Trying to avoid failure to launch adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the downside to having a very nice UMC life and providing a nice comfortable home. They will never want to leave. I know my kids (13 and under) have no appreciation for how good they have it. But it will become very obvious when they are on their own for their first time trying to make their own way. Home will never look so good. Maybe that will light a fire under them to find their own success but it won't be easy.

Kids can’t imagine not living at home when they’re very young. By the end of high school they can’t wait to leave no matter how comfortable a house is.

Unless the young person has some issues making it hard for them to be independent, they will choose a 6th floor walk up in NYC the size of a walk in closet to be with their peers.

That’s what we cared about as Gen Xers. a lot of Gen Z is perfectly happy living with their parents after college for extensive periods.

But there’s a difference between living with your parents while working a decent entry level job and/or going to college, and living with your parents and being a NEET. I wouldn’t call the first failure to launch at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One factor might be that many of us were raised by Silent Generation/Boomer parents, many of whom had kids because that was what you did. They didn't like the experience, and their kids were only too happy to leave.

I think more recent generations chose to have kids, and have stronger relationships with them. I think more young people view living at home as an option, as they get along well with their parents.

+1 this plays into it. I’m 50 and left home as soon as I could. Never wanted to move back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the downside to having a very nice UMC life and providing a nice comfortable home. They will never want to leave. I know my kids (13 and under) have no appreciation for how good they have it. But it will become very obvious when they are on their own for their first time trying to make their own way. Home will never look so good. Maybe that will light a fire under them to find their own success but it won't be easy.

Kids can’t imagine not living at home when they’re very young. By the end of high school they can’t wait to leave no matter how comfortable a house is.

Unless the young person has some issues making it hard for them to be independent, they will choose a 6th floor walk up in NYC the size of a walk in closet to be with their peers.

That’s what we cared about as Gen Xers. a lot of Gen Z is perfectly happy living with their parents after college for extensive periods.

But there’s a difference between living with your parents while working a decent entry level job and/or going to college, and living with your parents and being a NEET. I wouldn’t call the first failure to launch at all.

What is a neet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in an affluent area and I’m shocked at the number of adult kids living at home not doing much. One mom told me not to let our kids move back home or they will never leave. I have multiple neighbors with college grad children who seem to be unemployed or quit their job to come back home.

How do we prevent kids from failing to launch?

We live a very comfortable life. I could see my kids wanting to come back home, which I honestly love the idea of but not at the expense of the kids not working and becoming functional adults.

Give them a six month post graduation grace period like the government does with student loans. Make sure you set expectations in advance as other posters have that they have to contribute while figuring things out. You don’t need to be an ass about it but you can be firm and loving in telling them the why (even though they know) and providing support and help. But be careful that you don’t pressure them so much that in that six months they feel compelled to just do grad school or try to get a professional they may later regret. And if you feel comfortable with it you can let them know you are still a safety net if they truly need down the road but that they are educated adults and need to shoulder all the responsibility that comes with that. No right answer here but good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the downside to having a very nice UMC life and providing a nice comfortable home. They will never want to leave. I know my kids (13 and under) have no appreciation for how good they have it. But it will become very obvious when they are on their own for their first time trying to make their own way. Home will never look so good. Maybe that will light a fire under them to find their own success but it won't be easy.

Kids can’t imagine not living at home when they’re very young. By the end of high school they can’t wait to leave no matter how comfortable a house is.

Unless the young person has some issues making it hard for them to be independent, they will choose a 6th floor walk up in NYC the size of a walk in closet to be with their peers.

That’s what we cared about as Gen Xers. a lot of Gen Z is perfectly happy living with their parents after college for extensive periods.

But there’s a difference between living with your parents while working a decent entry level job and/or going to college, and living with your parents and being a NEET. I wouldn’t call the first failure to launch at all.

What is a neet?

