Teen and custody

[Anonymous]

At 15, kids get a say. If kid doesn't like the current custody schedule, you need to come up with something new. Kids change. Your teen is telling you both that the current plan is not working. Instead of forcing the issue, come up with something better. Maybe dinner with one parent a few times a week is all kid can handle right now. The goal of custody arrangements is to ensure the child's interests are being met, not he parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 15, kids get a say. If kid doesn't like the current custody schedule, you need to come up with something new. Kids change. Your teen is telling you both that the current plan is not working. Instead of forcing the issue, come up with something better. Maybe dinner with one parent a few times a week is all kid can handle right now. The goal of custody arrangements is to ensure the child's interests are being met, not he parents.

Dinner is not parenting.

[Anonymous]

I was that teen wanting to live with my father. He took it back to the courts, I met with the judge, and judge decided in my favor. I was 16. It actually helped my relationship with my mother by not living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teen is right. Nobody would want that kind of commute and nobody would want to miss out on all friend activities every other weekend.

Dad is not parenting appropriately for the age of the child, and choices have consequences.

I would ask the court to modify the custody agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From follow-up post from OP:

“The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend.”

This parent wasn’t forced to relocate for work; they’re still in the same city. Inviting friends to stay doesn’t sound like an option because this parent wants their teen’s time and attention to him/herself.

This issue is also bigger than the longer commute to school from this parent’s house and not getting to see friends on the weekends. Teen isn’t getting along with this parent, even though they are a loving parent. The problem isn’t even that teen sees this parent as too strict; OP says both households are equally strict. Teen just feels misunderstood and dismissed by this parent. These are not issues the other parent can fix, although, of course, they should do what they can to facilitate the relationship between teen and this parent.

My divorce attorney says we parents can make any agreement we want, but teenagers will vote with their feet. Both parents forcing teen to spend half their time somewhere they don’t want to be, with a longer school commute and no friends on the weekends, will only damage the teen’s relationship with both parents. Parent who moved further away and doesn’t want teen to hang out with friends on the weekends needs to offer more flexibility. If they make everything their way or the highway, teen will choose the highway.

OP need to offer flexibility and a reasonable arrangment. They are using friends, etc. as an excuse to damage the relationship with Dad and that's not ok. Friends don't come before parents. Terrible parenting. Maybe they moved where they could afford given child support and extras. It sounds like OP is setting this up for her needs. Or, its fake.

At 15? They sure as hell do.

OP, with the circumstances you’ve described and the age of the teenager, you have an excellent case to get custody modified to include the preference of the teen. Pursue it.

And no, weird obsessive PP, I’m not OP, not a sock puppet and this is my first comment in this thread. Ask Jeff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make it clear to my teen that he needs to make it work. 1) this won't be the last time he has to deal with difficult personalities 2) he needs college to be paid for 3) he will someday get to control the relationship. For now, he deals with it.

Couldn't it also be if 1) sometimes family can be hard to deal with but we try to figure out a way because we love one another and support each other 2) parent is making a financial commitment to better their kids' lives and that shouldn't be dismissed 3) relationships should not be based on controlling one another but by mutual affection and trust

Oh wow. Doing the bare legally required minimum so they don’t go to jail. Let’s throw them a parade. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Why did the dad move to the other side of the city? The teen has to bear ALL the burden of that: longer school commute, longer commute to friends and activities. What burden is the dad bearing as a result of deciding to move?

Why don’t divorcing parents move heaven and earth to live close enough so kids can easily and conveniently shuttle between houses?

My guess is OP’s house feels like warmth and family and not so much an intense 1-on1, which some teens don’t like. If the dad would chill out and let the kid spend some weekend time with his friends, their relationship might be better. That said, the dad WANTS a relationship and that’s important too.

OP, is family therapy an option for dad and son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From follow-up post from OP:

“The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend.”

This parent wasn’t forced to relocate for work; they’re still in the same city. Inviting friends to stay doesn’t sound like an option because this parent wants their teen’s time and attention to him/herself.

This issue is also bigger than the longer commute to school from this parent’s house and not getting to see friends on the weekends. Teen isn’t getting along with this parent, even though they are a loving parent. The problem isn’t even that teen sees this parent as too strict; OP says both households are equally strict. Teen just feels misunderstood and dismissed by this parent. These are not issues the other parent can fix, although, of course, they should do what they can to facilitate the relationship between teen and this parent.

My divorce attorney says we parents can make any agreement we want, but teenagers will vote with their feet. Both parents forcing teen to spend half their time somewhere they don’t want to be, with a longer school commute and no friends on the weekends, will only damage the teen’s relationship with both parents. Parent who moved further away and doesn’t want teen to hang out with friends on the weekends needs to offer more flexibility. If they make everything their way or the highway, teen will choose the highway.

