Unequal inheritance and sibling relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

Does your mom have any insights? Did your stepdad pay for your college etc the same as your half-siblings?

Have not broached with my mom. No, my dad paid for my tuition after high school. Before that, they split it (went to private in middle and high school).

There’s your answer. He thinks it’s your dad’s job to leave an inheritance for you, just like he’s doing for his bio kids.

Yep. The additional context is that he had an affair with my mom, which resulted in a divorce and our moving 1,500 miles away from my dad. Stepdad was a bit of a mess before his marriage to my mom, but got himself together and was a great parent and ended up having a successful career and making a lot of money over the rest of his life. His two bio kids were born when we (the stepkids) were still young and grew up in the same house and we were all treated as children/siblings with one another. We all have the same mom.

My dad died suddenly and tragically a few years ago, and, just as we suspected, his (my dad's) estate was set up perfectly to avoid conflicts, and was generous with my stepsister (not his bio kid and was an older teenager when my dad and stepmom got married)(she got an equal share). Especially in light of my dad's plan, it was surprising to learn that stepdad, despite our presence in his life over about 45 years and the fact that he kind of took another man's family away, did not feel obligated to do more than 1% for each of the stepkids. No one is demanding equal share, but 1% honestly felt even more insulting than getting nothing.

It just really redrew the lines and made clear that he felt zero guilt about how the family even came to be, including what we went through (divorce, conflict, frequent travel to see my dad, etc), and did not feel the need to acknowledge the role that we had in his life (a very stabilizing force) through his final act. Clearly he did what he thought was right/fair, but it's not how I would have handled it (and anyone who knows our family who I have told has expressed shock and dismay over it). All you can do is observe and remind yourself to do what works with your own values. I have some kids in my life who are not my own, but who I have included in my estate plan (nothing like an equal share with my own kids), regardless of other inheritances they might stand to get, to make sure they know they are family in my eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

Does your mom have any insights? Did your stepdad pay for your college etc the same as your half-siblings?

Have not broached with my mom. No, my dad paid for my tuition after high school. Before that, they split it (went to private in middle and high school).

There’s your answer. He thinks it’s your dad’s job to leave an inheritance for you, just like he’s doing for his bio kids.

Yep. The additional context is that he had an affair with my mom, which resulted in a divorce and our moving 1,500 miles away from my dad. Stepdad was a bit of a mess before his marriage to my mom, but got himself together and was a great parent and ended up having a successful career and making a lot of money over the rest of his life. His two bio kids were born when we (the stepkids) were still young and grew up in the same house and we were all treated as children/siblings with one another. We all have the same mom.

My dad died suddenly and tragically a few years ago, and, just as we suspected, his (my dad's) estate was set up perfectly to avoid conflicts, and was generous with my stepsister (not his bio kid and was an older teenager when my dad and stepmom got married)(she got an equal share). Especially in light of my dad's plan, it was surprising to learn that stepdad, despite our presence in his life over about 45 years and the fact that he kind of took another man's family away, did not feel obligated to do more than 1% for each of the stepkids. No one is demanding equal share, but 1% honestly felt even more insulting than getting nothing.

It just really redrew the lines and made clear that he felt zero guilt about how the family even came to be, including what we went through (divorce, conflict, frequent travel to see my dad, etc), and did not feel the need to acknowledge the role that we had in his life (a very stabilizing force) through his final act. Clearly he did what he thought was right/fair, but it's not how I would have handled it (and anyone who knows our family who I have told has expressed shock and dismay over it). All you can do is observe and remind yourself to do what works with your own values. I have some kids in my life who are not my own, but who I have included in my estate plan (nothing like an equal share with my own kids), regardless of other inheritances they might stand to get, to make sure they know they are family in my eyes.

Don’t put all the blame on him. Your mom clearly didn’t stand up for you. I’d be more upset about my parent prioritizing an AP over her first set of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

Does your mom have any insights? Did your stepdad pay for your college etc the same as your half-siblings?