Not in Education Employment or Training

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with making them have jobs. When I was a young adult I could not imagine moving back home and left a month after I graduated college. My brother lived at home until he was in his early 30s. He always had a job, though, and COULD have moved out. He just chose not to and my parents were not going to kick him out.

Part of that was cultural. My dad's side of the family is Italian and I have a surprising number of (all male) relatives from that side who continued to live at home for even longer than my brother did. But does it make him a failure to launch since he held a job that whole time? I don't know.

It does not make him failure to launch (I hate the expression). Your parents didn’t have a problem with it and your brother moved out on his own timeline. No problem to see here.

[Anonymous]

Holy shi t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One factor might be that many of us were raised by Silent Generation/Boomer parents, many of whom had kids because that was what you did. They didn't like the experience, and their kids were only too happy to leave.

I think more recent generations chose to have kids, and have stronger relationships with them. I think more young people view living at home as an option, as they get along well with their parents.

I think this is a major factor, though like other PPs, I think there's a difference between a true failure to launch (meaning they cannot or will not be financially independent or even develop independent relationships or social lives outside their parents) and kids who stay close to parents and may even live with them for stretches while working or going to grad school.

My parents HATED being parents and staying at home with them would've been torture. The thing is, they actually basically encouraged it without realizing they were doing it. My dad is hyper-critical and disapproving and no matter what any of us did, he'd sneer at it and look down his nose. Meanwhile my mom is a rescuer with a martyr complex -- she lives for her children needing her to swoop in and rescue them. This means that we all have pretty low self esteem, our parents basically expect us to fail at things, and then my mom is always like "don't worry, we'll help you get back on your feet" (while my dad grumbles that his kids aren't independent enough and are unsuccessful). It's a classic underminer dynamic that I think leads to a lot of failure to launch cases, including the dynamic with the withholding/disapproving dad and the mom who wants to baby her adolescent and adult kids.

I was very, very fortunate because I wound up going to a counselor during college and then another during law school and both pretty rapidly identified how dysfunctional this dynamic was. Once I saw it, I realized how it was like this one-two punch that was crippling my older siblings -- undermining any confidence they might have that they could make it on their own, and then offering the extremely tempting option of moving home and working for my dad. I recognized I wanted no part in it, and essentially went low contact with my family and forced myself to go out and figure it out. I didn't share successes or failures with my parents, because I knew they'd try to make me feel bad about them either way, and that's how I managed to avoid what happened with my siblings. I'm now the only financially independent adult child in my family, and my dad likes to take credit for that, of course. My parents cannot see how they screwed up their kids, they are blind to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You avoid failure to launch by doing the work when they are young. Build them up, help them find a sense of self and a sense of purpose. Encourage their interests and invest in opportunities to grow and deepen those interests. Get them academic support if they need it. Give them chances to grow their confidence and make sure they feel secure in your love for them and their place in your family.

Model healthy adult behaviors -- healthy eating, regular exercise, positive social lives with friends and family who contribute to well being. Teach them about financial responsibility from a young age and give them opportunities to see the benefit of saving and investing in the future.

Parents whose kids flounder in their 20s or even 30s will claim they did all this but they didn't. A well-raised person will not want to live at home doing nothing in adult hood. They might live at home for periods of time, to save for a downpayment or grad school, to help an ailing parent, to regroup after a job loss or breakup. That's fine and normal. But they won't get stuck there because they'll have the confidence and self-respect to go out and try again. Adults who don't have that didn't get the right support as minors.

NP here. I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults, and the "sense of self" part is really key. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid. On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in). One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

This is why I read DCUM. Thank you for sharing your experience and insight.

Completely agree. I have a failure to launch brother and the piece about sensitivity and an inability to really understand your children’s emotions really rang true for me. I am oddly the opposite of my brother but also feel deeply misunderstood by my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in an affluent area and I’m shocked at the number of adult kids living at home not doing much. One mom told me not to let our kids move back home or they will never leave. I have multiple neighbors with college grad children who seem to be unemployed or quit their job to come back home.

