Unequal inheritance and sibling relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I were recently informed that we will each get $100K and our two half siblings (same mom) will split the rest of the estate (about $10M). My mother and stepfather married when I was five and had two children together. We all lived in the same house together (not in the same state ans my father but we visited him regularly). Our father passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago and we will receive an inheritance from him, but nothing mindblowing.

No sibling issues because no one was consulted but WTAF?

Wow. Just wow. Does your stepfather hate you? Why the inequity?

[Anonymous]

It’s a simple notarized document that says Larla’s share of the inheritance is reduced by x amount of dollars. I assume this money is being given as a “loan” and reduction in inheritance is deemed paying the loan back,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure whether to post here or in Money forum, but I think here makes more sense.

DH and I are mid-40s and each stand to inherit 7 figures absent something extremely unusual. We still need to work and think about our finances, but overall we are extremely well-off. Unless something extreme happens, we aren't planning our retirements or college funding around the inheritances.

Each of us has an older sister (I also have a younger brother) who is not as well-off as we are. For various reasons each of our parents are considering transferring some assets now, with more going to our sisters. Since for now it's my parents' and ILs', and I don't need it anyway, I am okay with this. DH actually raised giving extra funds to his sister himself. Is there something I'm missing, however, that could create an issue in the future?

I am lucky to not have gone through managing an estate, but I understand that it can raise uncomfortable feelings and questions. Is there something we should suggest now (maybe in how things are structured) to avoid anything difficult in the future? I don't know what that would be...maybe if DH or I end up with a significant illness or disability?

LOL how generous of you to be "ok with this" since it's not your money to begin with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 21:20 for the quick reply.

I realize my title is unclear, because the funds would be dispersed now...but they would otherwise be in our inheritance. In MIL's case, there is some financial/tax reason that DH is trying to understand. For my parents it's because my dad had an investment (that was money he was saving for all of us) unexpectedly pay out a large amount, and my sister is facing an extreme hardship (she is SAHM and BIL has terminal illness), so he wants her to give her some extra security now.

Given that these funds are being dispersed now (i.e. won't be accounted for in the will), is there somewhere to document what is being done and why? Both sides (MIL and my parents) are clear that this is money that would otherwise have been willed to their kids equally.

There is some history here, in that my dad has always tried to give us money equally through our lives...so even for him this is an unusual move. And I can tell my sister is also worried about what it could mean in the future, even while this money would allow her to just enjoy the time she has left with BIL and take care of him as he needs it with less stress. Since my dad brought it up, her stress levels have decreased substantially.

But I am trying to also look ahead, and since it's coinciding with MIL's decision, it seems like a good time to think through the long-term consequences objectively.

What about wording in the will that splits evening accounting for minus $xx for siblling B? There is an algebra equation there that needs to be translated to legal language. That way you will also know value of the assets at the time of the distribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 21:20 for the quick reply.

I realize my title is unclear, because the funds would be dispersed now...but they would otherwise be in our inheritance. In MIL's case, there is some financial/tax reason that DH is trying to understand. For my parents it's because my dad had an investment (that was money he was saving for all of us) unexpectedly pay out a large amount, and my sister is facing an extreme hardship (she is SAHM and BIL has terminal illness), so he wants her to give her some extra security now.

Given that these funds are being dispersed now (i.e. won't be accounted for in the will), is there somewhere to document what is being done and why? Both sides (MIL and my parents) are clear that this is money that would otherwise have been willed to their kids equally.

There is some history here, in that my dad has always tried to give us money equally through our lives...so even for him this is an unusual move. And I can tell my sister is also worried about what it could mean in the future, even while this money would allow her to just enjoy the time she has left with BIL and take care of him as he needs it with less stress. Since my dad brought it up, her stress levels have decreased substantially.

But I am trying to also look ahead, and since it's coinciding with MIL's decision, it seems like a good time to think through the long-term consequences objectively.

Are you saying that disbursing funds to siblings now would result in a smaller inheritance for you in the future because the estate would be smaller? If so, your premise is again incorrect. Anything dispersed now isn't coming from "your" inheritance -- it's your parents' money and only theirs until the day they die and they can spend it as they see fit.