Have not broached with my mom. No, my dad paid for my tuition after high school. Before that, they split it (went to private in middle and high school).

There’s your answer. He thinks it’s your dad’s job to leave an inheritance for you, just like he’s doing for his bio kids.

Yep. The additional context is that he had an affair with my mom, which resulted in a divorce and our moving 1,500 miles away from my dad. Stepdad was a bit of a mess before his marriage to my mom, but got himself together and was a great parent and ended up having a successful career and making a lot of money over the rest of his life. His two bio kids were born when we (the stepkids) were still young and grew up in the same house and we were all treated as children/siblings with one another. We all have the same mom.

My dad died suddenly and tragically a few years ago, and, just as we suspected, his (my dad's) estate was set up perfectly to avoid conflicts, and was generous with my stepsister (not his bio kid and was an older teenager when my dad and stepmom got married)(she got an equal share). Especially in light of my dad's plan, it was surprising to learn that stepdad, despite our presence in his life over about 45 years and the fact that he kind of took another man's family away, did not feel obligated to do more than 1% for each of the stepkids. No one is demanding equal share, but 1% honestly felt even more insulting than getting nothing.

It just really redrew the lines and made clear that he felt zero guilt about how the family even came to be, including what we went through (divorce, conflict, frequent travel to see my dad, etc), and did not feel the need to acknowledge the role that we had in his life (a very stabilizing force) through his final act. Clearly he did what he thought was right/fair, but it's not how I would have handled it (and anyone who knows our family who I have told has expressed shock and dismay over it). All you can do is observe and remind yourself to do what works with your own values. I have some kids in my life who are not my own, but who I have included in my estate plan (nothing like an equal share with my own kids), regardless of other inheritances they might stand to get, to make sure they know they are family in my eyes.

Wow, that is crushing. Everything you thought you knew and felt about your family took a kaleidoscopic turn.
Definitely have a third-party executor take over. Otherwise, it will drain you. Big trusts like that require a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should all be equal!

My parents died when I was very young. My mom's parents put money in a trust for me (money they gave to their other adult children and whatever inheritance). My grandfather told me when time came it would be split and I would get an equal share as the children (my aunts and uncles). My grandmother is still alive, so who knows what will happen. This side of the family helped raise me and did a lot for me growing up.

My dad's side which was not as well-off and working class said the same thing.
Then, my grandfather inherited a large 7 figure sum from his only living sibling who passed away.
Their estate was meant to be divided in 3 when they passed, 1/3 to me, 1/3 to each of my uncles. My grandmother on this side told me she did this because it's fair, but also because they did not help me or my mother financially (she died before my dad) at all. She worried if she died first that her sons would try and cut me out of my inheritance. Unfortunately, she died first and my uncles convinced my grandfather that they deserved the inheritance and I only deserved a very low 5 figure sum. They walked away with millions. I could have probably tried to sue, but for what? I cut those uncles off. They haven't met my kids and when they send a birthday or Christmas text I ignore.

My issue was on my dad's side we all went to the attorney once my grandparents inherited that huge sum so everyone was on the same page about trusts and what each person was inheriting. We also all attended when my grandmother had died (a year before my grandfather) so I know exactly how much money I was meant to inherit.

I did not act like I would see that money as both my grandparents were in expensive homes at the end and I acted (thankfully) like I would never see it. I feel both my uncles probably lived like they would see it and then convinced my grandfather that they somehow deserved it more. One of my uncles commented on my mom's side and how rich they are and that I did not need any inheritance. I reminded him it was not my money and that it had nothing to do with what his parents, my grandparents, wanted to do with their money. It isn't even about the money, but how it all went down.

People are awful when it comes to money. Even if you are told and see documents you are inheriting X, live your life like you will inherit 0, because it can change instantly. Luckily, I had a feeling it would, so I live life that way and have a beautiful life, but I refuse to let my kids anywhere near people who are that awful.

