Teen and custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both households I would say are similarly strict / similar rules. Teen has own room and many belongings at both homes. They are loved and well treated at both homes.

The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend. Wants teen to spend weekend with them. Also teen has long bus commute every day to and from school which teen dislikes.

They started to fight and argue around puberty and it has only escalated. Teen feels they aren’t understood, aren’t listened to, don’t have anything in common or anything to talk about, and they end up not speaking to each other and teen stays in their room when at that house. Or as of this month, just leaves and gets on a bus.

At that house it is parent and teen, at our house it is parent, step parent and two siblings and dogs and cats. Teen basically doesn’t want to have two homes anymore. They want to live with us and visit other parent.

OP, you have presented this in a way which makes it seem justifiable for a teen to become a mere visitor in their own parent's life. Your allude that your house is the BEST house, the FUN house, the house that has a COUPLE, even CATS & DOGS, and is home[i] ... the other parent is just in a "house." And it's just that parent alone, which is nowhere near as FUN as it is with you and your new spouse, is it?

Do you know how sad that sounds? Do you know that you are looking for every reason you can to not support visitation? Do you know what parental alienation does to a kid - including teens?

Whether you want to admit it or not you have a scenario where the other parent is becoming, or is, alienated. And you want to put the final stamp on it by telling your teen it's OK not to see that parent on a regular basis. (Which the COURT ruled on, BTW.) That it is OK to just become a visitor.

How would YOU like that? If the situation were reversed and the teen wanted to live with other parent and just visit YOU - you'd be screaming to the heavens, I'm sure.

Teens push limits all the time whether from intact homes or not. They need to learn that some things in life are not flexible simply because "they don't want to." It's up to you to explain why it is important that they continue to do the visitation schedule (as ordered by the court) but most importantly, YOU need to tell them it's because their relationship with their other parent is important and you will do all you can to support that - which means teen goes and visits other parent.

What is the plan to stop teen from leaving the other parent's house, though? OP can blah blah blah about what the court said, and how very important it is to have a relationship with a parent who has CHOSEN to move inconveniently and has unrealistic expectations. But teen will not care. You think that kind of lecture is magic wand that will make the teen comply? Totally unrealistic. Seriously what is your actual advice for the problem of the teen leaving the house?

You are assuming the parent chose to move and you are assuming they have unrealistic expectations. Maybe the parent was forced to move (or be unemployed) by their employer. They also have the right, not just an "unreasonable expectation" to see their child based on what is fair and reasonable.

Reasonable can take many forms:

First, the parent MUST explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with the other parent, even if it sucks sometimes.

Second, both parents and teen should work out a schedule TOGETHER and agree how the visitation will work best for everyone. Maybe it's different days, different blocks of time. Maybe it's meeting at an activity, or inviting friends to visit at the other parent's house.

I think what bothers me about this situation is OP seems to be seeking absolution to just let teen go ahead and stop seeing the other parent. It doesn't appear OP has given much thought or effort into seeking another solution besides cutting out the other parent's visitation.

Sure, that's great for OP because OP isn't the excluded one.

It just doesn't seem reasonable for you to put this responsibility on OP. OP's ex has made bad parenting choices. He's basically grounding the kid every other weekend, and also making the kid waste an hour or more per day on the bus. OP's ex is an adult and can deal with the consequences of his bad parenting choices. It isn't OP's responsibility or problem to fix this, or to coerce her child to tolerate the bad parenting choices of the other parent. Because the other parent is an adult and should take responsibility for himself.

Really, what do you expect OP to do about it if the kid leaves the other parent's house? How would OP even know it has happened? What's she going to do, wrestle him into a 5-point car seat?

This is so ridiculous it's almost stupid to answer it. It is probably OP sock-puppeting...

But I'll bite. Nowhere has OP stated that her ex has made bad parenting choices nor are they a bad parent, period. In fact, OP identified right up front that the teen and other parent have a loving relationship.

Perhaps you don't work so you don't understand what it means if an employer tells you to either relocate or lose your job. The job that is probably helping provide for the teen, BTW.

If the teen says they are going to leave the other parent's house, OP should tell the teen they have a choice: Either stay and spend time with other parent, or if they return back to OP then they WILL be grounded and will not be going out with friends at "home" either.

Choices equal consequences. A 15 year old it not too young to learn that.

Good way to alienate your kid and encourage them to be a runaway.
Bad advice.
The kid has a voice in the matter. Let it be heard.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't there a similar thread about a year ago with a 17 year old?

[Anonymous]

The are following your lead. Stop sabotaging the other parent and uphold the agreement. If they refuse have consequences.

[Anonymous]

From follow-up post from OP:

“The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend.”

This parent wasn’t forced to relocate for work; they’re still in the same city. Inviting friends to stay doesn’t sound like an option because this parent wants their teen’s time and attention to him/herself.

This issue is also bigger than the longer commute to school from this parent’s house and not getting to see friends on the weekends. Teen isn’t getting along with this parent, even though they are a loving parent. The problem isn’t even that teen sees this parent as too strict; OP says both households are equally strict. Teen just feels misunderstood and dismissed by this parent. These are not issues the other parent can fix, although, of course, they should do what they can to facilitate the relationship between teen and this parent.

My divorce attorney says we parents can make any agreement we want, but teenagers will vote with their feet. Both parents forcing teen to spend half their time somewhere they don’t want to be, with a longer school commute and no friends on the weekends, will only damage the teen’s relationship with both parents. Parent who moved further away and doesn’t want teen to hang out with friends on the weekends needs to offer more flexibility. If they make everything their way or the highway, teen will choose the highway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From follow-up post from OP:

“The parent the teen doesn’t want to see moved and is on the other side of the city now quite far from school and friends and isn’t amenable to teen spending a lot of time with friends on the weekend.”

This parent wasn’t forced to relocate for work; they’re still in the same city. Inviting friends to stay doesn’t sound like an option because this parent wants their teen’s time and attention to him/herself.

This issue is also bigger than the longer commute to school from this parent’s house and not getting to see friends on the weekends. Teen isn’t getting along with this parent, even though they are a loving parent. The problem isn’t even that teen sees this parent as too strict; OP says both households are equally strict. Teen just feels misunderstood and dismissed by this parent. These are not issues the other parent can fix, although, of course, they should do what they can to facilitate the relationship between teen and this parent.

My divorce attorney says we parents can make any agreement we want, but teenagers will vote with their feet. Both parents forcing teen to spend half their time somewhere they don’t want to be, with a longer school commute and no friends on the weekends, will only damage the teen’s relationship with both parents. Parent who moved further away and doesn’t want teen to hang out with friends on the weekends needs to offer more flexibility. If they make everything their way or the highway, teen will choose the highway.

OP need to offer flexibility and a reasonable arrangment. They are using friends, etc. as an excuse to damage the relationship with Dad and that's not ok. Friends don't come before parents. Terrible parenting. Maybe they moved where they could afford given child support and extras. It sounds like OP is setting this up for her needs. Or, its fake.

[Anonymous]

I make it clear to my teen that he needs to make it work. 1) this won't be the last time he has to deal with difficult personalities 2) he needs college to be paid for 3) he will someday get to control the relationship. For now, he deals with it.