How to deal with overly materialistic teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD who is a sophomore has got a monthly allowance of a couple hundred dollars since 8th grade. As she gets older she asks for more and more money that she spends excessively on higher end makeup and jewelry on top of the stuff she already gets that we buy her. We sat her down to tell her that it was time for her first job this summer. She freaked out and started crying, banging the wall, saying she did not want a job and that all her friends got allowances too. DH and I told her we would stop giving her extra money until she found a job and she went ballistic and started screaming at us.

After her outburst she didn't speak to both DH and I for the rest of the day and refused to go to her therapy session and school the next day. It's been a few days and she's still very angry and has become very mean and nasty towards us. She won't hand over her phone so I severely limited her screen time in the meantime and turned her data off. We are UMC so we can afford what she wants but, we just want to help her appreciate the value of money and hard work before it's too late.

WHAT!?! if i wanted her phone i WOULD be getting her phone. turn off her account.

Yes this. Turn it off. No need to take it away. Turn. It. Off!

[Anonymous]

Allowance ends now. Phone gets tuned off until attending school daily. No more allowance ever. If she is old enough to work, she can make her own money.

I have a 15 and 13 yr old and they don’t get allowance. It’s totally unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, both of you stood there and took her tantrum like it was nothing. I would have thought my kid has lost half their brain. I'm gone tell you what's normal:' Mom, I don't need more money. I've been saving it'.
I know several grown people with ASD, ADHD who have shopped themselves into financial ruin. They just can't stop it. They also have zero understanding how to invest money unless their workplace does it for them. Two of them even emptied their 401k to pay rent after money ran out. They also have unemployment problems even with good education.
You being UMC, and being able to support her forever, is not a reason to make it worse for her knowing her ADHD. The need to shop controls her. Her partner will most likely also be a shopper.

I didn't see OP saying teen has ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are Americans so obsessed about making materialism into something negative?

Because they are in incredible amounts of debt to have those material objects.

This is indeed sad. I agree with you.

It very distressing to see Americans in these dire circumstances with their debt and finances. Why do they do this? Do they not understand?

The real issue here is success. With true success comes plenty of money for the things which make the life more enjoyable. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- She had a full neuropsych evaluation, so she does have inattentive ADHD. School refusal is something we've struggled with in the past, but she's been doing really good lately since we've medicated but this situation set her off and she did not go the next day, so we cut her data off and didn't let her go out with friends this past weekend. She refuses to do anything when she's upset/angry so she is in therapy working on that and her emotional regulation skills. She did act remorseful this morning though, and apologized for screaming at us. Our main dilemma is whether to keep pushing her to get a job. She's very social and isn't anxious about a job, but just has not had that kind of responsibility yet and is a little immature for her age due to her ADHD.

I wouldn’t directly push her to get a job, but I would limit the amount of money you give her and things you buy her. If she wants more, she has to get a job and earn it herself.

You can’t force her to get a job. Focus on things you can control.

Also do not do things for the purpose of keeping her from melting down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- She had a full neuropsych evaluation, so she does have inattentive ADHD. School refusal is something we've struggled with in the past, but she's been doing really good lately since we've medicated but this situation set her off and she did not go the next day, so we cut her data off and didn't let her go out with friends this past weekend. She refuses to do anything when she's upset/angry so she is in therapy working on that and her emotional regulation skills. She did act remorseful this morning though, and apologized for screaming at us. Our main dilemma is whether to keep pushing her to get a job. She's very social and isn't anxious about a job, but just has not had that kind of responsibility yet and is a little immature for her age due to her ADHD.

I wouldn’t directly push her to get a job, but I would limit the amount of money you give her and things you buy her. If she wants more, she has to get a job and earn it herself.

You can’t force her to get a job. Focus on things you can control.

Also do not do things for the purpose of keeping her from melting down.

This is excellent advice. Let it be her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are Americans so obsessed about making materialism into something negative?

Because they are in incredible amounts of debt to have those material objects.

This is indeed sad. I agree with you.

It very distressing to see Americans in these dire circumstances with their debt and finances. Why do they do this? Do they not understand?

The real issue here is success. With true success comes plenty of money for the things which make the life more enjoyable. That is all.

Raising a child to think that their parents' success is their own is a losing strategy.

Sure the parents success benefits them but eventually they will have to learn to hunt for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are Americans so obsessed about making materialism into something negative?

Because they are in incredible amounts of debt to have those material objects.

This is indeed sad. I agree with you.

It very distressing to see Americans in these dire circumstances with their debt and finances. Why do they do this? Do they not understand?

The real issue here is success. With true success comes plenty of money for the things which make the life more enjoyable. That is all.

