Teen and custody

[Anonymous]

I let my kid do whatever. I didn't take the kid wanting to go and be in one house only personally all.How do I make a 15-year old come to my home if they don't want to.
We have a great relationship. We always did. They know I'm way more flexible.
I did take crap from the other parent how the kid didn't love me yada-yada, but I knew better. Now the kid is 18 and old enough to tell that parent to shut the f off.
Leave the kid alone. The kid will be 18 soon. It's coming back to bite you.

[Anonymous]

50/50 is terrible arrangement for teens. It may have worked fine with a 3-yr old but it doesn't work for most teens. They want to have a home base where they spend most of their time and then visit with the other parent. Forcing an unwilling teen to go to the other parent's house when they don't want to and to forego spending time with friends because they have to spend that time with the parent is a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Is this teen going to start driving soon? Could you work with other parent to make sure that once they're driving it's easier to go back and forth?

It's hard when transportation is limited, but that doesn't last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At age 15 the teen's request should be honored.

+1000

Listen and honor this child. If you force them, they may end up in an unsafe situation, runaway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50/50 is terrible arrangement for teens. It may have worked fine with a 3-yr old but it doesn't work for most teens. They want to have a home base where they spend most of their time and then visit with the other parent. Forcing an unwilling teen to go to the other parent's house when they don't want to and to forego spending time with friends because they have to spend that time with the parent is a recipe for disaster.

50/50 is terrible at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

In this case, the teen's concerns seem reasonable and I'm not sure why dad would try to force the issue if dad moved far away. The best solution is probably to let teens do what they want and, if it's stay with mom who lives near school and friends, encourage dad to visit often for dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

Good advice. My kid spent last weekend with his friend at his friend's dad's house that is ~ an hour away. The dad took them to a college football game while they were there. It seemed like an example of how a dad made special accommodations to see his kid and respect his kid's need to maintain friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

It just doesn't seem reasonable for you to put this responsibility on OP. OP's ex has made bad parenting choices. He's basically grounding the kid every other weekend, and also making the kid waste an hour or more per day on the bus. OP's ex is an adult and can deal with the consequences of his bad parenting choices. It isn't OP's responsibility or problem to fix this, or to coerce her child to tolerate the bad parenting choices of the other parent. Because the other parent is an adult and should take responsibility for himself.

Really, what do you expect OP to do about it if the kid leaves the other parent's house? How would OP even know it has happened? What's she going to do, wrestle him into a 5-point car seat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

It just doesn't seem reasonable for you to put this responsibility on OP. OP's ex has made bad parenting choices. He's basically grounding the kid every other weekend, and also making the kid waste an hour or more per day on the bus. OP's ex is an adult and can deal with the consequences of his bad parenting choices. It isn't OP's responsibility or problem to fix this, or to coerce her child to tolerate the bad parenting choices of the other parent. Because the other parent is an adult and should take responsibility for himself.

Really, what do you expect OP to do about it if the kid leaves the other parent's house? How would OP even know it has happened? What's she going to do, wrestle him into a 5-point car seat?

To be safe, she should document in writing that she encouraged him to return to dad's house, like in a text or email, as a CYA. That's all she needs to do. No one expects her to wrestle her 15-year-old son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

It just doesn't seem reasonable for you to put this responsibility on OP. OP's ex has made bad parenting choices. He's basically grounding the kid every other weekend, and also making the kid waste an hour or more per day on the bus. OP's ex is an adult and can deal with the consequences of his bad parenting choices. It isn't OP's responsibility or problem to fix this, or to coerce her child to tolerate the bad parenting choices of the other parent. Because the other parent is an adult and should take responsibility for himself.

Really, what do you expect OP to do about it if the kid leaves the other parent's house? How would OP even know it has happened? What's she going to do, wrestle him into a 5-point car seat?

To be safe, she should document in writing that she encouraged him to return to dad's house, like in a text or email, as a CYA. That's all she needs to do. No one expects her to wrestle her 15-year-old son.

Yup. Just text him "Larlo, it's important that you spend time with your father. The judge says you have to, and he is your father. So be sure to spend time with your father. Sincerely, your mom."

And then it's his father's job to repair the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

It just doesn't seem reasonable for you to put this responsibility on OP. OP's ex has made bad parenting choices. He's basically grounding the kid every other weekend, and also making the kid waste an hour or more per day on the bus. OP's ex is an adult and can deal with the consequences of his bad parenting choices. It isn't OP's responsibility or problem to fix this, or to coerce her child to tolerate the bad parenting choices of the other parent. Because the other parent is an adult and should take responsibility for himself.

Really, what do you expect OP to do about it if the kid leaves the other parent's house? How would OP even know it has happened? What's she going to do, wrestle him into a 5-point car seat?

This is so ridiculous it's almost stupid to answer it. It is probably OP sock-puppeting...

But I'll bite. Nowhere has OP stated that her ex has made bad parenting choices nor are they a bad parent, period. In fact, OP identified right up front that the teen and other parent have a loving relationship.

Perhaps you don't work so you don't understand what it means if an employer tells you to either relocate or lose your job. The job that is probably helping provide for the teen, BTW.

