NP. So you are actively suggesting that OP gaslight MIL. OK. If there's distance or tension, grown people with good intentions should be able to talk about it. Now we know MIL is neither mature nor well-intentioned, but it was reasonable for OP to try rather than to gaslight and be fake. |
Of course she is. Note I said she posed a rude question. Two wrongs don’t make a right, if you want me to double down on old canards. |
Neither the mother in law or OP handled this situation like adults. If OP’s quote is exactly (or close to) what the MIL said then MIL didn’t start the conversation from a place of wanting to resolve anything and because of that it’s not worth engaging. OP’ response was to attack. I’m not suggesting that OP doesn’t have a reason to be upset but I don’t think she handled it well. You don’t have to agree with me, it’s just my opinion. |
Why do you even attend if you show up cold and distant? If you don't like these people and ooze coldness really consider staying home. I'd send DH and children solo next time. |
I just never realized actively suggesting gaslighting could possibly be considered "handling something well." |
Well now you know. Youre trying to justify a confrontation and as can be seen from OP’s post airing her laundry list of all the things MIL has done to her didn’t make anything better, hence the posting in DCUM so ok. I personally think timing of the conversation is more important, I also think restraining one’s emotions is also important buying myself time to think through how I’d like to respond rather than being ambushed on a family vacation is more important but you should feel free go about your interactions in the way that you think is best for you and I’ll be sure to go about mine in the way I deem appropriate for me. Not a big deal. And no, no matter hat you say I don’t agree with you. |
Team OP.
Your MIL sounds like mine and I’m a DW of nearly 25 years. I had to go Gray Rock 10 years ago when my MIL yelled at me in public. Prior to her outburst, she’d always lie in wait and try to corner me or catch me off guard with a rude comment, intrusive question or passive aggressive “compliment” (this dessert you made is actually good this time, you look better than you did last week, remember that Thanksgiving when you crammed us all into your tiny dining room). Enough already. So, I got into therapy and established boundaries. First thing to go: no more vacationing with ILs. Then, dropped the rope as to buying gifts, visiting and arranging anything for ILs. Turned it all over to DH. |
Yes this. Also, drop the rope on all communicating. It's all up to your DH to do. I read somewhere that the goal with someone nasty is to be be "dumb and cheerful". I don't do well pretending to be that, but it helps guide me when I get so annoyed Im' about to say something rude. I'll mutter "dumb and cheerful" under my breath until the urge to tell her to eff off has passed. My MIL likes to lecture at us most of the time, so I don't generally have to do a lot of talking. |
PP 16:06. Also beware of MIL manipulating your DC. My very mature and observant 14DD came home after a visit to Gma telling me MIL asked HER very pointed questions about *me* to include, “why doesn’t your mom like me? What do you think the reason is? And great zinger - your mom is a messy housekeeper-what does she do all day?”
Up to this point, I didn’t openly share my annoyances and concerns with MIL but this was a watershed moment when DD consoled me with, “Mom. I get it now.” |
No more vacations with this toxic monster. No more visits, either. Go out of your way to avoid
MIL. Stay -as PP mentioned- dumb and cheerful, respectfully quiet, polite and crisp, never rude. Say very little. Share no thoughts/dreams/plans/concerns and certainly no details about your health, career, personal or family life. No funny stories. Turn yourself into the most benign, banal boring robot of a person. If things should get heated like MIL ramps up to launch into a tirade against you or weird criticism you leave the scene. Just walk out. Leave the table. Leave the party. Drive home. Never expect an apology. You’ll never get one. Don’t wait for an opportune time to vent, either. As my therapist says, you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells waiting anticipating when and if you’ll be the target of this person’s wrath. My MIL now has a dementia related condition and I’ve never felt more free. Sad, but true. The dragon has been slayed. |
It's family. I never get DCUM and their anti family vibes. |
“Family” does not mean putting up with manipulation, toxicity, lies and guilt-tripping. Standing up for yourself is not only OK, it’s the only good example to set for your children. Period. |
I’m going to guess a few more things happened than just arriving a few minutes late. We’re getting a very one sided sanitized version of whatever the history is. |
This is exactly how I feel with my mother who always had a nasty streak, but it got worse with age, and how we used to feel with alcoholic MIL before her organs gave out from all the alcohol. |
OP, you let time pass. For a new normal. Maybe each of you will feel more comfortable and natural, and authentic with each other. Or not. You can't expect a big change fast. Put it on the calendar, for 2 years from now, to then consider it again .. has it gotten better. |