not into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's an adult, he knows who she is. It's definitely not someone I'd want to marry, but she's being honest about herself with him so it's not like he's being duped.

Ultimately speaking against her is very likely to backfire on you.

I was pretty dumb at 24 in terms of knowing what I wanted! I wanted guys who weren’t scary to me which meant they were not too ambitious and most importantly didn’t want to move away from our small town. I am glad I didn’t end up with one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 24, our second boy out of four, and our fifth is a girl. He’s been dating a girl who is the same age that he met online almost a year ago and she is a sweet and very attractive young lady, rather introverted, but she doesn’t have any ambition or drive.

She doesn’t have a job and she lives with her parents. She did attend and did graduate from our in state university that’s ranked well (as a commuter) majoring in something art related while living at home. My son graduated in 2023 from CMU with a degree in Computer Science and landed an amazing job later that year and has his own apartment and lives alone. He is a very extroverted, and bright. She spends most of the time hanging out at his house waiting for him to get off work and he has recently told me that she wants to move in with him.

DS has said she doesn’t plan to work but he told me that they want to get married in the future, but, considering her future plans, I’m not sure I want them to get married. Is there anything I can say or do to discourage marriage atleast for now or do I just let DS come to his own senses? How can I tak to my son about this ?

Personally I am fine with my kids having a SAHM so I don't really see the issue. At least she went to college. I don't think there is anything to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 24, our second boy out of four, and our fifth is a girl. He’s been dating a girl who is the same age that he met online almost a year ago and she is a sweet and very attractive young lady, rather introverted, but she doesn’t have any ambition or drive.

She doesn’t have a job and she lives with her parents. She did attend and did graduate from our in state university that’s ranked well (as a commuter) majoring in something art related while living at home. My son graduated in 2023 from CMU with a degree in Computer Science and landed an amazing job later that year and has his own apartment and lives alone. He is a very extroverted, and bright. She spends most of the time hanging out at his house waiting for him to get off work and he has recently told me that she wants to move in with him.

DS has said she doesn’t plan to work but he told me that they want to get married in the future, but, considering her future plans, I’m not sure I want them to get married. Is there anything I can say or do to discourage marriage atleast for now or do I just let DS come to his own senses? How can I tak to my son about this ?

Personally I am fine with my kids having a SAHM so I don't really see the issue. At least she went to college. I don't think there is anything to say.

^ sorry I meant grandkids haha

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s not always great when two ambitious people marry esp for the guy. If she is good looking and is not child free, doesn’t have significant mental health issues and is not too sickly or egoistic to be a mom, this is a great match imho. You’ll have grandkids who won’t be pawned off on daycares, and who won’t have old parents! It’s a great thing these days

[Anonymous]

Did you raise your son in a religious home? Well, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Don't come crying now. Of course you will never admit this.

[Anonymous]

Look at the forum name you posted in. Pay close attention to the first word. Now zip it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 24, our second boy out of four, and our fifth is a girl. He’s been dating a girl who is the same age that he met online almost a year ago and she is a sweet and very attractive young lady, rather introverted, but she doesn’t have any ambition or drive.

She doesn’t have a job and she lives with her parents. She did attend and did graduate from our in state university that’s ranked well (as a commuter) majoring in something art related while living at home. My son graduated in 2023 from CMU with a degree in Computer Science and landed an amazing job later that year and has his own apartment and lives alone. He is a very extroverted, and bright. She spends most of the time hanging out at his house waiting for him to get off work and he has recently told me that she wants to move in with him.

DS has said she doesn’t plan to work but he told me that they want to get married in the future, but, considering her future plans, I’m not sure I want them to get married. Is there anything I can say or do to discourage marriage atleast for now or do I just let DS come to his own senses? How can I tak to my son about this ?

Your son is an adult so your feelings on this don't matter. If you no longer want a relationship with your son than by all means tell him how unsuitable his girlfriend is! I can predict estrangement is in your future but you be confuse as to why your son and dil don't want you in their lives

[Anonymous]

I would ask her lots of questions about what she plans to do for a career, for work etc. What's she interested in, get curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do worry someone who's lived with her parents and never worked doesn't know how to take care of herself at all. Like even a SAHM should understand budgets, home maintenance and such. And other things like, does she do a full share of chores, actually know how to shop, budget, meal plan and cook?

Look I think any adult, male or female, should have these skills, but if her plan is to be a housewife/sahm, she needs to really pull her weight on these issues.

I know quite a few women of my generation (40-50 yo now) who went straight into their husbands’ houses but it was not in the U.S.
for some of them it was an adjustment but they mostly did fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do worry someone who's lived with her parents and never worked doesn't know how to take care of herself at all. Like even a SAHM should understand budgets, home maintenance and such. And other things like, does she do a full share of chores, actually know how to shop, budget, meal plan and cook?

Look I think any adult, male or female, should have these skills, but if her plan is to be a housewife/sahm, she needs to really pull her weight on these issues.

I know quite a few women of my generation (40-50 yo now) who went straight into their husbands’ houses but it was not in the U.S.
for some of them it was an adjustment but they mostly did fine

I mean, sure one of my grandmothers got married at 18, but her parents owned a farm. Of course she knew how to cook and take care of things. Whereas I met plenty of people in college in the 2000s who didn't know how to cook or do their laundry. I'd say it's much more likely a 24 year old today who's never left home doesn't know how to cook or take care of a house.

And my grandmothers in the 1940s both had jobs before they got married. This woman appears to have never had a job.