OP need to offer flexibility and a reasonable arrangment. They are using friends, etc. as an excuse to damage the relationship with Dad and that's not ok. Friends don't come before parents. Terrible parenting. Maybe they moved where they could afford given child support and extras. It sounds like OP is setting this up for her needs. Or, its fake.

At 15? They sure as hell do.

OP, with the circumstances you’ve described and the age of the teenager, you have an excellent case to get custody modified to include the preference of the teen. Pursue it.

And no, weird obsessive PP, I’m not OP, not a sock puppet and this is my first comment in this thread. Ask Jeff.

Then, give up your time as it’s not important so dad can have his time. But, thank goodness my teen still like to spend time with us and finds a balance. If your teens prefer not to be with you, try changing your relationship as teens still need their parents.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the same situation but it was more convenient for everyone if the kid and later teen spent only weekend and some vacation time at dad’s. I promised not to go to court over it modified schedule if dad would just allow to do what was logical, and he did.

Is dad the type to go to court over stuff like this? If not, I’d just suggest that moving contributed to this new situation and that you don’t take sides but you can understand why the teen wants what they want, and leave it to dad to deal with it. If he is litigious, maybe go to court before he does.

[Anonymous]

Op here, just saw this thread pop back up!

Teen is a boy. It was mom that moved across the city, not dad and it was mom that teen didn't want to spend time with. He wanted to be at our house. He is very close to his dad and his younger sibling and his pets.

When teen turned 16 mom gave up trying to get him to stick the schedule and told him to do whatever he wants. So for the last few months he has mostly stayed with us but now actually chooses to go and visit her. Since he has control and can leave when he wants, he doesn't mind visiting now and their relationship has improved without the battling over custody. They text more often and she will call to meet him for dinner during the week on her way home from work and he will bus over for a few hours on the weekend etc. He spends less time with her but their time together is much more enjoyable and thankfully he seems keen to rebuild that relationship on his terms.

We haven't changed anything legally or in the paperwork but it seems to be working itself out for now.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that. Learn from my mistakes.

At this point, the courts are so backlogged that any real determination won't occur for at least a year. At that point, the child (16) is seen as having 80%+ authority over the determination.

Play into this. Don't file, let douchebag file, then postpone, do bare minimum etc

Don't force kid to go over....and in due time this will be easily and affordably resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, just saw this thread pop back up!

Teen is a boy. It was mom that moved across the city, not dad and it was mom that teen didn't want to spend time with. He wanted to be at our house. He is very close to his dad and his younger sibling and his pets.

When teen turned 16 mom gave up trying to get him to stick the schedule and told him to do whatever he wants. So for the last few months he has mostly stayed with us but now actually chooses to go and visit her. Since he has control and can leave when he wants, he doesn't mind visiting now and their relationship has improved without the battling over custody. They text more often and she will call to meet him for dinner during the week on her way home from work and he will bus over for a few hours on the weekend etc. He spends less time with her but their time together is much more enjoyable and thankfully he seems keen to rebuild that relationship on his terms.

We haven't changed anything legally or in the paperwork but it seems to be working itself out for now.

You are giving this kid too much power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that. Learn from my mistakes.

At this point, the courts are so backlogged that any real determination won't occur for at least a year. At that point, the child (16) is seen as having 80%+ authority over the determination.

Play into this. Don't file, let douchebag file, then postpone, do bare minimum etc

Don't force kid to go over....and in due time this will be easily and affordably resolved.

It’s easy for you to say that when you are cutting out the other parent partly for your wants. Imagine being the cut out parent. I hope if you cut out the other parent the don’t fund anything after 18 as why should they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, just saw this thread pop back up!

Teen is a boy. It was mom that moved across the city, not dad and it was mom that teen didn't want to spend time with. He wanted to be at our house. He is very close to his dad and his younger sibling and his pets.

When teen turned 16 mom gave up trying to get him to stick the schedule and told him to do whatever he wants. So for the last few months he has mostly stayed with us but now actually chooses to go and visit her. Since he has control and can leave when he wants, he doesn't mind visiting now and their relationship has improved without the battling over custody. They text more often and she will call to meet him for dinner during the week on her way home from work and he will bus over for a few hours on the weekend etc. He spends less time with her but their time together is much more enjoyable and thankfully he seems keen to rebuild that relationship on his terms.

We haven't changed anything legally or in the paperwork but it seems to be working itself out for now.

You are giving this kid too much power.

Nope, this is exactly the situation the court wants to see. The “child” is now a teen who should be pulling away from both parents to start establishing independence.