I had to recently explain to my son why he hasn't met my dad's two brothers. I was honest in a kid-friendly way and also told him you can wish the best for people and not have them in your life. Sometimes if people do real harm to you, it is ok to cut people off, but to wish them well, because negative wishes only bring negativity toward you. Their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

Does your mom have any insights? Did your stepdad pay for your college etc the same as your half-siblings?

Have not broached with my mom. No, my dad paid for my tuition after high school. Before that, they split it (went to private in middle and high school).

There’s your answer. He thinks it’s your dad’s job to leave an inheritance for you, just like he’s doing for his bio kids.

Yep. The additional context is that he had an affair with my mom, which resulted in a divorce and our moving 1,500 miles away from my dad. Stepdad was a bit of a mess before his marriage to my mom, but got himself together and was a great parent and ended up having a successful career and making a lot of money over the rest of his life. His two bio kids were born when we (the stepkids) were still young and grew up in the same house and we were all treated as children/siblings with one another. We all have the same mom.

My dad died suddenly and tragically a few years ago, and, just as we suspected, his (my dad's) estate was set up perfectly to avoid conflicts, and was generous with my stepsister (not his bio kid and was an older teenager when my dad and stepmom got married)(she got an equal share). Especially in light of my dad's plan, it was surprising to learn that stepdad, despite our presence in his life over about 45 years and the fact that he kind of took another man's family away, did not feel obligated to do more than 1% for each of the stepkids. No one is demanding equal share, but 1% honestly felt even more insulting than getting nothing.

It just really redrew the lines and made clear that he felt zero guilt about how the family even came to be, including what we went through (divorce, conflict, frequent travel to see my dad, etc), and did not feel the need to acknowledge the role that we had in his life (a very stabilizing force) through his final act. Clearly he did what he thought was right/fair, but it's not how I would have handled it (and anyone who knows our family who I have told has expressed shock and dismay over it). All you can do is observe and remind yourself to do what works with your own values. I have some kids in my life who are not my own, but who I have included in my estate plan (nothing like an equal share with my own kids), regardless of other inheritances they might stand to get, to make sure they know they are family in my eyes.

Don’t put all the blame on him. Your mom clearly didn’t stand up for you. I’d be more upset about my parent prioritizing an AP over her first set of kids.

Yes, there is a lot of resentment there, too. I have gone out of my way to make sure that my children never feel like I have prioritized anyone, especially any man, even their own father, over them. Hopefully I haven't overcorrected for her mistakes! (I have a great marriage in case you were wondering).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I were recently informed that we will each get $100K and our two half siblings (same mom) will split the rest of the estate (about $10M). My mother and stepfather married when I was five and had two children together. We all lived in the same house together (not in the same state ans my father but we visited him regularly). Our father passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago and we will receive an inheritance from him, but nothing mindblowing.

No sibling issues because no one was consulted but WTAF?

You were so young when you began livng in the household with mom and stepdad. How old was your sibling? Spepfather deceased?
10m to half siblings and what amount to your mom? She had 4 kids , 2 from each DH, so what happens upon her demise?

As a child etc were you and sibling under a Cinderella Effect? Gifts, tuition?

Both mother and stepfather are still living. If he dies first, mother lives off of trust income until her death and then the money goes to the kids.

Up to 18, stepfather and father split private school tuition and father paid for trips to visit him and I believe provided some child support, covering medical expenses, etc and I am not sure what else. Once 18, father paid for tuition and gave spending money. Stepfather gave smaller amount of spending money through undergrad and grad school. After grad school, no financial support from any parents (I didn't expect or ask for any). My father did pay for family vacations and things like that and gave money for holidays--very normal, IMO, for adult children. Half siblings have received financial support in adulthood from stepfather for more daily/regular expenses (rent, car stuff, etc).

My mom left my dad for my stepdad, i.e., he basically took another man's family away. My father was extremely involved in our lives in every sense, despite living a flight away. Things seemed normal until 18 in the home with mom and stepdad. Stepdad was always a loving and involved parent. Starting at 18, financial disparity grew and was transferred to the grandkids. Much less involvement and very little in the way of financial gifts/support (token gifts for holidays only) for the children of the stepkids.

