Anyone have an adult child who seems to hate you suddenly and for no apparent reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again -

First - thank you to everyone for your responses.

Yeah - even when you try to do things opposite of your own parents, sometimes it still doesn't work out.

Regarding the word "pathetic" - I am not sure why she chose this word. I used to work as an attorney but then I became a SAHM because my other child has special needs. At this point, we have not communicated in at least 3-4 months. Recently, I had a birthday and not even a "happy birthday" text. Initially, I thought that this was a phase, but the situation is persisting even 1-2 years later. When the situation first started, we didn't even have a fight - just a normal day.

What is her relationship with her dad.

I think "staying home to care for SN child" puts you in the ignoring her over the other kids needs category and constantly asking her to be the "bigger person" when she was to young to have to do that. I'm surprised your therapist has not discussed the issues the neurotypical child has when so much energy is poured into the other child.

Are you stuck with dad now also?

[Anonymous]

I find it odd this is in Adult child forum while technically an adult she is a teen and this started when she was a teen.

[Anonymous]

Age 19 is both a teen and an adult.

[Anonymous]

My mother has serious issues and is in denial about them, which meant I had to create geographic and emotional distance between us as soon as I could leave her house in early adulthood. She did not appreciate my independence and there was a time in my 30s when I had to cut her off, because she started on my young daughter, and I wasn't having any of that. To her credit, she understood that this was a line she couldn't cross and she became a better diplomat. We now have a good long-distance relationship. I KNOW that if we live together again, the relationship will crater just like it did when I was a teen living in her house. She cannot stop herself from being hypercritical and verbally abusive to anyone under her roof. My father is her first victim. But long-distance, with short visits, is fine.

So now on to your case: you seem like an honest protagonist, OP. I cannot tell from here if your daughter has diagnosable issues (like one of my friends' daughters, who sadly has a personality disorder and makes herself extremely disagreeable to her parents and sibling), in which case you will have lifelong challenges with her; or whether this is her time to detach emotionally and grow into a more mature, more loving adult. Adolescence and young adulthood is the time when schizophrenia and other serious disorders can develop.

I hope it's not that she's been abused by a third party and is taking it out on you, for some reason.

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age 19 is both a teen and an adult.

Exactly so it was a choice I think she has been adult this child for a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd this is in Adult child forum while technically an adult she is a teen and this started when she was a teen.

Yeah, I think this is indicative of how this child has been treated in the house for years (as one whose life is going well and shouldn't have any reason to complain).

OP, I'm the adult child of a parent who spent decades caring for a mentally ill sibling, and was never allowed to seek out care because my life was so "normal and fine."

I'm in the 40s and I can still barely look at my mother and can't stand to be in the same house as her. It's very stressful and keeps me from feeling like I can freely pursue happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a very good relationship with my daughter until she was around 16. Suddenly, around 17, she began to detest me, but she could never articulate any reasons (i.e. no abuse - physical, mental, narcissism, etc.). Both my husband and I have always loved her tremendously, provided for her, cheered her on at all her games and activities, and allowed her to pursue her own dreams. She is 19 now and she is at the point, where she wants nothing to do with her family (but me in particular). She told me that she cannot even stand to look at me and that I am pathetic. Her therapist had once told me that it is really an issue that is more about her than me. However, it's just been so painful and I just don't understand what is going on. She blames me for everything that went wrong in her life. She also says that she's upset that I didn't put a lot of pressure on her growing up (which I purposely tried not to do because I hated having so much pressure when I was growing up). From the outside, she looks like she has it all (she was a good student, got into all her top choices for college, had wonderful friends and was very pleasant around everyone - except me). Anyways, just wondering if others can relate? If so, did things get better? And how?

There are tons of adult daughters on here that treat their parents like that. Just look at all the threads in the family relationship forum. They might give you some insight as to what is wrong with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

Yes. In the midst of this right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she chose the word "pathetic?" Do you have a career? Were you a SAHM? Do you ever stand-up to her? If my sons treated me that way, there's absolutely no way I wouldn't speak up for myself and tell them that I absolutely do not deserve what they're dishing out. My guess is she feels like a plain Jane and now somehow wishes she'd had it harder to give her an edge or something. Don't accept her critcisms about giving her stress free childhood. She's ridiculous.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

Yes. In the midst of this right now.

calling it a "movement" is dismissive and trivializes a loved ones feelings. your emotional reaction to someone giving voice for their feelings says more about you than the other person.

we dont need to agree on feelings, but its important to validate, empathize and discuss options for moving forward. lack of validation and empathy is very destructive to relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, a lot kids are really selfish at that age.[/quot

Give her the options to stay in the dormitory during spring break or live on campus during the summer!. She's being unreasonable. B*****

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd this is in Adult child forum while technically an adult she is a teen and this started when she was a teen.