How do we prevent kids from failing to launch?

We live a very comfortable life. I could see my kids wanting to come back home, which I honestly love the idea of but not at the expense of the kids not working and becoming functional adults.

I don’t know but I also see this all the time in my UMC neighborhood. I would feel ashamed and like I didn’t raise my children well if they were to move back home as young adults! Not sure why it’s become socially acceptable now…..

In some cultures, you live at home until you marry. This is nothing to be ashamed about. My friend and their siblings all lived at home into their 30s. They were from a South American country.

If you live in an UMC area, you might not know that multi-generational households are common. One benefit of that is building wealth.

The fact you think it odd is purely cultural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You avoid failure to launch by doing the work when they are young. Build them up, help them find a sense of self and a sense of purpose. Encourage their interests and invest in opportunities to grow and deepen those interests. Get them academic support if they need it. Give them chances to grow their confidence and make sure they feel secure in your love for them and their place in your family.

Model healthy adult behaviors -- healthy eating, regular exercise, positive social lives with friends and family who contribute to well being. Teach them about financial responsibility from a young age and give them opportunities to see the benefit of saving and investing in the future.

Parents whose kids flounder in their 20s or even 30s will claim they did all this but they didn't. A well-raised person will not want to live at home doing nothing in adult hood. They might live at home for periods of time, to save for a downpayment or grad school, to help an ailing parent, to regroup after a job loss or breakup. That's fine and normal. But they won't get stuck there because they'll have the confidence and self-respect to go out and try again. Adults who don't have that didn't get the right support as minors.

NP here. I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults, and the "sense of self" part is really key. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid. On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in). One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

This is why I read DCUM. Thank you for sharing your experience and insight.

Completely agree. I have a failure to launch brother and the piece about sensitivity and an inability to really understand your children’s emotions really rang true for me. I am oddly the opposite of my brother but also feel deeply misunderstood by my parents.

God, you people are incessantly selfish. Nearly all parents try the best they can to raise their kids. If you have an exceptionally sensitive kid, it's not your fault as a parent that you couldn't "really understand your kid's emotions." Your hyper-sensitive adult child isn't a failure to launch because his parents "deeply misunderstand" him. He's a failure to launch because he FAILED to stop ruminating over his childhood trauma, get over whatever petty misgrievances rose from his childhood, and take some accountability over himself to fully launch as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You avoid failure to launch by doing the work when they are young. Build them up, help them find a sense of self and a sense of purpose. Encourage their interests and invest in opportunities to grow and deepen those interests. Get them academic support if they need it. Give them chances to grow their confidence and make sure they feel secure in your love for them and their place in your family.

Model healthy adult behaviors -- healthy eating, regular exercise, positive social lives with friends and family who contribute to well being. Teach them about financial responsibility from a young age and give them opportunities to see the benefit of saving and investing in the future.

Parents whose kids flounder in their 20s or even 30s will claim they did all this but they didn't. A well-raised person will not want to live at home doing nothing in adult hood. They might live at home for periods of time, to save for a downpayment or grad school, to help an ailing parent, to regroup after a job loss or breakup. That's fine and normal. But they won't get stuck there because they'll have the confidence and self-respect to go out and try again. Adults who don't have that didn't get the right support as minors.

NP here. I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults, and the "sense of self" part is really key. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid. On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in). One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

This is why I read DCUM. Thank you for sharing your experience and insight.

Completely agree. I have a failure to launch brother and the piece about sensitivity and an inability to really understand your children’s emotions really rang true for me. I am oddly the opposite of my brother but also feel deeply misunderstood by my parents.

God, you people are incessantly selfish. Nearly all parents try the best they can to raise their kids. If you have an exceptionally sensitive kid, it's not your fault as a parent that you couldn't "really understand your kid's emotions." Your hyper-sensitive adult child isn't a failure to launch because his parents "deeply misunderstand" him. He's a failure to launch because he FAILED to stop ruminating over his childhood trauma, get over whatever petty misgrievances rose from his childhood, and take some accountability over himself to fully launch as an adult.

