Teen and custody

[Anonymous]

Teen is 15, parents have had 50/50 custody since child was 3. Over the last few years, teens relationship with one parent has deteriorated. Teen has now decided they no longer wish to spend every other week with that parent and says all they will do is one weekend a month. Teen insists they will just leave on public transportation if they are made to go to that parent’s house (has done this the last two times they were there). Parent with difficult relationship is not interested in altering custody and feels there should be tough love and teen forced to go as per court agreement.

Teen has realized they are old enough to have some power in this and are now trying to see their own custody schedule. Refusing to go and leaving if made to go.

Not really sure how to proceed here. Only 3 years until teen is 18. Not sure court would mandate a change given all is the same except for increasing conflict in a teen-parent relationship.

[Anonymous]

It is hard. I was that teen and my parents allowed me to choose.

How does tough love parent plan on doing the forcing? Because that's where the rubber meets the road, isn't it? What is this person willing to do to coerce their child, and how do they think it will play out?

[Anonymous]

At age 15 the teen's request should be honored.

[Anonymous]

Is the other parent willing to work on the relationship? A family therapist may be able to help, but I think both parents need to be on board with trying to mend the relationship.

[Anonymous]

What are the teen’s reasons and what has the “primary” parent done to encourage the teen’s relationship with the other parent?

Is the teen just tired of living out of a backpack? How has the “primary” parent been encouraging and/or incentivizing the child to make this decision?

I would consider it through this lens: if the roles were swapped and the teen said he only wanted to be with the “primary” parent one weekend a month, how would the “primary” parent react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the teen’s reasons and what has the “primary” parent done to encourage the teen’s relationship with the other parent?

Is the teen just tired of living out of a backpack? How has the “primary” parent been encouraging and/or incentivizing the child to make this decision?

I would consider it through this lens: if the roles were swapped and the teen said he only wanted to be with the “primary” parent one weekend a month, how would the “primary” parent react?

Why are you putting the word “primary” in quotes. It’s not a word anyone else used because it doesn’t apply here. Who are you quoting?

[Anonymous]

Tell me more. Does the teen have room at dad’s house? What exactly caused the relationship to break down?

[Anonymous]

We were in that situation. Dad pretty much allowed free rein, Mom (and stepdad) had structure. Teen refused to go to Mom’s house, and Dad didn’t want to get involved, so Teen saw Mom once a month, and for about five-ten days in the summer.

Then Dad got remarried, and new wife imposed similar structure to Mom. Teen (at that point a college student) moved out. Dad bankrolled him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the teen’s reasons and what has the “primary” parent done to encourage the teen’s relationship with the other parent?

Is the teen just tired of living out of a backpack? How has the “primary” parent been encouraging and/or incentivizing the child to make this decision?

I would consider it through this lens: if the roles were swapped and the teen said he only wanted to be with the “primary” parent one weekend a month, how would the “primary” parent react?

Why are you putting the word “primary” in quotes. It’s not a word anyone else used because it doesn’t apply here. Who are you quoting?

Because they are currently 50/50, and I am distinguishing the one who is potentially gaining custody from the one who is potentially losing custody.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the other parent and the child to figure it out and I would stay out of it as much as possible. Unless there’s something seriously wrong of course.

[Anonymous]

Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

Teens concerns seem.legit. Maybe they can compromise. Dad will give a ride to school. Friday night is time with Dad. The rest of the weekend is open. Whatever they can agree on