We have four kids, now all adults. They all had different needs in different amounts at different times. We treated them fairly but not equally in terms of money spent on each one. Private school for this one, larger wedding for that one, bigger down payment for this one, etc. And we haven't kept score and there hasn't been animosity because our kids don't equate any of this with our "playing favorites." They're reasonable people. Sure, when we croak whatever is left will be split equally but until then it's our money and nobody's business what we do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 21:20 for the quick reply.

I realize my title is unclear, because the funds would be dispersed now...but they would otherwise be in our inheritance. In MIL's case, there is some financial/tax reason that DH is trying to understand. For my parents it's because my dad had an investment (that was money he was saving for all of us) unexpectedly pay out a large amount, and my sister is facing an extreme hardship (she is SAHM and BIL has terminal illness), so he wants her to give her some extra security now.

Given that these funds are being dispersed now (i.e. won't be accounted for in the will), is there somewhere to document what is being done and why? Both sides (MIL and my parents) are clear that this is money that would otherwise have been willed to their kids equally.

There is some history here, in that my dad has always tried to give us money equally through our lives...so even for him this is an unusual move. And I can tell my sister is also worried about what it could mean in the future, even while this money would allow her to just enjoy the time she has left with BIL and take care of him as he needs it with less stress. Since my dad brought it up, her stress levels have decreased substantially.

But I am trying to also look ahead, and since it's coinciding with MIL's decision, it seems like a good time to think through the long-term consequences objectively.

Are you saying that disbursing funds to siblings now would result in a smaller inheritance for you in the future because the estate would be smaller? If so, your premise is again incorrect. Anything dispersed now isn't coming from "your" inheritance -- it's your parents' money and only theirs until the day they die and they can spend it as they see fit.

We have four kids, now all adults. They all had different needs in different amounts at different times. We treated them fairly but not equally in terms of money spent on each one. Private school for this one, larger wedding for that one, bigger down payment for this one, etc. And we haven't kept score and there hasn't been animosity because our kids don't equate any of this with our "playing favorites." They're reasonable people. Sure, when we croak whatever is left will be split equally but until then it's our money and nobody's business what we do with it.

NP- that's exactly the meat of the issue.
We're also in the situation where one sibling needs much more help now. I'd like to think that when the estate is split, someone is counting the beans and remove that from their share before the split. But of course that sounds insane to say out loud, and at the end of the day it is their money to do what they wish. But since this discussion is about what is inherently fair, of course it's fair to track that and account for it. Some families go by many other factors besides pure fairness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 21:20 for the quick reply.

I realize my title is unclear, because the funds would be dispersed now...but they would otherwise be in our inheritance. In MIL's case, there is some financial/tax reason that DH is trying to understand. For my parents it's because my dad had an investment (that was money he was saving for all of us) unexpectedly pay out a large amount, and my sister is facing an extreme hardship (she is SAHM and BIL has terminal illness), so he wants her to give her some extra security now.

Given that these funds are being dispersed now (i.e. won't be accounted for in the will), is there somewhere to document what is being done and why? Both sides (MIL and my parents) are clear that this is money that would otherwise have been willed to their kids equally.

There is some history here, in that my dad has always tried to give us money equally through our lives...so even for him this is an unusual move. And I can tell my sister is also worried about what it could mean in the future, even while this money would allow her to just enjoy the time she has left with BIL and take care of him as he needs it with less stress. Since my dad brought it up, her stress levels have decreased substantially.

But I am trying to also look ahead, and since it's coinciding with MIL's decision, it seems like a good time to think through the long-term consequences objectively.

Are you saying that disbursing funds to siblings now would result in a smaller inheritance for you in the future because the estate would be smaller? If so, your premise is again incorrect. Anything dispersed now isn't coming from "your" inheritance -- it's your parents' money and only theirs until the day they die and they can spend it as they see fit.

We have four kids, now all adults. They all had different needs in different amounts at different times. We treated them fairly but not equally in terms of money spent on each one. Private school for this one, larger wedding for that one, bigger down payment for this one, etc. And we haven't kept score and there hasn't been animosity because our kids don't equate any of this with our "playing favorites." They're reasonable people. Sure, when we croak whatever is left will be split equally but until then it's our money and nobody's business what we do with it.

NP- that's exactly the meat of the issue.
We're also in the situation where one sibling needs much more help now. I'd like to think that when the estate is split, someone is counting the beans and remove that from their share before the split. But of course that sounds insane to say out loud, and at the end of the day it is their money to do what they wish. But since this discussion is about what is inherently fair, of course it's fair to track that and account for it. Some families go by many other factors besides pure fairness.

