What do you think about Upper Schools telling parents to butt out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter had her admissions interview at Sidwell for HS, she asked about the relationship between students and teachers and was told by the interviewer (also a teacher), "teachers are not your friends". Was such a weird response.

But guess what....this is 100% true. It's sad. They aren't your friends and most don't want to be your mentors or cheerleaders either. It's so unhealthy. It's like a bunch of PhDs who didn't get a tenure track job and never cared about educating teenagers decided that teaching at a school with prestige might help them save face...and then, even worse, must compete with one another to be the hardest of them all.

[Anonymous]

Its performative/trying to be hardassed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter had her admissions interview at Sidwell for HS, she asked about the relationship between students and teachers and was told by the interviewer (also a teacher), "teachers are not your friends". Was such a weird response.

But guess what....this is 100% true. It's sad. They aren't your friends and most don't want to be your mentors or cheerleaders either. It's so unhealthy. It's like a bunch of PhDs who didn't get a tenure track job and never cared about educating teenagers decided that teaching at a school with prestige might help them save face...and then, even worse, must compete with one another to be the hardest of them all.

Oh but it’s not all true. DC 1 in this story didn’t get in. DC2 in this story has some sort of issue-based bias in perception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my DCs is a 26 year old "big 3" graduate - launched, law school grad and about to be engaged. Recently, they were visiting and reflected on how much they appreciated the hands off "self advocacy" approach of their school and hope for the same for their kids. It helped them grow and mature as a person and and they really hope for the same for their kids. All of their friends are very successful as well - sharing this for complaining parents that think they know better.

ew.

That’s the norm in Big 3 (not GDS which isn’t a Big 3 anyway) so I’m not sure what exactly you’re taking an exception to in what the PP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter had her admissions interview at Sidwell for HS, she asked about the relationship between students and teachers and was told by the interviewer (also a teacher), "teachers are not your friends". Was such a weird response.

But guess what....this is 100% true. It's sad. They aren't your friends and most don't want to be your mentors or cheerleaders either. It's so unhealthy. It's like a bunch of PhDs who didn't get a tenure track job and never cared about educating teenagers decided that teaching at a school with prestige might help them save face...and then, even worse, must compete with one another to be the hardest of them all.

Oh but it’s not all true. DC 1 in this story didn’t get in. DC2 in this story has some sort of issue-based bias in perception.

I don't understand your response. I'm speaking to the fact that teachers, for the most part (sure there are exceptions), are not there to be mentors or leaders to teens. They tend more to be PhDs that are perpetuating the mantra "this is a hard school, if that's not for you, look elsewhere" and on top of it, they are competing with one another to get the badge of honor amongst themselves of "hardest teacher/class". Not speaking to anyone's DC's.

[Anonymous]

That’s not true is my point. Well informed.

The likely bogus story of a kid who never went there is meaningless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter had her admissions interview at Sidwell for HS, she asked about the relationship between students and teachers and was told by the interviewer (also a teacher), "teachers are not your friends". Was such a weird response.

But guess what....this is 100% true. It's sad. They aren't your friends and most don't want to be your mentors or cheerleaders either. It's so unhealthy. It's like a bunch of PhDs who didn't get a tenure track job and never cared about educating teenagers decided that teaching at a school with prestige might help them save face...and then, even worse, must compete with one another to be the hardest of them all.

Being a friend and being a mentor or cheerleader are different things. Teachers are not and should not be students’ “friends.” They should be mentors and coaches and cheerleaders, and the good ones are. In fact, just about every teacher my kid has had across three privates schools from toddler to HS have done this well — but I wouldn’t call any of them my child’s friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter had her admissions interview at Sidwell for HS, she asked about the relationship between students and teachers and was told by the interviewer (also a teacher), "teachers are not your friends". Was such a weird response.

But guess what....this is 100% true. It's sad. They aren't your friends and most don't want to be your mentors or cheerleaders either. It's so unhealthy. It's like a bunch of PhDs who didn't get a tenure track job and never cared about educating teenagers decided that teaching at a school with prestige might help them save face...and then, even worse, must compete with one another to be the hardest of them all.

Being a friend and being a mentor or cheerleader are different things. Teachers are not and should not be students’ “friends.” They should be mentors and coaches and cheerleaders, and the good ones are. In fact, just about every teacher my kid has had across three privates schools from toddler to HS have done this well — but I wouldn’t call any of them my child’s friend.

This is why I separated it this way:
They aren't your friends and most don't want to be your mentors or cheerleaders either.

The sad part is that most are not taking on the role of mentor/coach/cheerleader - as you note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s not true is my point. Well informed.

The likely bogus story of a kid who never went there is meaningless

I don't think the story is bogus - because it 100% captures what we see in day to day life in the HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter had her admissions interview at Sidwell for HS, she asked about the relationship between students and teachers and was told by the interviewer (also a teacher), "teachers are not your friends". Was such a weird response.