The bolded just is not true. I wish it were! Many parents are lazy and selfish.

I do actually agree with you that at some point, an adult has to figure out how to push past their crappy upbringing and find a way to be functional. Not because of some bootstraps argument or the belief that parents all "do the best they can," but for themselves. I had pretty awful parents, it's caused problems in my life, but for my own sake I seek to live a full and independent life. Not for them.

I have a failure to launch in my family (my BIL) and I do have empathy for the fact (and it is a fact) that he was poorly parented by people who didn't understand what he needed and didn't try that hard to give it to him. I also feel a lot of frustration that he leans into this so hard and won't do what he needs to do to be independent.

What I see with many failures to launch is a sense of entitlement for someone else to come and fix what is broken. No. You have to fix it yourself. No one else is going to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You avoid failure to launch by doing the work when they are young. Build them up, help them find a sense of self and a sense of purpose. Encourage their interests and invest in opportunities to grow and deepen those interests. Get them academic support if they need it. Give them chances to grow their confidence and make sure they feel secure in your love for them and their place in your family.

Model healthy adult behaviors -- healthy eating, regular exercise, positive social lives with friends and family who contribute to well being. Teach them about financial responsibility from a young age and give them opportunities to see the benefit of saving and investing in the future.

Parents whose kids flounder in their 20s or even 30s will claim they did all this but they didn't. A well-raised person will not want to live at home doing nothing in adult hood. They might live at home for periods of time, to save for a downpayment or grad school, to help an ailing parent, to regroup after a job loss or breakup. That's fine and normal. But they won't get stuck there because they'll have the confidence and self-respect to go out and try again. Adults who don't have that didn't get the right support as minors.

NP here. I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults, and the "sense of self" part is really key. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid. On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in). One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

This is why I read DCUM. Thank you for sharing your experience and insight.

Completely agree. I have a failure to launch brother and the piece about sensitivity and an inability to really understand your children’s emotions really rang true for me. I am oddly the opposite of my brother but also feel deeply misunderstood by my parents.

God, you people are incessantly selfish. Nearly all parents try the best they can to raise their kids. If you have an exceptionally sensitive kid, it's not your fault as a parent that you couldn't "really understand your kid's emotions." Your hyper-sensitive adult child isn't a failure to launch because his parents "deeply misunderstand" him. He's a failure to launch because he FAILED to stop ruminating over his childhood trauma, get over whatever petty misgrievances rose from his childhood, and take some accountability over himself to fully launch as an adult.

So which is it, childhood trauma or petty childhood grievances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You avoid failure to launch by doing the work when they are young. Build them up, help them find a sense of self and a sense of purpose. Encourage their interests and invest in opportunities to grow and deepen those interests. Get them academic support if they need it. Give them chances to grow their confidence and make sure they feel secure in your love for them and their place in your family.

Model healthy adult behaviors -- healthy eating, regular exercise, positive social lives with friends and family who contribute to well being. Teach them about financial responsibility from a young age and give them opportunities to see the benefit of saving and investing in the future.

Parents whose kids flounder in their 20s or even 30s will claim they did all this but they didn't. A well-raised person will not want to live at home doing nothing in adult hood. They might live at home for periods of time, to save for a downpayment or grad school, to help an ailing parent, to regroup after a job loss or breakup. That's fine and normal. But they won't get stuck there because they'll have the confidence and self-respect to go out and try again. Adults who don't have that didn't get the right support as minors.

NP here. I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults, and the "sense of self" part is really key. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid. On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in). One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

This is why I read DCUM. Thank you for sharing your experience and insight.

Completely agree. I have a failure to launch brother and the piece about sensitivity and an inability to really understand your children’s emotions really rang true for me. I am oddly the opposite of my brother but also feel deeply misunderstood by my parents.

