Anyone have an adult child who seems to hate you suddenly and for no apparent reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the same from 16-18, I was going through a lot after a traumatic event and my parents dismissed it and let me know it was nothing important. I was angry alot and put the anger onto them, even though deep down I was a polite girl and did not want to cause her a hard time. She called the cops on me multiple times and did not understand why I was acting out and attacked me for it so that made me resent her but we have a normal relationship now. Give her space, she might be going through something.

To add, she said that no one would ever love me when I said I wanted to move out and that I deserved to be in an abusive marriage, your not my daughter, among other things. She usually would say pretty harsh stuff and I was used to it but during that time I internalized it because I already felt worthless after the event so it really hurt me and made me push her away. It seems like you are a good mom and understand her though.

So sorry about that, as long as OP isn't abusive it must be her just transitioning and learning how to manage relationships as a 19 yr old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I had a terrible relationship from 16-23ish but we ended up best friends. It’s possible.

Do you know how you and your Mom made this positive turn?

I think it helps a lot if you stop acting like you're the mom and she's the kid and you try to build a relationship as adults. Don't offer advice. Don't tell her what to do. Find mutual interest and do fun things together. See where it goes from there.

Of course relationships change and you should try to do fun things together, but this is a silly modern idea. Your parents are your parents. Just like it is not good parenting to try to be a teenager's "friend," I don't think it is a good idea to try to be your adult child's "friend." You have raised them. You have a unique perspective, an intimacy that no one else has, and an intense hope for your child's well-being. Don't sacrifice that by pretending you aren't their parent.

OP - please stand up for yourself. She has been testing you with bad behavior, and maybe not getting the response that she wants. I'm not saying to engage in anger, but it is OK to have expectations for her behavior toward you, especially if she depends on you for support. That is where the "pathetic" might be coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

Yes. In the midst of this right now.

calling it a "movement" is dismissive and trivializes a loved ones feelings. your emotional reaction to someone giving voice for their feelings says more about you than the other person.

we dont need to agree on feelings, but its important to validate, empathize and discuss options for moving forward. lack of validation and empathy is very destructive to relationships.

Sounds like it comes straight from a therapist's mouth (and I have a MSW).

Even the dictionary buys into this now "validate: demonstrate or support the truth or value of.
"in a healthy family a child's feelings are validated"

We had a son in an intensive OP program for anxiety/depression. We were told that we always needed to "validate" what he was saying. The problem is that anxiety and depression, by their nature, cause distortions of thinking. Therapy used to be about challenging these distortions and helping people see relationships, etc. clearly. Now, therapists sit in a bubble and hear only the patient's assertions and expects the world to mold around those. It is fine to try to understand where someone is coming from, but making OP's daughter feel that only her perceptions and feelings are legitimate is a recipe for problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again -

First - thank you to everyone for your responses.

Yeah - even when you try to do things opposite of your own parents, sometimes it still doesn't work out.

Regarding the word "pathetic" - I am not sure why she chose this word. I used to work as an attorney but then I became a SAHM because my other child has special needs. At this point, we have not communicated in at least 3-4 months. Recently, I had a birthday and not even a "happy birthday" text. Initially, I thought that this was a phase, but the situation is persisting even 1-2 years later. When the situation first started, we didn't even have a fight - just a normal day.

Is she jealous of the time/money/attention the special needs child gets?

Did you give up everything (in her mind) for the special needs child? This could be why she calls you pathetic. Is she afraid of becoming you?

[Anonymous]

Two possible reasons:
1. She blames you for her own mistakes.
2. Given the current timeline, maybe you are maga or she is maga?

[Anonymous]

She could be comparing herself to you and feels she can never live up to being like you. She is separating herself from you. Let her go, when and if she wants to go to counseling with you and hopefully figure it out, say you're open to it otherwise. Go with her choice to "separate, she will need to then live separate from you and your home to figure this out.

Note -I Didn't read all the back posts.