If the teen says they are going to leave the other parent's house, OP should tell the teen they have a choice: Either stay and spend time with other parent, or if they return back to OP then they WILL be grounded and will not be going out with friends at "home" either.

Choices equal consequences. A 15 year old it not too young to learn that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

It just doesn't seem reasonable for you to put this responsibility on OP. OP's ex has made bad parenting choices. He's basically grounding the kid every other weekend, and also making the kid waste an hour or more per day on the bus. OP's ex is an adult and can deal with the consequences of his bad parenting choices. It isn't OP's responsibility or problem to fix this, or to coerce her child to tolerate the bad parenting choices of the other parent. Because the other parent is an adult and should take responsibility for himself.

Really, what do you expect OP to do about it if the kid leaves the other parent's house? How would OP even know it has happened? What's she going to do, wrestle him into a 5-point car seat?

This is so ridiculous it's almost stupid to answer it. It is probably OP sock-puppeting...

But I'll bite. Nowhere has OP stated that her ex has made bad parenting choices nor are they a bad parent, period. In fact, OP identified right up front that the teen and other parent have a loving relationship.

Perhaps you don't work so you don't understand what it means if an employer tells you to either relocate or lose your job. The job that is probably helping provide for the teen, BTW.

If the teen says they are going to leave the other parent's house, OP should tell the teen they have a choice: Either stay and spend time with other parent, or if they return back to OP then they WILL be grounded and will not be going out with friends at "home" either.

Choices equal consequences. A 15 year old it not too young to learn that.

Banning a teenager from seeing friends every other weekend is inherently a bad parenting choice. It's not age-appropriate, and it's unrealistic. This is the father's choice, and choices equal consequences. He has chosen to damage his relationship by doing this.

OP never said her ex had no choice but to move so far away. A better parent might have stayed nearer and taken the bad commute on himself, rather than forcing it on his child. Bad parenting choice.

It's not OP's job to punish her child into wanting to spend time with his father. That's not how relationships work. We can't punish or coerce people into loving anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

It just doesn't seem reasonable for you to put this responsibility on OP. OP's ex has made bad parenting choices. He's basically grounding the kid every other weekend, and also making the kid waste an hour or more per day on the bus. OP's ex is an adult and can deal with the consequences of his bad parenting choices. It isn't OP's responsibility or problem to fix this, or to coerce her child to tolerate the bad parenting choices of the other parent. Because the other parent is an adult and should take responsibility for himself.

Really, what do you expect OP to do about it if the kid leaves the other parent's house? How would OP even know it has happened? What's she going to do, wrestle him into a 5-point car seat?

This is so ridiculous it's almost stupid to answer it. It is probably OP sock-puppeting...

But I'll bite. Nowhere has OP stated that her ex has made bad parenting choices nor are they a bad parent, period. In fact, OP identified right up front that the teen and other parent have a loving relationship.

Perhaps you don't work so you don't understand what it means if an employer tells you to either relocate or lose your job. The job that is probably helping provide for the teen, BTW.

If the teen says they are going to leave the other parent's house, OP should tell the teen they have a choice: Either stay and spend time with other parent, or if they return back to OP then they WILL be grounded and will not be going out with friends at "home" either.

Choices equal consequences. A 15 year old it not too young to learn that.

Would that work, though? Would OP's ex be satisfied if his son were successfully coerced into spending time with him, and lied and said he didn't want to see his friends? Lied and said an hour's commute was no big deal? That doesn't seem like the kind of parent-child relationship any psychologically healthy adult would want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

It just doesn't seem reasonable for you to put this responsibility on OP. OP's ex has made bad parenting choices. He's basically grounding the kid every other weekend, and also making the kid waste an hour or more per day on the bus. OP's ex is an adult and can deal with the consequences of his bad parenting choices. It isn't OP's responsibility or problem to fix this, or to coerce her child to tolerate the bad parenting choices of the other parent. Because the other parent is an adult and should take responsibility for himself.

Really, what do you expect OP to do about it if the kid leaves the other parent's house? How would OP even know it has happened? What's she going to do, wrestle him into a 5-point car seat?

This is so ridiculous it's almost stupid to answer it. It is probably OP sock-puppeting...

But I'll bite. Nowhere has OP stated that her ex has made bad parenting choices nor are they a bad parent, period. In fact, OP identified right up front that the teen and other parent have a loving relationship.

Perhaps you don't work so you don't understand what it means if an employer tells you to either relocate or lose your job. The job that is probably helping provide for the teen, BTW.

If the teen says they are going to leave the other parent's house, OP should tell the teen they have a choice: Either stay and spend time with other parent, or if they return back to OP then they WILL be grounded and will not be going out with friends at "home" either.

Choices equal consequences. A 15 year old it not too young to learn that.

You are being ridiculous and making up all sorts of assumptions- that the phyiscally distant parent had to move for work. YOU have twisted the narrative to fit your vision, and are suggesting imposing punative punishment on a 15 year old who wants to spend time with friends and, as is age appropriate, develop friendships and activities that aren't parent reliant.

Furthermore, you've injected the idea of sock puppeting because you cannot conceive of another perspective. I'm brand new to this thread, btw. Just hate how you've put all the responsibility on the OP and none on the other parent. perhaps the other parent needs to develop some skills of compromising.