They recently discussed the estate plan with all 5 children (the 3 of us stepchildren and my two half siblings). They seemed to think it was all normal and fair because our father left us money when he died (we won't get most of it until my stepmom dies). Mom and stepdad act like it's all one big happy family. They seriously have not acknowledged that this might be a slight. Also, they asked me to be executor before disclosing the terms and I agreed. So, I have a job to do -- manage their estate and make sure the real kids get all the money. I am letting the situation die down for now, but will likely hand off this responsibility soon by telling them it makes more sense for one of the others to do it.

Your mom chose to have an affair and leave. You need to place the blame with her, not him. He did not take another man's family, your mom made a clear choice.

I would decline being the executor and let them know. The estate should be split in half. Your stepdad leaves his half to his kids, your mom to her kids. Ideally, they'd treat you all the same as he raised you and he's been in your life since young. If he doesn't treat you well, pull back. No one is forcing you to have a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

Does your mom have any insights? Did your stepdad pay for your college etc the same as your half-siblings?

Have not broached with my mom. No, my dad paid for my tuition after high school. Before that, they split it (went to private in middle and high school).

There’s your answer. He thinks it’s your dad’s job to leave an inheritance for you, just like he’s doing for his bio kids.

Yep. The additional context is that he had an affair with my mom, which resulted in a divorce and our moving 1,500 miles away from my dad. Stepdad was a bit of a mess before his marriage to my mom, but got himself together and was a great parent and ended up having a successful career and making a lot of money over the rest of his life. His two bio kids were born when we (the stepkids) were still young and grew up in the same house and we were all treated as children/siblings with one another. We all have the same mom.

My dad died suddenly and tragically a few years ago, and, just as we suspected, his (my dad's) estate was set up perfectly to avoid conflicts, and was generous with my stepsister (not his bio kid and was an older teenager when my dad and stepmom got married)(she got an equal share). Especially in light of my dad's plan, it was surprising to learn that stepdad, despite our presence in his life over about 45 years and the fact that he kind of took another man's family away, did not feel obligated to do more than 1% for each of the stepkids. No one is demanding equal share, but 1% honestly felt even more insulting than getting nothing.

It just really redrew the lines and made clear that he felt zero guilt about how the family even came to be, including what we went through (divorce, conflict, frequent travel to see my dad, etc), and did not feel the need to acknowledge the role that we had in his life (a very stabilizing force) through his final act. Clearly he did what he thought was right/fair, but it's not how I would have handled it (and anyone who knows our family who I have told has expressed shock and dismay over it). All you can do is observe and remind yourself to do what works with your own values. I have some kids in my life who are not my own, but who I have included in my estate plan (nothing like an equal share with my own kids), regardless of other inheritances they might stand to get, to make sure they know they are family in my eyes.

Wow, that is crushing. Everything you thought you knew and felt about your family took a kaleidoscopic turn.
Definitely have a third-party executor take over. Otherwise, it will drain you. Big trusts like that require a lot of work.

Yes, letting the emotions settle and then will hand off. There's a law firm involved, too, so TBH I think I wouldn't have to do as much as an executor normally does, but I would prefer to pass my role off to one of my half siblings. I think they asked me because I am sort of the sibling leader (although not the eldest) and I am managing trusts for some other people (children of friends who passed away) and they see that I am a conscientous and competent person (largely thanks to my father, who was lovely (but had some flaws and I do understand why the marriage failed...).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I were recently informed that we will each get $100K and our two half siblings (same mom) will split the rest of the estate (about $10M). My mother and stepfather married when I was five and had two children together. We all lived in the same house together (not in the same state ans my father but we visited him regularly). Our father passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago and we will receive an inheritance from him, but nothing mindblowing.

No sibling issues because no one was consulted but WTAF?