But guess what....this is 100% true. It's sad. They aren't your friends and most don't want to be your mentors or cheerleaders either. It's so unhealthy. It's like a bunch of PhDs who didn't get a tenure track job and never cared about educating teenagers decided that teaching at a school with prestige might help them save face...and then, even worse, must compete with one another to be the hardest of them all.

Oh but it’s not all true. DC 1 in this story didn’t get in. DC2 in this story has some sort of issue-based bias in perception.

I don't understand your response. I'm speaking to the fact that teachers, for the most part (sure there are exceptions), are not there to be mentors or leaders to teens. They tend more to be PhDs that are perpetuating the mantra "this is a hard school, if that's not for you, look elsewhere" and on top of it, they are competing with one another to get the badge of honor amongst themselves of "hardest teacher/class". Not speaking to anyone's DC's.

Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher, and I have almost 20 years of experience.

The situation has radically changed over the past several years. While most parents are reasonable and perfectly pleasant, there is a small, crazed minority of parents who have ruined the system for the majority of teachers, students, and parents. These policies are in place because that is the only way to ensure that teachers are not harrassed, slandered, and attacked by a minority of (very, VERY) badly-behaved parents.

I have witnessed a bevy of moms make it their single purpose to humiliate and destroy the careers of colleagues. I have witnessed parents cursing and shouting at colleagues. I have directly experienced parents who send me abusive emails before they have bothered to learn the facts of a situation, and parents who cannot conceal their disgust and scorn for teachers in general, and who believe and act as if every teacher is an enemy and peasant who must be bullied. Again, this is not the majority of parents, but when the minority of badly-behaved parents is allowed to run rampant, it destroys the atmosphere for all teachers at the school, as well as the well-being and possibly the career of the teacher receiving the brunt of the abuse. I do not think any other working professional routinely endures the insults and abuse teachers receive. I really don't.

I agree that constructing a wall between parent and teacher is not the ideal way to support students. But I also don't see any alternative. I don't think it is possible to fully understand just how bad some parents behave toward teachers unless you have witnessed this.

For the record, I have a track record of strong AP scores and great relationships with students and parents. Most of the teachers I have seen abused by parents were perfectly competent as well (not all, but even with weaker teachers, abusing them doesn't improve the situation).

I don't know what the solution is here. But I suggest that rather than blaming the school for these unpleasant policies, you look toward the few badly-behaved parents who have ruined things for us all.

I hear you my complaints are not teacher based, we never felt the need to contact a teacher - although it's sad there are no teacher conferences.

For us, the bigger issue at our school (we are the "it's not-NCS" family) is the admin having zero reflection on what happens in the school on a variety of issues and how it has a very toxic overall impact on culture. When an admin assumes that no feedback is ever worthy and allows that view to permeates to every aspect of (and adult in) the school, it is a problem. And it has a huge impact. Especially when "no feedback is worth" is hand in hand with "we are rigorous and students need to handle it". There's some key sense of humanity and kindness lacking in that equation as it is currently playing out and it lacks understanding that even high achieving mature HS students are still kids and could use some positive mentoring to go along with the rigor and forays into self-advocation.

I will say that we know of others who did have issues with teachers. The same names came up from different circles over different years...so admin should reflect in those situations too - and not just assume it's a student in over their head (as school would say - from parent pushing student to take too hard of a course) or a parent just pushing for a higher grade. (Again - this was not our situation but even from the outside, it seemed like "there was something there" regarding some teachers.....and that in other cases it was likely the student in over their head)

I will also say there were situations where admin were touting policies towards being out sick (during COVID) that were then flatly NOT being played out by staff. The school found this hard to believe - but I heard so many stories from other parents about students returning from long breaks where the policy was not being put into practice. (some parents didn't know about the policy - just them conveying difficulty of return and me saying "but what about this policy..." ).

What do you mean there are no parent-teacher conferences?

Well...I mean this...

Our school had 1 teacher conference in Fall of 9th grade (with only 3 teachers - which may or not match your choice of preferred 3). Then, never again.

Which school?

Sidwell - don't know if this will change with new HS leadership.

Sidwell does not have parent-teacher conferences in HS? That’s ridiculous. My kids are in elementary school right now so I didn’t realize that HS is this - be independent and sink or swim mentality.

Just Fall of 9th grade, 3 teachers (you can list ranking but you may not get the ones you want). That's it. But new HS head could change it....I hope he changes many things. Tweaking here and there on many fronts could make a big difference.

Hopefully, Robbie changes a lot of things. Mamadou set the tone for the entire US in creating a "blame the parents" mindset and in never reflecting on situations and what the school might do better in the future. Even when the school started to address the very concerning mental health survey results last year, message #1 from the administration was "blame the parents for the unrealistic expectations they create for their kids and the way that impacts kids' mental health." It was interesting, though, when the school's counselors expressly stated that "blame the parents" was not consistent with their actual knowledge and experience working with the kids and that in this case Mamadou was wrong. It is a bit troubling though that the discussions on mental health from last spring seem to have fizzled out and no changes have been implemented as the new school year gets started.