MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL baited you and you fell for it. Now she has more fodder for her gossip. In the future, a simple, “what on earth are you talking about” is a much better response. You’ve just affirmed all the terrible things she thinks.

NP. So you are actively suggesting that OP gaslight MIL. OK.

If there's distance or tension, grown people with good intentions should be able to talk about it. Now we know MIL is neither mature nor well-intentioned, but it was reasonable for OP to try rather than to gaslight and be fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.

This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.

I am the poster who said you didn’t win. This is exactly why. This interaction, which makes you look bad on its face, will be distorted and expanded and spread all over kingdom come, and the worst part now is there will be a kernel of truth. Ugh.

Dp here. Both dh and I held our tongues and tried everything to smooth our relationship with our ils. When we backed off and stopped talking to them, they continued to make up lies about both of us and our children. It was embarrassing for them because the people they said things to knew us and knew things weren't true and could not be true. The ils knew so little about us, their lies were obvious to people who did know us.

Unlike you, pp, I think if we had spoken up more directly from the start we might have had a chance of getting them to understand there were boundaries they should not cross.

You’d be wrong. You can think that all you want, but these people don’t ever respect boundaries and aren’t going to start because you were rude to them.

Np — Can you please explain how OP was “rude” when she answered MIL’s question? Asked and answered.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. We teach toddlers this.

You don’t have to answer people just because they pose a rude question to you.

DP, funny tha MIL is not held up to your standard. MIL sure said something that was nice and that she did not have to say at all.

Of course she is. Note I said she posed a rude question. Two wrongs don’t make a right, if you want me to double down on old canards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL baited you and you fell for it. Now she has more fodder for her gossip. In the future, a simple, “what on earth are you talking about” is a much better response. You’ve just affirmed all the terrible things she thinks.

NP. So you are actively suggesting that OP gaslight MIL. OK.

If there's distance or tension, grown people with good intentions should be able to talk about it. Now we know MIL is neither mature nor well-intentioned, but it was reasonable for OP to try rather than to gaslight and be fake.

Neither the mother in law or OP handled this situation like adults. If OP’s quote is exactly (or close to) what the MIL said then MIL didn’t start the conversation from a place of wanting to resolve anything and because of that it’s not worth engaging. OP’ response was to attack. I’m not suggesting that OP doesn’t have a reason to be upset but I don’t think she handled it well. You don’t have to agree with me, it’s just my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you sound terrible. You being cold and distant for years is not “certainly always being nice and polite.”

You sound like you think you won this. You didn’t. Nobody wins when people act like you.

Why do you even attend if you show up cold and distant? If you don't like these people and ooze coldness really consider staying home. I'd send DH and children solo next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL baited you and you fell for it. Now she has more fodder for her gossip. In the future, a simple, “what on earth are you talking about” is a much better response. You’ve just affirmed all the terrible things she thinks.

NP. So you are actively suggesting that OP gaslight MIL. OK.

If there's distance or tension, grown people with good intentions should be able to talk about it. Now we know MIL is neither mature nor well-intentioned, but it was reasonable for OP to try rather than to gaslight and be fake.

Neither the mother in law or OP handled this situation like adults. If OP’s quote is exactly (or close to) what the MIL said then MIL didn’t start the conversation from a place of wanting to resolve anything and because of that it’s not worth engaging. OP’ response was to attack. I’m not suggesting that OP doesn’t have a reason to be upset but I don’t think she handled it well. You don’t have to agree with me, it’s just my opinion.

I just never realized actively suggesting gaslighting could possibly be considered "handling something well."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL baited you and you fell for it. Now she has more fodder for her gossip. In the future, a simple, “what on earth are you talking about” is a much better response. You’ve just affirmed all the terrible things she thinks.

NP. So you are actively suggesting that OP gaslight MIL. OK.

If there's distance or tension, grown people with good intentions should be able to talk about it. Now we know MIL is neither mature nor well-intentioned, but it was reasonable for OP to try rather than to gaslight and be fake.

Neither the mother in law or OP handled this situation like adults. If OP’s quote is exactly (or close to) what the MIL said then MIL didn’t start the conversation from a place of wanting to resolve anything and because of that it’s not worth engaging. OP’ response was to attack. I’m not suggesting that OP doesn’t have a reason to be upset but I don’t think she handled it well. You don’t have to agree with me, it’s just my opinion.

I just never realized actively suggesting gaslighting could possibly be considered "handling something well."