God, you people are incessantly selfish. Nearly all parents try the best they can to raise their kids. If you have an exceptionally sensitive kid, it's not your fault as a parent that you couldn't "really understand your kid's emotions." Your hyper-sensitive adult child isn't a failure to launch because his parents "deeply misunderstand" him. He's a failure to launch because he FAILED to stop ruminating over his childhood trauma, get over whatever petty misgrievances rose from his childhood, and take some accountability over himself to fully launch as an adult.

This post is funny to me because the PP can't see the double standard here.

Parents raising kids? Mostly doing the best they can, cut them some slack.

Adult kids struggling to me be on from poor parenting to be one I dependent adults? Selfish failures.

Which leads me to my point, which is that if you want to raise kids who take responsibility for their own actions, YOU must be responsive ble for your own actions. Which means admitting when you screw up as a parent, apologizing to your kid if necessary, and then taking concrete steps to fix it.

Is it really any wonder that parents who get very defensive about any criticism of their parenting and insist whatever they did must have been good enough, have kids who are unwilling to take initiative and grow up? It does not surprise me.

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Anonymous wrote:You avoid failure to launch by doing the work when they are young. Build them up, help them find a sense of self and a sense of purpose. Encourage their interests and invest in opportunities to grow and deepen those interests. Get them academic support if they need it. Give them chances to grow their confidence and make sure they feel secure in your love for them and their place in your family.

Model healthy adult behaviors -- healthy eating, regular exercise, positive social lives with friends and family who contribute to well being. Teach them about financial responsibility from a young age and give them opportunities to see the benefit of saving and investing in the future.

Parents whose kids flounder in their 20s or even 30s will claim they did all this but they didn't. A well-raised person will not want to live at home doing nothing in adult hood. They might live at home for periods of time, to save for a downpayment or grad school, to help an ailing parent, to regroup after a job loss or breakup. That's fine and normal. But they won't get stuck there because they'll have the confidence and self-respect to go out and try again. Adults who don't have that didn't get the right support as minors.

NP here. I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults, and the "sense of self" part is really key. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid. On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in). One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

This is why I read DCUM. Thank you for sharing your experience and insight.

Completely agree. I have a failure to launch brother and the piece about sensitivity and an inability to really understand your children’s emotions really rang true for me. I am oddly the opposite of my brother but also feel deeply misunderstood by my parents.

God, you people are incessantly selfish. Nearly all parents try the best they can to raise their kids. If you have an exceptionally sensitive kid, it's not your fault as a parent that you couldn't "really understand your kid's emotions." Your hyper-sensitive adult child isn't a failure to launch because his parents "deeply misunderstand" him. He's a failure to launch because he FAILED to stop ruminating over his childhood trauma, get over whatever petty misgrievances rose from his childhood, and take some accountability over himself to fully launch as an adult.

This post is funny to me because the PP can't see the double standard here.

Parents raising kids? Mostly doing the best they can, cut them some slack.

Adult kids struggling to me be on from poor parenting to be one I dependent adults? Selfish failures.

Which leads me to my point, which is that if you want to raise kids who take responsibility for their own actions, YOU must be responsive ble for your own actions. Which means admitting when you screw up as a parent, apologizing to your kid if necessary, and then taking concrete steps to fix it.

Is it really any wonder that parents who get very defensive about any criticism of their parenting and insist whatever they did must have been good enough, have kids who are unwilling to take initiative and grow up? It does not surprise me.

My mother is incredibly defensive and can’t handle hearing any criticism of my childhood.

She also was a mother who was extremely controlling, tried to keep me to herself, resented me getting older and acted as though I was her property. She tried to control my emotions, thoughts and interests. Any interest in something she was unfamiliar with was criticized. I was forced to attend college in my hometown. I could only be friends with someone where she was included in the friendship.

I did struggle developing a sense of self. Wasn’t failure to launch but struggled emotionally in my 20s in various ways.