You were so young when you began livng in the household with mom and stepdad. How old was your sibling? Spepfather deceased?
10m to half siblings and what amount to your mom? She had 4 kids , 2 from each DH, so what happens upon her demise?

As a child etc were you and sibling under a Cinderella Effect? Gifts, tuition?

Both mother and stepfather are still living. If he dies first, mother lives off of trust income until her death and then the money goes to the kids.

Up to 18, stepfather and father split private school tuition and father paid for trips to visit him and I believe provided some child support, covering medical expenses, etc and I am not sure what else. Once 18, father paid for tuition and gave spending money. Stepfather gave smaller amount of spending money through undergrad and grad school. After grad school, no financial support from any parents (I didn't expect or ask for any). My father did pay for family vacations and things like that and gave money for holidays--very normal, IMO, for adult children. Half siblings have received financial support in adulthood from stepfather for more daily/regular expenses (rent, car stuff, etc).

My mom left my dad for my stepdad, i.e., he basically took another man's family away. My father was extremely involved in our lives in every sense, despite living a flight away. Things seemed normal until 18 in the home with mom and stepdad. Stepdad was always a loving and involved parent. Starting at 18, financial disparity grew and was transferred to the grandkids. Much less involvement and very little in the way of financial gifts/support (token gifts for holidays only) for the children of the stepkids.

They recently discussed the estate plan with all 5 children (the 3 of us stepchildren and my two half siblings). They seemed to think it was all normal and fair because our father left us money when he died (we won't get most of it until my stepmom dies). Mom and stepdad act like it's all one big happy family. They seriously have not acknowledged that this might be a slight. Also, they asked me to be executor before disclosing the terms and I agreed. So, I have a job to do -- manage their estate and make sure the real kids get all the money. I am letting the situation die down for now, but will likely hand off this responsibility soon by telling them it makes more sense for one of the others to do it.

Your mom chose to have an affair and leave. You need to place the blame with her, not him. He did not take another man's family, your mom made a clear choice.

I would decline being the executor and let them know. The estate should be split in half. Your stepdad leaves his half to his kids, your mom to her kids. Ideally, they'd treat you all the same as he raised you and he's been in your life since young. If he doesn't treat you well, pull back. No one is forcing you to have a relationship.

They're in their 80s and I am at the point in my life when I would rather play along at a level I feel comfortable with. I think my mom understands somewhat, but is stuck and has been forever. I have been open about the extent to which her choices in our childhood affected our lives on a few occasions and those comments clearly weigh on her from things she has said to my DH. I plan to speak with the eldest half-sibling and explain everything and then propose the change to my stepdad and mom.

There are drawbacks to causing a big family blow up when your parents only have a little time left on this planet, and I don't want to involve my little siblings in a rift. I am really big on taking the high road and trying to live by example. Unfortunately, that means I probably won't get the last word, but I have decided that's ok--it is more important to me to maintain close relationships with the half siblings and their families. And I have honestly had a great life, and destroying my mom during what's left of hers would feel cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I were recently informed that we will each get $100K and our two half siblings (same mom) will split the rest of the estate (about $10M). My mother and stepfather married when I was five and had two children together. We all lived in the same house together (not in the same state ans my father but we visited him regularly). Our father passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago and we will receive an inheritance from him, but nothing mindblowing.

No sibling issues because no one was consulted but WTAF?

You were so young when you began livng in the household with mom and stepdad. How old was your sibling? Spepfather deceased?
10m to half siblings and what amount to your mom? She had 4 kids , 2 from each DH, so what happens upon her demise?

As a child etc were you and sibling under a Cinderella Effect? Gifts, tuition?

Both mother and stepfather are still living. If he dies first, mother lives off of trust income until her death and then the money goes to the kids.

Up to 18, stepfather and father split private school tuition and father paid for trips to visit him and I believe provided some child support, covering medical expenses, etc and I am not sure what else. Once 18, father paid for tuition and gave spending money. Stepfather gave smaller amount of spending money through undergrad and grad school. After grad school, no financial support from any parents (I didn't expect or ask for any). My father did pay for family vacations and things like that and gave money for holidays--very normal, IMO, for adult children. Half siblings have received financial support in adulthood from stepfather for more daily/regular expenses (rent, car stuff, etc).