Yeah, I think this is indicative of how this child has been treated in the house for years (as one whose life is going well and shouldn't have any reason to complain).

OP, I'm the adult child of a parent who spent decades caring for a mentally ill sibling, and was never allowed to seek out care because my life was so "normal and fine."

I'm in the 40s and I can still barely look at my mother and can't stand to be in the same house as her. It's very stressful and keeps me from feeling like I can freely pursue happiness.

To suggest that OP neglected her daughter because she was busy caring for another child with higher needs is unfair. One of my children has special needs and we are friends with lots of families who have a child with special needs, plus neurotypical children (who all have had their moments as well). They're all teens now and young adults now. NOT ONE OF THEM has behaved like OP's daughter. We have given careful thought to balancing our children's needs, and our neurotypical kids all understand how difficult that tightrope is, sometimes. None of them resent the time that we, and other parents, have had to devote to their needier siblings. My neurotypical child has a medical condition that requires extra care, so actually, both our children need caregiving beyond that which a child, healthy in mind and body, would need.

I find it terrible that you would directly blame the mother for everything, without even knowing OP personally or extending her the courtesy of believing what she said: to wit, that her daughter had a very typical childhood. If OP was lying her head off, she wouldn't be posting, would she? Maybe OP does not realize that her parenting has been lacking, in which case you can only be helpful if you ask her to examine the past with honesty.

Reading her posts, I think OP sounds reasonable. I hope her daughter comes around, and shares what exactly is bothering her. Maybe it's just a really severe case of soiling the nest. Maybe it's something more nefarious, such as a mental health issue.

[Anonymous]

It's very sad. I know 4 women who are alienated from at least one child. (One I've known since her children were young, the others I met in the past few years.) They all seem like normal women and speak of their children with such love.

I lost my young grandson to a heart defect, and it makes me cry for these women that they cannot have a relationship with their own grandchildren. I'm sorry OP, I hope your daughter comes around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd this is in Adult child forum while technically an adult she is a teen and this started when she was a teen.

Yeah, I think this is indicative of how this child has been treated in the house for years (as one whose life is going well and shouldn't have any reason to complain).

OP, I'm the adult child of a parent who spent decades caring for a mentally ill sibling, and was never allowed to seek out care because my life was so "normal and fine."

I'm in the 40s and I can still barely look at my mother and can't stand to be in the same house as her. It's very stressful and keeps me from feeling like I can freely pursue happiness.

To suggest that OP neglected her daughter because she was busy caring for another child with higher needs is unfair. One of my children has special needs and we are friends with lots of families who have a child with special needs, plus neurotypical children (who all have had their moments as well). They're all teens now and young adults now. NOT ONE OF THEM has behaved like OP's daughter. We have given careful thought to balancing our children's needs, and our neurotypical kids all understand how difficult that tightrope is, sometimes. None of them resent the time that we, and other parents, have had to devote to their needier siblings. My neurotypical child has a medical condition that requires extra care, so actually, both our children need caregiving beyond that which a child, healthy in mind and body, would need.

I find it terrible that you would directly blame the mother for everything, without even knowing OP personally or extending her the courtesy of believing what she said: to wit, that her daughter had a very typical childhood. If OP was lying her head off, she wouldn't be posting, would she? Maybe OP does not realize that her parenting has been lacking, in which case you can only be helpful if you ask her to examine the past with honesty.

Reading her posts, I think OP sounds reasonable. I hope her daughter comes around, and shares what exactly is bothering her. Maybe it's just a really severe case of soiling the nest. Maybe it's something more nefarious, such as a mental health issue.

OP does sound reasonable, but that doesn't mean that her daughter's perspective of things is very different from OPs. And I do agree that the phrasing of calling her an adult child does make me wonder if this has a lot to do with it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. This happened to my friend. Her daughter, now in her mid-20s, will not talk to her or her husband or her grandparents to whom she was very close. Her grandfather has a terminal illness now and it's heartbreaking; she doesn't even attend family events or check in on him. She says her parents were too strict growing up (this is a girl who grew up in an affluent area with two very successful parents - physicians - who were probably not strict enough given their work commitments).