What do you think about Upper Schools telling parents to butt out?

[Anonymous]

Our kids attend two Big 3s and both have the philosophy that parents should not be involved in any conversations between students and teachers/coaches.

When teachers/coaches are snarky, inappropriate, or even verbally abusive, the students are supposed to handle it themselves. Students are even punished if parents get involved.

Supposedly this is all in the name of student empowerment but say what you will even a 18 yr old is not on the same footing as a teacher or coach. This seems a perfect way for teachers/coaches to avoid accountability.

On the flip side I get that some parents are privileged PITAs and whine over every little thing making teachers’ lives a misery and wasting their time.

How can schools find a better way than telling students and parents in a blanket way that parents should not be involved in conversations with teachers/coaches?

[Anonymous]

Instead of empower use advocate. The student should download parents on how advocating has been going. If there is a problem then try to help formulate an argument and help outline the administrative steps. But unless it is serious, and I am not saying “I got a b+ and want an a-“, have them ask how they can achieve their goal on the next go around. Don’t be a PITA. And don’t treat your kid like a snowflake. They’ll be worse off later in life, unless they are getting a job at mommy or daddy’s firm. And if that’s the case they’ll just be one more annoying, whiny, young adult.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find out if the conversation actually was snarky. Kids exaggerate. While Jane and Johnny might be lovely at home chances are there’s deeper stuff going on at school and they are editing the situation and presenting something quite different to parents. Private school kids have been taught by parents to leverage their privilege and teachers are often used as scapegoats to a kids own failure or fault.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of the "kids need to learn how to advocate for themselves" is kinda BS.

I mean yes, they do.

But I will give you an example, albeit from a public school. My kid has adhd/anxiety/HFA yet is supposed to advocate for himself in 504 meetings. As an example, he has clauses in his 504 about being protocols for called on in class and being allowed to give oral reports to the teacher alone. But he is supposed to argue with a bunch of grownups like the counselor, teachers etc to keep his accommodations?

I think a lot of it is just teachers not wanting to deal with parents.

[Anonymous]

Some teachers are absolutely horrible. Schools know that but until the line at the admissions office disappears any serious discussion regarding teacher quality won’t occur. I watched one teacher’s videos and noticed mistakes and passed it on to the advisor/dept. chair.

Silence.

I mentioned that the teacher in question had quietly quit on the job a few years before she actually retired and there was quiet acknowledgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids attend two Big 3s and both have the philosophy that parents should not be involved in any conversations between students and teachers/coaches.

When teachers/coaches are snarky, inappropriate, or even verbally abusive, the students are supposed to handle it themselves. Students are even punished if parents get involved.

Supposedly this is all in the name of student empowerment but say what you will even a 18 yr old is not on the same footing as a teacher or coach. This seems a perfect way for teachers/coaches to avoid accountability.

On the flip side I get that some parents are privileged PITAs and whine over every little thing making teachers’ lives a misery and wasting their time.

How can schools find a better way than telling students and parents in a blanket way that parents should not be involved in conversations with teachers/coaches?

Sounds like a way to cover up for very inappropriate coaches and teachers. It's the opposite of safesport best practices.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like helicopter parents are upset when they’re told to stop flying their helicopters.

[Anonymous]

Love the big 3 reference.

[Anonymous]

I understand that some parents are a PITA but our school treats every parent this way and it's nuts. The school takes in zero unsolicited feedback. They generally don't seek it and always brush away anything they don't want to hear. Even for a parent of an independent student who shares nothing and we see no need to engage with teachers...it makes for a crummy culture (for students and families too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that some parents are a PITA but our school treats every parent this way and it's nuts. The school takes in zero unsolicited feedback. They generally don't seek it and always brush away anything they don't want to hear. Even for a parent of an independent student who shares nothing and we see no need to engage with teachers...it makes for a crummy culture (for students and families too).

Is this NCS (upper school)?
It's certainly our experience there.
They say"we're partners with you in your child's education" but if you ever need ANYTHING (like a 5 minute conversation (for the first time ever) when your child is struggling and can't seem to advocate for themselves despite trying repeatedly) they act like you're an insane helicopter parent who is trying to limit your child's independence while grossly overstepping your role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the "kids need to learn how to advocate for themselves" is kinda BS.

I mean yes, they do.

But I will give you an example, albeit from a public school. My kid has adhd/anxiety/HFA yet is supposed to advocate for himself in 504 meetings. As an example, he has clauses in his 504 about being protocols for called on in class and being allowed to give oral reports to the teacher alone. But he is supposed to argue with a bunch of grownups like the counselor, teachers etc to keep his accommodations?

I think a lot of it is just teachers not wanting to deal with parents.

I have a kid with special needs, so I get where you're coming from, but I also know from having encountered them, that there are crazy nutjob parents who harass teachers. So I understand schools need to protect themselves. And as the parent of the aforementioned kid with ADHD/ASD, given he had an IEP then a 504, I was allowed to contact his teachers and counselors. A reasonable school will make reasonable accommodations for families who need a different approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids attend two Big 3s and both have the philosophy that parents should not be involved in any conversations between students and teachers/coaches.

When teachers/coaches are snarky, inappropriate, or even verbally abusive, the students are supposed to handle it themselves. Students are even punished if parents get involved.

Supposedly this is all in the name of student empowerment but say what you will even a 18 yr old is not on the same footing as a teacher or coach. This seems a perfect way for teachers/coaches to avoid accountability.

On the flip side I get that some parents are privileged PITAs and whine over every little thing making teachers’ lives a misery and wasting their time.

How can schools find a better way than telling students and parents in a blanket way that parents should not be involved in conversations with teachers/coaches?

Sounds like a way to cover up for very inappropriate coaches and teachers. It's the opposite of safesport best practices.

Exactly. These schools are grooming the kids. Beware.

[Anonymous]

I’m a private school teacher and parent.

I will not contact any of my dd’s teachers unless my own child has exhausted her resources. It’s her job to reach out to teachers, and her job to deal with potential conflicts. I am an easy walk down the hall from some of the teachers, and I still won’t talk to them about my child.

I am aware some of her teachers aren’t the school’s strongest. I still don’t get involved. That’s part of life. When she heads to college, she may not get the strongest professors. She needs to deal with that, too.

I’ve stepped in only one time, after my daughter tried three times to get a big grade posted in the gradebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love the big 3 reference.

Lol

[Anonymous]

One of my DCs is a 26 year old "big 3" graduate - launched, law school grad and about to be engaged. Recently, they were visiting and reflected on how much they appreciated the hands off "self advocacy" approach of their school and hope for the same for their kids. It helped them grow and mature as a person and and they really hope for the same for their kids. All of their friends are very successful as well - sharing this for complaining parents that think they know better.