Unequal inheritance and sibling relationships

[Anonymous]

It such a bad idea. I’ve had it happen in two different branches of the family and it’s just … bad. Even if it seems OK at the time, things change and it can become a weaponized point of broken relationships for the generation not even born yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I were recently informed that we will each get $100K and our two half siblings (same mom) will split the rest of the estate (about $10M). My mother and stepfather married when I was five and had two children together. We all lived in the same house together (not in the same state ans my father but we visited him regularly). Our father passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago and we will receive an inheritance from him, but nothing mindblowing.

No sibling issues because no one was consulted but WTAF?

You were so young when you began livng in the household with mom and stepdad. How old was your sibling? Spepfather deceased?
10m to half siblings and what amount to your mom? She had 4 kids , 2 from each DH, so what happens upon her demise?

As a child etc were you and sibling under a Cinderella Effect? Gifts, tuition?

Both mother and stepfather are still living. If he dies first, mother lives off of trust income until her death and then the money goes to the kids.

Up to 18, stepfather and father split private school tuition and father paid for trips to visit him and I believe provided some child support, covering medical expenses, etc and I am not sure what else. Once 18, father paid for tuition and gave spending money. Stepfather gave smaller amount of spending money through undergrad and grad school. After grad school, no financial support from any parents (I didn't expect or ask for any). My father did pay for family vacations and things like that and gave money for holidays--very normal, IMO, for adult children. Half siblings have received financial support in adulthood from stepfather for more daily/regular expenses (rent, car stuff, etc).

My mom left my dad for my stepdad, i.e., he basically took another man's family away. My father was extremely involved in our lives in every sense, despite living a flight away. Things seemed normal until 18 in the home with mom and stepdad. Stepdad was always a loving and involved parent. Starting at 18, financial disparity grew and was transferred to the grandkids. Much less involvement and very little in the way of financial gifts/support (token gifts for holidays only) for the children of the stepkids.

They recently discussed the estate plan with all 5 children (the 3 of us stepchildren and my two half siblings). They seemed to think it was all normal and fair because our father left us money when he died (we won't get most of it until my stepmom dies). Mom and stepdad act like it's all one big happy family. They seriously have not acknowledged that this might be a slight. Also, they asked me to be executor before disclosing the terms and I agreed. So, I have a job to do -- manage their estate and make sure the real kids get all the money. I am letting the situation die down for now, but will likely hand off this responsibility soon by telling them it makes more sense for one of the others to do it.

How do trusts like this work? Is there a cap on how much of the trust PP's mom can spend down? Who is the executor? Is everything that PP's mom gets from his estate locked up in a trust, so she doesn't have anything to give away upon her death? That seems unfair. In the blended family I know, both people have money to give away upon their death. Apply this to PP's situation - the stepfather doesn't have 100% control over the entire estate - the biological mother owns and controls 50% of the estate and can divide that 50% equally to her biological children, including the PP. Sure, the children of the mom and stepdad get more in the end because they each get 25% of mom's estate and 50% of dad's estate, but it's still a much better situation for PP than what PP has described. PP's mom is basically cheated out of a legacy.

I don’t think you know very much about trust and state law. This is an extremely common, standard arrangement. Most likely it applies both ways, whether the mother or the father dies first. It’s standard.

You're right, I don't and should learn more. There is no way either of DH or I would be okay with setting up a trust that gives one person total control over the actual equity of our marital estate. We have our owns wills and testamentary trusts. Our house is owned JTWROS so the surviving spouse can stay or sell it and move somewhere easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ yes, there are limits and correct--she has nothing to bequeath upon her death (aside from her personal property).

She gets an allowance in life and death, but never equity ownership. Sad.

Right, because then she could leave it to the stepchildren. This way, he decides the division and it stands at his death.

She could divorce him and take her share now. They could still live together; she could even be his caretaker and power of attorney.

That would not happen. They are very tight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

What if your mom wants to sell the house and use the equity to move into a nice assisted living facility? Sounds like she's stuck in a world of his making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

What if your mom wants to sell the house and use the equity to move into a nice assisted living facility? Sounds like she's stuck in a world of his making.

She can't sell the house, but could likely afford to move to a nice place with her trust income. If she sold the house she would have to pay tax on the gain which has been a lot over 40 years. Half-siblings will get the house with stepped up basis, so best plan for tax purposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

What if your mom wants to sell the house and use the equity to move into a nice assisted living facility? Sounds like she's stuck in a world of his making.

She can't sell the house, but could likely afford to move to a nice place with her trust income. If she sold the house she would have to pay tax on the gain which has been a lot over 40 years. Half-siblings will get the house with stepped up basis, so best plan for tax purposes.

No, it's just the best plan for your half-siblings. It's not the best plan for your mom, who I'm sure would prefer to leave you some money at her death rather than the plan your stepfather set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

What if your mom wants to sell the house and use the equity to move into a nice assisted living facility? Sounds like she's stuck in a world of his making.

She can't sell the house, but could likely afford to move to a nice place with her trust income. If she sold the house she would have to pay tax on the gain which has been a lot over 40 years. Half-siblings will get the house with stepped up basis, so best plan for tax purposes.

No, it's just the best plan for your half-siblings. It's not the best plan for your mom, who I'm sure would prefer to leave you some money at her death rather than the plan your stepfather set up.

Yep. Good lesson in having your own money/a say in the family finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

Does your mom have any insights? Did your stepdad pay for your college etc the same as your half-siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

Does your mom have any insights? Did your stepdad pay for your college etc the same as your half-siblings?

Have not broached with my mom. No, my dad paid for my tuition after high school. Before that, they split it (went to private in middle and high school).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More details from the aggrieved stepchild: my dad left the house and all its contents to my stepmom--it is outside of the trust he created for the money we will get when my stepmom dies. So, she will likely leave that to my stepsister, which is also fine with me--it's her house and she can leave it to whomever she wants.

My stepdad put his and my mom's house (which I grew up in starting at age six) into the trust and the half-siblings will inherit our family home, in addition to $$$.

I don't think a home belongs in a trust in most cases. Don't complicate the life of your spouse upon your death. If you have them, put other things in a trust for your kids.

He assumes he will die first and wants to make sure that my mom doesn't split the house 5 ways upon her death. Hence the trust.

I had the first grandchild in the family and he and my mom were at the hospital when she was born. I am not some money grubbing johnny-come-lately stepchild. It has all been a lot to process.

Clearly he didn’t regard you as his family. True colors.

Exactly. Hard pill to swallow. Family group chat still active daily with random banter. Lots going on under the surface (apparently).

Does your mom have any insights? Did your stepdad pay for your college etc the same as your half-siblings?

Have not broached with my mom. No, my dad paid for my tuition after high school. Before that, they split it (went to private in middle and high school).

There’s your answer. He thinks it’s your dad’s job to leave an inheritance for you, just like he’s doing for his bio kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents helped my brother financially until he was in his mid-40’s. Their will leaves me an extra $200k off the top to make it even, then everything else is split 50/50. There is a lot of transparency and they called my brother to let him know when they set it up. He and I talk about it too from time to time and he’s in agreement with their decision. If he had a big issue about it I would decline the extra. My relationship with him is more important to me.

Honestly the money would have been more helpful to me when I was younger and really struggling but it is what it is, and at least my parents recognize the unequal treatment and are trying to make it right.

If your siblings need more now then there’s nothing preventing your parents from making it right at the end by carving some off the top for you.