My mom left my dad for my stepdad, i.e., he basically took another man's family away. My father was extremely involved in our lives in every sense, despite living a flight away. Things seemed normal until 18 in the home with mom and stepdad. Stepdad was always a loving and involved parent. Starting at 18, financial disparity grew and was transferred to the grandkids. Much less involvement and very little in the way of financial gifts/support (token gifts for holidays only) for the children of the stepkids.

They recently discussed the estate plan with all 5 children (the 3 of us stepchildren and my two half siblings). They seemed to think it was all normal and fair because our father left us money when he died (we won't get most of it until my stepmom dies). Mom and stepdad act like it's all one big happy family. They seriously have not acknowledged that this might be a slight. Also, they asked me to be executor before disclosing the terms and I agreed. So, I have a job to do -- manage their estate and make sure the real kids get all the money. I am letting the situation die down for now, but will likely hand off this responsibility soon by telling them it makes more sense for one of the others to do it.

Your mom chose to have an affair and leave. You need to place the blame with her, not him. He did not take another man's family, your mom made a clear choice.

I would decline being the executor and let them know. The estate should be split in half. Your stepdad leaves his half to his kids, your mom to her kids. Ideally, they'd treat you all the same as he raised you and he's been in your life since young. If he doesn't treat you well, pull back. No one is forcing you to have a relationship.

They're in their 80s and I am at the point in my life when I would rather play along at a level I feel comfortable with. I think my mom understands somewhat, but is stuck and has been forever. I have been open about the extent to which her choices in our childhood affected our lives on a few occasions and those comments clearly weigh on her from things she has said to my DH. I plan to speak with the eldest half-sibling and explain everything and then propose the change to my stepdad and mom.

There are drawbacks to causing a big family blow up when your parents only have a little time left on this planet, and I don't want to involve my little siblings in a rift. I am really big on taking the high road and trying to live by example. Unfortunately, that means I probably won't get the last word, but I have decided that's ok--it is more important to me to maintain close relationships with the half siblings and their families. And I have honestly had a great life, and destroying my mom during what's left of hers would feel cruel.

Your mom isn’t stuck, she just didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize her gravy train. Sucks to realize this about one’s own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(Much, much smaller estate)… My sibling has severe mental illness. our parents are both gone, and left their estate to us 50-50. I am giving my sibling some of my share, and holding more back in case he needs it. He’s had a much harder road in life, and it would pain me deeply (as well as my parents) to know he was suffering financially. He is single, whereas I have a spouse with a solid HHI and in-laws who may pass along a modest inheritance.

You can create a special needs trust for him. Having a large amount of money he would lose any benefit that counts assets that he otherwise would qualify for. The trust could be used for housing, living expenses, I forget the details. If your household has a high income it would be best to hold it in a trust specifically for his needs and not in your name.

[Anonymous]

I will just say that you should not depend on any amount as an inheritance. My mom had a huge amount of life insurance and said that she expected each kid to get a fair amount. My stepfather and his ex wife took the life insurance and used it to buy a new house.

Don't put all your eggs in that inheritance basket. Also don't piss off your parents by compla8ning about their money while they are still living and breathing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(Much, much smaller estate)… My sibling has severe mental illness. our parents are both gone, and left their estate to us 50-50. I am giving my sibling some of my share, and holding more back in case he needs it. He’s had a much harder road in life, and it would pain me deeply (as well as my parents) to know he was suffering financially. He is single, whereas I have a spouse with a solid HHI and in-laws who may pass along a modest inheritance.

I hope you can put the money into a trust in a way that does not let your sibling blow everything you give them. We have a mentally ill relative and they are not at all responsible with money. They blew threw an inheritance from their parents and now their kids are seeing if the person can live with relatives (who say no because they do not want a mentally ill and toxic person in their house).