Raising a child to think that their parents' success is their own is a losing strategy.

Sure the parents success benefits them but eventually they will have to learn to hunt for themselves.

It is not about the parents success, really. It is more about values and culture.

How can somebody say they are a success if they go around in shabby/ cheap clothing or drive an old broken car, or live in one of those older tiny houses? They cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are Americans so obsessed about making materialism into something negative?

Because they are in incredible amounts of debt to have those material objects.

This is indeed sad. I agree with you.

It very distressing to see Americans in these dire circumstances with their debt and finances. Why do they do this? Do they not understand?

The real issue here is success. With true success comes plenty of money for the things which make the life more enjoyable. That is all.

Raising a child to think that their parents' success is their own is a losing strategy.

Sure the parents success benefits them but eventually they will have to learn to hunt for themselves.

It is not about the parents success, really. It is more about values and culture.

How can somebody say they are a success if they go around in shabby/ cheap clothing or drive an old broken car, or live in one of those older tiny houses? They cannot.[/quote]

Eh...

I get what you are saying. I have cousins in India and they are all like this. A lot of evaluating and judging people externally.

Well just have to disagree and chalk it up to cultural differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are Americans so obsessed about making materialism into something negative?

Because they are in incredible amounts of debt to have those material objects.

This is indeed sad. I agree with you.

It very distressing to see Americans in these dire circumstances with their debt and finances. Why do they do this? Do they not understand?

The real issue here is success. With true success comes plenty of money for the things which make the life more enjoyable. That is all.

Raising a child to think that their parents' success is their own is a losing strategy.

Sure the parents success benefits them but eventually they will have to learn to hunt for themselves.

It is not about the parents success, really. It is more about values and culture.

How can somebody say they are a success if they go around in shabby/ cheap clothing or drive an old broken car, or live in one of those older tiny houses? They cannot.

Eh...

I get what you are saying. I have cousins in India and they are all like this. A lot of evaluating and judging people externally.

Well just have to disagree and chalk it up to cultural differences

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are Americans so obsessed about making materialism into something negative?

Because they are in incredible amounts of debt to have those material objects.

This is indeed sad. I agree with you.

It very distressing to see Americans in these dire circumstances with their debt and finances. Why do they do this? Do they not understand?

The real issue here is success. With true success comes plenty of money for the things which make the life more enjoyable. That is all.

Raising a child to think that their parents' success is their own is a losing strategy.

Sure the parents success benefits them but eventually they will have to learn to hunt for themselves.

It is not about the parents success, really. It is more about values and culture.

How can somebody say they are a success if they go around in shabby/ cheap clothing or drive an old broken car, or live in one of those older tiny houses? They cannot.

Why is a big house a symbol of success? I'd rather have the older house and millions in the bank.

[Anonymous]

sigh. A really great teacher changes people's lives, and they might not even own a house at all! There are a number of professions that make people's lives better And don't pay $$$$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sigh. A really great teacher changes people's lives, and they might not even own a house at all! There are a number of professions that make people's lives better And don't pay $$$$$

Yes, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could she refuse to go to school?!? That’s not an option.

If OP goes to the Special Needs forum, which she might not do, because it doesn't sound as if she entirely recognizes the scope of her daughter's mental heath issues, she will see that this is called school refusal and is a known symptom in several diagnosed disorders that encompass autism, ADHD and anxiety.

The problem is not materialism here. It's the teen's mental health.

Sorry, no. This is why schools are filled with entitled children who flout the rules. The kid is spoiled and throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old. I have adhd and anxiety and so does my son. My dd has anxiety. This would not happen at my house because I have had reasonable expectations for my children since they were little.

Stop blaming every single thing on mental health or disorders. You’re not doing your kids any favors.

Stop saying this isn't a mental illness..it could very well be. This is not normal spoiled behavior it is not age appropriate at all.

She’s spoiled and acting like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are Americans so obsessed about making materialism into something negative?

Because they are in incredible amounts of debt to have those material objects.

This is indeed sad. I agree with you.

It very distressing to see Americans in these dire circumstances with their debt and finances. Why do they do this? Do they not understand?

The real issue here is success. With true success comes plenty of money for the things which make the life more enjoyable. That is all.

Raising a child to think that their parents' success is their own is a losing strategy.

Sure the parents success benefits them but eventually they will have to learn to hunt for themselves.

It is not about the parents success, really. It is more about values and culture.

How can somebody say they are a success if they go around in shabby/ cheap clothing or drive an old broken car, or live in one of those older tiny houses? They cannot.

I think Warren Buffet would disagree...