Anyone have an adult child who seems to hate you suddenly and for no apparent reason?

[Anonymous]

I had a very good relationship with my daughter until she was around 16. Suddenly, around 17, she began to detest me, but she could never articulate any reasons (i.e. no abuse - physical, mental, narcissism, etc.). Both my husband and I have always loved her tremendously, provided for her, cheered her on at all her games and activities, and allowed her to pursue her own dreams. She is 19 now and she is at the point, where she wants nothing to do with her family (but me in particular). She told me that she cannot even stand to look at me and that I am pathetic. Her therapist had once told me that it is really an issue that is more about her than me. However, it's just been so painful and I just don't understand what is going on. She blames me for everything that went wrong in her life. She also says that she's upset that I didn't put a lot of pressure on her growing up (which I purposely tried not to do because I hated having so much pressure when I was growing up). From the outside, she looks like she has it all (she was a good student, got into all her top choices for college, had wonderful friends and was very pleasant around everyone - except me). Anyways, just wondering if others can relate? If so, did things get better? And how?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. She sounds miserable. I would probably have to step back for a bit.

[Anonymous]

There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. That sounds painful. Therapists is probably right but that little consolation. FWIW, there was a period where I wanted nothing to do with my mom. But every single Saturday morning she called me (not obnoxiously early) for years. It meant a lot to me even if I didn’t admit it at the time. Eventually we developed a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, a lot kids are really selfish at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a blame-your-parents-for-everything movement in the internet. It's trendy to call parents "emotionally immature", "neglectful", etc.

People keep forgetting that parents weren't born adults, they are the product of their upbringing. If you question their parenting, wait till you become a parent of your own teen.

[Anonymous]

I can commiserate. DD is 18 & a senior, & I have whiplash - one day she is sweet & affectionate, the next she absolutely hates me (& DH). The days she hates us outnumber the others by a big margin. DH & I are pretty typical parents - albeit a little boring - who love her & each other, provide a nice normal life, go to all of her events, support all of her passions, have fun & joke around, no abuse/drugs/neglect/etc.
We are both kind of bewildered honestly where the hate comes from.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I have read that this type of behavior is somewhat common. However, in many cases, they eventually come around.

[Anonymous]

I hated my parents at that age but in hindsight, they were horribly abusive- choking, holes punched in walls, my brother even was sexually creepy to me. And if you talk to my parents they'll blame it on me, the kid with at least 4 extracurriculars and multiple instruments who was in honors courses and volunteered in her free time.

So maybe there is abuse and you're in denial?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hated my parents at that age but in hindsight, they were horribly abusive- choking, holes punched in walls, my brother even was sexually creepy to me. And if you talk to my parents they'll blame it on me, the kid with at least 4 extracurriculars and multiple instruments who was in honors courses and volunteered in her free time.

So maybe there is abuse and you're in denial?

I truly doubt that is the case for OP. Sorry you had such a hard time. Most homes are not abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hated my parents at that age but in hindsight, they were horribly abusive- choking, holes punched in walls, my brother even was sexually creepy to me. And if you talk to my parents they'll blame it on me, the kid with at least 4 extracurriculars and multiple instruments who was in honors courses and volunteered in her free time.

So maybe there is abuse and you're in denial?

OP here-definitely no abuse. My daughter even shared the same sentiments (that she knows that she wasn't abused) with my husband. She just says that I am a pathetic person who she cannot even look at or respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a very good relationship with my daughter until she was around 16. Suddenly, around 17, she began to detest me, but she could never articulate any reasons (i.e. no abuse - physical, mental, narcissism, etc.). Both my husband and I have always loved her tremendously, provided for her, cheered her on at all her games and activities, and allowed her to pursue her own dreams. She is 19 now and she is at the point, where she wants nothing to do with her family (but me in particular). She told me that she cannot even stand to look at me and that I am pathetic. Her therapist had once told me that it is really an issue that is more about her than me. However, it's just been so painful and I just don't understand what is going on. She blames me for everything that went wrong in her life. She also says that she's upset that I didn't put a lot of pressure on her growing up (which I purposely tried not to do because I hated having so much pressure when I was growing up). From the outside, she looks like she has it all (she was a good student, got into all her top choices for college, had wonderful friends and was very pleasant around everyone - except me). Anyways, just wondering if others can relate? If so, did things get better? And how?

Sorry OP. Mine came around by the time she was 19, maybe give her a little more time to figure herself out, let her know you are still there to support her. Is she in college? Does she have future plans? It def is more about her than it is about u

[Anonymous]

Why do you think she chose the word "pathetic?" Do you have a career? Were you a SAHM? Do you ever stand-up to her? If my sons treated me that way, there's absolutely no way I wouldn't speak up for myself and tell them that I absolutely do not deserve what they're dishing out. My guess is she feels like a plain Jane and now somehow wishes she'd had it harder to give her an edge or something. Don't accept her critcisms about giving her stress free childhood. She's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Did your husband cheat on you and you stayed?

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of young women go through this weird pulling away from/separating from their mom’s phase where they desperately want to differentiate themselves from their mothers. They aren’t mature enough to understand their moms as whole human beings, just as “mom”.

I’d give her space, as she matures she will hopefully gain perspective and will come back to you and your relationship will be stronger for it.