MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
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Anonymous
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Sorry, this is just a vent, and I’ll try not to be too long. My husband’s family gathers for a late beach weekend in VA Beach this time every year. MIL and FIL and I are not close, but we are certainly always nice and polite to each other. My husband’s younger cousins are now starting to date and bring people to events, and I think some of the dynamics MIL sees with her peers and their children’s significant others is triggering what happened yesterday.
We arrived later than most people because we chose not to pull our oldest out of school early, as her hardest subject happened to be the last one of the day. This was ultimately my husband’s decision; I left it up to him to discuss with DD, because this is his family’s trip. But of course MIL blames me that we arrive later than most people on Friday. On Saturday afternoon, I am standing on the beach watching my kids when she comes up to me and says, “What did I ever do to you? I want to know. I want to know why you think it’s OK to be so cold and distant with me.” Not exactly a “could we have a discussion when you’re ready about ways we can forge a closer relationship,” but OK. So I told her. I told her about all the times I’ve heard her gossiping about me behind my back, even in my own home, and all the times well-meaning family members have let me know what she and FIL say about me. (Which they shouldn’t have done, but when you hear the same thing from multiple people, you know it’s true.) I also said the way she and FIL gossip about their other DIL in front of me and the way they try to get me to say bad things about her and other significant others in the family has led me to distrust MIL and FIL and feel I cannot be close to them. She immediately comes back with, “Oh so I’m not perfect and you’ll never forgive me. Not very ‘Christian’ of you, since you claim to be a ‘Christian.’” (She is also a Christian BTW.) And I said, “Forgiveness starts with accountability and an apology, so if you want to seek my forgiveness, I will absolutely listen.” And she barrels into, “Well don’t you think YOU have done things that hurt US over the years?” I said, “I’m sure the distance I have created to protect myself has been hurtful to you. I can recognize that. If there are specific things I have said or done that have hurt you, now is the time to tell me so I can reflect and apologize.” And that wasn’t good enough for her, she went into “Well we have bad memories so I can’t tell you everything you did to me.” And I said, “Let me know if you think of some specific things so that I can reflect and apologize.” She then forces hugs and says this was great and cleared the air. Because she can’t take any accountability and can’t even tell me one thing I did to her. She is now going over the top nicey-nicey, but for me, I feel like drawing back and protecting myself even more. She is not close with my husband, or with her other son or his wife. But I guess I was the target yesterday. |
Anonymous
| Ah. You should have just said, I am not sure what you mean Margaret. |
Anonymous
OP here. You are probably right. It was very confrontational; there was a lot of anger being directed at me. And I wasn’t prepared for it. I think my knee-jerk reaction was, “honesty is the best policy.” I’m used to talking through problems or misunderstanding with my family and friends. But I see your point and I think you are right. There was certainly nothing gained by being honest. But I think this is the first time in my life I’ve felt that honesty and trying to have an open dialogue did not help improve a relationship. This is just a new one for me. |
Anonymous
| I mean your 'honesty' was well you are horrible and I am a saint. You didn't take any accountability either. Honestly isn't really when you just blame everyone else but act like you are righteous. And given your disdain and disgust for them I am sure there are many things you have said and done that weren't perfect either. |
Anonymous
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How old is she? She said she has memory issues. Maybe she has dementia in the early stages
My mom was irascible and mean for years and in retrospect it was early dementia |
Anonymous
OP here. I know I’m not perfect. But when she asked me why I am cold and distant, well, I have reasons for being distant to protect myself. She has blamed me for many of my husband’s decisions or actions/inactions over the years: that hasn’t engendered trust. She asked me a question, and I answered. If she had approached me more openly and framed it a different way, I can see how the conversation could have gone a different way. I understand that she has been hurt by my distance, but it didn’t come from nowhere. And she couldn’t give me one thing that I’ve said or done that has hurt her that I can apologize for. I would be happy to if there was something I said or did that she wanted to bring to my attention. And I did acknowledge to her that I’m sure the distance has been painful. She said she appreciated that. |
Anonymous
OP here. She is 76. She has been telling me she and her husband aren’t good listeners and don’t remember things for 17 years. I haven’t noticed any different behavior, but I will keep that in mind and I will keep an eye on that. That is a good point. |
Anonymous
| Why do you confuse this with a place where it is appropriate to “vent?” Nobody here care about your toxic relationship with your in-laws. |
Anonymous
| Oh she is expert level 400 if she was able to throw all that right back to you and throw in a Christian slam as well. All that was missing was the manipulative crying. This woman has been practicing her whole life. |
Anonymous
This plus these elaborate tales of I said, then she said, are almost always trolls. |
Anonymous
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Neither of you have self awareness so you are likely to be at each other for much of the time.
Both think the other is the problem and that they themselves are doing nothing wrong. Impossible to resolve a conflict when neither side has self awareness or takes responsibility. It will just go in circles of finger pointing. Just let your husband go with the kids and you can stay home. Both of you will enjoy the time more without being around each other. |
Anonymous
Are you new here? If no one posted about their toxic in-laws it would be tumbleweeds at DCUM. |
Anonymous
Right so people make up stories about how saintly they are yet get nothing for Christmas from the evil MIL. But it’s all fake. There isn’t much real drama so it gets invented. |
Anonymous
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Honestly you sound terrible. You being cold and distant for years is not “certainly always being nice and polite.”
You sound like you think you won this. You didn’t. Nobody wins when people act like you. |
Anonymous
| I can’t believe I read that whole thing thinking the response would be funny or interesting. |