It is not your money to spend. End of story.

[Anonymous]

PP here. One of our kids has two children. One doesn’t want kids. Because of us our daughter with kids has never spent a dime in child care. We (lovingly) do it.

Should we leave for money in our will for the childless kid because we saved our other kid thousands and thousands of dollars in child care over the years? Of course not.

There’s no difference.

[Anonymous]

More money not for money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I were recently informed that we will each get $100K and our two half siblings (same mom) will split the rest of the estate (about $10M). My mother and stepfather married when I was five and had two children together. We all lived in the same house together (not in the same state ans my father but we visited him regularly). Our father passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago and we will receive an inheritance from him, but nothing mindblowing.

No sibling issues because no one was consulted but WTAF?

You were so young when you began livng in the household with mom and stepdad. How old was your sibling? Spepfather deceased?
10m to half siblings and what amount to your mom? She had 4 kids , 2 from each DH, so what happens upon her demise?

As a child etc were you and sibling under a Cinderella Effect? Gifts, tuition?

[Anonymous]

Of course your parents and inlaws should give more to the children who need it more. They're parents. The sisters need the money now -- they should get it. That way they get the help they need and also don't sit around waiting for their parents to pass away so they can get the financial help they need.

Of course you give to those in need -- especially if the person doing the giving is a parent and the person in need is their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 21:20 for the quick reply.

I realize my title is unclear, because the funds would be dispersed now...but they would otherwise be in our inheritance. In MIL's case, there is some financial/tax reason that DH is trying to understand. For my parents it's because my dad had an investment (that was money he was saving for all of us) unexpectedly pay out a large amount, and my sister is facing an extreme hardship (she is SAHM and BIL has terminal illness), so he wants her to give her some extra security now.

Given that these funds are being dispersed now (i.e. won't be accounted for in the will), is there somewhere to document what is being done and why? Both sides (MIL and my parents) are clear that this is money that would otherwise have been willed to their kids equally.

There is some history here, in that my dad has always tried to give us money equally through our lives...so even for him this is an unusual move. And I can tell my sister is also worried about what it could mean in the future, even while this money would allow her to just enjoy the time she has left with BIL and take care of him as he needs it with less stress. Since my dad brought it up, her stress levels have decreased substantially.

But I am trying to also look ahead, and since it's coinciding with MIL's decision, it seems like a good time to think through the long-term consequences objectively.

What about wording in the will that splits evening accounting for minus $xx for siblling B? There is an algebra equation there that needs to be translated to legal language. That way you will also know value of the assets at the time of the distribution.

This is what you/your parents and inlaws should do -- give the siblings who need the money a portion of THEIR OWN inheritance now and subtract it from their share when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I were recently informed that we will each get $100K and our two half siblings (same mom) will split the rest of the estate (about $10M). My mother and stepfather married when I was five and had two children together. We all lived in the same house together (not in the same state ans my father but we visited him regularly). Our father passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago and we will receive an inheritance from him, but nothing mindblowing.

No sibling issues because no one was consulted but WTAF?

That is TERRIBLE and truly unconscionable. I hate your mom and stepdad on your behalf. Truly f'd up behavior here.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the posts. I’ll say that I was fine with it but as my first parent passed, I got really sad and angry about it. I didn’t say anything of course, but I was fine for decades with the arrangement but in the end, but now it appears I’m not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there is anything to be done. Your parents are alive and free to spend their money as they see fit. That said, if they want to change the parameters of their will to draw down from a sibling’s portion, that’s their purgative, but outside of that there isn’t anything you need to do. I’m not sure what “long term consequences” you’re referring to unless you’re talk about harmony between the siblings.

FWIW, I’m also the wealthier sibling and my parents have absolutely given both of my siblings more money through the years but their will designates 3rds.

This. They are still alive and chosing to provide some of their current assets to your sister. This is irrelevant to an inheritance after they die. Frankly this shouldn’t be up for debate. If they have the assets to help your sister, it’s solely their decision to make.

Agreed. OP, your BIL is dying. Worrying about signing agreements so that you will be provided for out of inheritance IF one of you gets an illness or a disability in the future seems pretty selfish. Asking your parents to give you part so you can choose to parcel it out to your sister would be ridiculous. Your parents are alive, an emergency is here, and it's not about you.