MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I thought it was great. I have spent my whole life being a people pleaser and thinking I am taking the high road every time I am polite to someone who is obnoxious. Now in middle age with so many stressors at once, I am polite at first, but if you F around, you will find out.

Her question was neither polite nor respectful in the words she chose. She was trying to put you on the defense. You answered the question. It doesn't matter that OP isn't perfect. She doesn't ask abrasive questions. If MIL said "I want you to feel more comfortable around me. Is there something I do that offends you?" Regardless, MIL asked a question and OP gave her honest answer.

Well done OP. She needs to learn if she is going to chose an abrasive way of communicating you will not cower and kiss as$.

OP here. Thank you. This resonates with me so much. I am people pleaser, but as you say, life gets harder with my oldest in middle school, recent deaths in my family, recent death of a friend, and busy time at work. I have the capacity to manage myself and help my husband and kids, and my village when I can.

We go out of our way to attend this trip, and it’s a long drive and I make a lot of food and DH does tons of clean-up. It’s a busy time for both our works and school and frankly it’s much easier for all the retirees.

[Anonymous]

A lot of nasty people on this thread today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you confuse this with a place where it is appropriate to “vent?” Nobody here care about your toxic relationship with your in-laws.

Are you new here? If no one posted about their toxic in-laws it would be tumbleweeds at DCUM.

Right so people make up stories about how saintly they are yet get nothing for Christmas from the evil MIL. But it’s all fake. There isn’t much real drama so it gets invented.

Who’s forcing you to read?

The same people forcing you to respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you confuse this with a place where it is appropriate to “vent?” Nobody here care about your toxic relationship with your in-laws.

Are you new here? If no one posted about their toxic in-laws it would be tumbleweeds at DCUM.

Right so people make up stories about how saintly they are yet get nothing for Christmas from the evil MIL. But it’s all fake. There isn’t much real drama so it gets invented.

Wow. I'm glad you've never had to deal with a toxic mother in law. But to think people would make this stuff up? Nope. Mostly it's true. Just thank you're lucky stars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I thought it was great. I have spent my whole life being a people pleaser and thinking I am taking the high road every time I am polite to someone who is obnoxious. Now in middle age with so many stressors at once, I am polite at first, but if you F around, you will find out.

Her question was neither polite nor respectful in the words she chose. She was trying to put you on the defense. You answered the question. It doesn't matter that OP isn't perfect. She doesn't ask abrasive questions. If MIL said "I want you to feel more comfortable around me. Is there something I do that offends you?" Regardless, MIL asked a question and OP gave her honest answer.

Well done OP. She needs to learn if she is going to chose an abrasive way of communicating you will not cower and kiss as$.

OP here. Thank you. This resonates with me so much. I am people pleaser, but as you say, life gets harder with my oldest in middle school, recent deaths in my family, recent death of a friend, and busy time at work. I have the capacity to manage myself and help my husband and kids, and my village when I can.

We go out of our way to attend this trip, and it’s a long drive and I make a lot of food and DH does tons of clean-up. It’s a busy time for both our works and school and frankly it’s much easier for all the retirees.

I feel the same. The fact that you're even participating in this given her poor treatment of you is something she should appreciate. You might want to make less food and order more. For me, when I go out of my way to work hard to help people who treat me poorly it makes me resentful. You sound like you might be similar, so try and reduce your resentfulness by reducing how much you do.

[Anonymous]

I’d be annoyed that she thinks you arrived “late” when your dd had school. Why does she think your dd should miss school for people she’ll see all weekend?

[Anonymous]

Is she an addict or an alcoholic op? She sounds just like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I thought it was great. I have spent my whole life being a people pleaser and thinking I am taking the high road every time I am polite to someone who is obnoxious. Now in middle age with so many stressors at once, I am polite at first, but if you F around, you will find out.

Her question was neither polite nor respectful in the words she chose. She was trying to put you on the defense. You answered the question. It doesn't matter that OP isn't perfect. She doesn't ask abrasive questions. If MIL said "I want you to feel more comfortable around me. Is there something I do that offends you?" Regardless, MIL asked a question and OP gave her honest answer.

Well done OP. She needs to learn if she is going to chose an abrasive way of communicating you will not cower and kiss as$.

OP here. Thank you. This resonates with me so much. I am people pleaser, but as you say, life gets harder with my oldest in middle school, recent deaths in my family, recent death of a friend, and busy time at work. I have the capacity to manage myself and help my husband and kids, and my village when I can.

We go out of our way to attend this trip, and it’s a long drive and I make a lot of food and DH does tons of clean-up. It’s a busy time for both our works and school and frankly it’s much easier for all the retirees.

I feel the same. The fact that you're even participating in this given her poor treatment of you is something she should appreciate. You might want to make less food and order more. For me, when I go out of my way to work hard to help people who treat me poorly it makes me resentful. You sound like you might be similar, so try and reduce your resentfulness by reducing how much you do.

OP here. I think that is really good advice and will help reduce my resentment for not having my efforts appreciated. Thank you for that perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she an addict or an alcoholic op? She sounds just like one.

OP here. I don’t think so, but FIL does drink a ton, especially in group/party settings, and I don’t know how much they drink at home. But I don’t think she is.

[Anonymous]

Team OP.
Keep us posted. Do you know if she’s tried this air clearing with your SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.

This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah. You should have just said, I am not sure what you mean Margaret.

OP here. You are probably right. It was very confrontational; there was a lot of anger being directed at me. And I wasn’t prepared for it. I think my knee-jerk reaction was, “honesty is the best policy.” I’m used to talking through problems or misunderstanding with my family and friends.

But I see your point and I think you are right. There was certainly nothing gained by being honest. But I think this is the first time in my life I’ve felt that honesty and trying to have an open dialogue did not help improve a relationship. This is just a new one for me.

That's my whole relationship with my family in a nutshell OP, and it's why therapy helped me deal with other people but didn't quite help me with my family relationships. It never worked to be honest and upfront with them. Just didn't suit the family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.

This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.

Yep, this right here. All that information has been stored for later, to tell others or to attack you with it years from now. Best to continue to be distant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.

This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.

I am the poster who said you didn’t win. This is exactly why. This interaction, which makes you look bad on its face, will be distorted and expanded and spread all over kingdom come, and the worst part now is there will be a kernel of truth. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.

This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.

I am the poster who said you didn’t win. This is exactly why. This interaction, which makes you look bad on its face, will be distorted and expanded and spread all over kingdom come, and the worst part now is there will be a kernel of truth. Ugh.

OP here. I have decided you know what? I don’t respect people who gossip, blame others for other people’s decisions, and deliberately try to gossip and triangulate against “outsiders.” Sure, I threw her a bone, and may she long enjoy gnawing on it. I no longer care to have her good opinion or the good opinion of anyone who would take her gossip at face value.

My husband’s brother, his wife, and their kids like me. My husband’s aunt and her son like me. My husband’s other extended family members like me. So if MIL and FIL don’t like me, that’s OK. Honest communication is clearly not productive, so back to gray rock and Cheerful Dumb DIL for me.

Thank you all for sharing your perspective and advice.