Well now you know. Youre trying to justify a confrontation and as can be seen from OP’s post airing her laundry list of all the things MIL has done to her didn’t make anything better, hence the posting in DCUM so ok. I personally think timing of the conversation is more important, I also think restraining one’s emotions is also important buying myself time to think through how I’d like to respond rather than being ambushed on a family vacation is more important but you should feel free go about your interactions in the way that you think is best for you and I’ll be sure to go about mine in the way I deem appropriate for me. Not a big deal. And no, no matter hat you say I don’t agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Team OP.

Your MIL sounds like mine and I’m a DW of nearly 25 years. I had to go Gray Rock 10 years ago when my MIL yelled at me in public.

Prior to her outburst, she’d always lie in wait and try to corner me or catch me off guard with a rude comment, intrusive question or passive aggressive “compliment” (this dessert you made is actually good this time, you look better than you did last week, remember that Thanksgiving when you crammed us all into your tiny dining room). Enough already.

So, I got into therapy and established boundaries. First thing to go: no more vacationing with ILs. Then, dropped the rope as to buying gifts, visiting and arranging anything for ILs. Turned it all over to DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mother like this. Here’s the thing OP. Now you know for yourself and your own integrity that you tried to have an honest dialogue. Armed with the outcome of how that went, you go grey rock and put up boundaries. Nothing else to do.

Yes this. Also, drop the rope on all communicating. It's all up to your DH to do.

I read somewhere that the goal with someone nasty is to be be "dumb and cheerful". I don't do well pretending to be that, but it helps guide me when I get so annoyed Im' about to say something rude. I'll mutter "dumb and cheerful" under my breath until the urge to tell her to eff off has passed. My MIL likes to lecture at us most of the time, so I don't generally have to do a lot of talking.

[Anonymous]

PP 16:06. Also beware of MIL manipulating your DC. My very mature and observant 14DD came home after a visit to Gma telling me MIL asked HER very pointed questions about *me* to include, “why doesn’t your mom like me? What do you think the reason is? And great zinger - your mom is a messy housekeeper-what does she do all day?”

Up to this point, I didn’t openly share my annoyances and concerns with MIL but this was a watershed moment when DD consoled me with, “Mom. I get it now.”

[Anonymous]

No more vacations with this toxic monster. No more visits, either. Go out of your way to avoid
MIL.

Stay -as PP mentioned- dumb and cheerful, respectfully quiet, polite and crisp, never rude. Say very little. Share no thoughts/dreams/plans/concerns and certainly no details about your health, career, personal or family life. No funny stories. Turn yourself into the most benign, banal boring robot of a person.

If things should get heated like MIL ramps up to launch into a tirade against you or weird criticism you leave the scene. Just walk out. Leave the table. Leave the party. Drive home.

Never expect an apology. You’ll never get one. Don’t wait for an opportune time to vent, either.

As my therapist says, you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells waiting anticipating when and if you’ll be the target of this person’s wrath.

My MIL now has a dementia related condition and I’ve never felt more free. Sad, but true. The dragon has been slayed.

[Anonymous]

It's family. I never get DCUM and their anti family vibes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's family. I never get DCUM and their anti family vibes.

“Family” does not mean putting up with manipulation, toxicity, lies and guilt-tripping. Standing up for yourself is not only OK, it’s the only good example to set for your children.

Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's family. I never get DCUM and their anti family vibes.

“Family” does not mean putting up with manipulation, toxicity, lies and guilt-tripping. Standing up for yourself is not only OK, it’s the only good example to set for your children.

Period.

I’m going to guess a few more things happened than just arriving a few minutes late. We’re getting a very one sided sanitized version of whatever the history is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No more vacations with this toxic monster. No more visits, either. Go out of your way to avoid
MIL.

Stay -as PP mentioned- dumb and cheerful, respectfully quiet, polite and crisp, never rude. Say very little. Share no thoughts/dreams/plans/concerns and certainly no details about your health, career, personal or family life. No funny stories. Turn yourself into the most benign, banal boring robot of a person.

If things should get heated like MIL ramps up to launch into a tirade against you or weird criticism you leave the scene. Just walk out. Leave the table. Leave the party. Drive home.

Never expect an apology. You’ll never get one. Don’t wait for an opportune time to vent, either.

As my therapist says, [b]you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells waiting anticipating when and if you’ll be the target of this person’s wrath.[/b]

My MIL now has a dementia related condition and I’ve never felt more free. Sad, but true. The dragon has been slayed.

This is exactly how I feel with my mother who always had a nasty streak, but it got worse with age, and how we used to feel with alcoholic MIL before her organs gave out from all the alcohol.

[Anonymous]

OP, you let time pass. For a new normal. Maybe each of you will feel more comfortable and natural, and authentic with each other. Or not. You can't expect a big change fast. Put it on the calendar, for 2 years from now, to then consider it again .. has it gotten better.